r/SoloPoly • u/prettygood-8192 • 3d ago
What are your best strategies for offline dating?
Dating apps don't make sense for me anymore. The last three dates I had, there was just zero connection in real life. Over the past 3 months of daily swiping there's been 2 profiles who identified as solo poly. Sometimes I match with other people but the conversation fizzles out as soon as they understand my preferences. I'm so tired of this and have deleted all my profiles.
I'm just wondering where to go from here. It might be wise to take a break from dating altogether but it'd also be really nice to have a kind human in my life.
I'm starting to realize that is time to expand my social networks and start some activities where I can meet new people.
But is there anything else that you'd recommend for specifically meeting solo poly people? Anything beyond the most common advice?
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 3d ago
Queer spaces, kinky spaces, alt spaces.
We are lucky to have what is basically a one-stop-shop here in our town, but I wager you could search for poly and ENM meet-up and social groups near you.
Also, lots of folks use the apps to make like minded friends, and use that network to meet more people.
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u/prettygood-8192 3d ago
So you've got a queer, kinky, alternative meeting space in your town? Could explain more about this? Like, does it have a dedicated physical location? Who are the people organizing this? What kind of activities are you doing? I'm currently thinking about doing some community organizing myself and this sounds super interesting!
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 3d ago edited 3d ago
It's a nightclub, nominally goth/industrial/metal, but it hosts kink events, is super queer-friendly, and is used as a regular meeting and event space by the major ENM community organizations here. There's an "ENM Prom" dance/dinner event tomorrow night, in fact.
As for community events, there's a monthly meet-and-greet (not actually for cruising!) ENM cocktail hour. We have book club events that read a lot of the popular ones mentioned here. There was a rec league volleyball team. There are pre-game dinner events before popular kink nights. And there are all sorts of tangential spin-off events that folks host, from private pool parties to network gaming weekends.
Organizing events mostly just takes the grunt work of doing. But I'll mention this: we do have one community organizer who, while quite willing to do work, was obviously using his position to find dates. That's slimy. The better organizers are very cautious about separating their work to build community from their interest in finding dates.
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u/prettygood-8192 3d ago
Thanks so much for sharing, this sounds really nice, I'd kinda dreaming about some kind of community like this. But yeah, your last paragraph is giving me pause, that's something I need to consider.
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 3d ago
We are very lucky here. And it's a nice place to live, if you don't mind winters in the Midwest USA.
To be clear: even our more scrupulous leaders date inside the community. They are just very slow and deliberate about it. And they don't stop organizing once they find dates.
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u/prettygood-8192 2d ago
Would you be willing to answer a few more questions? I'm just super curious but really don't want to overwhelm you.
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u/Altostratus 3d ago
Where I live, a lot of poly events are organized via Facebook. We have a polyamory group, a solo poly group, and several others with regular meetups. Many are also listed on Fetlife.
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u/LuvsSizeQueens 2d ago
I wish these kinds of events were posted in more privacy friendly environments than FaceBook and Fetlife. It'd be nice to be able to join them without being put on tracking lists. Neither site allows the creation of truly anonymous accounts. Fetlife is just more underhanded and dishonest about how they track you.
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u/comfychaosseeker 2d ago
Are you specifically looking for romantic/sexual connections, or are you also open to platonic ones and just seeing what develops?
I recently became close friends with someone I originally met through a neurodivergent meetup last year. We only started hanging out regularly a couple of months ago, but the connection genuinely surprised me because I didn’t expect a new friendship to feel that fulfilling. I usually leave our meetups feeling more energized than before. We have similar interests and both love novelty, so even simple activities together still feel exciting.
I also really understand your frustration with the apps. When I first tried to meet people offline again, I think I overthought it a bit. Eventually I just started going to events that sounded interesting to me: queer events, a FLINTA board game night, organizing a queer museum visit, joining a social deduction game group, even an ice bathing group during winter 😅
Most of these spaces weren’t specifically for poly people, but I still ended up meeting a lot of kind and interesting humans. Even when nothing romantic develops, it still feels genuinely fulfilling to spend time in good company and build community.
Right now I only have one romantic/sexual partner I see maybe once a month. The rest of my social life is mostly friendships and communities/events where I know I’ll probably have a good time if I show up.
I guess what I’m trying to say is... just start somewhere. It doesn’t have to perfectly match your expectations from the beginning. Sometimes you end up finding something completely different than what you originally looked for, but still meaningful.
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u/prettygood-8192 2d ago
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts! I've had to think about your first question for a while. My social life is quite fulfilling as it is right now, but what I'm most missing is physical intimacy. Like you, I'd be more than fine to meet them only once a month but not having this at all feels kinda empty right now. I'd also love to have some really close besties, in the way you describe the connection in the second paragraph. I've recently moved and haven't clicked with anyone in that way yet.
I guess the promise of dating apps is that you'll have single people who are interested in you within immediate reach. And the offline way takes more patience and can't be as goal-oriented. Like, you need to tend to the whole garden of your social life instead and allow for nature to do it's magic without controlling the outcome. Instead of just dumping fertilizer in one spot and grow an unhealthy, overbred species.
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u/liplamp 3d ago
Along with going to poly spaces, I'd have a think on the kind of person who'd be drawn to the solo poly lifestyle, even if they don't know what it is, and go to such spaces that are relevant to you.
For me, that tends to mean Type A artists, academics, freelancers, and entrepreneurs, who put focus on their careers ahead of everyone and everything else, but are also very good at maintaining long-term and long-distance connections. I haven't needed to seek out spaces with these folks since I've just naturally found a few but I think I could if I needed to.
Figure out the equivalent for you and go from there.
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u/prettygood-8192 3d ago
Thanks, this is really helpful! I really like that way of thinking, hadn't considered this perspective yet.
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u/BulbasaurBoo123 2d ago
You could try local poly meetups and kink munches. I've also noticed certain subcultures tend to have a higher number of poly/poly friendly folks like furry meetups, Burner communities, drag/burlesque events, and queer groups. My area has burlesque classes for people who want to learn, so trying something like that could be a fun way to meet people.
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u/prettygood-8192 2d ago
Yeah, the poly meetups in my area don't work well for me, but I'll really give your approach a go and think about places/interests poly people here like to go to.
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 2d ago
Dang, the overlap is everywhere. See also: rock climbing, the Ren Faire, and Dungeons & Dragons...
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u/BulbasaurBoo123 2d ago
Yeah TTRPGs, games like Magic the Gathering and nerd/geek culture are definitely hotspots for poly folks! Also aerial arts are pretty popular (and tend to overlap with the Burner/rave communities).
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u/boredwithopinions 3d ago
Common advice is common for a reason. It's often the best advice.
I would look for polyamory specific in-person events around where you live.