r/autism • u/HeebieJeebiex • 6h ago
Vent Advice Wanted I don't understand the appeal of gambling, drinking, or sleeping with strangers..is this because I'm autistic?
WARNING ⚠️ 18+ topics mentioned ⚠️
People seem to promote and even suggest this stuff like it's normal and to me it all just seems like depraved buffoonery and I see no appeal in literally destroying my life. Alcohol tastes disgusting and makes me feel like shit. Gambling is just depressing, you're just surrounded by seriously desperate fucked up people who clearly have problems, and you're losing money for really no reason. At least at chuck e cheese when you're a kid you win a prize. What is the point of an arcade concept where u basically only lose and feel bad? Don't care for it. I've never gone willingly, I've only been dragged there because my mom thinks it's the most fun an adult can have, I just don't see it. I think it's boring as fuck. And wreckless intimacy??? Hell no!!! I think maybe I'm demisexual tho so idk but I cannot imagine sharing my body with some rando. I mean, I'm engaged and I've been with my partner nearly a decade so I guess I wouldn't know but some jerk on Reddit just suggested to me that I should go out and have some sex with some strangers and stop being so "uptight" (not knowing I'm engaged ofc) and like...hell no! Why would I wanna be used up and risk unwanted pregnancy with a stranger who's gonna not be there? All this sounds like horrible shit to me but two people on this app just suggested it to me because I said it's wrong and abusive to drink alcohol around your kids. They seem to think I'm insane.
Why do people struggle to give up these lifestyles? And why do they think they're awesome? This is all stuff that school and grandma always tell you not to do because they'll literally destroy your life.
Is it because of the fact I'm autistic that I feel this way or am I seriously just upright?
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u/Medical-Net-7350 ASD Level 2/1 | Semiverbal 5h ago
I agree with not getting the appeal. I can’t stand alcohol. However many wouldn’t be able to understand the appeal I have to my interests. I don’t have to understand it to know it can provide people entertainment or comfort.
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u/finalgirlilla 4h ago
‘Schools and grandmas tell you not to do this because it ruin your life’- that’s only if you misuse it. Those people saying that I guarantee have gambled/drunk/had one night stands etc and their lives obviously haven’t been ruined, so they don’t mean literally NEVER touch it. Like anything; too much of something can be a bad thing. These are just told to younger people growing up so they are scared into not going overboard when they inevitably partake. Cuz they’re assuming you will inevitably do this stuff.
Me personally- I don’t sleep around but I do drink/hookup(makeout). Tbh I also don’t rlly gaf abt gambling so I just don’t do it. You don’t ever have to do this stuff but it’s not gonna kill you if you try it out sometimes, I think that’s what they mean.
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u/No-Spare1328 AuDHD 5h ago
I have AuDHD so I used to constantly chase the dopamine I got from those things. I'm medicated now and am doing well otherwise.
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u/Lotuselise230 4h ago
“Be used up”???? What??? Slut shaming is gross.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 4h ago
If someone derives shame from that, that's on them. I'm only saying it how I see it from my own perspective.
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u/Lotuselise230 4h ago
Nah you are actively shaming people for no reason. Why can’t you just mind your business? If you don’t want to have sex with strangers, then simply don’t. But why do you care so much about how other people have sex? Step on off your high horse. You’re not better than anyone who has a lot of sex or who drinks or who gambles.
Edited to add: sex doesn’t use people up. That’s just weird purity culture bullshit.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 4h ago
I don't really see how I am shaming people. I feel like it's known information that the things I listed are seen as really risky behaviour.
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u/Lotuselise230 4h ago
YOU are using language meant to shame people. Your rhetoric is telling people they should feel shame. Thankfully, I don’t receive any of that shame. I healed from that shit years ago when I left Christianity.
Risk ≠ wrong/bad/immoral. You engage in other risky behaviors. We all takes risks every day. Some people engage in the behaviors you listed in very responsible ways that mitigate risk so as to make them not dangerous. Addiction is destructive, but there are plenty of people who drink, have sex, and gamble without any addiction to those things. You have a very narrow view of the world.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 4h ago
What language am I using that shames people?
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u/Lotuselise230 4h ago
Man, it’s summer break. I don’t feel like doing a rhetoric lecture during my time off. If you can’t see the judgment throughout everything you’ve written here, I honestly don’t know how to make you see it. It’s clear from your language that you think VERY little of people who drink, have casual sex, and gamble. Just read back through your post but replace drinking, gambling, and having sex with playing contact sports, driving a car, and owning guns idk. Sub in other risky behaviors that you don’t see as morally reprehensible and then tell me your language isn’t judgmental and aiming to cause shame.
Again, you are not a better person than anyone who does these things just because you don’t do them.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 4h ago
If you're underaged and in school I don't think you should be engaging with this post 😅 please be cautious online
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u/Lotuselise230 4h ago
I’m a professor wtf are you talking about
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u/HeebieJeebiex 3h ago
Oh haha okay, my mistake. When you mentioned summer break, I assumed you might be a student. Well, unfortunately I cannot see your perspective. I guess we will have to agree to disagree.
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u/IllaClodia 3h ago
And how you see it is that it is okay to say nasty things about people who make different choices than you. And how I see it is that your views on sex are puritanical and based on emotion and outdated mores rather than actual facts.
