How to stop attracting people/"friendships" that only talk to you when they need something

[u/Usual-Gift4378]

I love being a helper but I think I'm the problem. Most people who talk to me talk to me because they need something, when I try to reach out and talk to them they leave me on seen but when they need something they reply back.

Example: a "friend"/classmate talked to me about something, I relied, she didn't even respond but today she messaged me like "Hey, I need your advice because I know that you'll know what to do" without even responding to what I told her. Another example: today I knocked on the door of my roomate to tell her something and she acted like she was not there and I heard her sighing (I knew she was there and that she heard me but chose not to answer) but then she knocked on my door to talk to me bcs she needed help like measuring something

It's crazy because it's not just they, almost everybody treats me like this. One of the reasons why I started college far from my hometown is because I felt like almost all of the people that I knew there just talked to me because of convenience, but now I find myself one year later in the same situation. It was crazy, someone even said to me one time "human ChatGpt". I'm tired of feeling objectified, like I'm actually a very fun person to be around, why does everybody tolerates me for what I can do but nobody wants to know me for who I am

It's true that I have one or two people that care for me (I appreciate them a lot), but still, even my mum called me and I thought that it was to hear from me but it was mostly because she wanted me to buy her something. How do I stop this cycle???? I just want to have genuine friendships with people I don't want to feel like an object

[u/Kaleidoscope_chile]

You stop it by calling it out. You may lose some people but the ones who really care will adjust their behavior. People truly treat you how you allow them to treat you. And honestly, if you start by calling it out "with love" - hey I notice that xyz has been happening and it makes me feel like zyx - then you'll get better insights into how you yourself are communicating and why people are assuming it's okay.

[u/Usual-Gift4378 → u/Kaleidoscope_chile]

How do I call it out without it being weird or them saying that I'm overreacting

[u/sasha9902 → u/Usual-Gift4378]

Be weird. They are dehumanizing you. Being dehumanized causes weird behavior. They can reap what they’ve sown into you. 

[u/Kaleidoscope_chile → u/Usual-Gift4378]

Conflict can feel awkward tbh. But be firm. Use I statements and talk about how you feel not accuse them of being a type of way. Ex - hey can we talk about something that has been bothering me? It hurts my feelings when you don't respond to my messages after I give advice or send money. -- You don't have to go into long explanations or even try to problem solve. You can't control how they will react but that's not on you. All you can do is communicate and set boundaries. People who want a relationship with you will be open to figuring out how they can show up better for you. And you may need to let some people go or limit your communication with people who aren't willing to reciprocate.

[u/Big_Answer_3329 → u/Usual-Gift4378]

Be direct can’t please everybody

[u/Unfair_Finger5531 → u/Usual-Gift4378]

You can start by not caring if they think it’s weird or you overreacting. Just speak your mind respectfully in a calm voice. If they feel awkward, oh well.

[u/mariah188]

I’ve had the same problem my whole life. I know everything about the friend and they know very little about me. They don’t really ask about me and I’m the one rolling out all of the advice.

You are not a mule of this world. And you are not someone’s sidekick. I just had to dump a friend over this. My advice would be, if you pour into somebody and you notice it’s not reciprocated either, express that to them immediately and see if they change. Or back away from the friendship.

You might be a part of the problem in same the way that I was. Because I also love to help. So much so that I lose myself in the process of sacrificing many things to give to others I love. That is attractive to people and it will cause them to gravitate towards you. But also many of those same people are just there to see what they can get from you. Evaluate your conversations with them. Do they ask you questions? Do they probe to get to know you? Or do they just talk about themselves mostly? Do they know anything about you?

If you can already answer these questions for many of those people and you can answer them in the negative, those people aren’t your friends. Cut them off before they continue to drain from you.

[u/possome]

I used to work with this white woman in like 2017, then in June 2020 when everyone suddenly gave a fuck about racism, she dmd me on instagram. She wanted to ask if something was cultural appropriation. Seeing all this in the news and didn’t even ask how I was. My respond was just my cash app name. You have to be comfortable upsetting or disappointing people who have unfairly put an expectation on you.

[u/orcateeth]

I also had this happen years ago. It seems to be about the other person, and it is, but it also was about me. I was holding on to false "friends".

I was lonely and kind of insecure, and felt that it was good to be of value to people. I was good at solving problems and cared about people, so on some level, I felt powerful and important when they came to me for help. I also heard that friends help each other, and thought that this was just being a good friend.

The problem is that it got to be way too much, as you see. Furthermore, these people were not there for me when I needed help. Nor did they contact me for fun reasons, to ask me out to go anywhere, have a laugh, or anything pleasant.

Eventually, I got angry and frustrated, and started telling people NO. Sometimes they actually got surprised or mad that I refused, and tried to guilt trip me into saying yes.

Statements were made like "Well, you always helped me before - why have you changed?", "You're mean/selfish." "But you're so good at this", or "I don't have anyone else to turn to. I'm in big trouble!" (Like it's my responsibility.) 😄

When coercion did not work, they immediately stopped contact. It was like being with a child who grabbed their toys and ran home when they didn't get their way. The truth of the matter is that itwas never a friendship.

It took a long time, longer than it should have, for me to get out of this pattern.

I found that Codependents Anonymous meetings were helpful.

[u/Usual-Gift4378 → u/[deleted]]

Honestly I'm always the friend thats asking you how you are and how you're doing. I just want people to at least have some interest in me. Like I just feel like people find me boring I guess or they don't like me, like most people don't even ask how I am, they just call me to vent but they don't even want to go our with me, or when they do go out with me, they do because it's a group activity, but they would never go out with me alone I don't even know why, like 3 people have said to me "when I met you I didn't like you but wow you're so nice" and I don't know whyyyyy

In the classmate thing, I didnt say hat when she gets overwhelmed by how much she has to study she calls me to vent. In this case when she told me that "Hey, I need your advice because I know that you'll know what to" is because she wanted a call but I told her that I would prefer an audio or text because i know that she'll have me on the phone one hour and then ditch me. Then she sent me an audio saying that she's so worried because she doesn't know if she has time to study all the material and I tried yo reassure her, then I sent her two audios (it was more reassuring) but she didn't even bother to listen to them because now that she has vented and said what she wanted to say she's satisfied and most probably she won't even message me again for a week. 

[u/Usual-Gift4378 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you! I'm learning to sew actually, maybe I can find a club or some activities around that

[u/Inmyrattlingbag]

I cut people off once they start doing that. No convo needed imo but to each their own