r/autism • u/badgirlvenomous • 6h ago
Social Struggles Why do some NT people dislike autistic/neurodivergent people so much?
Today, due to a situation regarding work, I realized that no matter where I go (school, work, etc). I can understand and respect people don’t have to like me but it’s gotten to point that no matter where I go (school, work, etc.), people always seem to have a problem with me. Like I barely know you and you already hate/dislike me? What did I do? Sometimes having ASD makes me feel like I’m not able to truly connect with anyone (romantically, friendship, family, etc.) and that makes me feel lonely, even more lonely than I am now.
My mother says that it happens to my dad too. She says that there’s some kind of aura or energy that people may sense and not like. She says that there has to be a way to change it. But I don’t know if it can be changed. What can I do? I just don’t understand why…
Note: I know I am not the only one who experiences this, a lot of autistic and neurodivergent people go through this. People have said it because they can sense that we’re different and autistic.
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u/North_Confusion2893 6h ago
Thin slice judgements.
https://www.spectroomz.com/blog/thin-slice-judgements-autism
It's not your imagination, they actually do hate you the moment they see you, for absolutely no reason.
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u/badgirlvenomous 5h ago
I just read the whole article, thank you for this. This is so sad because I am not who they think I am very nice, funny, and a good person. It makes me think of all the times where I was bullied as a child and people not understanding me growing up not wanting to be my friend or be around me. I always thought I was uncool and I thought that for many years. Sometimes when people say that I’m cool I have a hard time believing them because for years I’ve believed the reason why people don’t like me or want to be around me was because I wasn’t cool enough or I wasn’t like the other kids. Just thinking about this and reflecting on my childhood and adulthood, it’s no wonder I’m so lonely and I prefer to be alone. Too many people quickly judge physically and at first sight, not wanting to interact and actually talk to the person. This is really sad :/
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u/North_Confusion2893 5h ago
This is so sad because I am not who they think I am
I know the feeling. All I ever really wanted was to be a good person. I never hurt anyone who didn't try to hurt me first, I always did the right thing by others, even when it hurt me or cost me. But people constantly treated me like I was aggressive and violent and out to get them. I was the kind of person who'd jump into a fight to defend someone who was getting beaten up, without hesitation, but I'd just stand between them and him without throwing any punches myself because I didn't like hitting people and didn't want to get in trouble for fighting.
Of course, then I'd get pulled into the principle's office and told 'they know I started it'
Ironically, the constant exclusion, rejection, and the realization I will be treated like a violent threat no matter what I actually do has traumatized me and resulted in me becoming more like exactly what they all treated me like, which I don't like but feel powerless to change because every time someone treats me like an aggressive, hostile threat for no reason, I hurt more, grow more resentful, and become more hostile.•
u/badgirlvenomous 5h ago
I can relate to the isolation because people constantly prove to me that they don’t like me and it leads me to believe that I will be lonely forever. Ofc I feel alone but in a way, I’ve made peace with that and I’m okay being lonely and isolated sometimes. But I do wish I had a person who could comfort me.
Your feelings are valid and it’s okay to feel the way you feel. I am sorry about your experience, I bet you’re a good and wonderful person. All I can say is that whatever people say about you shouldn’t define you as a person, in today’s world people are judged and getting cancelled on social media for the stupidest things. It only takes a minute to ask questions and have a true meaningful conversation with someone and get to know them instead of judging them for the way they look, the way the present themselves, the way they act, etc. It’s sad that this happened in our childhoods and continues to haunt us in our adulthood.
It’s a reminder that people really need to be kind to others and not assume things.
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u/pocketplayground 4h ago
I am not NT. dyslexic with ADHD but I have the opposite I seem to instantly love those on the spectrum. Married one, close friend is in the process of diagnosis, best boss I have ever had told me he had aspergers (this was a while back). But also I think the no filter hyper honesty of ADHD compliments. My husband (in the process of official diagnosis at the moment) said to me I don’t have to guess what you are feeling you tell me I can actually relax around you.
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u/ColtBIood 3h ago
I think the study which is linked in the article is a better view. I feel the blog post/artikel a bit victimised, where the source material is just a study, an actual artical.
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u/North_Confusion2893 2h ago
I felt the opposite, the bottom of the article goes out of it's way to find a 'bright side' in this deeply unsettling revelation about the neurotypical mind.
But nonetheless, this is just the first result I found on google that seemed to succinctly summarize the findings.•
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u/AhZoh ASD Level 1/2 | Verbal 6h ago
i have always wondered if it was some sort of "uncanny valley" effect.
