r/babywearing • u/sysofus • 1d ago
Discuss Are other people allowed to wear your baby?
My husband showed my mil how to carry our 3mo in a zeitgeist when they were watching baby for the first time i went out one evening for a few hours. when she comes over now, she is really eager to wear baby. I feel I should be happy about it, and that the more the baby is carried the better (and its a really heavy baby already, so im not wearing all day), but the truth is that im not comfortable with it, and i actually feel it is too intimate. I dont mind her holding baby in her arms, and im also ok with her taking baby for walks in a stroller when baby sleeps.
I know we are all different, and that i have to listen to my own feelings about it, but i would still just like some perspective. I haven’t told my husband about my feelings yet.
Edit:
Thank you everyone! I am realising a couple of things when Im reading the comments.
First of all: the safely wearing issue is definitely there. She doesn’t know, and husband is not skilled enough to teach her. She is also not very open to be taught stuff by me.
Second, it’s also more the general, typical mother in law energy. Baby is her first grandchild and i feel like she wants the baby too much, which is definitely putting me off, and this is present in the mix of not wanting her to wear baby…
Also: she uses perfumated creams and
Lastly: wearing a baby smooched into your bosom is actually very intimate. Even though its perfectly natural and people in other cultures do it all the time.
230
u/Routine_Register4701 1d ago
Honestly my MIL is a kind person, but anything she does in my postpartum era makes me feel intense rage. The hormones are no joke. 😅 I often have to remind myself that genuinely she’s doing everything out of love for my baby and not to personally offend me.
47
u/3merZ 1d ago
I feel this. It is so bizarre. She is lovely and so kind and was a godsend during my pregnancy but anytime she asks to hold the baby I want to spit fire at her??? Working really hard on reigning it in, knowing that one day I may be the MIL to my son’s wife and I gotta pay it forward lol
•
u/Lopsided-Storage-256 19h ago
My MIL did a few things that pissed me off too. Brought her son who wouldn’t bathe, had him stay on the floor even though she said he was staying at a hotel. I said she was welcome as a guest as long as she didn’t use my fridge which was stacked with meal prep, and as long as she put her dishes in the washer and washed it when it was full (implying to put it away). She did not listen. When I told her my hooha was infected she told me it wasn’t. She said I was a screamer when my parents came into check on my painful pees. When my mom started assaulting me during breastfeeding she barged in pretty tone deaf to say there’s nothing wrong with formula. When my mom told me I couldn’t have the sugared items guests gave me, she said I’m a whiner and don’t have to involve my husband when he has his own prerogative. And the final dumb shit she pulled was crying to my husband that I hurt her feelings because I had to breastfeed and pee in the bathtub at the same time (only way to avoid peeing on the infection and to clean it) so I didn’t want to see her as she was rushing out to make her flight she was running late for.
24
21
u/cup_1337 1d ago
What’s it called when my MIL is pissing me off and my baby isn’t even here yet? Everything she says and does makes me want to scream.
•
•
18
11
u/stocar 1d ago
Yeah honestly my mother in law is the most kind, considerate, boundaries-abiding person, but the rage and possession I felt postpartum was so real haha. Fortunately once breast-feeding stopped and my boy hit full-throttle toddler time, I was more than happy to share the love. I think grandparents get overly excited (especially with the fist) and forget the postpartum feelings.
7
u/Opening_Run7797 1d ago
Omg yes! When my mil babysits or holds the baby for an extended period of time so that baby smells like her, I literally feel like I am losing it. I immediately have to change baby’s clothes.
8
7
u/Stellar_Jay8 1d ago
lol I feel this deeply. My mil is generally fine but there have been a few oversteps and she really wants to overstay her welcome every time. And my chill, which is admittedly limited under the best of circumstances, is zero in the postpartum period
8
5
3
•
•
u/i_ate_all_the_pizza 9h ago
The hormones are so real! My son was watched by my MIL once a week and I have a great relationship with her but the smell of her detergent or shampoo on him made me furious.
3
•
89
u/sundaymusings 1d ago
You are 3 months post partum. Very much in the thick of it with maternal instinct and hormones raging. It is completely normal to feel this way because you probably see it as something a parent does with their babies and feeling territorial about it.
12
u/yellowpreggo 1d ago
For me, even though I knew I had hormones coursing through me I felt justified. My mom wouldn't give me my baby when I asked to hold her, citing that I needed sleep and rest. She would singsongingly say that she was going to steal my baby back to her home, and would also not allow my sister to hold her.
I had to scream at her to get her to understand how serious I was. 🙄
5
u/PestoPls 23h ago
What’s with people telling you what you need to do postpartum?!?! Just because they want to hold your baby.
This straight up pissed me off when my MIL hogged my baby the first week we were home and kept insisting I needed to shower and sleep when I barely got to hold my own child. I’m like “no, I haven’t even had a chance to meet him. I don’t need to sleep I need my baby”. My husband eventually played interference the second time they visited. Instead she did it to my husband where she told him he needed to do X, Y, Z when he finally got to hold baby after working all day…
•
5
u/sundaymusings 1d ago
Wow that is terrible I’m so sorry you had to deal with that!! I cannot imagine how that must’ve felt.