I feel no shame about my choices, past or present. But your language about it is judgmental and, frankly, offensive. I am not "used up" or being "very risky" because I enjoy casual sex in safer environments with protection. I am a full, entire person. I don't judge you for not enjoying casual sex. Please extend the same courtesy to me.
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u/busigirl21 1h ago
Do you think there's some finite limit on the number of times a person can have sex in their life? If you do, you don't understand biology, and if you don't, you're using sexist, inaccurate language for absolutely no reason. You are not "pure" while others are "used up." Your language about how it's on them if they find it shameful (as if you were stating a fact) is wildly passive aggressive as well.
Would you like it if someone said deeply hurtful and untrue things about you only to add "well if you don't like that, it's on you, that's just how I see it from my perspective?" I'm sure you wouldn't. Saying that you don't care and how your words make others feel says a lot more about you than the people you're shitting on.
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u/wierdling Aspie/ASD Level 1 5h ago
You aren't better for this opinion. You seem to think that, at least a little. Sure you're taking less risk but that's also less for you to enjoy in the world. Like many things, not better or worse. But yeah I don't really like to drink or gamble either. Not fun for me.
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u/Lotuselise230 4h ago
Exactly! Not doing those things is perfectly fine. But the judgment in OP’s post and comments is LOUD.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 3h ago
I don't think I am better than anyone, I actually hate myself. 👍 If it makes u feel any better to know that. But yea I guess I am proud and I think I am making better choices than a lot of people seem to. Still, I don't think that engaging with this stuff makes you a bad person. Obviously like I said, it's popular, and makes you a pretty normal/average person. But from my understanding, they're all pretty negative and unhealthy.
As long as a person lives there's always time to make changes. Plenty of people who struggle with addictions and unhealthy coping mechanisms are able to turn their lives around. It's never too late to change the choices you make.
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u/IllaClodia 3h ago
"Used up" is a reaaaaaaally judgmental phrase. Nothing gets used up in your body during sex. People who have a lot of sex aren't less than, and nothing is taken away by their doing so. Plenty of people do actually enjoy the taste of alcohol and can drink in moderation. Assuming that people need to make the same choices as you to be healthy is where it sounds like you think you are better than other people.
Your preferences are not inherently autistic. The black and white thinking about your choices is maybe.
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u/Blue-Jay27 ASD Level 2 5h ago
I'm autistic and I enjoy drinking and sleeping with strangers ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I'm not rly into gambling, but I def don't feel as strongly about it as you do.
I do think you should learn to let other people enjoy different things to you without calling it "depraved buffoonery", saying that people who do enjoy hookups are "used up", or suggesting that someone is an abusive parent for having a glass of wine at dinner. That aspect does seem like it might be related to autism, as it can be a kind of rigid/black and white thinking.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 5h ago
Well, doing things that actively destroy your life seems like buffoonery to me lol I don't really know how else to put it. What are the net benefits of being promiscuous beyond instant gratification? Seems like extreme risk for minimal reward. And you're only bringing shame onto yourself. You're mad about me saying "used up" but if that's a concept that bothers you so deeply and you clearly feel shame about doing it..why do you continue? I didn't make you do it. It's maybe not the most eloquent way of putting it, I don't really know if there is one, but that's basically just me describing it as it is. If the idea of being called any of the terms like slut or hoe or whatever bothers you so deeply, why would you act in a way that fits the description of those terms? Shouldn't guilt/shame be a sign to maybe like...not do that? Also, part of being a parent is being selfless and having to do things you don't wanna do and also give up things that you used to do before when you weren't a parent. If you can't wait until your kid is asleep or at Grandma's house to start drinking, or you would rather bring your kid with you to the bar instead of hiring a babysitter, you suck and clearly have zero self control or restraint. It's irresponsible.
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u/kaybody 5h ago
People can engage in these practices in moderation and with safety precautions. Human beings cannot be “used up” like objects. It’s okay to not engage in certain behaviors yourself but shaming and judging others is icky. Why are you so heated about it anyway?
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u/HeebieJeebiex 5h ago
I'm not heated at all? I'm actually in a good mood lol. I was just answering what they said. 🤨
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u/Blue-Jay27 ASD Level 2 5h ago
What, exactly, is the "extreme risk" associated with sleeping with strangers? I use protection, I was even on PrEP when I was still sleeping with men. And why would I be guilty or ashamed? I'm having consensual fun with other adults. It's not inherently more shameful than, idk, going rock climbing with a stranger. I'm upset about being called "used up" because it very blatantly indicates that you think I have less value or smth. Call me promiscuous, call me a slut even, but don't act like you're worth more than me for having different preferences.
And do you truly see no difference between "Dad's having a glass of wine with dinner, because he made steak for the family and thinks that it tastes better paired with a Merlot" and "Dad's taking the kids to the bar so that he can get piss drunk because he's an alcoholic and can't be fucked to get a babysitter"? Like you truly genuinely think the first one is abuse??
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u/HeebieJeebiex 5h ago
Std, unwanted pregnancy, being hurt/rped/coerced into acts you otherwise wouldn't have agreed to. If you're not guilty or ashamed then do as you wish if it makes u happy bro. I'm just saying people that *are probably should stop then, you shouldn't do things that only provide gratification but are an ongoing heavy problem in your life that make you feel bad about yourself. No? Idk. 🤷 That's what I think anyways.
I'm not even going to comment on the rest because it seriously upsets me that you think it's normal to use inebriating substances in front of children or bring them into bars.