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u/drdsyv 6h ago
I absolutely think this. As with all "invisible" disabilities, if you look "normal" then there is the expectation that you will act so. When there is something slightly off, NTs can only chalk it up to "this person has weird/arrogant/impolite/distant/etc vibes".
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u/badgirlvenomous 5h ago
There’s a lot of reasons I can think of as to why people don’t like me but there are times when I walk in a place, just walking around and suddenly people see me and their energy and mood towards me changes for some reason. I never did anything or interacted with them, they immediately judge me and treat me like absolute crap. It’s crazy! It’s crazy how much a person can judge you immediately without getting to know you. I understand that not all people need to like each other but there should always be respect on both sides. But it’s sad that this is the way it is.
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u/drdsyv 5h ago
Happened to me countless times. Just recently, I was in a situation where, I and many people I knew were meeting another person first the first time. I was the only person who did not get a handshake or a "Hi my name is... nice to meet you".
It's then additionally weird when the next time you interact with them, they seem to think they know all about you. And I'm like, you can't possibly dislike me this much, we literally haven't even talked.
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u/OperationRoyal 4h ago edited 4h ago
I had this happen when I was going to start a new job. It was in a new location and building so I had to go to familiarize myself with it - one of managers came in, looked up and down at me as I said introduced myself then turned to talk to someone else.
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u/badgirlvenomous 6h ago
Honestly I have no idea. I’ve been told from other NTs after disclosing my diagnosis that I “look normal”. I’m not bad looking and I’m not weird. I’m just me, a regular person. 😭 like I still don’t understand 😭 like what did my presence do to you?
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u/AhZoh ASD Level 1/2 | Verbal 6h ago
this is my experience also. it is also the experience of many I think.
it makes me very sad
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u/badgirlvenomous 6h ago
I’m so sorry :( and yes, I feel like this a definitely a universal experience for autistic/neurodivergent people. It also makes me sad because people are judging a book by its cover immediately, and makes us feel much more lonelier than we are. People judge too quickly and don’t see the whole picture and its details. I wish the world would be a bit kinder to us 🥲.
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u/Admirable_Safe_7551 ASD Level 1 | Verbal 6h ago
I have a pretty large group of strangers with the most intense parasocial hatred of me. A cult of haters I don't bother to know or understand. My disinterest fans their flames.
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u/badgirlvenomous 5h ago
Omg, that’s so weird. Honestly, there’s a group of NTs that hate or dislike other NTs and they make a group chat, gossip, or stalk people just to talk 💩 and hate. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the same NTs doing that to NDs (sadly). Overall, it’s weird behavior. Like are people that judgey or bored to be hating you parasocially like that? They must be insecure. I’m sorry that you had that experience though, I’m glad that you’re giving 0 f*cks about them and not giving them attention. Good for you!
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u/Msdarkknight91 4h ago
From my own experience I believe it’s because they don’t understand us. We’re too different and it’s unsettling for them. Just like how something’s they do are unnerving to me but I don’t voice my opinion to them. I have had many neurotypicals say my bluntness is wrong. But I feel like they’re more blunt than I am because I don’t always voice what I am thinking I.e. their negative aspects vs them always doing it to me 😅.
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u/TearFar9927 Autistic 4h ago
Scrolling down to the comments, I'm imagining that you're an adult. I've heard that quiet adults are apparently seen as standoffish, even though they're most likely not standoffish at all. Also, since you said that you're not interested in befriending coworkers, they may take offense to that, as people are social creatures, and seeing someone without that inclination can confuse people. Not that it's okay that people have a problem with you.
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u/moonandsunandstars 5h ago
Maybe it's just as simple as the fact that human brains remain relatively unchanged from our very first ancestors. Our brains are exceptionally good at not only sensing but also fearing things seen as "other". Which was very important for our ancestors survival, but is arguably a setback in today's world (like a shocking amount of things our bodies are hardwired to do, thanks to our ancestors).
To nt people's brains maybe nd people trigger that "other, other, warning!" flag and therefore elicit a fear/danger response.
(That's not to say it's okay of course and I'm by no means an expert on the matter)
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u/Consistent_Photo5064 6h ago
What are people doing to you?
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u/badgirlvenomous 6h ago
At work, my manager has micromanaging me for weeks now, she’s been passive aggressive and defensive lately and has a rude tone. She was not the same person who interviewed me for the administrative position. She was trying to be nice and be all buddy buddy with me in the beginning but I’m here to work, make money, and not make friends with coworkers. There’s a time and a place to socialize and also I’m never friends with coworkers because I don’t want to be involved in gossip or drama. I told my mom this but I feel like one of the reasons why she’s being like this was because I was giving that same energy back. There was a really scam thing that happened last week where someone was trying to scam me through my job, and she been micromanaging me, acting like I’m not capable of doing the work, she’s not giving me a chance to prove myself, she over communicated, and she comes off as very passive aggressive and defensive. Like it’s not okay. Now tomorrow we have a meeting to discuss the role and expectations which we already went through at my orientation and I had no problem with. I am on the same page as her, the problem is the way she manages and talks to me that is affecting me and my job. She’s acting like I’m not the right person for this role and it’s only been a month and I’ve been trying to prove it to her but nothing is enough for this woman. Honestly I would be happy if I left the job. It’s been mentally draining.
