exactly like the title says. i want to send his mom a letter explaining everything he did to me. i want his parents to disown him. i never want another girl to fall for his disguise. i want it to be public information. it’s too late now and i know that, but i want to ruin his life like he’s ruined my mental health

On the exterior, I'm fine, I study, I'm doing good in college, I have friends, I go out, I have an amazing bf...

Yet my traumas make me fucking miserable and exhausted, I feel like my brain is just broken and can never be fixed, like it's too damaged to even try.

Some days I have more hope than others, want to attend therapy, seek help...

And days like this I just can't bare my brain, the fear I constantly feel, the images of things I don't wanna see, I'm SICK, when could I ever be normal ?

I want the same problems as other people, I'm tired of completely breaking down over small stuff and dissociating for bigger stuff.

I'm exhausted, I just want to be happy and feel lighter.

Sometimes I fear my parents broke me for life.

I grew up with an abusive parent and then ended up married to another abusive person after that. My whole life I’ve been made to feel like I’m secretly bad and deserving of mistreatment. I was constantly accused of things, constantly blamed, constantly made to feel guilty for the smallest things until eventually I started apologizing for existing.

I stop ed feeling like a normal person. living in survival mode all the time. I became aware of how people perceive me, always overexplaining myself before anyone even asks. The second someone sounds suspicious of me, my stomach drops. I feel guilty automatically, even when I've done nothing wrong.

Today my partner and I were talking about a game I’ve wanted to play forever. I joked that I avoided bringing it up before because I knew he’d probably think I only wanted to play it because another guy also plays it. The game is literally on sale right now and everyone is playing .

But instead of reflecing , he agreed that it “looked suspicious” and basically suggested we just not play it right now maybe later (Which meant when the other guy stops) And I can’t even explain the shitty feeling I got when he said that.

Because it instantly brought me back to that same feeling I’ve had my entire life of being viewed through the worst possible lens no matter what I do. Having innocent intentions turned into something bad. Feeling like I have to constantly prove I’m a good person instead of just being trusted automatically by someone who loves me.

What hurt even more was how little my excitement seemed to matter compared to his suspicion. I was genuinely happy and excited about something and it immediately turned into me feeling ashamed instead although it was not my intention at all.

I think what destroyed me most is realizing I might spend the rest of my life feeling this way. Feeling like a bad perso Misunderstood. Questioned. Like the people who love me are always waiting for me to secretly be guilty of something.

I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember, but for a while I really thought maybe my life was finally becoming something worth staying for. I thought maybe I had finally found safety and happiness.

Now I honestly don’t know anymore.

I don’t want a life where I’m constantly begging to be seen as innocent by people who are supposed to love me.

Last night, after years of silence, I decided to permanently close the window and cut off social media access to the four family members who always made me feel like less than.

I kept the window open for too long.

Maybe part of me wanted them to have a glimpse every now and then, just so they could see from a distance that I was okay and doing well.

But the thing is—why?

What does it matter when it’s been 4 years since I spoke to my mother, 10 years with one sister, 10+ years with my brother, and 3 years with my other sister?

I posted a story on Facebook—a compilation of photos.

They were all good enough to watch from the shadows, lurking, but I was never good enough for them to acknowledge, include, or apologize to.

I was always the isolated one on the outside.

So last night, I officially closed the window and laid down my brick wall.

Last night, I sat in the heavy pain and isolation of that choice.

It’s a lonely place to be.

But I realize this exact pain is why I started writing.

They will no longer be part of my journey or my next steps, watching from a distance in hopes of seeing me fail.

I am turning to my story and exposing the truth.

My writing is not soft, clinical, or therapeutic advice.

I don't have all the answers.

I talk about my real-life CPTSD, the trauma in my nervous system, and maternal trauma exactly how it feels.

If they ever notice they are blocked, that's on them.

But the reality I'm sitting with today is that I was never truly a part of that family, and they spent almost my entire life making sure I felt it.