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u/Blue-Jay27 ASD Level 2 4h ago
Std
I have my HPV vaccine, I test regularly, and I have no reason to believe the risk of long-term harm is different than the risk from picking up the flu or covid in a crowded place.
unwanted pregnancy
There are some incredibly effective birth control methods. Highly recommend lesbianism, but an iud is a close second lol
being hurt/r*ped/coerced into acts you otherwise wouldn't have agreed to
Not unique to sex. The risk of someone hurting you is a risk inherent to existing around people. Plenty of ways to mitigate it, though.
Ultimately, though, you don't really care about the risk. Not unless you're going to claim that you think motorcyclists are "used up" and bringing shame onto themselves as well.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 4h ago
Well you are mistaken then and should really be careful. Some jerk could hide the fact they have an std from you and genuinely put your life/wellbeing in danger. They could have something like Aids, Syphilis or HPV. When you engage in sex with strangers, and frequently, you put yourself at immediate risk for this kind of harm. And it is a lot more serious than just catching "the flu". Luckily, if you're a lesbian, you're safe then from the pregnancy risk lol. But many people are not. And this concern wouldve applied if you were a guy as well. Men risking knocking up women they do not know can be a real problem that can potentially change the course of their life forever. And you're right, just being around people puts you at risk for being hurt in general, but the risk is a lot higher when you are unclothed and in a highly vulnerable exposed situation, likely alone with them as well. If the whole "used up" thing didn't bother you, I don't think you'd bring it up twice. So, I again have to ask, why are you choosing to act in a way that brings you shame? Is it really worth the short term joy, for the dread you seem to feel about being perceived a certain way? Why act in a manner in which you don't want society to perceive you? If I thought being called an artist was really hurtful and frustrating, and felt a need to defend myself every time anyone said I'm an artist, why would I then make paintings regularly in my free time? That doesn't make much sense.
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u/BootSkrootMcNoot ASD Level 1 | Verbal 4h ago
I strongly disagree with your point about shame. I am ashamed of my interests, I am ashamed of my disabilities, I am ashamed of my sexuality… the list goes on. If I stopped pursuing my interests due to shame, I certainly wouldn’t be in a better place right now. Are you also against stimming? I feel a deep shame about that, despite the short term joy it provides. You ask “Why act in a way in which you don’t want society to perceive you?”, I say that it’s because pushing past societal expectations is the only way to find happiness or to make progress. Your comparison to being an artist is illogical/wrong. It’s not that she feels an inherent shame about being referred to in this way (like feeling hurt that you got called an artist). It’s that people are intentionally making women feel inferior due to having sex. Instead of the term “artist”, imagine they called you a “waste of space with no real job”. Of course being called that would make you feel like shit. But you shouldn’t let the haters stop you from making art, right?
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u/HeebieJeebiex 4h ago
Okay but your sexuality and the fact you are disabled are not deliberate choices you willingly make every day. They are unchanging facts about you. Sex is, ideally, something people choose to do. So if they're gonna do that then fine but shouldn't they feel proud then? If they feel badly about it, what's the point?
Also, I have been called a waste of space with no job lol. So..then I went and got a job. Now, I know that label isn't accurate anymore. There's some things we cannot change. Plenty of things we can.
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u/BootSkrootMcNoot ASD Level 1 | Verbal 3h ago
Sorry if I wasn’t clear, I meant if people called the artist a waste of space with no real job. Lots of people don’t see it as being a real job.
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u/Blue-Jay27 ASD Level 2 4h ago
And someone could also go to a party knowing full well that they have covid ¯_(ツ)_/¯ Gotta say, Covid's killed more people in my country this decade than AIDS or syphilis by far.
So, I again have to ask, why are you choosing to act in a way that brings you shame?
Because it doesn't. Maybe you have a bunch if shame around sex, but I do not.
Is it really worth the short term joy, for the dread you seem to feel about being perceived a certain way?
Goodness, that's quite a leap from "Hey, don't say that you're worth more than me" to assuming that I have some sort of dread around the whole thing.
I have long since decided not to give a fuck about people who think they're better than me because of what I do in the bedroom. I initially decided that in relation to being queer, but I dont mind extrapolating to casual sex either.
Why act in a manner in which you don't want society to perceive you?
I don't care if I'm seen as promiscuous. I've never said I do. You deciding that being promiscuous makes me somehow inferior to you is the problem. I don't like people treating me as inferior for making choices about my body that they don't like - and I really don't think the solution is to let all judgemental people decide what I get to do in my personal life.
If I thought being called an artist was really hurtful and frustrating, and felt a need to defend myself every time anyone said I'm an artist, why would I then make paintings regularly in my free time?
See previous answer. In this metaphor, you didn't call me an artist. You said that painting was depraved and shameful, and insisted that artists are used up and taking extreme risks. (I mean, some paints are quite toxic, and don't get me started on the fire danger of oil paints...)
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u/GoalApprehensive3201 1h ago
When I read your original post, I thought “oh another person with neurodivergence that sees the world differently than some others, recognizes it, and is asking for clarity” like as a neurodivergent person myself, I totally understand feeling like there’s something I must not be understanding but I can’t be sure what it is / why it happens. But people are offering you clarity and pretty politely pointing out that autism can be associated with black and white thinking… but you’re responding with even harsher and more offensive black and white thinking.