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u/Shy_Zucchini 1h ago
In my experience, the women who go al ‘buddy buddy’ with you tend to take it as an insult to their ego if you don’t play along and will turn every interaction into a fking power game bc they want to ‘put you in your place’.
I’ve been through the same thing with supervising psychiatrists of all people. I haven’t yet found a way to deal with this though bc the way NT’s protect themselves against this feels too unnatural for me
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u/North_Confusion2893 4h ago edited 4h ago
I read this and get the impression that this person is 'building a case against you'.
Very soon they will begin trying to get you fired or actively sabotaging you, I have seen it happen countless times.
If I were you I would contact whatever HR level is above her IMMEDIATELY and explain the situation: That you're neurodivergent, and you suspect this manager is about to begin or has already begun discriminating against you, and want to know what your options are.
Explain it exactly as you have here: you feel this person is acting as if you aren't able to do the job, that she's micromanaging you and extremely passive aggressive and defensive, and that this behavior only started after you 'failed' a social interaction with her.
Do this right now so it's on paper, ask for records to be kept. That way you are protected by anti-discrimination laws.•
u/badgirlvenomous 3h ago
Before I go to bed, I want to clear something up. Yes, she is not treating me very well and we have a meeting tomorrow which would determine whether or not they want to keep me. Depending on how the conversation goes, I may or may not leave (leaning more towards leaving). There is no HR or anyone to support me, this business is growing and started months ago. I was hired back in April and started working this May. I work at the front desk at mental health center (ik ironic lol) and the manager was nice to me and then she changed and I listed factors as to why. Usually when I’m employed I keep my diagnosis to myself because if I make it known, I will be discriminated against and people will begin to treat me differently (whether or not if they have good or bad bad intentions) it leads to people thinking I’m incapable of having a job, thinking I’m not really autistic (which is the comment that’s most brought up for me), and infantilizing me which has happened too. So in conclusion, no one at any of the jobs I had worked in knows I’m autistic. Honestly I have to wait till 3:15pm today for the meeting, I’ll keep yall posted on how it goes lol 😂
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u/LeftNerdBeard 4h ago
I understand and feel the same way, some people just don’t get you. But that’s okay, you have to find the ones that do.
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u/Fast_Advertising_663 4h ago
im so sorry and ive gone thru this my whole entire life as well...not even my NT family likes or loves me....no advice but i just wanted to validate u....
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u/evelyndeckard 2h ago
So I think a lot of it is that humans in this current modern world, live in social hierarchies. Many people want to be somewhere at the top end of that within whatever group or bubble they exist in. When they sense (which they do very quickly) that you don't fit that, either because of something as subtle as the way you make eye contact - they can/may see you as not playing that game/seeing you as not being a good person to connect with to fit into that hierarchy.
It's why there's so much social rejection and bullying at school.
A lot of projection also goes on. When people see someone, even very subtly, not fitting into social standards. Partly they might think - well I have to behave and be like this to be accepted, so they should be doing it too. It's an unconscious knee-jerk reaction. And wholely uncompassionate.
That was just an example though - there are many more internalised thoughts and beliefs that we project on to others that cause us to instantly dislike someone.
Unfortunately being lovely and amicable isn't enough for many people. Just walking a little but different can cause people to socially reject you.
There is hope though - there are many people that are not like this, or rather - that do this with NTs instead because they recognise that they won't be accepted by them, so instead are a lot more accepting of ND qualities that they recognise, or even just people that a slightly/very different from the social norms. Either in appearence or behaviour. We as humans, feel safety in the familiar and when someone or something feels unfamiliar, that can feel dangerous.
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u/HammyHavoc AuDHD 1h ago
People tend to hate what they don't understand rather than be exposed as not being capable, knowledgeable or as superior as they would like the world to think.
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u/Shy_Zucchini 1h ago
I have experienced the same. It has actually put me in physical danger in the past.
But whenever I try to talk about with others, or a therapist, they assume I need to be liked by everyone and try to reassure me based on that misconception. While not being liked and the experience you’re describing are very different, but it’s outside the scope of regular folks’ experiences.
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