I became someone they could creep on and talk about amongst themselves, as if they actually know my truth.

I don't feel a grand sense of relief.

I just feel the flat reality of being completely on my own.

Which is probably the safest place for me and my kids.

My journey to healing began a long time ago, but I never fully understood it until recently, when my nervous system exploded into chaos.

I traced it all back to the years I spent in hell as a child, just trying to survive one day at a time.

Now, I am letting that child grieve.

Letting her open up about the atrocities that happened.

And learning to finally let go.

I'm holding my head up high because I’ve always been good enough, even if they never saw it.

I’ve read a few of the posts on here, and for the first time, I don’t feel alone.

I just want you to hold me and tell me it’ll all be ok, that you really do love me and want to date me after you’ve become a better partner/person, and that you choose me and I’m the love of your life, and that you want to fix this and make me feel safe, and prioritize me like I deserve, and show me what a good partner you can really be, show me how much I mean to you, prove to me that you love me like you always say you do, I wanted you to be my home, so badly, I wanted to take care of you, make you dinner, comfort you while you’re sick, or crying over something that has nothing to do with your mistakes, like when your cats died, or you got the flu for a week, I wanted to wake up every morning with you, while you kept me warm in bed, I wanted to stay, in our prefect castle in the sky, just living our lives together, peacefully, watching shows together while we ate good meals, or watching eachother play video games, and going out of our little home for small adventures, like new stores, or new parks, or reading together at the library which we never got to do together, or even just in bed or over the phone together, driving around and picking out what foods to fill our fridge with, deciding together what life would look like for us, everything, I wanted to do everything with you, I wanted you to be my person and for me to be your person(really) I wanted to trust you so badly because of that dream, I gave you so many chances because I saw some improvements and I thought “if I can just be more patient maybe it’ll click, maybe if I give more support you’ll be able to do the hard things, maybe if I love you more you’ll finally see that I’m worth loving too” but, in the end, you chose to throw me away, and I’ll have to accept your choice, it hurts a lot, but, I know in the end it’s for the best, especially because of the path you were trying to pursue right before you left, so I should be grateful that you finally let me go, and some day I’m sure I will be, after the pain stops

my friend showed me screenshots of a huge text her ex sent her apologizing for everything. i didn’t think it would make me upset bc it’s been over a year and 1/2 since him and i broke up and i genuinely don’t think abt him often, but it opened up the flood gates. i realized that part of me is still waiting for an apology, and idk if that will ever go away. this guy has ruined me, and i don’t know how to let go of the trauma. i hate that he still has control of my emotions in a way. it’s not that i want him back AT ALL!!!!!!! i just want… idk. validation? idk what it is. just some accountability ig. i’m so tired of these cycles. of thinking i’m healed and fine n then something triggering me and everything coming back up again. i genuinely do not think i’ll ever heal, and while a part of me still yearns for a relationship, i don’t think i would ever allow myself to be as vulnerable as i was w him ever again. so what’s even the point?

something that’s been on my mind lately is that we think of abuse as an issue between perps and victims, but really abuse is a problem created and maintained by the implicit rules of our society.

there are all these calls to action to hold perps accountable but I think we also need to be holding enablers accountable, because they are the ones who create and maintain the conditions for abuse, perps are just the ones taking advantage of the conditions society created.

everyone who looks the other way, everyone who turns their back on abuse, atrocity, and injustice, everyone who questions and disbelieves victims, everyone who protects perps, everyone who socially rejects and re-victimizes victims, the friends who say “stop trauma dumping“ or better yet just walk away, the aunts and uncles who leave the room when the hitting and yelling starts, the grandmother who puts a hand on your knee and whispers ”not right now, let’s talk about this another time”, the teachers aide who averts her eyes when her coworker starts degrading a kid with special needs, the friend who “doesn’t want to pick sides“ when one girl in their friend group decides to go after another, the mother who looks down when her husband starts beating her kids, the teacher that doesn’t report the bruises on that 3rd graders arms, the stranger on the street that looks at you sympathetically for long enough that you think they might just do something, and then just when the beads of hope have formed in your chest, they turn around and silently walk away... hold these people accountable. they are not innocent. they are the system of abuse.