Terms like “used up” “slut” convey a certain framing of sexuality as being limited to what the person using the term deems to be more than an “acceptable” amount of sexual activity/history and that if they’ve reached that level, they perceive there to be something fundamentally wrong with the person. They are no longer pure, good, attractive, or worthy from that persons POV. If someone tells me I’m not worthy or that I’m less than because of choices I’ve made that I don’t believe are wrong, it can still hurt. It feels like rejection and can CAUSE shame where none existed prior. It calls my choices into question, as I like most people have insecurities (mine include my intelligence, disabilities, appearance, worthiness of being loved and accepted) where I may have felt totally cool with them otherwise.
Instant gratification is a societal issue imo. More than ever in human history, we have access to information, goods, and services at the touch of our fingertips. This can manifest maladaptively in many ways from person to person, since we each have unique backgrounds, identities, experiences… which include substance/gambling misuse and risky sexual behavior. I’m sure there’s something in your life that you do that isn’t healthy. You just frame it differently.
I drink, but not often and not in large amounts. I don’t like the taste of straight liquor (except a well crafted and aged tequila), but I view craft cocktails and winemaking as an artform and enjoy a light buzz in occasional social settings. I have spent the majority of my working experience in an upscale casino steakhouse. I have watched many coworkers gamble away a good night’s tips and decided that I wasn’t gonna allow myself to do it because there does seem to be an allure that I don’t understand… and I don’t want to learn what it is. I’ve tried sleeping around, but I did feel shame, so I don’t anymore. But I have many friends that sleep around and have a great time, never catch STD’s (or if they do, you pop a pill for a lot of the most common ones and ~voila~ you’re good to go. The serious ones are very treatable and people can live long, happy lives). Do I understand it? No, not really. But I think about the “mistakes” I’ve made and I realize that no matter how painful or problematic they were, I usually learned some really valuable lessons in the process that made me a better person and led me to the people in my life today. We are all on our own unique journeys with successes, failures, strengths, and limitations.
And just because it doesn’t look fun to you doesn’t mean it is bad for them. You aren’t the authority on the choices people make (:
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u/wierdling Aspie/ASD Level 1 5h ago
Gratification? That's plenty reason enough. What are we in the world for? The persuit of pleasure and aiding others in it is a worthy persuit in my opinion. Maybe even the most worthy persuit. I mean why not.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 5h ago
If you say so 🤷
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u/wierdling Aspie/ASD Level 1 4h ago
What do you think people should persue?
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u/HeebieJeebiex 4h ago
I just think there's more low risk ways to enjoy life, completely soberly and without high promiscuity. Genuine deep love and intimacy, with friends, family, or ofc a romantic partner. Also, just other hobbies. There's endless hobbies. Fishing, knitting, baking, literally whatever, all types of things that don't typically end up with dire life ruining consequences or make people feel badly about themselves. My life is completely fulfilled without all the things I listed in the post. And I feel like anyone can, if they even tried. I have never met or encountered someone who does all the stuff I mentioned without there always being a negative outcome. And it's pretty rare that any of these things drastically improving anybodies life.
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u/IllaClodia 3h ago
Sex also doesn't typically end up with dire life consequences. I have slept with dozens of people, and they ones who hurt or coerced me the most were ones I was actively dating for a few months. My one offs have been way respectful, overall. Each individual hookup doesn't drastically improve my life, just like no one loaf of bread improves a baker's life. But the autonomy, connection, community, and pleasure I've gained? Priceless.
I have met probably hundreds of people who do all the stuff you mentioned and are solid, well-adjusted people. So your sample is either skewed, or you have intense confirmation bias happening.
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u/GigiLaRousse 6h ago
Some people struggle to give up those things because they have addictions to them.
Others don't want to give them up because they find them fun and they don't have a negative impact on their life. I buy a lotto ticket once a year. I have a cocktail once a month. It's wonderful to try a combination of flavours I've never had and don't have the skills and ingredients to replicate at home. I smoke pot about that often in the summer. I had lots of casual sex with men and women before I met my husband (actually, that was how I met my husband). Life is short, and these things bring pleasure.
Your choices sound like great choices for you, but that doesn't mean everyone else needs to do the same.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 5h ago
How exactly do/did these things make you happy though? Don't you ever feel a sense of shame/guilt about the sex stuff..? I know that's a touchy topic but I genuinely just want to understand it all. Does it just give you a sense of belonging or are these things actually fun?
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u/GigiLaRousse 5h ago
Nope! Zero shame or guilt. Why would I?
Does eating a new food that turns out to be delicious or having an old favourite not feel good to you? What does feel good to you? It's probably just like that. Or do you only do the things you like to fit in?
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u/HeebieJeebiex 5h ago
I feel like sex is a lot more risky than eating food 😅 I think we have very different opinions on sex altogether that I will never fathom
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u/Cold-Independence556 3h ago
What kind of puritanical society did you get raised in to think sex is SHAMEFUL???
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u/TheDarkBrotherhood7 3h ago
No, it’s because you’re just a person who doesn’t like those things. I’m not a fan of your view on people who have a lot of sex though, humans aren’t objects that can be ‘used up’. Having sex is a choice people make because they like it. It makes no difference if it’s multiple people or having sex multiple times with one partner. Your language throughout your comments about this is very derogatory too. You just don’t like these things, and that’s completely fine because it’s your choice. Though the second you look down on someone for their sex life, it’s less of an opinion and more that you’re being a bit of an ass
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u/Rod_McBan 5h ago
Both, tbh.