7
u/yellowpreggo 1d ago
Thanks, I felt like a crazy person. Looking back, I was definitely not crazy. 🤣
22
u/Impressive-Ship3449 1d ago
100% agree. You are still bonding, and it’s normal for moms to feel extremely protective and possessive. I think it’s fair. Men don’t experience the same hormonal and emotional flux postpartum as women, so it’s not surprising husband doesn’t feel the same way
22
u/sundaymusings 1d ago
Exactly. Every time I see this topic being discussed I think of all the animal moms we see being alert and ready to get aggressive when humans come to close to their nest/babies. It is pure instinct. Modern human living conditions and social structures cannot override powerful biological instincts that have protected our species over many generations.
11
u/Impressive-Ship3449 1d ago
Exactly, early on the most important bond is mom and baby, and as time goes on, other family have more time and mom feels more ready for everyone to bond more and more. OP as the months go by, you’ll feel less this way.
It’s totally at your discretion. Don’t do anything with resentment to appease. If you choose to allow it with a willing heart, all the power to you. Everyone is different, some women might not care, but it’s okay if you don’t feel ready for that. If you are away and it’s easier for your mom-in-law physically while watching, and she’s wearing baby properly and safely, I think that is different. But when you are there, I don’t think it’s needed. MIL will have lots of time to bond and lots of other ways to do so that don’t include baby wearing. It shouldn’t hurt her relationship with you or your child.
Anything done with resentment though could hurt your relationship with your MIL so I don’t think it’s worth it to not rock the boat
0
u/Sudden-Cherry Moderate BW 🇪🇺 1d ago
Only that humans have always lived as tribes and in community and never solitary bringing up their young ones and it's not another species but even someone from your family -even if it's the fathers family. That argument doesn't hold at all. We're not bears.
2
u/sundaymusings 1d ago
Living in tribes doesn’t mean that mom isn’t the primary caretaker especially for the first few months.
Also, it’s not clear in my earlier comment but I am not likening humans to animals. I’m simply musing how animal mom behavior is accepted as normal/natural/instinctual but feeling territorial over our babies as human mothers especially in early post partum is often regarded as concerning. Moms who feel this way don’t necessarily WANT to feel this way, they just do.
-2
u/Sudden-Cherry Moderate BW 🇪🇺 1d ago edited 1d ago
There are lots of variation but lots of human tribes that are still living in tribal systems the mother isn't even the one exclusively nursing her own baby. Some human tribes are more mom as primary caretaker orientated but definitely not all. One thing that's also in many tribal cultures is actually older siblings carrying newborn babies most of the day and well only quickly give the baby to mom to feed.
I totally get that feelings are involuntary, but only because they exist doesn't mean we should always act on them unthinkingly. Sometimes yes, sometimes not.
1
u/sundaymusings 1d ago
Thats fair but I imagine that there is a difference in the level of familiarity and trust between members of a close knit tribal community vs those of modern family setting that emphases the nuclear family.
I think you mean involuntary? Also, reading OP’s edits I completely understand why she does not feel comfortable with her MIL wearing her baby. My own mother was very pushy and off putting the way she wanted to interact with my baby as a newborn and I did not want her wearing my baby. I was completely fine with my brother babywearing because he was respectful of my parenting.
0
u/Sudden-Cherry Moderate BW 🇪🇺 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah I meant to write involuntarily. I think the edit makes it fairly clear it's more of a person and boundary issue at the core rather than anything else. That's why it's good to explore the why, rather than just act on all feelings always. Or just chalk them up to natural or whatever. Anything our brain generates is natural. Even hallucinations. Or anxiety disorders. Or mood disorders. Feelings aren't always a good guide. Sometimes the are, but not always. And just because things are considered normal, that's not usually universal but usually highly cultural.
46
u/aferalhousewyfe SSC Veteran, Ring Sling Noob 1d ago
I totally get this. It's difficult to get baby back from someone who is wearing baby, and it does feel like a level of bonding that at 3 months you want to yourself. Maybe it just so happens to be tummy time or the zeitgeist is wet in the washer when she comes over? I don't think you have to have a rational reason for your feelings like this at 3 months tbh. You feel this way and its fair game to avoid things postpartum that make you feel bad.
10
u/bethiejp 1d ago
Totally agree… it would be very awkward to take baby back if they’re all buckled in and it’s natural as baby’s mum to want to quickly and frequently have baby back to comfort/feed/cuddle.
8
u/Marrrrraaa 1d ago
This was my guess as well. It makes the baby less accessible to you when you want her back or if the baby needs you.
I would not have let anyone but my husband and I wear my baby at 3 months. When she hit about 6 months, I didn’t mind and even encouraged the nanny to do it
also did your husband ask you if this is ok before he showed your MIL? there might be an aspect of not agreeing to boundaries first.
But obviously talk with your husband. Maybe you can focus on that you’d just like to wait a couple more months
27
u/gringafalsa 1d ago
I think it is a nice sentiment but you don’t have to allow it if you don’t want to. My MIL wanted to wear him and she’s not good at following rules, so I said no. That was when he was about 5 months. Honestly, I didn’t want them smushed up so close with her perfume smell and her sweating on him. Like you said, I consider it intimate.
11
u/sysofus 1d ago
Thank you!