they are the ones that blame the victim so that they don’t have to blame themselves for their own inaction.

they ask “why didn’t you just leave?” as if they would have given as a place to go. they ask “why didn’t you say something?” as if they would have believed us.

they say “why didn’t you do something?” to avoid confronting the fact that we couldn’t do anything, and they could, and they chose not to.

I’m so sick of it.

I have never talked about this experience before. I feel it may be important for others to hear.

I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years from the ages 12-13. My abuser was emotionally and sexually abusive. When I moved schools and was able to end that relationship I developed a weird sense of urgency towards finding a new relationship. When I was 14 I began a relationship with someone in my class. They were inexperienced with dating and I used that to make myself feel more important. We dated for 2 years; in that time I took advantage of his vulnerability and really ended up hurting them. I won't go into detail as this may be triggering to read. I didn't view them as a person. I spent 100% of our alone time doing sexual acts with them. while these acts were consensual on paper, i have always felt that I was being dishonest when doing them; therefore the consent is damaged. I ended the relationship abruptly once I realized I was just using them and never really saw the relationship as real. I regretted everything I did to them and how horrible I was as a partner. I have since addressed this with them and we are on good terms. not friends or speaking but just closure. It took a long time to figure out what was wrong with me. I suspect that after having my first longterm relationship, I learned that the abuse was normal and maybe expected. so when I entered a new one I decided I would play that role.

I can't help but to feel that I'm secretly a bad person and that I'll hurt someone like that again. I'm 23 now and in a longterm relationship. it's honestly the most healthy relationship I have ever been in. but I am filled with guilt. my ex didn't deserve to be treated like that.

tldr/ I was in an abusive relationship pretty young and ended up abusing my next relationship without processing that's what I was doing.

I know time is the only thing that will heal my trauma and self esteem and this trauma bond, but I feel so frustrated, now that they are gone I feel like I should just be better already, like I know logically that everything that happened to me wasn’t my fault and it was all a bunch of bullshit and abuse, but I still feel so sad and lost without them, I know I’d go back to them in a heartbeat if I could, I’m sick of still feeling under the control of my trauma and love for them, I wish I could speed up the process but I don’t know how, what can I do?

Last July, I joined a discord server called Cartoon Sound Effect Lovers, I saw editors fulfilling requested videos for users, so I joined. I posted my requested videos in the right channel and waited. For few weeks, editors still fulfilling user's requested videos, and I was still waiting. Few weeks later again until August, editors still fulfilling user's requested videos, and I was still waiting. Few weeks later again, editors still fulfilling user's requested videos. I reminded them by posting my exact same requested videos in the exact same channels, only once, mind you, hoping they'll notice it, and editors still fulfilling user's requested videos. At August 30th, I got a complaint, editors got mad at me, because they're not getting paid, despite them fulfilling requested videos for users for 3 whole damn years. One editor did a huge rant on me, like it's my fault, and owner sat there and watched, nothing to do, but to ban me. In October, I got unbanned, just to get banned again, after I did a apology...

They purposely ignored my requested videos.... Trying to tell me it's luck... There's no luck when you pick and choose... That's not how luck works...

Telling me I have problems, I have issues, when they're the reason why my happiness is entirely gone. I've done nothing wrong, I didn't even asked for much.. but they think I asked way too much...

8-10 months ago, I got betrayed... By a owner of the subreddit... Who's once my friend....

And the thing is, they've been fulfilling requested videos, for free... For 3 years ... They should've have been used to it.... They have no problem fulfilling most other user's requested videos, but when it comes to me.. it's always a damn issue.. like I have something to do with it...

