not diagnosed but need to vent

[u/omtanr]

hi so i’m 19f and a couple years ago, i figured out i might have autism (side note: i read the subreddit rules and JUST TO BE CLEAR, I AM NOT ASKING FOR A DIAGNOSIS). i haven’t been properly diagnosed, but hear me out on the reasons i’m like 99% sure i have autism:

- i’ve always felt like an “alien” or like i was different growing up. i was constantly misunderstood and accused of doing things i had no intention of doing (like rolling my eyes when i was quite literally just looking up at the ceiling). i thought this feeling would go away with age, assuming i always felt lost or different solely because i was a child. but then i got older and realized things weren’t really getting better and that i always feel a bit confused or alienated

- EYE CONTACT. omg i remember when i was in 4th grade, i tried practicing having better eye contact bc that’s what i was told to do. my stepmom and i were having a conversation and at the end, she was like “did i have something on my face?” and i was like “what? no.” and she said “oh okay, because you were staring at me really intensely” 😭😭 and i didn’t even realize i was- i was just trying to give eye contact correctly, but i was overly focused on it and questioning which eye to look at lmao

- taking things too literally - if i got paid every time i took things too literally, i’d be a rich mf. it makes it so difficult when neurotypical people are giving me directions and they just expect me to know what they mean. i need specific and literal directions and if you don’t give them to me, i’d prob ask a million questions until i’m sure i understand what you want from me. also i remember when i was first looking up symptoms for autism, and the first one was “taking things too literally.” and yk what my thought process was?? “oh that’s not me bc if someone were to say it’s raining cats and dogs outside, i wouldn’t believe them, so i don’t think i have autism.” looking back on it, that thought process was proof of autism itself lol

- specifics - kinda ties into the last bullet point, but i often come off as indecisive when i actually just don’t know how to answer unless it’s under very specific circumstances. for instance, if someone asked me “would you rather go to a party or the library?” i’d immediately think “well who’s hosting the party? who’s all going to be there?” bc if it’s someone that i’m comfortable with and enjoy being around, i’d choose the party. but in other circumstances, i’d most likely choose the library bc i prefer quieter and structured environments

- having people stop talking to me or ghosting me with literally no clue as to why - i’m a pretty empathetic and kind person. not judgmental and don’t share blunt opinions to avoid offending people, even if I’m thinking it. so i never really understand why people stop talking to me randomly, especially because i rarely get into arguments and conflict with others. we could just be consistently texting and having good conversation and then the next day, they’re gone. it’s like we never even met. i genuinely don’t know why some people have stopped talking to me

- special interests and hyper-fixations - when i’m interested in something, it consumes me and my entire being. it got to the point where i’ve actually lost hours of sleep because of this. i’ll think about it all day and if i’m expected to do or think about anything else, i’m likely thinking about the next time i can indulge in my special interest again. i remember in 4th grade, i just got into k-pop and practically the entire day at school, that’s all i was thinking about. and then everything i did and said started to be k-pop related. i’d get fashion inspo from k-pop music videos, i’d listen to and sing their songs all the time (same ones on repeat), i’d quite literally imagine the music videos in my head at school while i’m supposed to be reading a book bc 1. it was a bit hard to focus on things i wasn’t interested in and 2. i watched the music videos that many times that i could play it in my head almost completely accurately

- being socially awkward and easily exhausted by social interactions - i get tired out by people SO easily. even in my own home, i need to retreat to my room sometimes to just get away from people and exist in my own space without worrying about being perceived. when i’m at get-togethers, i often hide out in bathrooms bc that’s the one space i can be alone and (quite literally) lock myself up and away from everyone.

- executive dysfunction - wanting so badly to do a task and get it done, but not being able to do it. it’s especially hard to explain this to people bc they just assume i’m lazy or slacking off. but i truly want to get things done. i just simply can’t sometimes.

- skill regression - this might fall more into the category of being burnt out, but there are things i used to be able to do that i can’t anymore. i’m a college student, which means my schedule is a lot more flexible than it was during grades k-12. and let me tell you- idk how tf i used to stay at school for 7 hours straight and do extracurriculars?? now i can barely manage to convince myself to go to my 1-2 classes each day. i don’t have a job right now and i can’t imagine how burnt out i might be trying to juggle that with school. but also on the note of skill regression- sometimes i notice my skills are very inconsistent. like driving for example. i can do it just fine one day and then all of a sudden, the next day, it’s like my first day driving all over again.