And yes. Baby smelled like perfume after last time she was here! The horror. It probably wasn’t perfume per se, but some perfumated cream or something. Mother in law energy is so difficult
9
u/cobaltcanning 1d ago
I noticed my baby is like tofu, he’ll smell like anyone who has held him
•
u/WastePotential BW Newbie 23h ago
I have never thought of tofu having that characteristic before. What a comparison hahaa.
•
u/obscureandvague 20h ago
Most perfumes have phthalates, which are endocrine disrupters and harmful to baby. I'd steer clear from anything that has "fragrances" in the ingredients list as it's commonly associated with phthalates.
I remember having to ask my mom to not wear so much perfume or light candles in her house multiple times. She eventually got it but understood that it's more out of habit and not knowing.
•
u/gringafalsa 9h ago
My child smelled like Versace and my mom had the audacity to argue with me about it
21
u/badtranslatedgerman 1d ago
They absolutely can wear my baby, IF they do it safely, and I consider it a gift that reinforces my baby’s emotional support structure and gives him critical sensory feedback and co-regulation. I have also worn friends’ babies for them to give them a break.
I am more concerned about whether this was done safely because most 3mo olds do not safely fit in an Artipoppe Zeitgeist. Have you posted a fit check of you wearing your baby in it? My biggest concern would be with a young baby being worn high enough and tight enough for it to be safe. It’s much less risky once they have head and neck control, which a 3mo old does not. It’s hard enough for parents to get it right, I wouldn’t trust others unless I did a fit check on them myself when putting a young baby in. If you’re using a Zeitgeist at this age I would really post fit check photos here. Does baby’s entire head clear the panel? Can their legs swing freely at the knee?
4
u/sysofus 1d ago
I have had fit check, baby is big and strong. 8 kg and really good head control. 14 weeks.
But yes. I think actually now that Im reading a lot of replies, its also about safety. I do not think she would wear baby in an optimal way by herself when hubby only showed her once.
•
u/Cats_n_Roll 22h ago
I feel like the question was about posting the fit check in r/babywearing. Some brands are notorious for recommending wearing before babies are ready, as in not being up to date with modern standards.
16
u/Ashbae6 1d ago
I have two kids. They are 3 and 1. I am a stay at home mom and often wear they both at the same time. I’ve felt exactly how you feel OP, and still do. I don’t know why I feel weird about it but it does feel weird when they are little like yours. Over the past year my own mom keeps saying how badly she wants to wear my youngest and it’s made me very uncomfy when she’s been little. I am more open to it now that’s she’s older. My biggest thing is that ahe shows no interest in learning the safety.
I am a credited babywearing educator and I KNOW that it’s beneficial for others to wear my kids and I still feel weird about it. You are not alone.
I will say that my kids are accustomed to being worn and I do wish that more people knew how to do it in our lives. It’s on me to teach them. I feel like my hormones are balancing out and it’s getting better.
I agree with everyone else to explore this feeling for you, and for myself. Thanks for being vulnerable and posting this. You are a great mom.
8
u/Vegetable_Collar51 1d ago
Babywearing in the early months feels a little like being pregnant with them again. I’d be uncomfortable with my MIL doing that too. It’s normal to be territorial to preserve and build the bond with your baby, and you’re letting MIL connect with baby in other ways.
46
u/Sudden-Cherry Moderate BW 🇪🇺 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'd try to get to the bottom of why you're feeling like that. I don't think it's that more intimate than carrying in the arms or doing a contact nap. I think you might have made it something exclusive/special that you want to keep for yourself and your husband. Would you feel the same about your own mother? Or maybe not? I think there is more likely actually an underlying reason why you're feeling that way that isn't: it's too intimate. Feelings don't have to follow reason of course.
And yeah I showed a friend how to use the buckle carrier when she watched my then baby.
I'd mostly be concerned about people wearing safely.
ETA: Lots of cultures also don't have only two primary caregivers. It's good for a child to have more than two I'd say.
36
u/Impressive-Ship3449 1d ago
It’s likely both emotional and hormonal. It’s normal to be extremely protective and possessive of our young, especially early on within the first year
3
u/Sudden-Cherry Moderate BW 🇪🇺 1d ago
I have to admit I never experienced the extent that others did. Mostly I was afraid of other people messing up but not extremely so. But if that would be the case I don't really see the difference between taking the baby outside in the stroller or having it in the arms
9
u/Impressive-Ship3449 1d ago
I get what you are saying. I think it’s just personal preference. And on the other side of it, since holding or taking out in a stroller in theory isn’t that different, that should be enough for MIL if mom doesn’t feel like she needs to baby wear when mom is there :)
I personally do feel like baby wearing is a bit more personal, babies love to snuggle into their moms more than other people
Also, for me, this early on with my babies, I find it easier to assess their needs when I can see their face, and I feel more relaxed when they are close to me, or I can see them and take them back easily. Having baby tucked close in a baby carrier makes that difficult, and I think ultimately if mom is home, she might likely be the one baby wants most, and mom likely will feel best being the closest to baby.
