Husband brought home a puppy w/out my consent

[u/Mysterious-Owl3519]

I love dogs and who doesn’t love a cute puppy. Our kids, 4 and 7, have wanted one for a while now but the fact that this sweet adorable puppy was brought home without my consent just bugs the shit out of me. We’ve been on the rocks and divorce is not far down the road. He has a history of verbal and emotional abuse.

The times we’ve talked about getting a dog I’ve made it clear I wanted to adopt from a shelter. He got a doodle from, what to me sounds like a puppy mill in the butt fuck middle of nowhere.

Also, my husband doesn’t seem to care about training or engaging with her. He takes her out to poop and pee and that’s it.

I’m the only one who seems to think it’s important to train her.

Also, I work from home so the burden of her care falls mostly on me.

I am already feeling resentful that he got a puppy.

When I asked him why he did this he got defensive and said, “fine I guess I’ll just bring the puppy back.”

How would you handle this situation?

I’m tired of nagging him about everything else and now this?! I just know he got it to entrap me even further as he knows I want to get a divorce.

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[u/MmsCrabalette]

I’d file for the divorce and make him take the dog. Trying to entrap you even further is just more abuse.

I’m sorry, bromo. I’m cheering you on from the other side (post-divorce)

[u/Ok_Needleworker8888 → u/MmsCrabalette]

Yes!!!! My ex did this while I was in the process of getting my ducks in a row. He knew I wanted to leave, and he tried to get me to stay with a puppy???? Nah. GTFO. I rehomed the puppy

[u/Lespritdelescali → u/MmsCrabalette]

I’d be worried about my kids in the house with the untrained dog on his custody time though.

I think he should take it back now.

[u/CECINS]

Omg this is me at Easter last year!!!

Thanks to me the dog is still alive and at least partially poorly trained. She’s chewed every pair of shoes, underwear, and socks in the house and I have monthly Amazon subscriptions for their replacements.

We have 3 rugs in the house and she’s peed on them so many times I have put up baby gates to shut her out.

About 2 months ago I lost my shit and told my husband we were doing board and train for her when we do our vacation over the summer and it’s not optional.

She’s so cute but I fucking hate this dog. Either get rid of it immediately before anyone is too attached, or get ready for the next 10-15 years of being the primary parent to it.

Current cost:

$2,000 for dog

$2,500 emergency vet when she got into a rat trap

$3,500 3 weeks of board and train

[u/sentfrommyflipphone]

This makes me feel better about my wfh rage + being expected to manage dog care around the clock.

My ex would come home and break all the training rules I set during the day. I seemed like the asshole, keeping strict training rules but it was I was also the only one spending hours of the day with the dog, while working!

It was painful to end things, but when we did I gave the dog to him. I was sick of taking care of everyone but myself.

[u/Mysterious-Owl3519 → u/sentfrommyflipphone]

I’m sure that was a hard decision to make. But you deserve to take care of yourself first and foremost.

[u/sentfrommyflipphone → u/Mysterious-Owl3519]

It was and still is at times, but I have no regrets and have a much better life on the other side.

Wishing you the best and even more, OP! 💐

[u/Traum4Queen]

Why do they all have the same damn moves? This is how I ended up with a tropical tortoise... In a high desert... Who has like 40-50 years of life left.. I take better care of her than he ever did though.

It's absolutely ok to send her back. But if you don't have the bandwidth, definitely crate train like someone else suggested. And if you have the funds, maybe you could hire someone to come do a walk and train her?

[u/Mysterious-Owl3519 → u/Traum4Queen]

A tortoise?? What! My therapist said that this is the fourth “divorce puppy” move she’s had recently.

[u/Get_off_critter → u/Traum4Queen]

Oh goodness. I hope its not a sulcata at least....maybe something basketball or smaller?

[u/pynksphynx]

Return the dog.

We adopted my uncles dog when he was homeless two years ago and the dog has had the worst impact on my mental health. She is a cane corso and drools all over my house. The drool smells horrible and the smell is embedded in everything no matter how much I clean. She is a very well behaved dog but I fucking hate her because of the constant smell and mess. Do not keep that dog.

[u/Mysterious-Owl3519 → u/pynksphynx]

That sound gross and hard. I don’t have the heart to get rid of her. My kids are already bonded and it will be too traumatic to get rid of her. I’m going to make my husband take her.

[u/pynksphynx → u/Mysterious-Owl3519]

That’s the only reason why I haven’t gotten rid of this dog.

[u/Get_off_critter → u/pynksphynx]

Oh no 😞 she have a broken tooth or something or just always been stinky?

My husband wants a dog....drooly dog breeds.

[u/pynksphynx → u/Get_off_critter]

No it’s really just a drool thing. Drool sits in their skin flaps and is filled with odor causing bacteria then it gets into rugs, furniture, etc. When they shake their head it goes 10ft every direction. Even the walls and floors absorb the smell from it.