- structure and predictable environments - this kinda ties into my last bullet point, but i thrive in predictable and structured situations. i have a very hard time with spontaneous, flexible situations or overly abstract activities and tasks. i can’t do sports. it’s just way too spontaneous and different every time. i struggle with keeping up with everything and staying coordinated. plus, i’ve been bullied in the past for being so bad at sports, so that kinda traumatized me out of wanting to participate solely for fun. or i remember when i was in dance class as a kid, for example, my teammates looked forward to freeze dance at the end of class. i dreaded it because it was just too abstract for me. i literally preferred practicing our dance routine over and over instead of freeze dance. it was just stressful and embarrassing for me instead of fun. also, my skills are skills, but only in specific conditions. like i could be a five star chef cooking in my own kitchen in my own home, but the second you ask me to cook in someone else’s home, i manage to fuck up something as simple as scrambled eggs.

- fear of being perceived - this is more of a result of my own childhood trauma (parent-related, but could also likely be related to experiences with ableist people). i didn’t realize it until i got older, but over the years, i started to take less and less space up. i kept my head down, never talked, never looked at people. it was just easier to stay out of people’s way to avoid doing anything wrong. my entire existence feels wrong sometimes. and i’m sure a lot of you can relate to this: when i was in school and people would ask me what superpower i wish i had, i always wished to be invisible. bc that way, i’d have the freedom and comfort of being myself without anybody judging me or making me feel bad about it. also, this kinda ties in with the skill regression thing but i might have a skill, but the second someone i am not comfortable with (or unfortunately, sometimes even people i am comfortable with) is watching me, my skills go out the window. i can only do things well by myself and with people i genuinely trust. this makes proving myself competent a nightmare because almost everyone around me assumes i mess up every single time.

anyways these are just a few out of many things i’ve resonated with when researching autism. i strongly feel like i have it. yk how some people see autism and adhd as a quirky personality trait? they see one symptom and automatically assume they’re neurodivergent? i remember reading up on autism for the first time and a little lightbulb went off in my head, but if anything, i tried to repress and deny it. for months, i tried convincing myself i didn’t have it. now, almost two years later, i’ve accepted that i probably have autism. but i haven’t coped with it. i still yearn for the life i could’ve had.

i’ve considered getting properly diagnosed, but i think a part of me doesn’t want to. you’d think that explaining you have a mental disability would help people be more understanding, but unfortunately sometimes it leads to even more discrimination and conflict. i’ve heard so many autistic people talk about how people treated them worse or cut them off after they explained they had autism. or even worse, they could never find jobs and stuff bc nobody wanted to hire or accommodate to a disabled person. if i get diagnosed, i feel like it’ll be too real, yk? and idk if i could handle that. i’m already struggling just speculating that i have autism. but if i officially find out i do, i feel like it might make things way harder on me (mentally on myself, but also in situations that i kinda have to be in - such as getting a job).

i guess i’m just wondering - for those of you that have autism, does it ever get better?? and no, i don’t mean “can i cure my autism?” i know it’s not something that can be cured. it’s quite literally how our brains function. i’m wondering does that painful and lonely feeling ever get better? although i can’t change the way my brain is wired, can’t i learn how to be better in certain social situations or better adapt to spontaneous environments to be more accepted? not in like a masking way, but in more of accommodating-to-myself-and-teaching-myself-in-a-way-that-makes-sense-to-me-so-i-can-genuinely-come-off-as-somewhat-more-natural-to-the-rest-of-society way??

i just feel like i don’t truly belong anywhere, even around the people i trust most and it is the most heartbreaking and infuriating feeling ever. is there anything that you did that helped you out or made you feel better?? what are the biggest pieces of advice you’d give to someone struggling with autism??

and it doesn’t help that so many people are ableist. this is actually another thing that i forgot to add to my list, but a strong sense of justice. i know discrimination and stuff is kinda just how the world works. “life is unfair” is something i heard growing up all the time. but it’s like why?? why do we just have to sit there and deal with that?? obviously the world can’t be perfect, but why are WE constantly blamed and ridiculed for things we can’t control while the ableist ones are let off the hook bc “that’s just the way things are”?? i can’t control having autism, but people can sure control whether they’re being ignorant assholes or not

sorry that got really long. this is something that has been on my mind on and off for a while and it feels nice to kinda get it off my chest, even if it’s to a bunch of strangers online

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