And people I talked this incident to, mostly defended them.. thinking what they're doing is right.. and them thinking I'm in a wrong..... And they never shared the sound effects they use and didn't share any sources of it... Unless either if they wanted to, or we have to pay them.... And some say that people have a right to use favoritism against other people, and doesn't count as mistreatment...

That's how my entire happiness is gone.. many people said I bind my happiness to that, when it isn't the case at all.... The reason why I said that because my goals and hope had nothing to do with the incident,it just happened... And most of the videos they've fulfilled are mostly under a minute, mostly under 30 seconds, which is the most light work think to do, since all they do is put sound effects in a background and syncing the movements...

and the thing is, it happened 2-3 months after high school graduation, meaning I had high hopes and stuff, achieving goals, hoping that I'll have a good life.... but... all that's gone, due to the incident.....

And the messed up part is... I'm the only redditor on their subreddit who posts gay content.. when I got banned from that subreddit, my 2 edited gay contents were removed, except my other post, which is a female post. They edit gay content in their discord server, but don't post it in their subreddit.. if they don't post it there.. then what's the fucking point of having gay channels in a discord server..

The owner of the subreddit created a group chat for the owner of the discord server and I to have a talk, we're arguing. The owner of the discord server said, in front of me, and the owner of the subreddit "I'm not into furry and gay content and I'll never be into it"

My friend, chester, sented me a screenshot of a requested video, sented by someone, showing two furry males, dominant one fucking the furry femboy.. the owner made a emote reaction and said " I'm not a furry guy, but I might edit this one"

This was after the argument and before the betrayal....

And i wasn't there when this happened, the screenshot that was sent to me.. led me in tears... Because.. why...

all 600-800-900 sound effects I have that I found on my own is corrupted, all sound effect files are corrupted, meaning I can't use them, so.. I deleted them all.. not to mention been looking for sound effects without any help from anyone for 8-9 months now. Back then when I have 600-800-900 sound effects (yes, that includes some duplicates because I thought I didn't have them, so just grabbed it), it took 6 months without any help.. now I only got 3-4 sound effects that I got few months ago.... Also I had no positive feedback, meaning, no support, no cheering, none.... Just on my own... Again, had no help from anyone throughout the months, Not to forget the refusal of most and majority of sound effects they have that I couldn't get...

They're the reason why my depression gotten worse, they're the reason why I'm not into females anymore, they're the reason why I'm acting the way I am

so... the questions are..... is what I'm doing, wrong...? Am I the reason all this has happened? Am I bad luck? Should I treat other people the same way I've been treated...? Is this favoritism behavior...? What I went through was nothing? Should I be a misogynist because of what happened? please tell me.....

I have to live with the hunting comments I see online or hear irl about cases like mine..nobody will ever believe me..I was a child, a little girl up until I was 14 and she was a grown woman.

I’m talking about my story as this is the first time I’m coming to terms with it. I first wanted to started off by talking about the first time I got raped. Probably when I was 7-8. This was by a girl who was 9 or 10. Her mother and my sister were really close friends and me and her were really close friends (she went to my school). One day her mother invited me and my sister to come to their house. I was super excited because I was going to see my friend and maybe play with toys and games. We were sitting in her room and her little brother was there playing Lego. She told her brother to leave and I thought hmm why. I remember she has a grey bed frame bunk bed and we went to the top. We was just laughing and giggling just having fun. And then she told me to take my trousers off I thought why. But so I did. She said if you don’t let me go down there I’m gonna tell the whole school you let me do it. I was sexually coerced into her doing things to me. Mid way her mum came in and asked for her. She did a shush motion and mimed and said I should say she’s sleeping so I did. I was hoping her mum would stay and “wake her up” but the mum ended up leaving I was so scared. As she continued raping me I stared at the LEGO’s her brother had left before he was kicked out of the room. It was a bright day but such a dark room. I think it was kind of representative to how I was feeling. After it was done I felt dirty and my sister asked me how was I and asked if I had fun. I didn’t know whether to lie or tell the truth so I lied. Because I didn’t want her to tell the whole school. I was just a child. After that she bullied me until she left the school. She lived two minutes away from me. I was so scared to see her. She had beady eyes and I never forgotten them. Whenever I think about it I feel shaken up. I’m 22 now.

