Lost my baby girl at 20th week

[u/eatbiryani24_7]

Hi, just feeling devastated and felt like just pouring my heart out here. Please read it till the end..

I got married recently in Dec and we were not planning for a baby atleast for a year. But in Jan we found out that we were pregnant. We were shocked but then decided to continue after listening to baby’s heartbeat in the ultrasound.
Since we were recently married, we had moved to a different city and only me and my husband lived together. My husband used to work till late night, so almost all the days it was just me and the baby. I used to go for walks, listen to music, sing for the baby and what not. Even we both started dreaming about our future with the baby which made us feel very blissful. But at times I was getting thoughts like maybe I won’t get much time to spend with my husband after our baby arrives, and sometimes get questions if this is too early for us but always believed that the baby is god‘s gift and everything is going according to god’s plan itself.

One day my husband was feeling a bit feverish but then I slept next to him inspite of him asking me to stay away. Then the next day I caught cold which eventually turned into cough. The cough was severe for more than a week but I refrained from taking strong medicines since I did not want anything to harm the baby.

After 4-5 days of severe coughing, I started noticing relatively high discharge and kept on texting my doctor. I just wanted to go and get the scan done, don’t know why. Finally my doctor asked me to get blood test for CRP. We then found out that CRP was 19 and the doctor asked me to visit her for checkup. I went alone and when the doctor checked, she told me that the cervix is completely open and there is very very high chance of miscarriage. The doctor then called my husband and told that she can do cerclage immediately but the chances are still very low. I wanted to save the baby at any cost so I went ahead.

The doctor performed cerclage the same day and suggested me to take complete bed rest. I then requested them to do anomaly scan there itself as i wont be able to travel again for that. They did the scan on an evening and the baby was very healthy. Since the baby’s position was not upright, they could not check the facial features and heart. So the remaining half scan was scheduled for the next day after which I was supposed to be discharged. At night I felt like a lot of discharge came out but did not think much because I was very positive. In the morning while doing scan, they told that the water has broke and the baby won’t be able to survive. I was so heartbroken because even on that day, baby was responding to my husband’s voice.

Then my stitches were removed and pain was induced. They pulled the baby out and told me that it was a girl. My husband saw her and then told me that she was like me, had my nose and eyes. I couldn’t stop crying because I couldn’t say goodbye to her. All this happened three days ago. I still feel the guilt that my body could not provide a safe environment for her to grow. We wanted her so badly and this loss feels so unreal.

My husband also went to the cremation ground and told me that the ground was in the area whose name was the same name out of many which we had thought for our daughter. We then named her the same.

I still feel that our life is incomplete without her. It’s not even been 6 months to our married life and so many things happened. Sometimes I feel like maybe I could have avoided the cough which could have caused this and she would still be with us. So many thoughts run in the mind and I don’t think we will ever be able to forget this in our life.

I still try to think that she came into our life for a reason but I’m not able to justify it. Also I’m already worried about my future pregnancies as I love kids a lot and have dreamt of having a lot of kids. But the world turned upside down in a moment for us. At times I also feel that maybe because we were not sure in the beginning about her, she left us. I just don’t know what to do. Just filled with grief and guilt.

[u/Suspicious_Project24]

I am so so sorry for your loss ❤️ all your baby ever knew was love and there is absolutely NOTHING you did to cause this. Be gentle with yourself and each other.

[u/Successful-Topic6233]

This is not your fault mama. I am so sorry for your loss. You did everything you could to protect your baby but these things just happen. Last year I had a missed miscarriage just 4 months into my (new) marriage and I just knew my life was over. I kept asking why me ? I cried everyday for about 3 months and didn’t think I would be able to survive but the truth is YOU WILL ❤️ it will get easier. You will never forget her but it WILL hurt less. Do not blame your self it is not your fault. Take care of your mind and body and focus on yourself. You are still a Mama and you still have her such a beautiful home. Trust me, you will smile again and it will get easier.

[u/book_and_baking]

Please don’t blame yourself💚 it’s just a coincidence that you got sick around the same time time. You did not cause your cervical issue with a cold, don’t let yourself spiral down that path💚 lots of women that deal with IC don’t know until it’s too late. I didn’t know I broke my own water thinking I was having a bowel movement. I also thought it was my fault for a long time, but our bodies are just different than other women’s. It’s unfortunate but true that they usually can’t tell until we experience problems like this. Give yourself grace and time to grieve and heal with your husband and when you’re ready to try again, you now have the knowledge to take precautions and have a successful pregnancy. Your baby spent 20 weeks being protected and loved by you and that is so important to remember. Your little girl will always be in your heart and she will always be special because you will never forget her. The road ahead is not easy, lean on your partner, let him lean on you, let yourself feel all the feelings and focus on building yourself back up. The community on this page is amazing so keep coming back to the ladies here and let them help you, I can’t express how much this page has helped me. There will be a day when this doesn’t feel so heavy and you’re ready to try again, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust in yourself that you can and will get there. I’m so sorry for your loss, I hope you are surrounded by your loved ones and support through this devastating time. Remember that even thought it sometimes feels like it won’t, the sun will shine again.