I know some women feel very different though, and I also think it’s different with your own mom vs. MIL
4
u/Sudden-Cherry Moderate BW 🇪🇺 1d ago edited 1d ago
I don't agree with mom always by default being the person "baby wants most" and even if that is the case it doesn't sound like it's during times that mom actually would be wearing or having the baby on her nor that should mean only mom get to wear baby.. mom can't always wear the baby all the time. Where are the dads in this argument? If mom is indeed the person baby wants the most in this case, that would also mean dad or other parent whatever the gender shouldn't be wearing baby? It's just not really an argument. And witholding cuddles baby might want or not just because it's not mom also doesn't sound like it. I can understand the visuals argument or how quickly to be able to take baby back but that is even more the case if baby is out alone with the other person in the stroller even if they are sleeping initially..
Ultimately feelings are not rational but that also doesn't mean you always have to act on them. I think it can be useful sometimes challenging some feelings of they aren't based in anything helpful. You might still decide to act on them even if it's not rational just because it just has too much impact. But OP was asking for input
And the underlying issue might not actually be the carrying but maybe boundaries? Or a person issue? But the carrying gets a bit of a strawman.
•
u/sysofus 18h ago
Dad wears baby all the time. They both love it. My rational side is seeing that dad just wanted to share this beautiful thing with his mom. My feelings say otherwise
•
u/Sudden-Cherry Moderate BW 🇪🇺 17h ago
Yeah that was directed at the persons argument. And several other arguments saying baby only needs mom which is just not a good reason for arguing who gets to wear the baby or not, then that would logically apply to the other parent as well. Also there are families with two dads. Families where the mother didn't birth the child. There is a lot of naturalism arguments here that just aren't sound arguments in this very question. And when the actual reason of the feelings is something else entirely anyway
•
u/Impressive-Ship3449 5h ago edited 5h ago
I think you are mistaking my stance. I’m simply saying it’s fair for mom to feel that way, especially if she is present. If MIL is babysitting, I think that is a different situation however, even though feelings still seem valid to me regardless
And when I say mom is most important bond initially, I don’t mean that bonding with other caregivers isn’t important, it’s also good, and happens initially as well. But mom is often source of nourishment, where baby lived for 9 months, and also the most impacted by birth. That doesn’t mean baby doesn’t want or need other caregivers. All those bonds are important. But I’d argue that mom is usually dominant in those initial weeks/months in many ways. But if mom isn’t able, others fill those gaps.
And ultimately, if someone asked me to watch their baby, whether grandchild or not, I wouldn’t feel entitled to be able to baby wear, and if they said no but I had alternative methods of carrying them, I’d be fine with that.
•
u/Sudden-Cherry Moderate BW 🇪🇺 5h ago
I'm just not agreeing with the "mom is the most important bond for baby" "baby wants always to be with mom" generalisations. The concept itself is not universally true and dismisses other important attachment figures. And gets iffy because it also implicitly judges different family set ups. And the logical consequences of that premise for the question of the post also would also be nobody except mom should be allowed. Which nobody is actually meaning to say. So then it wasn't the right argumentation to begin with for the question.
3
u/Same-Key-1086 1d ago
Yeah, it's normal to be possessive of your baby, but in that case, stay with your baby, no? Dont ask for free babysitting and then complain thay holding the baby is too intimate?
What about the baby? Doesn't he deserve intimacy when his mother is gone?
11
u/sysofus 1d ago
Haha. I did not ask for a free babysitting. My husband watched baby, they were at my mils house. She wants to see/hold/be with baby all the time. It has not been for our sake yet, its for her sake.
•
•
u/Impressive-Ship3449 5h ago
Yeah, that changes the tone of her wanting to baby wear for sure. I think your feelings are valid
-8
u/LegitimateWarthog641 1d ago
What about for your babies sake? Do you not want them to be loved by family?
11
u/sysofus 1d ago
Yes. And family is loving the baby. But for a 3 mo old? I think baby actually only wants and needs to be with me. Other family can come later.
And i am letting her bond with baby.
But the whole babysitting thing? That’s not for me. Its for her
0
u/Sudden-Cherry Moderate BW 🇪🇺 1d ago
"only wants and needs to be with me" eridicates the other parent completely in how you worded this. I'd be careful about that.
•
-1
u/pigsbounty 1d ago
Why is it so bad that she wants to spend time with her first and only grandchild just because she wants to? That’s normal. Tbh it sounds like you kinda have beef with your MIL in general
•
u/Impressive-Ship3449 5h ago
She’s not keeping her kid from MIL. She’s simply not wanting her to baby wear. MIL has a lot of time with grandchild by the sounds of it
•
u/pigsbounty 5h ago
I’m not talking about the baby wearing, I’m just responding to OP seeming annoyed that when MIL offers to babysit it’s not for purely selfless reasons lol there’s nothing wrong with a grandparent offering to babysit because they want to spend time with their grandchild
7
u/sundaymusings 1d ago
There are other ways to bond with baby and mom always takes priority over anyone else with a baby this young.
1
u/LegitimateWarthog641 1d ago
Not disagreeing, but I do think the way OP worded that comment was more so dogging on her Mil w no reason ( at least none that I have seen)
6
u/SuggestionBoth7402 1d ago
What a ridiculous comment.
1
u/LegitimateWarthog641 1d ago
It was more so to play the devils advocate, at 3 months old ofc it doesn’t play in much but it definitely does later.
