Is this.... solo poly compersion??

[u/[deleted]]

The title is mostly meant to be a silly heehee ha ha, and also there's so much relief in recognizing incompatibility irregardless of how much you like someone, ending the relationship, and *not* spiraling down the drain of low self worth.

I've had a wild transition over seven years from only being a secondary in hierarchical non monogamous relationships to solo poly RA. I'm just really fucking happy to be at this place in my life finally where being poly doesn't feel like a humiliation ritual for my partner or meta's self esteem (or lack there of), and my only other option is being shoved unceremoniously onto the monogamous relationship escalator over and over.

TLDR: really proud and happy to have finally settled on solo poly as being the right relationship style for me

[u/saladada]

I'm glad you've found your "niche" but being solo-poly doesn't free you from hierarchy. You will still be considered secondary within basically every relationship. Even solo-poly people still have hierarchy within their lives. The partner they've been with for 6 years is going to take priority over the partner they've been with for 6 months. Their own child is going to take priority over all partners. Their best friend's wedding is going to take priority over their sister's desire to see a movie. And if you date anyone in a primary relationship, you will still always be in the secondary position.

[u/Brew_D → u/saladada]

I'm reading the book Polysecure at the moment and it splits hierarchy into prescriptive and descriptive styles.

Prescriptive appears to be the basic understanding everyone shares: think of the typical married couple, nesting partners living and raising their kids. They may date other people who need to understand that they come second. The primary partners may have veto over secondary metas and they set the rules.

Descriptive is what you describe and is more observed - yes hierarchy can naturally form but it is fluid. All partners should have equal rights to have a day.

I'm having this discussion with my RA partner at the moment. She is seeing another guy who she spends far more time with, has a more intense attachment to and talks to everyday. I on the other hand spend time alone with her once a fortnight. Metas relationship is relatively new, however I've known my partner as a friend for well over a decade (although things evolved to this status relatively recently)

My meta and I are both starting to navigate socialising within a friends group and have both discussed hierarchy assuming the same thing: he is the primary. She doesn't really agree though. Meta is newer in her life and is navigating a group of friends who have known her for over 10 years. I have a certain level of privilege, security and comfort in these social circumstances but it doesn't necessarily mean withholding affection from me where meta is present.

'Descriptive' hierarchy feels kind of assumed yes, but like anything with RA, frequent communication is necessary to account for shifting priorities and circumstances and there is no assumption that one relationship will be prioritised over another.