[u/OvenDry2198]

So sorry for your loss mama bear ❣️ future pregnancies a cerclage should be placed between 12-14 weeks before the cerclage you should be put on progesterone and some continue it after cerclage is placed or most people like me are told to stop and let the cerclage do its jobs IC can be a very hard thing to catch and I hate that mine wasn’t caught in time for my first pregnancy and I loss him at 19 weeks I was already 10cm dilated with his water bag sitting in my vaginal canal so i was no candidate for a cerclage please take time to grieve and heal just remember it’s not your fault so don’t blame yourself

[u/Tinywrenn]

I’m very sorry for your loss. I lost my first son at 19+3. My second son is 10 months old today. There is hope for you, though I know it doesn’t take away the pain of losing your precious baby.

Your cough did not cause this to happen. You are absolutely not to blame; you had no way of knowing.

[u/Prestigious_Shape427]

I had a similar experience a couple wks ago - catching a cold (slight cough) then cervix changed and I went into labor losing my baby at 17 w. Pls tell me if your doctor shares any linkage with the cold or cough although my doctors here in the US don’t believe it could be caused by the cold.

I feel the pain you go through 3 days after the process but I can tell you 2 weeks into the mc, things get just a little better day by day. Focus on your physical recovery and mentally give yourself the space to grieve.

My husband and I were close but the experience somehow brought us even closer together. I hope you and your husband do too. Take your time to heal and look forward to your married experiences.

[u/snatchsquatch87]

I'm so sorry, OP. Just want to echo what other posters said.... do NOT blame yourself. You likely have incompetent cervix and the cough may have accelerated issues, but absolutely does not cause dilation on a healthy, normal cervix. It's such a horrible way to find out that you have IC, and i'm very sorry. I also lost a 17 weeker before finding out I had IC. Take all the time you need to grieve her, she will always be part of your story as a family. I think it's wonderful you named her! I actually have two, healthy living girls now. For christmas, my husband got me a necklace with the intials of all three girls on it... so even if you do choose to have future children (with preventative cerclages this time), your first will still be remembered and cherished!

[u/Nice-Rice-3453 → u/snatchsquatch87]

the cough absolutely did not. IC has nothing to do with catching a cold! OP, please please don’t go that spiral. i did it too when i lost my baby due to possible ascending infection “could it have been x,y, or z? did i not take enough rest when i was sick? was it the cough i got at 10 weeks?” this dangerous and not healthy in anyway. your baby is special and she will always be your first girl ❤️ her siblings will remember her and you will meet her in heaven. she wasn’t meant to live with you in this life. but truly all she knew was comfort and love. the journey to healing will take time but trust me you will be ok and you’ll slowly feel like yourself again ❤️

[u/Classic-Host-5279]

Hey mama, I lost my 25 weeker and then again 21 weeker due to IC. I’m very sorry for your loss and I know exactly how you are feeling. It’s a roller coaster of emotions. I’d meet with MFM, before trying again, talk about a preventative cerclage. With my preventative cerclage I have brought two babies home full term.🤍 sending you lots of love and comfort. Here if you need an ear

[u/Suitable-Factor8127]

My heart absolutely breaks for you reading this 😢❤️‍🩹 I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this, it’s just devastating.

The cold itself wouldn’t have caused this. What’s happened was that cervix was most likely too short to begin with to support the pregnancy, and the coughing would have put additional pressure on the cervix each time you coughed, and this would then have had an impact on the cervix causing it to dilate. You can’t have known this though, so it’s not your fault! Have you ever had treatment on your cervix to get rid of abnormal cells? Such as having abnormal cells burnt off? The doctors / nurses don’t tell you this at the time, but this will shorten your cervix, and can therefore cause issues in pregnancy, as the cervix naturally shortens with the weight of the uterus in pregnancy. So if this is something you’ve had, they should have been checking your cervix length earlier. However, some people do just have a naturally shorter cervix than others.

Have them measure your cervix early on in your next pregnancy, so they know how soon to place the cerclage. If they place it before any rupture of membranes, or opening of the cervix, there’s an extremely high chance of success of making it to 37 weeks; around 70-75%, and there’s around a 95% chance you’d make it to 28 weeks. So really positive statistics there.

I’m so sorry for your loss, sending all my love and prayers your way ❤️‍🩹❤️