•
u/Impressive-Ship3449 5h ago
And so those bonds will strengthen later. My first hardly ever wanted to be held by my MIL, and now she absolutely LOVES her at 5yrs old. They have a great relationship
6
u/Impressive-Ship3449 1d ago
I think from the sounds of it, MIL is wanting to do it more when mom is also home? Maybe it’s also when babysitting. But that was how I interpreted it
6
u/RhiaSparkles 1d ago
I let my mom babywear when he was younger, and I'm currently teaching her how to use a ring sling with my now toddler. I think I'd let anyone who I trust to look after my baby also babywear them. Tbh I wish more of our family would have the confidence to babywear our child.
I'm not particularly sure about my MIL because she's a little unconcerned about safety and not great at following our rules. In consequence I'm not leaving her home alone wiht my son either.
5
u/tertullian321 1d ago
My husband is really the only one, although my sister will if it comes up, but she lives far away so it's rare. If I'm available, I don't think anyone else would even ask quite honestly. But my sister wore our daughter while I wore our son. I also only use woven wraps and ring slings so people feel intimidated by them.
5
u/nicole_1 1d ago
It’s allowed if you allow it - if you’re not comfortable for whatever reason (vibes can be a reason) then it’s not allowed!!
5
9
u/ExternalAd9994 1d ago
Absolutely, it’s often the only way to sooth my baby besides breastfeeding so if I’m asking someone else to look after my baby it would be completely unreasonable for me not to let them do it
3
u/Impressive-Ship3449 1d ago
Yeah, I think if mom is gone, or if MIL is watching without mom’s help, that’s different. But if mom is home and wanting to hold baby, that’s different
3
u/kmhd4ksoo 23h ago
Babes your hormones are making you feel this way and it’s absolutely valid. Pretty much the same happened to me. I was caught off guard, one minute my hubs was wearing baby, the next he was helping MIL get the carrier strapped up. All while grinning at me and said “gonna let Mama try the carrier hehe!” I never expected to feel the rage that I felt in that moment. Absolutely nothing against her just…. Yeah for some reason it’s too much. No need to explain the reason lol just don’t allow the opportunity to arise EVER AGAIN (or at least until the hormones settle themselves)
3
u/lkarl 1d ago
My mom has always worn her grandkids if it’s helpful and practical in the moment. Especially when we are out and about with more than 1 baby/toddler. I’m also fine with other friends or trusted family members. I don’t think it would be fair to expect them to carry my baby in their arms without a carrier when a carrier or wrap could make it so much easier and comfortable for everyone.
2
u/Top_Pie_8658 1d ago
I’m pretty sure like 90% of my family has worn either my or my sister’s kids at some point. I don’t understand the possessive nature of not letting others wear my kid but I’ve also never had the possessive nature about my kid at all. I fell in love with baby wearing because of my experience wearing my sister’s kids when they were little. It’s also nice sometimes to just have someone else doing the heavy lifting
3
u/Human_Hyena2117 1d ago
I would agree with you. Love my baby being loved, but only myself or my husband can baby wear.
3
u/Sassquapadelia 1d ago
I felt this way a bit with my first baby, not so much with my second, but both my kids absolutely loathe(d) the car seat and stroller as infants so wearing was/is the only option and I can’t do it alone so I do accept the help. I’d much rather my baby be snuggled up on a warm body and a beating heart when the alternative (in my case) was them screaming and uncomfortable in a stroller. If the stroller were an enjoyable option I def would have used it more.
3
u/LegitimateWarthog641 1d ago
Yes! I looove when people want to wear my baby, my sister specifically always asks too and I’m able to make sure she is worn safely! Makes me so happy seeing my baby so loved. My MIL has never asked to but I would have no problem. It’s definitely hard to see your baby live someone else so much but I just remind myself that’s I’m her mom and these are her family members that love her. She’s also the first grandbaby on both sides!
1
u/Sudden-Cherry Moderate BW 🇪🇺 1d ago
My oldest daughter at one visit of my sister made a point about saying she wanted my sister to be her mom instead of me. I know lots of people would feel hurt or whatever but I didn't. Because it means she feels safe expressing and experimenting with what reactions she'd get and she knew I'd still love her unconditionally even if she rejects me (very temporarily - she had the heaviest mom-only phases for so long that honestly it was a relief not her clinging only to me on rare occasions). Love isn't conditional. I'll love my children no matter what they say. And love isn't a finite source either
2
u/LegitimateWarthog641 1d ago
Ughhh yessss! My girl is such a mommas girl until my MIL is around then I get a bit of a break while I know my baby is comfortable and in good hands!
3
u/kalthoraa 1d ago
I wouldn’t want anyone else wearing my baby tbh. The fact that someone else would have to unstrap them from their body before I can get to them makes me nervous.
3
u/Cosmo-Beyond4466 1d ago
Nope. I'm only letting my husband and that's it. Just us. I can't. No. Find it also too intimate
3
u/reilsreilsreils 1d ago
I couldn’t relate more OP. I’m on baby 2 and have learned this time to 100% honour my feelings so resentment doesn’t build. Go with your gut and don’t feel the slightest ashamed. In due time everyone will get what they want and need from each relationship - including your baby bonding with grandparents etc. The hormones are very real.