The "autistic sense of justice" thing can be really unforgiving, and what we consider as "just" is of course colored by our upbringing, community norms, life experience, etc. Just as an example, your contention that drinking around kids is abusive is very black and white, and absolute. Both of those are things autistic people are often criticized for (god knows I've heard it enough times). So, yeah, that's because you're autistic.
The position of your "lines" that you hate seeing crossed is (imo, what do I know) a little to the "upright" end of the "permissive/uptight" spectrum. But it may be very common where you live, or your life experiences have given you strong distaste for things I have a more permissive take on.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 5h ago
Yea in my life, I have only ever seen the things I described ruin people's lives. Never seen or heard of this stuff improving anybody's life, beyond the instant gratification they may feel when they're doing it. In the end, the consequences are always negative. I just can't understand willingly subjecting yourself to that. I mean, even just the shame aspect. Someone in the replies didn't like me saying that hooking up with a bunch of strangers would make you "used up". Wether or not the phrasing is offensive is neither here nor there, I don't think there's really a nice way to say it, but if the idea of being described that way brings a person pain and shame and makes them feel really hurt...why would they act in a way that would lead them to be described that way, in the first place?? I get being really offended and heartbroken if you're not someone who fits that description or even worse if you were SA'd and somebody calls you that sorta thing. Obviously that's fricken horrible! But if you genuinely match the description of hoe and enjoy sleeping around with a bunch of people regularly, I don't really know man. If being called a hoe bothers you, don't be one. 😭💔 I try my best to act accordingly with how I wanna be perceived in life. It doesn't always work or change how people perceive me, like I might still be called lazy even if I work hard, but at least I get to know that what they're saying isn't true because I act accordingly.
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u/BootSkrootMcNoot ASD Level 1 | Verbal 4h ago
“If being called a hoe bothers you, don’t be one”. Wtf? Can you imagine saying that about any other offensive term?! “If being called a f*ggot bothers you, don’t be one”.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 4h ago
Bring gay is a fact about somebody that they are born with and literally cannot change. Sex is an activity people choose to do and they can stop at any time or choose to have as much or as little as they want. I thought hoe is reclaimed now and people call themselves that?
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u/storm-waltz ASD Level 1/2 | Verbal 2h ago
black people have reclaimed the n word but you're not going around calling them that are you?
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u/NotDD101 4h ago
The issue here is that being a "hoe" isn't inherit a bad thing, some times people just like to have fun. Also sleeping with strangers does not inheritly have consequences at least not more than having sex in general. Stds, unwanted pregnancy, SA are all things that happen in committed relationships hell the last two are statistically just as likely to happen in a committed relationship. The reason why that person is upset isn't because they think being a "slut" or whatever is bad it's that you perceive it as a bad thing as so look down at them for it but there's shouldn't be an weight but on someone for the things that they enjoy that doesn't hurt anyone. It's like if you enjoy eating fast food every now and again and somebody insulting called you fat and other things like that. But there's nothing inherit wrong for liking fast food, hell depending on the person being fat isn't even a bad thing either but it is wrong to make negative presumption on a person based on a morally neutral thing.
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u/Adventurous-Till2924 4h ago
I think you seem to be taking these to the extreme, seeing the damage that they can cause, and then asking why people want to do it. You can gamble, drink, and have sex with strangers in moderation and with proper precautions and still have a lot of fun. Yes, some people will take it too far and hurt themselves and potentially others, but that can be said of almost anything pleasurable, like food or video games for example.
I drink, gamble, and have sex with strangers. I also enjoy rock climbing, and with rock climbing I know the risks that can be involved in the activity, and so I make sure to minimize those risks as much as possible. I go with people, I double-check my equipment, etc. I can gamble and drink and have sex all within safe limits or with the correct precautions (designated drivers, condoms, etc.) and still have a great time, and trust me I do.
You seem to have a fairly negative view of these things. I've had sex with probably a dozen or so different people, and I'm not any more "used up" than when I only had sex with one person. This kind of very black and white thinking can be common in autistic people, and I think it's that kind of thinking combined with some pre-conceived biases that may make you have a hard time understanding why people enjoy stuff you see as dangerous.
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u/Business-Block-8668 ASD Level 1 | Verbal 6h ago
I am demisexual and graysexual (a-spec), so I don’t really have an urge to have sex. I’m also introverted.
Personally, I feel people overhype these adult things. I don’t care if people do them. I just don’t really see the appeal, but then again, that’s just me.
As long as people aren’t overdoing these things to the point where they’re harming themselves or others, I don’t really care.
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u/Mech_pencils 5h ago
I’ve struggled with connecting with NTs over common life experiences all my life, but I’ve never felt like gambling, drinking, and having risky sex are things that are hard to understand. In fact I’ve met and heard about quite a few of autistic people struggling with these habits.
Drinking and substance use: for some people doing these things literally make their anxiety and pain go away, and give them an additional feeling of euphoria or relaxation. It’s not hard to imagine how a traumatized or sensory-seeking person might get addicted to the effects of mind-altering substances. To some people being in their own headspace is excruciatingly unpleasant (or just plain boring), so they welcome substances that relive their suffering. And after a while your drinking habit or drug habit becomes a kind of dependence that’s both emotional and physical. It’s very hard for a human being to overcome this kind of dependence.
