r/cisparenttranskid • u/Apprehensive_Tap7317 • 2d ago
MTF daughter is keeping transition a secret
My mtf (adult) daughter has only come out to a handful of people. It is confusing because at home we use she/her but around extended family we use him and his deadname.
She needs to come out in her own time. I get that.
She has been on HRT 2 years . Anyone else have experience someone waiting years to publicly come out while also medically transitioning?
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u/Ishindri Trans Woman / Femme 2d ago
That's pretty normal. I didn't even come out to my parents until I had been on HRT for almost a year. Coming out socially when you don't look like a woman is just a recipe for needless suffering. Because people are assholes, mostly. That's why they used to impose the 'real life experience' requirement before they'd give you HRT, to try and deter us from transitioning.
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u/Incendas1 Trans Nonbinary 2d ago
If I came out too early without properly preparing it could completely fuck me over in terms of work and relationships, perhaps even housing or citizenship in my case. It's very normal
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u/Apprehensive_Tap7317 2d ago
Thank you for your insight! I have had a few months to adjust to her coming out to me. It took some time. I was surprised when she told me. I think I just am ready to get on with having a daughter, and I want her to live her best life and be happy ( which she wasn’t for many years) . But this isn’t about me, it’s about her and it is her life. So I will deal with it as long as she needs me to.
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u/Incendas1 Trans Nonbinary 2d ago
It's perhaps a bit hard to use all the wrong things in front of others, I get that. My partner has to do it for me especially since the language here doesn't accommodate nonbinary genders, and he doesn't like to have to do it. But it's a small price for safety and comfort, especially with the current climate
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u/PinkJaelyn 2d ago
Yup, same situation here. Extended family is all transphobic, so they don’t know the truth. Using wrong pronouns and old name around them feels weird, but it’s what kiddo wants.
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u/Killermueck 2d ago
Many, especially young people hope that hrt over time will make them pass and also voice training takes time. They hope that some day they will 'malefail' ie get gendered correctly. Almost nobody wants to be visibly trans in this society.
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u/Next-Yak24 Mom / Stepmom 2d ago
I have a 50 year friend who has known she was trans since she was a kid. Got married to her high school sweetheart 30 years ago. Tried to come out to her wife 20 years ago and her wife basically ignored her. She’s been on HRT for years, has grown her hair out, and girl modes on business trips. And she hasn’t been ready to live as herself, probably for fear of losing her marriage, her job, her security clearances, etc.
My teenage son wasn’t ready to come out to his dad or grandparents until he had transitioned at school for about six months. Everyone’s timeline is different, and yes, your brain will do gymnastics trying to gender your daughter correctly in different situations! But you are doing exactly what she needs right now. I hope you get to see the beauty of her full self in the world soon!
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u/HealthyEducator9555 2d ago
Coming out when you feel like you “haven’t done enough” will just cause suffering. I wanted to wait until I had changed my name to come out, by mom will be forcing me to come out early. It hurts because taking action before coming out gives you credibility.
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u/Rude-Spot-1719 1d ago
Yep, my daughter has. It bothered me for a while, but I have finally come to peace with the knowledge that she is the one running her life and doing what she thinks is best. Good luck to you and your daughter!
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u/artelia_bedelia Trans Woman / Femme 2d ago
many people wait for a while after hrt to socially transition. multiple years is longer than average but not that much longer.
having a queer community (as well as supportive allies like yourself) are things that really help with social transition. i wouldn't push her about it at all unless you're seeing her in a lot of distress about it.