2
u/Poor_Carol 1d ago
I feel the same way as you. I know it's not rational, but it would send me into a rage if my husband let his mom wear our baby. (Luckily he wouldn't because he doesn't trust himself to use our Solly or ring sling without me checking his fit.) I can't explain it though because if my sister offered to I would be totally fine with her doing it after I taught her how. I suppose it's the level of trust/comfort I have with my sister vs my mother in law? I don't think I'd ask my own parent to wear my baby mostly because she's a small woman and a little unsteady. She also wouldn't be comfortable with it so she's never asked!
2
u/SongsAboutGhosts 1d ago
My parents have both worn my son, but only very recently - at about 31mo! My partner and I both wear both our babies (the younger one is 7mo), me especially. I love it and find it intimate too, it's definitely not something I like sharing when they're little.
2
u/Stellar_Jay8 1d ago
My husband and my mom are both fine to wear but I had to teach them both how to do it safely. I’m not sure I trust my MIL, both due to physical limitations and because I suspect she wouldn’t wear as safely.
2
u/whereswalda 1d ago
The only other people who wore kiddo were my mum and my brother, and only after a lot of instruction on safe fit, using my own carriers.
My parents never wore any of us, and I think that was better, honestly. My mum was totally new to it and had no preconceived notions. She paid attention when I taught her how to use the carrier, and listened when I made adjustments. Same with my brother, he was really attentive and made sure to ask questions about anything he wasn't sure of. I dont think I'd let my MIL wear her, even now kiddo is over a year. She wore my husband and his siblings 35 years ago, and would think she doesnt need a refresh on a good fit.
2
u/Ambitious_Mud5343 1d ago
I am almost 4 months pp, and honestly my MIL is a saint. She is singlehandedly the reason i didn't give up on nursing, she will come sit with my girl (AT MY HOUSE!!! Which was a big thing for me in the beginning!) Anytime i need her. She has our girl sometimes, also a big baby imo, already over 16lbs at just about 4 months. But that being said she had asked my husband and I if we would be okay with her getting a carrier for when she has baby at their house. I was the one to immediately say yes. I know my girl, i know thats how she feels safe, and it helps her regulate. To me, it was just one more way i knew she would be okay without us for a few hours. Plus, my MIL was the one to push me to start baby wearing because she did with all 10 of her kids. And boy am I glad she did.
I want to add though, this is my experience and its totally valid and okay, to be uncomfortable with it. At the end of the day, it is your baby. Plus, 3 months pp was like the hardest time for me for like 2 weeks. I was emotionally everywhere. And things I'd normally be okay with felt wrong. So give yourself grace, and feel free to say no if it makes YOU uncomfortable!
•
2
u/Repulsive-Tea-9641 1d ago
I don’t trust others to get a safe and correct fit and my carriers are set for myself. Also I don’t see how a 3 month old will easily get a safe fit in n the artipoppe
•
u/Prestigious-Bid-7582 23h ago
My mum wore my daughter one day to run some errands and it didn’t bother me. She was over to watch my daughter while I was studying snd wanted free hands when running errands which I couldn’t fault her for. She wore her a couple more times when she was staying with us but my mum is very respectful of this type to thing.
Is it the safety piece that is concerning you? I showed my mum how to wear her properly and she always came fit checks before she left. My husband has been wearing my daughter for two months and has just graduated to be able to leave without a fit check, I am a bit of a control freak!
•
u/Dull_Moose5044 22h ago
I let one of my close friends (college roommate) wear my son in the carrier at the zoo around 2 months or so lol 😝
I wouldn't let my MIL carry either of my babies in the carrier... I don't fuckin like her
•
u/goreprincess98 20h ago
I didn't let anyone wear my baby other than myself. My husband wore our daughter a few times but she got super fussy bc no boob cushion, so I always ended up taking her back. Your baby, your rules!
•
u/Aly_Kitty 20h ago
Other people? Depends on the person. My MIL? Absolutely not. I don’t want her stink on my baby and I don’t want her pressing her body up against my baby.
My husband can wear our kids. My dad has worn my baby. My mom, sister in laws or friends could. But I pray everyday that my MIL gets sucked up into a black hole so definitely not her.
•
u/hihelloyellow4 18h ago
Nah I’m with you on this one. It seems really personal to wear your baby. Some people may be fine with it but for me it is something I can do when I don’t want my baby to be passed around or when I am worried about boundaries being crossed. Baby wearing has been like a security blanket for me and my baby in my anxious postpartum period. Want visitors to leave? Oh baby is tired I am going to wear them. MIL keeps kissing baby? Baby wear.
When someone else can wear the baby (besides my partner) that security is taken away.
Ultimately it’s up to you and what you feel comfortable with but if you don’t want to her to wear the baby you can say it’s in the wash or you don’t want to mess with it the fit because it’s taken a long time to get it right
•
u/Pickle-Face208 17h ago
No one else wore my baby - I feel like you did, it just wasn’t something I wanted anyone else to do. They’ve also never been left with anyone for a long period of time where it would be needed. It’s ok to say no to your MIL.
•
u/Ninjacatzzz 17h ago
My postpartum doula wore my newborn when visiting, would cook and clean with baby in it but I completely trusted her because she was a baby wearing expert (and teaching me) and also raised three kids herself. I was fine with it because of the complete trust I had in her. It would be hard if you didn't have that trust though.