We feed her very high quality salmon dog food and i have spent well over $1k on enzyme drops for her water, every kind of medicated wipe for jowels, cleaning products, new rugs.. you name it.

[u/Gingersnapp3d]

Absolutely return this dog.

You have no idea about the breeder- there could be something wrong with it that will amount to either danger to the kids, or a 4k vet bill you’re on the line for.

On top of that, you didn’t sign up to take care of this dog for 16 years. Do you want to be responsible for this dog every day for 16 years? If not, return it now before it has bonded with your family.

He will not care for this dog. He doesn’t even care for you. Don’t let him do this to you OR the dog. It’s cruel to both. And the kids- because he’s denied you the huge positive life experience of adopting! Adopt don’t shop!!

When and if the time is right for you and your kids, you take them to a shelter and show them all the beautiful dogs that need a home. Let them help choose and make sure they are old enough to help with the care and bonding. They’ll learn so much from that.

[u/misspixx]

What’s fucked is that there is no winning here and it is *his* fault. He is the one that introduced the puppy to the family and the kids — and if you rehome the puppy, it’ll be “all your fault” and he “can never do anything right” and “the kids will be devastated” and none of these things would be true if it were not for the fact HEEEEEEE brought in a puppy.

Ugh. Men.

[u/Mysterious-Owl3519 → u/misspixx]

Exactly!

[u/Get_off_critter]

Fine, take it back.

YOUR mental health is priority as a parent.

If youre committed to keeping the puppy, which is totally OK too, crate train them so you can give yourself some respite while home working.

The first few weeks in a new home are the hardest, then the first few months are challenging but not as difficult as everyone figures each other out.

Edit: the first statement is directed at husband of course.

[u/OldLeatherPumpkin]

I mean, why *can’t* he just take it back? I understand that he threw that “suggestion” out there just to be manipulative, but honestly, that might be the best thing for everyone.

I would argue that the best-case scenario for this dog is that when you divorce him, he will rehome it, because he doesn’t want to take care of it (that would obviously be better than him neglecting or abusing the dog). So then, if it’s going to be rehomed anyway, I think it’s kinder to the dog (and your kids) to do it ASAP, versus waiting until the dog is settled in and bonded/enmeshed with the family.

You know he got this puppy mainly to entrap you. I think you have to say no and decline to take responsibility for its care. I know that sucks, I do, but you *cannot* compromise your life trajectory, your well-being, or you & the kids’ financial security for the sake of a DOG. He’s set the trap, but you’re allowed to refuse to fall into it.

Nobody is getting out of this situation without being hurt; your husband set this up expressly to ensure that would happen. I think you have to choose to hurt the dog (by which I mean, give it back and absolve yourself of responsibility for its care) because the alternative is to allow him to continue abusing you and manipulating your kids, and that is SO much worse. You have to choose yourself here. It is okay to hurt your kids’ feelings in exchange for securing a better future for them. It is okay to disrupt a dog’s life in exchange for securing your own future. You’re in a spot where you have to choose the least bad option - you didn’t choose to be here, and it’s okay for you to decide that prioritizing your happiness and safety is more important than not making a dog and your children temporarily sad.

I completely understand your resentment, but don’t forget, you are also entitled to be upset that he has shown such a total lack of empathy and respect for you and for this puppy. If it’s the first time he’s done this kind of thing, then it’s an escalation of his abuse. You KNOW he got the dog because it provides SO very many ways for him to abuse you - it adds responsibilities to your plate, adds stress to your plate, takes away control and autonomy from you while reminding you that he has that power over you and the kids. It uses both the kids and the dog as pawns, lets him emotionally abuse you by heaping all kinds of guilt on you, and of course, puts you in this unwinnable position where you have to choose between the puppy and your own well-being.

My friend’s abusive ex did this by surprise-adopting a pet he knew she was horrifically allergic to - so she had to keep it outdoors and was still suffering terribly from her symptoms even caring for it like that. Of course he didn’t do shit to care for it. Fucking garbage human being. What kind of person looks down at a tiny, innocent little baby animal who needs care and affection, and their first thought is, “I can use this to fuck with my wife’s head?” or “This would be the perfect way to punish my wife for not kowtowing to me?”

Your husband clearly does not love or respect animals if he is willing to USE this dog in this way, as a TOOL for ABUSING his wife. I mean, for all he knows, the puppy *could* have been bought by someone who was thrilled to be able to take good care of it and be its forever home - but he stole that option away from the puppy by choosing to buy it himself first, and then to make it your responsibility and foist it onto someone who is only caring for it out of obligation and not because they chose this. People who actually love animals wouldn’t do that to them. Don’t understate how shitty of a move that is - I know you’re used to him being an ass to you and it probably doesn’t surprise you anymore, but he just went out of his way to bring another little creature into this dynamic, and that’s just so callous and selfish. If this is worse than what he has done in the past, then be careful, and don’t let him exhaust you into not reckoning with this escalation.

