r/Shouldihaveanother • u/annamay44 • 5d ago
Surprise 4th baby
I 30F, and my partner 38M found out we were expecting our surprise 4th baby. We are in an extreme period of hardship. He lost his job due to mental health reasons, he’s struggling with both mental and physical health, we own a multi-residential property but the unit we currently are in is only a 2 bedroom, my work isn’t super busy right now. With all that and him claiming he wasn’t ready for another child, he begged me to terminate. I went to 2 of the initial appointments and the ultrasound and decided it wasn’t something I could follow through with. I always wanted a 4th child, and even though our situation isn’t ideal right now to me a baby isn’t disposable. He is really really angry at me for choosing to keep this baby. Claims he is depressed because of me, that I ruined his life, that I’m selfish and not thinking of anyone but myself. I feel this is the better decision I could live with but is it the right one? Is it worth risking my entire family over and being a single mom to 4?
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u/Plane_Employ_5941 4d ago
Well, he should have gotten a vasectomy…I mean he knows how this happens.
I’m sorry but he needs to have a realistic conversation with you and a decision together vs you against him.
- Is adoption out of the question?
- Financially are you able to afford it?
- Emotionally can you handle a 4th?
I would strongly seek out a therapist to help you both navigate this together. It also sounds like your marriage isn’t so hot if it’s divorce or 4th kid. This needs to be a decision you do together.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
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u/annamay44 4d ago
Exactly. If he was so adamant about not having another child he should have prevented it. I was the one who wanted more.
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u/Plenty-Session-7726 2d ago
I was the one who wanted more.
While your husband is struggling mentally, money is tight, and you already have 3 kids to support?? Do you hear how ridiculously irresponsible you sound?
Nobody is giving your husband a pass, but you just got pregnant on purpose because YOU wanted to when it will be detrimental to everyone else you supposedly care about. That's selfish.
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u/Plane_Employ_5941 1d ago
That is true. You took advantage of the situation. Honestly, id really look into adoption. If you love this baby you’d give it a better life- a father with mental illness, a 2 bedroom for 6 people, financial tightness, and a marriage in the brinks?
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u/annamay44 2d ago
Ya got pregnant on purpose 🙄
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u/Plenty-Session-7726 1d ago
How else would you characterize having unprotected sex while wanting a 4th kid?
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u/StableAngina 4d ago
Is it worth risking my entire family over and being a single mom to 4?
Only you can answer this. In your position, I would end the pregnancy. But I'm not you.
Your body, your choice. You should not be coerced into an abortion, but you should fully prepare yourself for the end of your relationship, as that sounds like a very real possibility.
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u/yung_yttik 4d ago edited 4d ago
Is it worth risking your entire family to be a single mom of 4?
No. It’s not. You already have 3 existing children who need you and most likely want and need you and your husband as a family, together. Especially in this rocky time. You are disregarding his feelings and the fact that he is mentally and physically incapable of caring for a newborn, while also taking care of 3 other children AND trying to get another job. It’s straight up irresponsible to bring another baby into the situation you are in currently.
I’m sorry to be blunt but your husband is right - you choosing this one unborn potential child over your whole family basically during a dire time both financially AND emotionally AND physically IS selfish.
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u/IcySetting2024 4d ago
It is irresponsible but I do wonder why the man who doesn’t want any more kids didn’t want a vasectomy and is relying on his partner terminating which is a heartbreaking decision for many women.
It’s not his body he is subjecting to an abortion now.
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u/Plenty-Session-7726 4d ago
It’s straight up irresponsible to bring another baby into the situation you are in currently. I’m sorry to be blunt but your husband is right - you choosing this one unborn potential child over your whole family basically during a dire time both financially AND emotionally AND physically IS selfish.
This 1000%. Selfish and irresponsible.
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u/athousandships_ 4d ago
How did you even get pregnant? You say he should have prevented it but he didn't and you wanted that child. Were you realizing you could get pregnant and didn't prevent it?