•
u/Most-Chart-5970 16h ago
Just commenting to say that I’d also have an unexplainable issue with this (but I think safety and the intimacy of it are two big reasons). And also that I feel so very validated reading all of these comments and seeing that so many people have these postpartum feelings towards their, otherwise lovely, MILs
•
u/eben1996 15h ago
My second baby is almost 11 months and I wear her most days. I've only let my mum and my sister wear her, my mum because she was babysitting while we went to a concert, and the carrier is my daughter's favourite place to nap. My sister, because she was taking baby out for a quick grocery run (just a 2 minute walk) so I offered her the carrier instead of the pram. Both times I double checked the fit and made sure they understand the safety rules.
I would probably let my mil babywear now but she has arthritis so idk whether she'd enjoy it 😂
Definitely wouldn't have let anyone wear baby (apart from her dad) before she was 5 or 6 months though.
•
u/dynochickennugget 15h ago
I’m still pregnant with my first, and haven’t even thought of this scenario, but I understand where you’re coming from. I honestly wouldn’t trust my in-laws to wear my baby. I barely trust them with my dogs!
•
u/QuietThoughtsOnly 14h ago
you're definitely not alone in feeling that way, especially with a 3-month-old when babywearing can feel very connected and personal. for me, it wouldn't be about whether babywearing is objectively okay, but whether i felt comfortable with that specific person doing it, and "i'd rather you hold or stroller baby instead" is a completely reasonable boundary.
3
u/screwtoprose- 1d ago
i don’t think this is a normal response if i am being honest. it’s no more intimate than just holding the baby and i absolutely would try to get to the bottom of why you feel this way.
3
u/Impressive-Ship3449 1d ago
I think some women feel more possessive than others. Also not all MIL are the same, or as trust worthy. The relationship between mom and MIL will play a role.
You wouldn’t want someone you are not close with smooshed up with your baby. Just because they are your MIL doesn’t for sure mean you have a super strong relationship.
3
u/screwtoprose- 1d ago
yes, i should have clarified that if they are okay with MIL holding their baby, it doesn’t seem different to me than baby wearing. i also don’t understand why teach MIL to baby wear in the first place? if they didn’t have a good relationship, then i wouldn’t have let them to begin with.
1
u/Impressive-Ship3449 1d ago
It was her husband I believe. Dads often don’t feel the same way as new moms
3
u/screwtoprose- 1d ago
she is ok with the MIL taking her baby in stroller on walks alone and also with MIL generally taking care of baby but doesn’t let MIL babywear baby. it seems that there is a disconnect somewhere. i am not saying its wrong, just that there are likely deeper feelings at play.
3
u/sundaymusings 1d ago
It is very normal and instinctual. Logic doesn’t override biological instincts especially so freshly post partum.
3
u/screwtoprose- 1d ago
what’s the difference in letting someone carry or contact nap with baby though? i guess “not a normal” response wasn’t what i meant. just… different. i don’t think it is anymore intimate than petting someone els hold my baby.
2
u/sundaymusings 1d ago
I don’t know how to explain it to someone who doesn’t get it but to me babywearing was very intimate especially in the first few months. I was okay for my girl to by burped by my mum and her sleeping on my mum’s lap but somehow babywearing crossed the line of comfort for me.
I also hated smelling another person’s scent on her. Even the first couple weeks of daycare at 13 months I had a visceral reaction smelling the general daycare smell and teacher’s perfume on her. I love her daycare teachers as does my child and they love my little girl so much. It still didn’t make me less irritated smelling that on my girl. It is not logical. It is just the way it is.
1
u/Franzy48 1d ago
For me baby wearing wasn't specifically an issue because I'm the only one who taught people how to wear my baby and I would only teach people if they were people I super trusted, but yes, I absolutely noticed a very huge reaction from me in terms of people inside my circle of trust versus outside my circle of trust when it came to holding my baby. Even people I generally liked and had no reason to believe were unsafe to my baby, I would just get so internally riled and upset and angry when they were holding my babies, so yes I do get it! I really only liked my closest friends and closest family members to hold her.
1
u/warm-grass-in-summer 1d ago
I had friends wear my baby and also my MIL. But those are people I trust and feel safe with. It’s your choice alone who you’ll feel comfortable with. Nobody else needs to validate or understand your boundaries, they are yours to have and uphold.
1
u/xxoooxxoooxx 1d ago
Your feelings are totally valid! I wonder too if you would get a different response in other subs. Here you will find people who are passionate about sharing their love of babywearing, so they may be more comfortable than the general public with other caregivers wearing their baby.
1
u/hash-slingin_slashr 1d ago
I would feel the exact same way tbh. Reading comments it seems the consensus is that it’s not a big deal, but I do agree with you personally. Nobody else holds my baby long enough to justify wearing and I want to be able to grab her whenever I feel like it. It doesn’t sound like she’s doing anything to purposely upset you or do harm to your child, and she obviously doesn’t think anything of it except that she wants that experience.
Definitely listen to the other comments and figure out why you feel this way (I’ll be doing the same now lol), but in the end you can have boundaries and this is far from an unreasonable one.
1
u/OwnPhilosopher7173 1d ago
it’s not necessary unless she’s the only one watching the baby. why does anyone need to wear the baby if there are others around to hold the baby? of course i’m talking about appropriate people and environment. you can explain to her that baby wearing is actually for when you’re watching the baby alone and need to free your arms, but it’s not so practical if yall are all together.