[u/Quiet-Fox-3313]

It’s harsh, but let/make him take it back. This is the last thing you need to be dealing with, now or later on when you ate actively divorcing.

The sooner you do it, the easier it will be, and the kids will be fine (that goes for both the divorce and sending the dog back)

[u/True_Pangolin_2509]

Return or re-home the puppy. Bringing home a puppy without your consent,. especially when the burden of training and taking care of it will be on you, sounds like an extension of his abusive tendencies. Like he's trying to "puppy trap" you. Getting a new puppy is one of those "two yes" situations because puppies are just kind of life ruining for a few months to a couple of years so it's very not cool even in an otherwise healthy relationship

[u/bendybiznatch]

“Yes, please do. Thank you.”

[u/ponycorn_pet]

A golden doodle almost killed my daughter when my ex took her to his parents house and they had a giant untrained one. I love animals, I'm a farmer, take the dog back. If he got it from the back of a truck somewhere, then rehome while it's still small enough to easily do so and before it becomes the size of a minivan

Even if your husband takes the dog when he moves out, then you will have an untrained, giant dog at his place, alone with your kids because he will be fucking off in his room while they're unsupervised with a dog that could end them without a second thought

[u/_trash_queen_]

My baby daddy did this, right after I found out i was pregnant. We broke up prior to that. Got back together because I was pregnant. So he moves back in and RIGHT AWAY, while we're still on the rocks, he insists on keeping a puppy he found. I was 100% against it and he knew it and why. We already had two dogs and a cat and this was going to be a big dog. I wasn't comfortable having a big puppy around my new baby. Well he dug his heels in and made a HUGE deal about it. Like at one point we were out to dinner with my mom and this man-child was fighting me about the dog. The puppy just meant SO MUCH to him....fast forward less than a year. I find out he's still lying about everything and not helping me at all with caretaking, so i dump him, i give him plenty of time to find a place nearby but he cant get his shit together so he leaves the state to go live with his dad, takes my car, and leaves me with his baby, his cat, and his dog. I still have the dog and I love him, he and my son are very close. But I'm also completely overwhelmed by it and wish I didnt have something extra to care for. Also the dog had heartworms and has hip dysplasia. So I sunk like 2k into treating the heartworms and he needs a $7000 hip replacement. I agree with other comments: sounds like you already have one foot out the door, don't look back, men like this don't change and mean nothing they say.

[u/Mysterious-Owl3519 → u/_trash_queen_]

I’m so sorry you had an asshole of a baby daddy but glad he’s gone.

[u/_trash_queen_ → u/Mysterious-Owl3519]

Girl, ME TOO lol

[u/New_Needleworker_473]

Total divorce puppy. Look you have three choices here 1. Make it clear that he and the dog are moving in together somewhere else and start the process. 2. Decide to keep the dog and care for it yourself because it's not his fault your husband is a dumbass. 3. Put that puppy up on Facebook as "free to good home" and give him to another family that's ready for one.

I highly recommend number 3. Divorce is hard enough without having an untrained puppy to deal with but of course there's the kid attachment. I think we make it a bigger deal than it is, to a kid, unless there are core memories with the animal, it's just like losing a stuffy. They're over it in a couple days. Out of sight out of mind.

[u/badgyalrey]

tell him to take the fucking dog back.

[u/MorboKat]

I have a very wanted and discussed-together-as-a-family 17 week old puppy and I have thought about taking her back more than once. Puppies are fucking HARD.

IMO, if he can't step up to care and train the dog he brought home, it goes back.

[u/Sad-ish_panda]

My ex did this twice during our marriage. Both times he ended up rehoming the dog and blaming me when I never wanted a dog in the first place and made that clear. But he always did whatever he wanted so he got them anyway.

I knew he wasn’t going to step up and take care of it. He just likes the idea of having something that will show him attention even when he doesn’t deserve it.

Anyway, because he wasn’t taking care of it and I didn’t step in and make it easy on him, he blamed me for having to rehome them.

I’d make him give it back now before y’all bond with it. If he wants to blame you, remind him he never asked and knew your wishes and it’s on him.

[u/Pretty_waves904]

Why do men have to suck. We just got a cat, my husband didnt really want one but knew that me and the kids wanted one. Most of the cat care falls on me especially during the beginning which was fine. Now he and the cat are buddies. Its cute.

But yeah, make him return the puppy. Sucks to suck.

[u/akpak]

The kids will understand if you explain why you’re giving up the dog; it’s for its own good! Be sure to tell them it’s not a punishment or reflection on them, but this dog will have a much better life with another family.

Promise them a Future Puppy that you all pick out together (leaving out the part where your stbx won’t be included)

[u/sage_ley]

Honestly I have the same issue. But I cant say no, my husband seeks out a dog with promises he'll take it out at night and train it. I think he has taken it out at night... idk maybe a handful of times in 6months, abd training went out the window almost immediately. It doesn't stick if everyons is doing something different, using different commands and not reinforcing them, im just over it. But I love dogs and he knows it.