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u/annamay44 4d ago
By having unprotected sex…most adults know the risks. My body doesn’t tolerate control well and he claims he doesn’t like condoms.
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u/Plenty-Session-7726 4d ago
Wow. So, you continued to have unprotected sex even though you're struggling financially and your husband is struggling mentally? And you already have 3 kids to care for?
Just, wow. I'm not absolving him of responsibility, but this is really heartless behavior on your part. How were you able to sleep at night putting your entire family at risk like this?
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u/IcySetting2024 4d ago
The sexism in these comments
What about him ???
He was the one who lost his job, has mental health issues and “doesn’t like condoms”.
The pill can cause hormonal problems in many women whereas the condom doesn’t cause any health issues.
Are you serious?
What about abstinence?
What about a vasectomy?
Why is all the judgment directed at her ?
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u/Otherwise_Release306 4d ago
I completely agree. These comments aren't judgmental because of sexism though. They're mean because her choice (emphasis on choice!) is not having an abortion.
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u/IcySetting2024 4d ago
You should never judge and shame an adult woman to the point you coerce her into an abortion. That’s absolutely disgusting.
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u/Plenty-Session-7726 4d ago
I literally said "I'm not absolving him of responsibility." He sucks, obviously. But she is being incredibly irresponsible and selfish to continue this pregnancy and she's the one here reading the comments, which is why my commentary is directed at her.
If I could go back in time and sterilize her husband and force him to get mental health treatment, I would. Since we can't do that, shaming OP into making the responsible choice for her family is our only remaining option.
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u/No-Consequence-1831 3d ago
Yeah.. reading through this thread, they both suck. They obviously are not in a position to have another child and did nothing to prevent it. Her- because she wanted another kid (even though she has three others she isn’t thinking about) and him because he is lazy.
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u/IcySetting2024 4d ago
Shaming OP into having an abortion? Are you listening to yourself?
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u/Plenty-Session-7726 2d ago
If she's so easily talked into an abortion by strangers on the internet after explicitly seeking our input, then it sounds like that was the right choice all along.
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u/annamay44 4d ago
So it doesn’t matter if I tell you the thought of aborting was sending me in such a dark place. I don’t want to be a depressed mom, my kids don’t deserve two depressed parents and that’s where aborting will send me. One of my purposes in life is to be a mom, to be the mom I never had. My kids are extremely loved and have zero idea there are any problems because I eternalize it and over compensate for their depressed father. They are beautiful happy children who have never been without anything. No I can’t afford to travel but all their necessities are always available.
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u/Plane_Employ_5941 1d ago
The kids will know. Kids are smart. Once they hit 5+ more is being observed and absorbed than you recognize. Hence trauma counseling for kids years later due to issues early on. Kids grow… a 2 bedroom for so many sounds like a nightmare.
I don’t know. If I were you and I loved this baby and being a mom, I’d make the insanely hard choice to give up for adoption knowing this life will have a better one than I could provide.
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u/Plenty-Session-7726 2d ago
It sounds like you want to continue this pregnancy no matter how bad the impact will be on the rest of your family. I'm really not sure why you came here asking for input when you've clearly already made up your mind already.
If you don't want an abortion, don't have one.
But don't expect us to validate your choice, which you are making from a selfish desire for a 4th kid at the expense of your marriage and 3 existing children.
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u/Otherwise_Release306 4d ago
Your body, your choice. If you both chose to avoid contraception and you both knew you personally wanted another baby like I read in the other comments, then things are pretty clear that you indeed want another and husband risked it. I think him demanding an abortion now for his mental health when it's not his body undergoing the procedure is the potentially selfish issue.
Plus, threatening to divorce is a red flag and manipulative. Are you 100% sure your marriage is 100% solid with your current 3 kids? But adding another bam, takes your marriage to completely failed? Smth doesn't ring right here.
So... yes, therapy is in order for you both to process your feelings, assessing your marriage, helping your husband with his depression (extremely important!!), maybe even figure out some financial solutions etc.