1
u/Quiet-ForestDweller 1d ago
If you aren’t comfortable with it then you aren’t comfortable with it. Ask both your husband and her not to do it anymore, if they ask why tell them you arent comfortable with it. If your MIL cant remember what it’s like to be a post partum mom then thats on her. Stick to your guns and do what makes you feel comfortable about YOUR baby. Don’t let people try to make you feel guilty for feeling what you feel and having preferences when it comes to your child.
1
u/Plant-Freak 1d ago
Just wanted to validate you because I totally felt the same way! Both my mother and my MIL wanted to wear the baby and I didn't deny them but I had exactly the same feelings as you, especially with my MIL because like you added she also wears fragrance, but mostly the intimacy thing. I wanted to add that I used to be an infant nanny and even when parents had baby carriers and told me I could use them, I rarely did. I was very conscious of the blurry line of having a very close relationship with the babies and their families, but also still being an employee and not a real member of the immediate family. And something about baby wearing just seemed slightly too intimate for that boundary. I did still wear the babies sometimes, especially if the parents encouraged it, but if there was a stroller or I could just carry them in my arms for awhile I would always opt for that.
I also wanted to add that around 6 months or so my baby got a lot heavier and the grandmas both didn't want to wear him anymore, so it might be a problem that resolves itself naturally!
•
u/PinkiePiedotexe 10h ago
My girl is 17 months (15 months adjusted) and no-one except for me and my husband has been wearing her. She has never been away from us (always been with at least one of her parents) and she is a very private and sensitive child. She was born prematurely and is probably neurodivergent like her parents. However, recently I've started talking to my mum about her trying to wear my daughter, because they are very close and I think it would be fun for the both of them. I haven't been ready before now, and that is perfectly valid! Take your time, and if you never get there that is also valid! You just gave birth, be kind to yourself and respect your feelings 🩷 postpartum is hard!
•
u/northernatmosphere 7h ago
I 100% would not want my MIL to wear my baby. I miiiight have let my mom, except she is very clumsy so that’s also a no-go.
1
u/ProfessionalNo5083 1d ago
I have a 12 week old and currently am not comfortable with anyone but my husband or me baby wearing. Maybe it’s easier as I’ve generally kept my baby at a distance with people. I don’t offer him yo hold except if they are our immediate family members aka aunts, uncles, etc. As he gets bigger I am broadening this but slowly and as I feel ready. My parents and my MIL always get good baby snuggles when they visit but even that’s taken time to build to.
My MIL is a baby whisperer and sometimes I ask her to change how she holds him when it’s too close for my comfort (I’m easing up on this over time). My mom holds my baby further away naturally. I don’t think it’d be necessary for them to baby wear.
I am realizing my MIL is my husbands mom and therefore his ultimate comfort (I know it’s obvious… lol) so he naturally doesn’t have the same boundaries as me with her!
In any case, there’s nothing wrong with having your boundaries with your babe as long as you have a vision of how you’ll let their relationship with family develop over time.
1
u/New_Blueberry4638 1d ago
My baby is almost 8 months old and I still don’t want anyone wearing her besides my husband or me. I’m not really even sure why lol I just feel like it’s something for parents to do.
1
u/NeitherSimple6784 1d ago
I don’t have any issues with other people wearing my baby. If I was concerned about safety I would just teach them. I think it’s excellent that she wants to be involved in such a nurturing way. My mil would be more likely to push me to sleep train than offer to babywear 🙄
I understand the “mil energy” (I don’t get along with mine too well) but please try and remember this is your child’s grandmother. In my opinion it’s an important relationship and I personally try to foster and support it as much as I can. Even if I find it a bit irritating internally 🫣 I had a very close relationship with both my grandmothers and I’m sure my mum found her mil annoying at times but she never got in the way of that.
•
u/Impressive-Ship3449 5h ago
Grandma can bond just as much with grandchild without baby wearing though
1
u/wildmusings88 23h ago
Trust your gut. Just trust your gut. You don’t have to justify it to us. Trust your instincts and your gut, they’re there for a reason.
•
u/burritopalace 21h ago
No, with the biggest reason being that if they accidentally tripped or lost their balance and hurt my 6 month old I would have a hard time forgiving them. Neither of us need to be put in that position. My in laws especially, they’re 68 and 80. No way they’re wearing my baby 😅
•
u/AdviceOk7737 7h ago
Baby #2 is 3mos old and I would not allow this. I find it intimate bonding as well, and just not something I’d be comfortable with anyone else doing. Honestly even when my husband wears him I get a little salty hahahahahah (obviously I love my husband and my son greatly and I want them to have a great bond so don’t come for me) but I think it’s probably a combination of hormones and maternal instinct.
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hey there, it looks like your post may be about Artipoppe carriers. A note to commenters on this post: We do NOT allow linking your Artipoppe referral code here. Publicly linking your Artipoppe referral code violates the Artipoppe Referral Program Terms and Conditions, they will deactivate your account for this behavior. Terms and conditions can be found here (see point #10.) We are a support sub, not a pool of people from which to farm referral dollars. Accounts that link their referral code may be banned at moderator discretion.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.