Being placed in masculine roles as a late bloomer

[u/bad_sprinkles]

I hope it's okay to post here. I'm not sure about labels, but I'm definitely a more masculine than feminine person. I'm a late bloomer lesbian in my 40s who only realized I wasn't heteronormative a few years ago.

I'm finding it very difficult to be in the roles I keep feeling placed into by potential partners - as someone who has no idea what they're doing. I've gone on dates but haven't been intimate with a woman yet. I'm trying to take it slow.

I'm finding women put me in a boyfriend or leader role while they remain behind walls of vagueness or plausible deniability. It feels like they expect me to progress the relationship by initiating the next level of flirting or making the first move. Meanwhile I'm over here absolutely paralyzed second guessing myself, wondering if advances are welcome, not knowing what to do, or feeling absolutely on fire with feelings I've never felt before (desire and attraction for a real person in front of me) while doing all of these other new things.

The woman I'm currently talking to is on a trip and casually dropped how smooth her legs were for the hot tub. I cannot stop thinking about it. Super hot. But also I don't know how to respond without sounding like a creep?

I think I will get there, but I'm not there now and I don't know how to get through this rough patch!

[u/Amateurph0tographer]

Some lesbians forget that a lot of butches are still women and still want to be treated like a woman. It’s easy to look at a butch and push rolls onto them. I’d say once you find someone you’re comfy with open up about how you feel about that stuff ❤️

[u/Jarmanip950]

I came out a long time ago but due to survival mode, I got very late in the dating world and same...Im trying to date now and my masc presentation apparently means I'm supposed to be more flirty,straightforward, playful but I'm so cautious of not making women uncomfortable, I get in my head too much and then miss too many clues apparently.

Hoping to get some answers here too 😅

[u/Prestigious-Mind2781]

I’m a similar age / stage - late bloomer, butch - and I lean into it. I flirt, I suggest things. It was scary at first but now it feels empowering. You’re not a man, so when you make (wanted) advances that won’t be predatory or icky. So the hot tub thing - I would have commented about wanting to be in there with her or whatever.

[u/bad_sprinkles → u/Prestigious-Mind2781]

I feel like the walking embodiment of the "I just a baby" meme. I course corrected by letting her know (truthfully) that the image had been on my mind allll day. It's so scary!!

Honestly, I think the role fits me better than what I portrayed before I realized my sexuality. I am fairly assertive, outspoken, chatty, and open. And I'm sure when I find someone I'm comfortable with I will be able to ease more into that role. But I can't stop second guessing myself because I feel like I'm fumbling in the dark! I'm frankly terrified of my first time with a woman because I've been getting the feeling I'm more of a top in the bedroom (and maybe expected to take that role) but also again have no idea what I'm doing.💀

[u/Prestigious-Mind2781 → u/bad_sprinkles]

When it comes to that, you talk to her about it. I’m in my first relationship and there has been a wonderful amount of communication about sex, expectations, roles, sexual history etc - and it has made things more erotic and charged rather than less.

[u/Writingpenguin → u/bad_sprinkles]

We all like to be desired, I totally felt that hesitation of "am I a creep" before but it goes away. Especially since my girlfriend often tells me that she loves how into her I am. You can talk about those insecurities! And hopefully she'll be able to reassure you a bit. Talking about what sorts of compliments you like is great, and can be very fun (for example, we call eachother cute all the time and discussed that it doesn't feel too feminine for me but I love being called handsome too).

Same goes for sex, we had a lot of conversations about that and what we like or are curious about. I was petty clueless about what I liked before this relationship since I'm asexual, and didn't really know how that would affect things. So we took it slow. Two things that really worked for us was sharing fantasies or fantasizing together before doing anything, so you already get an idea of what gets the other going and can also think about what you might like. We did that over text, but you can do it irl too. And pillow talk afterwards, it felt very natural to cuddle and talk about what we really loved or which things we wanted to try next. It took us a few tries to find a strap on technique that works for both of us, and I don't come very easily so we experimented with various things for that. I really like those conversations, it makes me feel very close. So it doesn't have to be a problem if things don't go perfectly the first time (they probably won't).

[u/Personal_Coach7653]

Aha welcome to masc life lol 😂 I joke constantly with my more femme leaning friends or bisexuals that "if I didn't ask first id have never been in a relationship". Every single relationship I have been in, or any date I have been on I asked the other person on a date, or for their number.

I'm British though so we tend to be NOT as forward as Americans at all in general. So we dance around it alot and there's a lot of times it's like - should I have? Did I misread this? Americans seem to just go for it.

But yeah the masc Vs femme roles seem to be a universal thing no matter who I talk to.

I've yet to be asked.first out by a femme. If that ever happens I'll be shook I tell you. Shook.

[u/bad_sprinkles → u/Personal_Coach7653]

The lady in question is very femme, so I'm trying to be forgiving. She actually messaged me first on the dating app! I was like...are you for real? I'm already halfway in love with you now. 🤣

[u/Personal_Coach7653 → u/bad_sprinkles]

Ahaha fr?? Catfish? Jk /s

Have a nice flirt, be suggestive rather than explicit.

Good luck!

[u/Serious_Pea42]

I'm the exact same as you. 47, late bloomer by a couple years I guess. There's stuff that still catches me by surprise now that I'm out like being perceived as a creep (the ultimate nightmare), real safety issues that definitely still exist every fucking where, and men that legit feel ENTITLED to us. Allot of reactions I thought were archaic or more like something you see on TV are actually live and people feel justified expressing them sometimes. My point is I'm still fumbling about actually hitting on girls, not like to take home it's different but I'll say things outright. Maybe I haven't been rejected enough to know what's headed my way. I can smell it. I'm just honestly hoping I find my person before I lose the ability due to fear of extreme reactions.

Keep the faith 💪