People constantly point out my autism and then get mad at me for repeating it

[u/womensboxers]

TL;DR: People clock my autism so often but when I mention my own autism to other (mostly NT) people, they react so negatively as if I just called myself a loser or something and try to "cheer me up". Am I not supposed to bring it up to NT people or something?

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For as long as I can remember, I've been reminded of my autistic tendencies by everyone 24/7. Due to incredibly neglectful teachers, excellent grades achieved with little effort, and parents who just interpreted me to be a "silly/quirky" girl, I slipped through and was never diagnosed.

Throughout school, people always said there was "just something off" about me, and I was ostracized by my peers for overall "being weird". As I entered college, people just straight up started calling me autistic, usually friends and coworkers and not in a hostile way.

I'm constantly asked by both neurotypical and neurodivergent people if I'm autistic and/or diagnosed, with varying degrees of politeness ranging from "are you autistic? I'm asking because I/friend is and I see a lot of similarities" to "are you autistic? You should really get that checked out". This makes me think I'm not very good at masking, but people let it slide because I'm a "conventionally attractive" and stylish woman.

And so, I've gotten used to viewing myself as an autistic person. I'm pretty comfortable with and have accepted this label, I really like myself and the way my brain works. I have amazing conversations with my diagnosed autistic friends and we relate to eachother so much in ways we don't with neurotypical people. So lately, when I start to sense neurotypical people noticing my autism using social and contextual cues, I declare my autism in a very casual, nonchalant, and often joking manner.

Most people don't care when I do this, but I'll get the occasional person who reacts strongly to this either by heavily insisting I'm not autistic at all or trying to "cheer me up". Recently, a classmate asked me why I knew so much information about my special interest, so I said something along the lines of "my bad, my autistic ass loves talking about special interests" in an obviously joking and lighthearted manner. She got extremely upset and told me to stop talking down on myself and that I seem to hate myself (we've had only 2 conversations and the first one was about our class), which offended me because, to me, the only reason she might think that about me is because she thinks autism is something I should hate or be ashamed of--which might be true because she comes from an extremely traditional background.

This makes me consider just not telling people about my autism, at all. But when I do tell people about it and it's received positively, people are so much more understanding and vibe with me better. When I don't, I just get ostracized like I was back in school because everyone just calls me a weirdo and avoids me. I don't think I bring it up too much, because when I hear about the way people describe me, it's always amazing things and never about my autism. What is happening and what do I do?

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[u/Lotuselise230]

This is so real. Like okay make up your mind! Am I a weird and off-putting alien who speaks too bluntly and whose face is always a problem or am I “normal”? It can’t be both! 😂

[u/womensboxers → u/Lotuselise230]

THANK YOU!! Someone who gets it!

[u/Lotuselise230 → u/womensboxers]

I’m really glad you have learned to love yourself as an autistic person. Don’t let anyone take that from you! I’m at that point, too, thankfully. Autism can cause a lot of hardship, but I still wouldn’t trade it to be neurotypical, given a choice. I like how my brain works and just wish society was more accommodating of different neurotypes and of disabilities in general!

[u/womensboxers → u/Lotuselise230]

I just view it as a characteristic in the same way that I'm short. Both autism and being short is a really fun experience for me, but there are times I get annoyed at my autism/shortness, for example when I can't reach a shirt at a clothing store, or when I'm struggling to read a friend and understand how they might view me.

I think it's also the fact that when I finally realized I was autistic, I had lived a long enough life of confusion and not "fitting in". So the new info clarified a lot and helped me find many new tools + resources to learn how to get along with people better, and I accepted it right away. I don't think I would've accepted it as fast and easily if I found out too young, and it would've probably made me really upset and even more insecure. Like, in elementary school I didn't even care about the fact everyone thought I was weird--I was too busy digging in my nose and participating in tag at recess.

[u/Lotuselise230 → u/womensboxers]

I can relate! It took me so long to figure out that it was actually a huge relief to *finally* understand myself after thinking I was just broken for over 30 years. I have so much more compassion for myself than I used. I’m willing to accommodate myself when I used to just push and push and push and feel like the biggest failure. Now, I’m so proud of how far I’ve come despite not having the support I needed for most of my life. My life improved SO much when I started accommodating my autism and ADHD. I’d been living on extra hard mode for real. Shout out to past me for surviving long enough to figure things out.

[u/Winter-Park2417 → u/womensboxers]

I took you saying short as you get angered easy not that you are smaller in stature. Lol sorry

[u/viper459 → u/Lotuselise230]

It's whatever is more convenient at the time for the NT trying to win an argument with you /s

[u/Lotuselise230 → u/viper459]

True! It’s whatever will get them the most social capital in any given moment.

[u/seeking_seeker]

I used to go to a zen meditation group. After I was diagnosed I told the group and the leader of the group. I paid attention to the leader and she made a very weird face and didn’t acknowledge it at all. Mind you, this was someone who was always responsive to other topics being brought up. I stopped going to that meditation group. Bad vibes.

[u/womensboxers → u/seeking_seeker]

Ugh! I'm irritated on your behalf--it comforts me to see I'm not the only person who experiences this though. I wonder why so many people react like this--like genuinely what's the thought process

[u/seeking_seeker → u/womensboxers]

I suspect the leader of the meditation group is of that cohort who thinks autism is over diagnosed and a fad diagnosis.

[u/womensboxers → u/seeking_seeker]

I swear my coworker was just like this. She overheard another autistic coworker joke about my autism (which was obviously friendly and I was laughing along) and she was like "oh my god, you're autistic? Like, diagnosed?" and I said "well no, but I'm 110% sure I do have it." and she was like "You're not autistic girl." and hugged me as if she just gave me a huge compliment???

[u/seeking_seeker → u/womensboxers]

I honestly just disregard people who are invalidating. Like, that person you described is not a professional. Ignore. It’s hurtful, yeah, but these people aren’t going to be convinced of your identity as a neurodivergent person.

[u/mmeellttiinngg]

NT people see any divergence as a personality flaw and as such, a moral failing.

When I was a kid, if I hurt myself by accident or something, my caregivers would often jokingly say "what did you go and do that for?" - the joke being that I obviously didn't do it on purpose. When I mention any of my differences to people now as an adult, I get the same response, but in earnest this time, "why would you go and be different? why wouldn't you fix that? why are you talking about it like it's ok?"