People talk about the mental health effects of abuse PTSD, anxiety, depression. But almost no one talks about the physical damage.

Years of living in constant fear don’t stay in your head. Chronic stress damages the nervous system and the heart. Physical abuse, especially repeated head injuries, can cause long‑term brain damage that doesn’t just disappear.

I’m 27 with the health of a 70‑year‑old, and it kills me.

I have weak heart muscles and a brain meningeal tumor. Multiple health issues doctors struggle to fully explain. Tests come back “manageable,” but living in this body doesn’t feel manageable.

Abuse didn’t end when it stopped. It followed me into my body. Our bodies adapted to survive prolonged danger. That adaptation kept us alive but it came at a cost no one wants to talk about.

I am 24 husband is 33

This past week while I was in intensive outpatient group therapy a lady was talking about he ex and the things he would do and say to her and how it still effects her after 15 years without him. It made me open my eyes to the abuse my husband has put me through for like 4 years nothing physical towards me mostly verbal and emotional and hurting himself infront of me to manipulate me. He has said the most horrible things to me from my looks to saying how bored he is of me. When we would fight he'd punch things and scream in my face. The past 2 years he has changed and I think its only cause he is dying from renal failure. He is so depressed and keeps saying how sorry he is for how he has treated me in the past and how he want to be better and get help so he doesn't lose me and can learn to be the best person he can for me. But I am so tired and just don't have it in me right now to be the one to teach him. I wanna talk about our past and how hurt I am but he's scared me too much into a corner that I worry he'll threaten me or scream at me for being hurt by him. I want us to get professional help but we have no money. I love him so much and I hope he loves me but I just don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him.

I’m a 35 F, and over the past year I’ve started noticing a pattern with some of my closest friends. One of them, 29F, has been with her partner 31M for almost 6 years. Another friend, 32F, has been with her husband 34M for about 8 years. Every time we meet up for coffee, dinner, or even a quick catch-up, the conversation somehow ends up revolving around their relationships.

They’ll tell me how their partners ignored them for days, twisted their words during arguments, controlled finances, or blamed them for everything that went wrong. Sometimes the stories sound emotionally abusive, sometimes even worse. As their friend, I genuinely care, so I listen and try to give honest advice. I tell them they deserve respect, stability, and a partner who treats them with dignity. Sometimes I suggest counseling, stronger boundaries, or even leaving if the situation keeps hurting them.

In the moment, they usually agree. They’ll say things like “You’re right” or “I know I deserve better.” It feels like maybe the conversation helped.

But then a few weeks later we meet again.

The same stories come back. The same arguments. The same pain. The same partner. It’s like the cycle resets every month. And I started realizing that the advice I gave didn’t really change anything.

I understand why it’s hard for them to leave. These relationships are long. There are shared homes, shared history, years of memories, and the hope that things might still improve. Walking away from that isn’t simple.

But over time, something started changing for me too. Instead of enjoying our time together, I began feeling emotionally drained. What used to be fun meetups slowly turned into hours of listening to the same painful stories. I care about my friends deeply, but sometimes it feels like the friendship has turned into constant emotional crisis management.

So I started shifting how I respond. I still listen, but I try not to repeat the same advice over and over. Sometimes I gently remind them that they already know how I feel about their situation. Other times I steer the conversation toward something lighter so we can actually enjoy our time together.

Still, I keep wondering something that feels a bit uncomfortable: at what point does supporting a friend turn into enabling the same cycle, and is it wrong to step back when their choices start draining your own peace?

