Still Learning, But Clearer Now: From Spiralling to Self-Advocacy.

[u/Aggravating-Trade-67]

You will see I’ve posted here a few times over the past few months (including one about Valentine’s Day that I ended up deleting because the responses were making me feel worse rather than clearer). I was pretty anxious in those posts, so I wanted to give a calmer update.

I’m 7months new to ENM and this is my first emotionally significant non-monogamous relationship. I didn’t come into this philosophically committed to poly, I met someone I liked and decided to try. What I’ve learned is that I can be open, but I’m not neutral. I don’t want casual. I don’t want to feel secondary in practice while being told I’m not.

Earlier in the year I struggled with NYE (he spent it with another partner which was ok but couldn’t tell my brain that), and more recently Valentine’s Day hit harder than I expected. Not because I wanted grand gestures, I knew he was with someone else and that’s fine but because I’d mentioned that symbolic days land for me and after 7 months I expect a message. I didn’t hear from him all weekend, and Monday morning I got a small-talk message about coffee. It felt like I’d evaporated. That was the real trigger.

A lot of people asked whether I’d messaged him first. I didn’t. And I don’t actually regret that. For me, it wasn’t about who texts first. It was about wanting to feel considered without having to prompt it.

Instead of escalating or ending it, I sat with it and eventually had a calm, honest conversation. I told him I’ve been feeling invisible and disposable in between dates. That when we’re together it’s warm and connected, but when we’re apart I feel like I don’t exist in his world. I explained that intentional time without emotional presence feels hollow to me.

To his credit, he listened. He apologised for Valentine’s Day. He admitted he froze because he didn’t know what to do. He said I’m not disposable and he’s sorry he made me feel that way and that he wants to keep seeing me. It wasn’t dramatic, but it was the first time I felt fully heard.

The biggest shift has actually been internal. I realised I’d been over-functioning, suggesting plans, softening myself, managing my reactions. I stopped doing that. I’ve also started seeing someone else (long distance), and the contrast has been clarifying. Not in a competitive way just in noticing how different it feels when someone naturally reaches for you in between.

Right now I’m in a “let’s observe consistency” phase. I’m not trying to contort myself into being okay. I’m advocating for what I need and seeing whether actions align.

I still don’t regret trying ENM. I’ve learned a lot about myself and still learning. But I’ve also learned that emotional presence matters to me just as much as autonomy.

Anyway, that’s where I am now. Less erratic. More discerning. This is the calmest I’ve felt about this relationship since the beginning of the year, and I hope it continues.

This isn’t an advice-seeking post, just sharing where I’m at. If anyone has thoughtful or positive reflections, I’m always open to hearing them. I’m not looking for debates about whether I’m “doing ENM right”, I’m simply sharing my experience.

Peace and love 💛

[u/Platterpussy]

The biggest shift has actually been internal. I realised I’d been over-functioning, suggesting plans, softening myself, managing my reactions. I stopped doing that.

Awesome!!! It can be so surprising when you notice where the effort is coming from.

I’ve also started seeing someone else (long distance), and the contrast has been clarifying. Not in a competitive way just in noticing how different it feels when someone naturally reaches for you in between.

Dating more than one person is so different from dating just one. Don't forget that people are always on their best behavior and usually the most enthusiastic right at the start.

[u/Real-Tough-Kid-]

Do all sopos start with a relationship where the other partner says they want an actual relationship while their actions say FWB and they’re so used to outsourcing work to partners that they can’t plan anything to save their lives? Asking as someone who can’t seem to let go of that relationship lol.

[u/kitan25 → u/Real-Tough-Kid-]

I didn't. I started as only wanting play partners, and then one of my play partners and I both caught feelings. Almost five years later, I'm still happily solo poly.

[u/saladada]

In all relationships, whether monogamous or not, upfront communication is key to addressing issues. 

In polyamory, regular RADAR check-ins are generally considered standard practice. You can learn more about them by googling Multiamory + radar.

[u/OkTransportation5085 → u/saladada]

There is no such thing as "standard practice" in polyamory. I wish people would stop trying to create arbitrary rules on how to be a "good poly". RADAR is a tool described on the multiamory site. People may or may not find that tool useful. There is no standard to follow.  I personally like regular check-ins, but informal. Some people have no issue communicating on the go when something comes up. Each relationship has different needs.

[u/BeeEyeAm]

I think a big part of ENM journeys is learning through experiences, specially in what it teaches us to advocate for and how to do our personal/internal strength. Congrats on finding your balance.

It doesn't mean you're free and clear from hang ups or learning lessons but I've always felt that when my busy feels better (nervous system calms) that the next step tends to build on the work I just did amd it starts to get easier.

Three ease comes from learning things that help you start relationships better footing, knowing what triggers your nervous system and how to address it and also a more confident approach!

I hope you keep getting rewarded on your journey!