Gambling: pretty much like drinking and other substance abuse. Honestly just imagine doing so gives you the kind of intense captivating feeling that many autistic people get from their special interests. Sometimes there’s also a kind of catharsis that feels like all your anxiety and dread leaving your body.
There’s a whole world of scientific research written on these topics. Many people, including autistic people, have suffered unimaginably from substance abuse and gambling addiction, and generations of scientists and doctors have spent their careers trying to help them. My suggestion to you is to always remember that when you talk about drinking, gambling addiction, and reckless sexual behaviors, you are talking about real human suffering, and that people involved in these behaviors often fight losing battles against factors that are outside of their control (some people are wired to be more addiction-prone than you are, others developed unhealthy coping mechanisms because of their trauma or neurodivergence).
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u/Best_Author7356 4h ago
nope, i love gambling and drinking and im autist level 2
this is definitely not because of autism
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u/meyoutwothree 4h ago
I get not understanding the appeal, it's the superiority complex about it that is a bit worrisome. Having an opinion with such a strong sense of justice can have you misconstrue a situation. I may not like or understand what others are doing but I know it's my autism causing it. Just because my opinions differ from others doesnt automatically make them buffoons, especially if their lives arent being messed up and they arent hurting anyone. Random sex i dont do it but Mary Sue and Tom down the street being consenting adults about isnt really something I care about, have fun. They arent objects to where they can be used up but they are simply humans in a messed up society looking for connections to others even if its for a few minutes and is also gratifying. Gambling, hate it because my parents lost everything more than once but someone who knows their boundaries and do it in moderation isnt hurting anyone. Sometimes there is a pay off sometimes there isnt just like many other things in life. Alcohol, my dad scalped himself being an alcoholic but when I see someone at dinner with a cocktail I dont look i disgust and automatically think that person is inherently bad for it. Not everyone takes things to extremes and warrant being degraded and chastised. When I was younger it was hard not to get pulled into my strong sense of justice but ultimately had to learn it's really none of my business to try to change how others feel and live. I just simply stay away from what I dont care for instead of trying to make them fit in my black and white box of right and wrong. I understand that I see the world differently because I am different and thats what helps me deal better in a society where I can not grasp their most basic of concepts.
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u/moonandsunandstars 4h ago
Tbh a lot of what you are saying seems more driven by toxic purity culture than autism. Granted autism is also often partially defined by black and white thinking so that may be attributing to it.
It's absolutely not abusive to drink (responsibly) in front of children. You are 1000% misusing that word. Now if you get drunk and beat your kid, yeah. That's abusive (though is it really because of the alcohol or because they're a bad person to begin with?). If you drunk drive them home? Yeah. That's also not good parenting. But them seeing you having a glass of wine at dinner is not going to traumatize them.
Also, having sex does not make one "used up", humans are not napkins or gum or roses or toys you buy at a second hand store. It's fine to have responsible sex with several people (i.e. using protection and getting checked for stds), it's fine to have sex with one person, it's fine to never have sex. No amount of sex makes someone better or worse and tbh as a society we need to stop acting like one group of people is better than the others.
As for the gambling, I don't get it either. That said I also think golf is a waste of money and if I was given money that I could only spend on gambling or golf I'd probably go gambling because at least maybe (though I doubt it) I'd get something back. Golfing would (in my opinion) just be a miserable waste of an entire day.
Moral of the story; sex, drinking, and drugs are all a grey area. They are not always 100% bad and will lead to certain ruin, they are not always 100% good and lead to certain pleasure. People can get addicted to them and that is sad yes, but people can also get addicted to any number of things. Even things that are seen as typically "good" in society. Grey areas can be uncomfortable, but they are everywhere in life. Save for the extremes, participating in most things does not make a person inherently better or worse than another person.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 4h ago
I was surrounded by alcoholics in my childhood and have cptsd from the abuse and violence and insanity I experienced. I was driven home by drunk people, who should not have been behind the wheel, and my mom would frequently become mean hateful and angry whenever she was drunk. I also had to bail my mom out rather recently because her husband is addicted to gambling and gambled away ALL their money and she wasn't able to pay her mortgage because of it. She now has no savings left for retirement, thanks to him gambling. He still continues to do it btw.
Needless to say, I have better reasons than purity culture to see some things how I do.
The sex stuff, I'm just confused because people seem to feel shame about it but then do it anyways and they're just wrecking their life by putting themselves in a position to feel bad in the first place. And also just don't understand putting yourself at risk to have a kid you don't want or get a disease or get hurt.
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u/Ok-Basket-2692 4h ago
See i have just enough adhd in my autism those all sound appealing but in safety and extreme moderation 🤣🤣🤣
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u/PhoenixQueen_Azula 4h ago
I hate alcohol, but weed hits me in all the ways that apparently alcohol does for others
Yk, besides also making me hit things
Gambling idk, I’ve been broke my whole life why would I bother gambling my 2 bucks so idk. I’ve started playing the lottery occasionally after never doing it so I guess you could say I’m a bit of a high roller now
Sex is nice. Most people really enjoy it, and for those of us who haven’t been in a relationship for ages we don’t exactly have a lot of options. Of course it’s better with a loving partner, but those are really hard to find and take time to build. As an autistic male casual sex isn’t much easier to find lmao, but I understand the appeal for sure
I grew up in the Bible Belt with the abstinence only “have sex and you’ll get pregnant and aids” sexual “education”, so I think I also have some of that anxiety with it, but it’s really not that risky. Wear a condom and there’s an extremely low chance of anything. More risk for women though certainly, but sex is still like the most basic instinctual desire alongside hunger, don’t underestimate how much people want it or what they’ll do or risk for it. Ideally there would be options if something did still happen but…
Now the few opportunities I have had for casual sex haven’t exactly gone great, I’d like to do it but I am simply not comfortable enough to perform with someone I’m not closer to which is a bummer. Gonna blame it on crippling insecurity and self confidence issues since I was like 10
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u/TryingToBreath45 1h ago
Having sex with random strangers isn't unhealthy, so long as you take precautions (i've slept with hundreds of random strangers - and never had an STI). And was huge fun.