I feel the grief and loss of someone I knew every single day
I grieve the version of him that was predictable and aligned with me
I grieve the kindness and innocence in you that was
I grieve the version of you that was a dad to Milo and I was the mum
I grieve the future we could never create
I grieve the children we could never have
I am no longer connected to this version of you

I feel like I have lost my companion that was
I have lost the version of the only one who understood me and knew me
But that version was real, it existed, it bloomed and thrived when it was alive
I am not the only one who is going through this loss
This may be their way of grieving the loss of me
This helps them, it gives them meaning and I am happy for that
I have not lost anything from this present version of me
I am still myself, just as I was yesterday
Nothing changes that
I create my own narrative based on a few moments I have seen but not the whole picture
All I can do is deduce from what I think and that is not always the truth, it is my way of coping with it and feeding my thoughts
I take the love and support from the people who have never been able to offer me their support even though they might feel for me
I am not responsible for creating the version of him that exists now. It feels like I was, but I am not. I just stepped out of a situation I no longer fitted in, and he filled that in in his own way
I grieve the loss of a brother in law
I grieve my inability to talk to his parents for the final time
I grieve the fairytale dream the little girl inside me had of being rescued and been called back into your life

They are so used to having the control over me, blocking my way, grabbing me/moving me physically, manipulating me emotionally, getting me to bend to (almost)whatever they wanted, any amount of control I’m able to get back feels like control taken from them even tho it was never theirs to have in the first place, I was always meant to be mine, so when I finally take back my own control of myself and my surroundings they find it offensive, if I want to choose who’s in MY house then I’m controlling (but it’s fine if they say they don’t want certain ppl in their house, the house they weren’t even paying rent in and I’m very much paying rent at mine, and it’s fine for our friend to say he doesn’t want certain ppl in his house, ig I’m the only one who doesn’t get that right???) if I want to protect myself by getting distance from them then I’m manipulative

They actually told me that “it feels manipulative when you take my favorite person(me) from me” when I told my therapist about this he kinda laughed(i think cus it was such a ridiculous thing to say he wasn’t expecting it)and said that they were treating me like I was an object they own and not a person with a will of my own or something like that

They feel entitled to my choices, even making choices for me for other ppl without even asking me, just volunteering me for things like they are my owner or something, and when I show any amount of autonomy or go against what they want me to do it’s very easy for them to resent me, which is very painful, idk why it’s so easy for them to feel distain for someone making choices they have a right to make, it’s almost like they enjoy hating me 😔

I wouldn’t be surprised if they did because they made such a habit of it, to anyone who would listen, anything they could find to make me look bad, even straight up lying about me to ppl, making things up about me, or just letting other ppl misinterpret me and hate on me while they watched, never defending me because they preferred not being the bad guy for once, I’m getting off topic now cus I’m starting to feel sad about how the veiw me or think about me, I just wish I wasn’t held to such an unreasonable standard while everyone else seems to be to make “grown up” decisions with no consequences, meanwhile f I don’t do exactly what they want then that’s reason enough to talk shit, lie about me, betray me, and manipulate me all while saying I’m the controlling one somehow for having autonomy over myself

I’m gonna feel sad about this for a while, I wish they cared, but reading my posts usually just makes them angry for calling them out or hurting their ego, I wish they would just stop and have some empathy and self reflection and be a good person instead of immediately turning to scorn and pride, maybe that’s asking too much rn, but it just makes me sad, sad that ppls reaction to someone being hurt is to resent them for it, I just don’t really understand why that attitude persists in ppl, idk how someone can be so naturally unkind instead of wanting to be a better person for the ppl around them and for the goodness of their own soul to grow too

Sorry if this is long. Trigger warning, emotional/psychological abuse, sexual assault(?)

I went no contact with my abuser in early March 5 years ago. Around this time every year, I start to feel this panic in my chest. I start obsessing over my abuser and remembering all the good times we had. I feel this insane grief as if everything just happened. The feelings are just as big as they were then.

