r/Shouldihaveanother • u/Entire_Character7386 • Jun 30 '24
One and Done I've asked the women over 60 community what their thoughts are on being OAD
/r/AskWomenOver60/comments/1dqeq0a/whats_your_perspective_on_being_one_and_done/10
u/ImmediateProbs Jun 30 '24
I always think it's fascinating when OADers mention cousins or their only's spouse having a lot of siblings. It speaks to me to how someone needs to have more kids to make a difference in an only's life.
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u/so-called-engineer Jul 01 '24
You don't need cousins, they're just a nice bonus. My son loves his cousins but they're not close by. His friends make the real difference in his life. I'm an only too and had the same experience, my best friend is like a sister to me and our onlies are good friends as well. Meanwhile my husband with multiple siblings was socially stunted as the youngest because his parents put all of the burden of his socializing on his older siblings. The idea that on lies struggle more with socialization is silly to me from my lived experiences.
You don't need to reproduce more to have a happy child but yes socialization is very important. There are many ways to build a village. That said I do think a lot of people lean into that "argument" for everything being ok thanks to cousins because they don't have or don't want to be a part of a broader social community...which is unfortunate because strong communities are healthy regardless of the number of children that you have. I don't comment much on this topic these days but those of us with those communities aren't on Reddit as much trying to justify our decisions...and the same applies for parents with any number of kids. Happy, active, social families aren't on here commenting much so you see the struggles of all sides more.
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u/ImmediateProbs Jul 01 '24
Those people you're connecting with, no matter who, are some one's kid. Some people need to have children for any of us to have connections. Most people are social creatures. I do agree with you though that happy people aren't on here trying to justify one side or another. I just noticed a theme on that thread and in the OAD subreddit that there's a lot of people justifying their decision for OAD based on cousins or the spouse of their older only having a lot of siblings.
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u/so-called-engineer Jul 01 '24
Oh I hope I didn't come off as anti-natalist or not supporting people having multiples if they want it or something, people absolutely need kids to support a community. I just don't think it needs to be in the nuclear family necessarily. I'm actually a mod for the OAD subreddit and I constantly try to push back that argument because the cousin solution is only valid for one generation! Of course the childfree movement is growing but still, having one guarantees it, at least on their side of the family.
IMO if you're going to have one you should teach your kid how to branch outside of the family more - but then I'm probably being radical based on the way society is these days. There was actually a post today by someone that clearly has social anxiety and the top comment is basically advising them to seek help because they're actively holding back their kid. OAD is a lifestyle that requires more work to socialize your kid and I'm writing this here in case others on the fence are not taking that into consideration. But ultimately any number can work from 1 to whatever number as long as you are meeting your child's needs. :)
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u/newbie04 Jun 30 '24
I always chuckle when OADers extol the wonders of cousins because their grandchildren are less likely to have any thanks to them.
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u/Scruter Jun 30 '24
You got some good responses but I do have to say that I think Reddit as a whole is very biased towards childfree and fewer children in general. If the AskWomenOver60 sub is similar to the AskWomenOver30 sub, this is definitely true. You'll notice on that thread that the comments in favor of another are downvoted pretty heavily. I also just have to say how much I dislike and disagree with the sentiment that being on the fence or being unsure weigh in favor of not. This is a common cliche on Reddit and is just not true - fear and doubt and anxiety are normal but are often not the best guide for big life decisions. Having worries about something does not mean you should not do it.