Gambling, is great fun too.
They are both only unhealthy if done addictively and out of personal control.
Drinking, I don't personally enjoy and this is one that the evidence does show causes physical harm to the body even in small amounts, but the risks I believe for light drinking are pretty low.
Why do you eat food you enjoy, engage in your interests, etc. Its exactly the same. These things bring other people pleasure.
Re why do people engage in risky behaviours that have a high chance of causing them harm - adrenaline sports, large bets they can't afford to lose, taking certain drugs. Or get addicted. Because the hormones involved in these behaviours give amazing feels.
Autistic people often have much lower experience of these hormones etc so just don't experience the highs. Or our brains can switch off the desire.
Its all in the brain wiring.
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u/TryingToBreath45 1h ago
Also re your comment 'used up'. Can you back up with evidence what makes a person 'used up' due to them having sex with lots of people.
Also it appears you are using that term in a negative connotation or insult, so just checking that's your intent? If not, what is the intent of using it?
And if you consider the words 'used up' are acceptable to use, why is it that someone calling you 'uptight' is upsetting to you (my take on your comment re being called uptight is that you took it as an insult).
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u/LotusBlooming90 4h ago
I think you’re experiencing some black and white thinking. These things aren’t always done to excess, some people partake very moderately or rarely in them and derive joy with little to no negative repercussions. So the black and white thinking would be that because these things can go bad they are bad in every context for every person.
The drinking in front of kids thing is a super bizarre take for me personally. I only drink like once a year but I don’t see having an occasional glass of wine with dinner around children as abusive in any way. That is extreme black and white thinking.
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u/Viatoriix ASD Level 2 | MSN | Semiverbal 3h ago
The way you choose to speak in this post comes across like you do have some level of thinking that you are superior for not wanting to do these things, even if it's subconsciously. You are being a little uptight.
There are safe ways to have hookups, and there's nothing morally wrong with having sex with strangers. STD prevention (through testing and condoms) and contraceptives (preferably two forms but when condoms are used properly they have basically no failures) can prevent almost all associated risks. Also, the phrasing of "used up" is giving misogyny and/or purity culture, women or people who have sex with multiple partners, have had a lot of sex, etc. are not "used up".
Gambling is actually an exceptionally common addiction for neurodivergent people AFAIK, it's a huge dopamine hit when you win, and you can fall into it even thinking it's stupid. I know people who would never gamble at a casino, but play gacha games day and night and have blown all their money on them. Alcohol is fun and good in moderation, but is very addictive especially when you're already in a rough spot because it makes the bad things feel less bad for some people, and a lot of autistic people actually describe it lessening their more disruptive symptoms or anxiety about their symptoms.
Your black and white thinking on these topics could very well be a symptom of autism, it's in the criteria for a reason, but even if it is a symptom it doesn't excuse talking about these things in a manner that is putting down people who do them. Addicts deserve help, and things like gambling and alcohol aren't inherently bad in moderation.
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u/Aggressive-Mood-50 5h ago
No this is pretty normal. I spent my time listening to music and getting fast food and thrifting in my younger days.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 5h ago
Okay thank goodness. Because people seriously frame it as if I'm missing out on some fruits of life. And all major religions have to tell people "don't do this stuff!!!" And it makes me seriously wonder how everyone else is so addicted to and obsessed with these things that they're even written down as sins and stuff like it's this sorta temptation you gotta really try to stop. Like huh? (Well maybe that's not how sins work cause hopefully nobody actually has to resist the urge to unalive people and steal on any type of regular basis..or ever..but idk I don't really understand people generally as you can see so maybe that's a thing)
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u/Aggressive-Mood-50 5h ago
Most people are like animals. They avoid pain and seek pleasure.
Some people have learned that casual sex is fun for them. As is drinking, substance abuse, and gambling. And while these things are all “okay” and won’t ruin your life in moderation, a lot of people lack self control. And it can spiral and take over your life pretty easily once your brain chemistry is primed for it.
I’ve only kissed one person (future husband) and while we got to second base before marriage I was staunchly against any sex that could result in pregnancy because I wanted to save that for my husband and birth control can fail. Partially do to a religious upbringing and just my values and beliefs (wouldn’t be able to abort due to my feelings, didn’t want to be in that situation so best not to take the risk).
It all worked out. My bf eventually married me (I’m autistic as shit and have no clue why but he seems to find me amusing and he’s quite endearing as well so it worked out).
A lot of people are just slaves to things. Drugs, booze, sex. Video games, sometimes, but that’s not as serious imo. It stops people from progressing in life and achieving goals when all they are focused on is their next “fix”.