I feel incapacitated. It’s like my whole world comes to a halt and I’m unable to resist it. I crave my abuser like a child craves its parent. I suppose that makes sense because my abuser took a parental role over me, specifically in how he spoke to me and gave me punishments when I was bad.

I have mental difficulties and my abuser more or less brainwashed me. These feelings are usually triggered by certain songs or phrases.

He used my past traumas I had confided in him against me. He repeated the actions of my past abusers, sometimes as a punishment for my behavior. He was honest about that and would ask me if his punishments were painful enough.

He once urinated on me suddenly, and he said it was because of his animalistic instincts to mark his property.

He isolated me from my friends and family, encouraged my self harm addiction, fed into my eating disorder, and my relationship with him triggered my first psychotic break.

He also threatened to kill me multiple times.

There’s so many things I could list that are comically bad about him. The things he did to me feel ridiculous, like nobody would believe me if I talked about them. He has this hold over me, even to this day. He spoke to me like a pet, and I miss that.

My life was simpler when I was being abused. It felt good to have someone ‘care’ for me so much. Being his property was easy. I lived to make him happy. I accepted his word as fact, even when it was far fetched, even when it meant I had to destroy my life.

I felt like I had a place. I felt wanted. He said god made me for him, and I believed him.

I know I’m better off. I know he wasn’t a good person. I feel lucky to have gotten away from him. But some part of me craves the rush. The feeling that he could kill me if he wanted, and he just chose not to. That feels like love to me. I know it’s so messed up.

I really hope one day I’ll wake up and never think about him again. I’m trying to be okay with the possibility I could be haunted by him for the rest of my life. Idk. I’m just trying to get better.

All they do is tell me what I want to hear but then lie about me or say things about me that they won’t say to my face, it’s so exhausting begging them to tell me the truth, but then just hearing all the same shit they’ve always told me, I’m just so sick of the manipulation, and then when k call them out on it they say I’m gaslighting them because it’s their feelings and “you cant tell me how I feel” such an annoying twist they always pull on me, just finding any way to play the victim, even tho they’ve lied so consistently and with the same words almost word for word before, but now they are all of a sudden telling the truth so if I say that they are lying like they always have then I’m the manipulative one, ya, ok, they just hate being called out for their actions, they don’t have remorse for the things they’ve done but just feel guilty about it so they get upset when I talk about it, I’m so tired man, why do I have to deal with so many lies? Why can’t they just be honest for once in their life, I would be satisfied if they would just come clean and admit that they feel all the things they told other ppl they feel about me, and not what they are telling me, because it’s always been a lie

I’ve noticed every few months my brain kind of ‘forgets’ the healing and processing I’ve done about my abusive relationship, and I sort of have to realize all over again that my abuser was actually bad. It feels quite sudden, like something triggers my doubt, and I start spiraling, questioning everything. I wonder if I was truly at fault and maybe he wasn’t as bad as I thought he was. I wonder if I’m ‘supposed’ to be with him even though I’m really happy and in love with my partner. When I think about it, there’s nothing I like about him. He disgusts me. But my brain, in a very physical way, craves him. I feel this tension, and awful anxiety and dread, like I’m betraying him. It’s how I used to feel when I was with him. I’m desperate to be on his good side. Hanging on to the glimmers of who I thought he was. It makes me want to beg him to forgive me.

All of it comes back up, and I spiral for a week or two, until I can reason with myself and allow time for the emotions to be there. It always resolves eventually, and I think I’ve been getting better at recovering from it. But it always, always disrupts my life significantly.

Sometimes it was euphoric to be with him. I think some part of me will crave that feeling forever. I’m trying to be okay with that, and allow the feelings to be there when they come. It has gotten easier, but it’s still a struggle for me.

