I was ready to have a hysterectomy but now I think I want a third?

[u/thedogispepsi]

I'm 32F my husband is 33M we have 2yo and 3.5 year old boys. I had a traumatic birth with my first son and have suffered physically ongoing as a result. I can't get the surgeries I need done until I decide i'm finished having kids. We had a surprise pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage last December, I was genuinely so excited to be having one more despite the shock.

I have so much swirling around in my mind I'm struggling to sort it all out and come to a decision that makes sense for our family. Some things on my mind:

- I will have to delay my surgery/treatment

- pregnancy will likely make my physical conditions worse

- I had hyperemesis with all my pregnancies. Every time I swore I would never do it again.

- I have gone back to studying my Juris Doctor part time alongside working am a bit nervous about the impact to my career and study

- my second boy is a handful and needs a lot of attention

- there are a lot of days I feel completely maxed out and like we're all just living in survival mode. Would adding more to my plate with pregnancy and a new baby make me a worse parent?

- I physically struggle to look after my kids at the moment because of my health. I can't lift them, I can't walk for long etc. would it be unfair to the kids to be pregnant again and therefore even more physically unavailable?

- I feel like we are almost out of the trenches and just starting to get some rhythm back.

But despite all of that, I can still feel this calling on my heart to have one more. Will I regret it if I don't listen to it or will I regret disrupting the flow of our current family.

My husband runs his own business, I work for the federal government with great maternity leave etc. We have an incredible daycare literally behind our house and a beautiful primary school about a 10 minute walk away. We own our own home which is big enough to accommodate another child. My parents also help out a lot with the kids.

[u/Inevitable-Bet-4834]

I'm sorry about your miscarriage. Have you been able to grieve your loss?

[u/thedogispepsi → u/Inevitable-Bet-4834]

Yes, my husband and I grieved together and then I also worked through it in therapy. I will always grieve the baby I never got to meet but it isn't as heavy to carry anymore.

[u/Inevitable-Bet-4834 → u/thedogispepsi]

🫂🫂🫂

[u/Plane_Employ_5941]

How does your husband feel?

[u/thedogispepsi → u/Plane_Employ_5941]

He's supportive either way. After the miscarriage he said he would like to try again if I wanted to but he also feels content with our two boys and I don't think he'd feel like life isn't complete if we don't have another. He's very pragmatic, like we'd love the kids we have and we'd also love any others we had and we'd just figure it out as we go.

[u/Plane_Employ_5941 → u/thedogispepsi]

If I were in your position the health and inability to hold my children, keep up with them would absolutely prevent me from adding another. A healthy mom = healthy children and healthy pregnancy/less risk.

Would you have the opportunity to get your health in a better place and reassess then?

I also worry a bit that you feel maxed out on some days..the last thing you want to get to is three screaming kids all begging for your attention and mentally losing it.

[u/thedogispepsi → u/Plane_Employ_5941]

Unfortunately not. I need a full pelvic reconstruction which they will only do once I am certain I have finished having children. The surgery will likely include a hysterectomy. There will be a significant recovery period for this also where I won't be able to lift them and will be on minimal movement.

Feeling maxed out is definitely a big factor to consider. We are juggling a lot and it can be hard to keep up with it all. There's always the 'how will I cope' doubt that creeps in and wondering whether i'm capable.

[u/No-Chocolate3667 → u/thedogispepsi]

I think men are different than us because my husband say the exact same thing

[u/athousandships_]

I feel you, after my second I was trying to convince my husband to get a vasectomy (I myself didn't want to consider a hysterectomy back then - gut feeling?) 1.5 years later I realized I wanted a third after all. (My kids are now exactly the same age as yours and we'll try for #3 in a couple months)

But reading your post, I'm not sure If a third kid would be a good addition for you. I love that your husband is supportive either way, but your heath issues, the HG, and the fact that you're struggling with the kids right now suggest to me that a third would be very taxing. You could rely on grandparents even more to help. But you and your family will be strained. I personally would probably decide against a third and for my health and existing family.

Would it be possible to wait 2-3 years and revisit the discussion, as you're still young enough? That would probably solve the issue of your kids exhausting you right now, and the impact on your career, but would unfortunately delay your treatment.