Is this.... solo poly compersion??

[u/[deleted]]

The title is mostly meant to be a silly heehee ha ha, and also there's so much relief in recognizing incompatibility irregardless of how much you like someone, ending the relationship, and *not* spiraling down the drain of low self worth.

I've had a wild transition over seven years from only being a secondary in hierarchical non monogamous relationships to solo poly RA. I'm just really fucking happy to be at this place in my life finally where being poly doesn't feel like a humiliation ritual for my partner or meta's self esteem (or lack there of), and my only other option is being shoved unceremoniously onto the monogamous relationship escalator over and over.

TLDR: really proud and happy to have finally settled on solo poly as being the right relationship style for me

[u/SadBoiCute]

Changing the definition of hierarchy don't make it less hierarchal. Things like this is why so many of us solo poly give side eye to RA people cause you will be enforcing hierarchy and then redefining it to suit yourself.

Natural hierarchy happens. Example, the person you live with should have priority in the heirarchy over someone you dated for 3 days. Children should get priority be higher in the heirarchy over partners. If you truly have no heirarchy and do not acknowledge when it happens you are not safe to date cause solo poly takes a lot of responsibility to work right and care for people's feelings.

If what you mean is you don't do heriarchy of partners based on how long you been dating or type of connection then say that and stop whatever this is of trying to spin in like people demand priority for security when it is that people deserve to feel secure in relationship with you.

[u/JonnyLay → u/SadBoiCute]

I'm not changing the definition of anything. You just don't understand the nuance between the two and conflate them.

Yes a child has greater needs than a partner. So they get priority to ensure their care. Hierarchy is a chosen ranking, there's no such thing as natural hierarchy in the dictionary.

You are the one redefining.

Priority is flexible based on situation. Hierarchy is consciously decided and set.

"hierarchy is a system of organizing people or things into ranked levels based on importance, authority, or grade. It establishes a top-to-bottom structure, often with a single leader or highest rank at the top."

[u/SadBoiCute → u/JonnyLay]

We actually agree they have different meanings but you might need to do some more reading because priority builds heirarchy. Natural heirarchy is real we call it descriptive heirarchy. There is prescriptive (decided) and descriptive (just what naturally happened).

Highest to lowest priority for time and communication is building a heriarchy. Highest to lowest need for home care tasks, food, medical is part of heirarchy. If one partner has veto over who is in the house cause you have a child there and you host hook ups, they rank higher in the heirarchy from having that priority. If you will bail on quality time with a date cause your roommate needs a lift to hospital, they have priority right then but nornally might rank lower than your dates. That is decided so is prescriptive. If you always bail on dates to hang out with your roommate and clean the apartment it might be descriptive heirarchy.

All those things add up to the heirarchy not just the parts you decided on.

So you can choose who gets priority in some moments. You can choose to make an effort for avoid heirarchy with partners. You cannot eliminate heirarchy at all and pretending you can by saying they are completely separate things hurts the people you have relationships to.

The definition you gave supports this. Heirarchy is a system of organising by importance. Doesn't mean you organised it that way on purpose sometimes life happens. RA is supposed to be about challenging those expectations not pretending it does not happen ever.

[u/JonnyLay → u/SadBoiCute]

Sure, and my dirty dishes have a hierarchy over my unmade bed.

It's obvious to anyone that when talking about hierarchy in enm relationships they are talking about prescriptive hierarchy.

Having a primary vs not having a primary and the effects of that dynamic.

Descriptive hierarchy is just priority, and doesn't fit with the actual definition of the word hierarchy. They just made it up to describe people who effectually have a primary that they treat with excessive priority, or couples privilege, but refuse to acknowledge it, because couples privilege isn't pretty.

[u/SadBoiCute → u/JonnyLay]

Heirarchy is not just for primary partners and if you do not see the heirarchy that happens by accident as part of the definition of heirarchy, like I said, you are red flagging yourself as not good at ENM and poly cause how you gonna take care of partners feelings about the heirarchy you did not get to prescribe if you don't think it counts?

Childish google the first-definition and then not understand that "based on importance" includes priority ass take. What do you think priority is fr