It took 3 years to finish court but last month the sentencing was finally done. What i didnt realise is there was a reporter there as well. My detective told me afterwards to prepare me for the article, i assume she didnt tell me before so i could focus on reading my statement out without worrying. But now theres this article out about me going into more detail than id like but also making it seem so.. small? Like what happened wasnt that bad. There was so much more violence and manipulation than what is stated. But also goes into detail about the sexual harm aspect of it. It just feels so weird. Knowing that anyone who knows we dated knows its about me. They put a fake name on it so none of my information is out there but still.. i feel like a piece of my control was taken from me. I had full control over who knew and what they knew and now i dont. The one thing i truly had to myself is gone. Its so stupid.

It’s official. I lost the people I thought were my friends. I lost the event community I’ve been a part of for nearly ten years.

He won. They all chose him. He probably tells them I’m crazy and they probably believe him.

I lost it all. All because I didn’t want to be abused anymore.

Been feeling extremely bad lately, but today I decided, fuck it, I will do something nice for my kid and me. So when I picked them up from school we went to play table tennis.

I actually had fun for a minute, a feeling I almost thought was no longer possible for me. Until that voice inside chimed up telling me I'm not good at this. I'm not good at anything. Why am I doing this when I'm not even good at it? I'm so pathetic.

Every single stupid fucking thing I do every day I'm reminded of my ex telling me it's not good enough. Every time I cook a meal I think about how he'd say it's not healthy or it's too salty or it doesn't taste good. Every time I pick up the trash it's why didn't I do it sooner? When I apply to a job, I know I'm lying about my skills because according to him I never did anything worthwhile.

And he used to complain about how it's frustrating that I never take his criticism. I did take it - I take it everywhere I go.

I honestly don't want to do anything anymore, but I know that just would be even more proof that I'm worthless.

And this is the result of a relationship with someone I used to think was not abusive, because he didn't hit me or r*** me like the others. He's considered a good guy by *everyone*. But for some reason he just had to destroy me for a few years when he no longer loved me before discarding me. It feels like there really is something about me that just makes people want to cut me down. Like at this point maybe they're just telling the truth about me.

Over 2 and a half years of no contact, but I’ve still thought about it every single day since, sometimes in more detail than other times. I used to tell myself that I hoped they got better and would find a way to live happily, but that I wanted absolutely no part of it. I’ve wondered if they were dead countless times, sometimes almost wishing it before catching myself. I didn’t want to wish death on anyone. No one ever contacted me about them again, so I figured they were probably alive. Probably. I’m not over it, but I’ve finally been able to feel safe again. I was okay that they were probably alive, and maybe, hopefully moved somewhere else.

Today I had a suspicious attempted login into my email from within my city, and a consequent account recovery request, also from within my city. I had a bad feeling. Eventually, I decided to finally look up their name, doubtful anything would come up. I was wrong. The very first result was their linkedin profile, and it was recent. They are at the same university I was in, starting the year after I dropped out of it. They seem to be doing well, some credentials I’m sure are false, but I’m not so sure about the more recent ones. I had been feeling almost secure before, and when their old close friend requested to follow me out of the blue, I thought nothing of it and accepted. Was that a mistake?

I found confirmation that they are alive, and I feel awful. I’m spiralling, but maybe not? I can’t seem to really complete a single thought, I just feel like I’m sinking. I don’t know if I want to cry or throw up, my ears are filled with static and my head is heavy. I think I’m shaking.

The threat suddenly feels real again, and with this reaction I’m discovering that I think I really did hope they were dead. I don’t know how I feel about that, but I think I’m going to look at myself very differently once I’ve snapped out of this. I feel like I need to move away from this city or province.

I’m not the perfect victim, and I’m tired of feeling like I’m supposed to be.

I’m not some strong, inspirational figure ready to fight back and take down my abusers. I just want to disappear into a corner and pretend it never happened. I don’t have the energy for justice I just want peace.

People think I’m weak because I’m not doing anything. My partner even thinks it’s “suspicious” that I’m not pursuing anything again my Abusers.

There’s so much pressure to do something, to be brave, to seek justice but all I want is to move on and put it behind me.

I’m not the perfect victim. And that should be okay.