Go outside. Make some food you like. Spend time with people you love. I spent my early 20s hanging out with grandparents and playing sports, and now my grandparents have passed and I have lots of good memories and advice to hang onto.
ALSO- people who say you will be horrible at sed for not “having experience” are half right, but I don’t think that’s a good reason to throw yourself into bed with someone. Everyone’s first time is awkward and a bit scary but when you find the right person it doesn’t matter, because they accept you, all of you, as you are and love you no matter what. You can learn the preferences/sexual practices of a partner and imo long term relationship sex is better than hookup culture. Not shaming anyone just my feelings.
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u/Marguerite_Moonstone 5h ago
I cannot answer the question because I agree and am also mystified. Although someone did once explain the sex thing as thrill of the chase.
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u/HammyHavoc AuDHD 5h ago
Not necessarily. You understand yourself and the world in a way that most people take years to understand.
FWIW, I know people with the 'tism who did all those things to seek validation, who drank to ease inhibition in social situations they simply weren't equipped for, which they shouldn't have put themselves in because they were not good decisions.
My best friend OD'd and was legally dead for a bit a decade ago. He's fine now. He turned it all around, but it took ODing to realize what you already have realized.
Be glad that you don't understand and don't think like that and don't see the appeal in any of it.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 5h ago
Oh wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I'm glad he was able to make changes for himself. It is scary what this sorta stuff can do to people!
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u/HammyHavoc AuDHD 5h ago
I'm just glad he took something away from it and didn't go and do it permanently. The school of hard knocks!
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u/If_you_have_Ghost 3h ago
Do what you like (so long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else) but don’t judge other people for their legit choices. Personally I like drinking and fucking people I’ve never met before. Neither is destroying my life.
I don’t think it’s the autism that makes you dislike these things but it may explain the rigidity of your positions against them.
I have to say, I don’t like the way you wrote this, it’s soaked in judgement. Plenty of people drink, fuck, and gamble responsibly and it doesn’t ruin their lives. In moderation these things are all fine. I think you could do with moderating your judgement somewhat!
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u/cupcake_unicorn1 Autistic Adult 5h ago
Same. Its more of the risk taking aspect or trying new things. Thats what my neuropsych asked me while testing me for it😭
I just call myself demisexual & I just drink blended drinks or jello shots for the sensory input if I drink at all
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u/AdeleRabbit 2h ago
As a kid, I saw people drinking around me quite a lot. In movies and video games, I can tolerate alcohol because I know it's not real. But if I see someone drinking irl, it fills me with terror. Where is the real them? Does it even exist? It completely breaks my trust.
If alcohol made people smarter and have more willpower, it would make sense to me. But that's not the case.
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u/North_Confusion2893 3h ago
Gambling is for people who fail basic pattern recognition. People for whom the anticipation of the chance they might win (1/100) is somehow stronger than the aversion of the chance they fail (99/100)
My grandfather was the type of man to take his paycheck to the horse track every week. The result? His wife and five kids didn't get to buy food some weeks. And on other weeks he ended up with slightly more money, which he immediately drank. Let's do the math. Six people not eating vs one person getting an extra beer or two. Huh, these scales certainly seem to be tilted heavily to the left for some reason.
The fact of the matter is that if bookies, casinos, or other betting companies lost more money than they made on gambling, they wouldn't be in business.
It requires a certain kind of mindset. These are the kind of people who look at the odds, at all the people losing, at all the money being lost, at all the misery gambling causes, and go 'Nah, that wouldn't happen to me. I'm the special guy. I'm the main character.'
And somehow, no matter how many times they lose, they do this every single time. Demonstrating an inability to learn from their mistakes.
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u/HeebieJeebiex 3h ago
Yes! You get what I mean. I am terribly sorry you had to witness this with a family member. It's hurtful, because I don't think people are even aware that they're being selfish for some reason, even though it's obvious to any bystander that making it so your family can't eat for 2 weeks till the next check is just cruelty.
And this sorta thing happens to so many people. It is so sad. If our society wasn't terrible and didn't prey on the poor, gambling wouldve been banned nationwide by now rather than just "regulated".
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u/North_Confusion2893 3h ago
I mean, can you really protect people from their own stupidity?
Even if you made it illegal, they'd just gamble illegally. They'd fight for their right to piss their money away.
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u/Jamiddle 3h ago
I think its really weird people boast about drinking lots at the weekend
Like okay?? Cancer isnt a competition, love.
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u/Hour-Professor9489 4h ago
I think yoi should consider the context. In my home country it is common and acceptable to have a glass of wine at dinner, even if kids are present. That's part of everyday life and young adults are often introduced to alchool by there parents (not for fun but for culture e.g. learning to distinguish different types of wine and when it is appropriate to drink what).
That said, your position seems understandable to me. I find no appeal in getting drunk, having casual sex or gambling. I went to an alchool exploration phase when I was 25, but I came to the conclusion that getting drunk sucks.
I still get a good glass of wine from time to time.
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u/Embarrassed-Peace735 Suspecting Autism 5h ago
bro same, sometimes freinds will joke about gambkeing, and i will play along, it it just tiers me out. the only alchahol i have ever drinken if for comunion, and i am aroace, and sex is just weird, and gross, and just... why would someone do it?
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u/SnooChipmunks9223 5h ago
You actually in the majority with this opinion most people don’t don’t at least 2/3 of those things
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