I'm an aromantic/asexual person in a queerplatonic relationship with 3 people, AMA!

[u/33anatre]

Go crazy with the questions (but please be respectful). Happy Pride Month!

[u/Jessiejones1080]

Isn’t a platonic relationship just…friendship?

[u/33anatre → u/Jessiejones1080]

This is fair! Lots of queer folks familiar with the term queerplatonic relationships also struggle to understand or define it, and I’m sure different people might give different answers. For me I have a distinction between what I’d consider my “friendships” and the people who I’m in a QPR with.

For us I’d say that we’ve had extensive discussions about our boundaries (physically, emotionally) and are intertwined with each other in a way that may not be typical for a traditional friendship. We are very intimate with each other but not romantically or sexually. The only thing that makes a relationship “queerplatonic” is that it doesn’t quite fit into typical mainstream boxes for either romantic or platonic relationships. Whether you think that’s significant enough to give it a name is up to you, but many people have found personal significance with the distinction. :)

[u/SinceBecausePickles → u/33anatre]

in what ways are you intertwined with each other that aren’t typical in a traditional friendship?

[u/33anatre → u/SinceBecausePickles]

I would say that we are each other’s top priorities in the same way a significant other might be in a romantic relationship. We are deeply emotionally connected and share intimate details about our thoughts, fears, etc (I would say the same amount of emotional closeness you’d expect from a romantic partner, but without romantic feelings behind it).

There’s also a kind of exclusivity to our relationship. Each of us has friends, some of us have had romantic partners over the years. No friendship/romantic relationship has encroached or mimicked our relationship in the same way that we experience it. Friendships/romance are distinctly different parts of our lives if that makes sense.

Right now it’s not possible, but we’re all looking towards a point in the future where we can build a life with each other (adopt children/pets, live together etc). These aren’t things typically associated with traditional friendships (and that’s excluding physical intimacy, which is always a grey area). Of course like I mentioned before this is pretty dependent on what you would consider to be “particularly close friends” vs “queerplatonic relationship.” The latter is just a way to express these kinds of blurred lines, but others might not think they’re blurred at all.

[u/djmattyp77]

Do you feel like by defining your identity that you paint yourself into a corner in case your identity grows/metamorphosizes?

I ask this as someone who is pro-be who you wanna be. I have a degree in Sociology and empathize with marginalized social groups.

I find compartmentalization of identities is causing problems in society. And if those who were marginalized didn't give a fuck about who needs them to define their identity and if those who are in cis roles didn't give a fuck about your identity...we would be happier as a human race because we would just accept each other as humans. ...in case someone reads my question as some sort of gaslighting anti-queer agenda.

[u/33anatre → u/djmattyp77]

I appreciate this question! Personally I don’t find labels/definitions are limiting. I describe myself as aro/ace because it’s the best way I can describe my experiences up until this point in my life, which is always subject to change. If somewhere down the line I feel like that’s not that best way to describe myself, I have no issues with changing that label. Maybe it’ll change and maybe it won’t, I’m not worrying about it. Everyone has their own journey.

To be honest I’m not a big label/identity person either (even if this post seems to contradict that lol). It would be ideal if there were no need for any sort of compartmentalization, and in a perfect world I agree with you. We’d have no need for distinguishing between gay or straight, cis or trans, etc because everything would be within the norm. Unfortunately I don’t think this is realistic to expect of people given humanity’s track record. People love the “us” vs “them” mentality for literally any point of a person’s identity. It’s always been very silly, but like a lot of silly things, it’s also always been very human.

The natural consequence is that marginalized groups will create their own communities where they feel like they belong. I don’t think this is because they excluded themselves, but because they were shoved into a box and made that box into a home.

I’m not a sociologist so I hope I understood your questions/points.

[u/djmattyp77 → u/33anatre]

Excellent response! Cheers and keep on keepin on! That's what I love about sociology. There isn't a wrong answer. It is what it is as far as your definition of "self."

[u/leakime]

Do you live together? Are the other two people similar to you (aromantic, asexual)? What takes it beyond a friendship?

[u/33anatre → u/leakime]

1. No we don’t live together unfortunately, we’re all pursuing goals in different countries at the moment. We have gone on extensive trips together in the past (traveling by train across the contiguous US), and each of us has lived with a various combination of the others at different points but never all 4 of us at once (yet). We make an active effort to see each other multiple times a year, even if it can’t be all of us at once.

2. I can see how my title was confusing now lol, I actually meant that there’s 4 of us in total including me. The others are not like me in that sense. One is a gay man, one is a bisexual man, one is a bisexual woman, and then I’m an aro/ace woman. We are all cisgender.

3. Take this with a grain of salt, since this answer will vary dramatically depending on the people/relationship dynamics. I would personally say that we are incredibly physically intimate with each other, but never sexually. We cuddle, sleep in the same bed (yes it gets chaotic when it’s all 4 of us lol), sometimes kiss. We love each other immensely, maybe beyond what some would consider the bounds of friendship, but then again maybe not. If one of us really needs someone else, one of us (sometimes all of us depending on the situation) will drop everything to be there for them. Despite the distance we talk every day and have been for years. I would say it’s definitely a commitment we’ve made to each other to always be present and always be open. Maybe some might consider us just an oddly close set of friends but we prefer to define it differently for ourselves. Thank you for the thoughtful questions!

[u/shambleswan → u/33anatre]

Sounds really nice to me!

[u/mdeeebeee-101]

Thanks bot.

[u/karma3000]

So nobody is coming?