r/Shouldihaveanother • u/TaperedYoga • 2d ago
Conflicted on keeping second pregnancy
Apologies for the length ahead of time, I just need advice.
My husband and I have been together for over 15 years. We are high school sweethearts and started trying for a baby in early 2020 after almost a year of marriage. This resulted in me being diagnosed with a thyroid disorder, multiple miscarriages, fertility treatments and years of struggles before we finally found the reason for my fertility struggles. I underwent surgery to remove a large fibroid (through cesarean means) as it was too large for them to go through laparoscopically.
Less than a year later I was pregnant and had my son. Pregnancy was insanely easy, no symptoms, health issues, etc but I did have to have a planned cesarean due to the previous surgery.
I’m now a SAHM of a two year old and in a state with no family to help. We co sleep, he’s attached to my hip, I’m on tretinoin for acne, GLP-1’s to help me lose weight and aside from the typical toddler struggles, I love the ease of my life. I love being able to do things with my son whenever I feel like it, get up and go to a store or park, sleep pretty much 7-8 hours a night with minimal waking, doing things to my body (like the above mentioned, Botox, tattoo’s, vain stuff I suppose). My husbands job is very demanding, but when he is home he is very hands on and a great spouse/father. Financially we are doing fine, which is a huge blessing in this day in age, and have been able to do light travel and make plans for more so our son can experience things that we didn’t get the chance to do when we were little (or even as adults). The things I have said above are extremely selfish on my behalf, I know. But I also want my child to never have to grow up worrying like we did. I want to spoil him, go to all of his events, be apart of his school stuff, buy him things because we can afford it and go adventure the world because with one, we can.
I have had one miscarriage since my son, but it was a chemical (super early). I found out I was pregnant a few days ago and the line is only getting darker. I always wanted at least two, my husband would be okay with a baseball team, but now I’m not sure I want more than the one I have. I don’t want to start all over again, give up the things that make me happy for the pregnancy and breastfeeding journey, and possibly not fly out to see friends and family for god knows how long because I’m not flying solo with a toddler and infant. But at the same time, I loved being pregnant, the newborn, the idea of my son having a sibling if something happens to us and know that the struggles of two little together is so temporary. My son is my everything though. He always wants me to play with him and at the end of the day, vanity aside (can you tell this is a big thing for me? 🙄), I don’t want him to have to share my attention. I struggle with the idea of loving another baby as much as I love him. I have read so many posts where people say that your love grows and the first born will be fine, but I genuinely cannot wrap my head around the fact that I’d have to love another human the way I love this one.
I just need advice or stories. I am still very early, so I have teetered on the idea of terminating.
Edit to add: I did suffer from post partum OCD and anxiety. I don’t know if I can handle the constant thoughts of “did they make it through the night” or the teaching them to eat (was constantly terrified of choking incidents that never happened).
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u/WhiskeyandOreos 2d ago
On loving a second:
Could you now, with your son, sufficiently explain to pre-parent you how it feels to love him? And be honest. Would that prior version of you have REALLY understood?
IMO having and loving a child is one of the few things in life you HAVE to DO to fully comprehend. No amount of description or near-similar experience really will touch it in full.
Similarly, you cannot now wrap your head around loving two kids. You just have to go and do it and see how it works, and it is SO true that the love grows.
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u/TaperedYoga 2d ago
You’re right, I couldn’t tell pre parent me what that love is like because I had never experienced it. I appreciate that point to think about.
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u/LM09127 2d ago
I am biased because I have 2 and I really adore it. I will say the second newborn phase is definitely hard with a toddler running around but after the first year it's really, really fun. I also did not think I could love anyone as much as my first but it's true - your heart doubles. It actually made me love my first even more because I got to see her become a big sister. ❤️ Now they are 2.5 and 5 and I feel like it's so manageable! I get lots of sleep, i'm back on my botox routine, and all my pants fit 😄 I'm vain too, no shame in that!
This is just one data point but I will share. My friend had always wanted 2 kids but after a super challenging, colikcy first baby, she and her husband started to consider being OAD. She got accidentally pregnant with a second, panicked, and decided to end the pregnancy. Now her daughter is 6 and she feels she is too far out of the baby phase. She has said to me multiple times that she really regrets ending that pregnancy because she always wanted 2. She is sort of stuck wondering "what if" but also too scared to jump back in. Totally anecdotal and personal but another perspective. (and that being said, her life is still wonderful!!)
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u/TaperedYoga 2d ago
Thank you for understanding my predicament and giving me your perspective and how life is, as well as your friends story! That’s what I am worried about, the regret, but also know that if in another year or so I want to try again, we can. No guarantees it will happen for us because getting pregnant and staying pregnant can be so hard. I think I’ll have the “what if” about either regardless.
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u/Otherwise_Release306 2d ago
Strictly regarding the part about being able to love your second, I went through the same feelings. Never thought I could love my baby the same way/ as strongly or at least not that fast. I also felt somewhat detached of him the whole pregnancy because I never had a moment of rest.
But luckily the birth hormones are very powerful and indeed, I now feel an extremely powerful love for both my kids. I tell them both "I love you the most in the whole world" because after experiencing this second baby, I know each LO has created their own kind of separate world. Also, English is not my first language so when I say "world" I hope nothing's lost in translation. It's like fiercely loving your mom, but also your dad and also your husband - you never rob anyone of the feelings you have for them and are even glad to see them interact.
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u/TaperedYoga 2d ago
Thank you so much for your response! I understand what you mean and know it to be true, it’s just hard to believe in my head lol
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u/ur-spotifyslut 2d ago
Hey, I would recommend getting some expert advice if you've been on trentinoin for acne just before conceiving/while pregnant without knowing it, because the birth defect risk is there and it might change your decision making before you get too attached to a certain decision.
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u/TaperedYoga 2d ago
Tret isn’t the same as accutane. Accutane is the one where you have to be on birth control. I was on tret before my pregnancy with my son, you’re just to stop it if you do become pregnant as it’s not safe to use anymore (went through the whole thing with my doctor before). Thank you though!
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u/Taurus-BabyPisces 2d ago
I am also pregnant with my second and it is such a scary thought! I got pregnant my very first cycle which surprised me. I’m focusing on the positive. I find this pregnancy a lot scarier than my last because I now know how hard that first year of raising a baby is. I love my toddler and I love raising toddlers/kids (I am an elementary school teacher). I also love to be vain and look nice, so that first year of feeling like a blob is so hard. I am focusing on the fact that it is really hard and a lot of sacrifices but then after that first year it gets easier (at least for me). Then far in the future I will have two adult children I can love and cherish and shockingly I will miss these really hard years. I am trying to focus on what I want my future to look like.
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u/TaperedYoga 2d ago
Thank you for your words and time to reply! I know in my heart that it is so temporary and that I can do all of the things I want after, but I hate that I have to start all over again you know? It’s hard to look into the future when I’m so stuck on the present 😂 Also, thank you for teaching our future and all that you do to shape the minds of our youth!
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u/WorkLifeScience 2d ago
I'm one and done, because I love it this way (no idea why this sub popped out on my feed 😄). I fully understand and appreciate the appeal of having one kid. But also remind yourself that the "vain" reasons (which are fully valid btw) are just a few years down the line.
It sounds like you have many positive points for keeping the baby - financial stability, prior wish to have more kids, etc. Maybe you're having a moment of panic due to the unknown, but weren't we all a bit scared with our first as well?