Discarded like yesterdays trash.

[u/eversolo8]

I should probably stop trying to make sense of this but its been 2 months since my SO kicked me out and I just can't stop. I just cannot understand how after 30 years of marriage one can just decide "I don't want to be married anymore" and toss you out like the trash. Didn't shed a single tear, didn't care if I was dead or alive, didn't care that I had no place to go, clearly was fine with me being on the streets. Just didn't care about me in any way what so ever. How? How can anyone be capable of this? I don't know who she is anymore. Did she only show her true colors after 30 years? The worst part is there was no warnings, everything seemed fine right up to the day I woke up and she was gone. Later to be served papers telling me to leave my home (yes I know legally she can't do this) but I didn't want to be where I wasn't wanted, it hurt way too much. She just said she wasn't happy anymore, and yes, I get that, I wasn't either and I was suffering from depression and anxiety. But wouldn't normally a discussion take place? Like talk about wanting a separation etc etc? Or heaven forbid, even trying to fix things? I will forever be stunned that a human who told me she loved me right up to the day she was gone could do such a thing. I don't think I will ever want to love anyone again. Shattered.

[u/Glittering-Ad-1367]

Its easy to be mad.

I had to go through and analyze it. How did she become a monster overnight.

Well she didn't. She built up a narrative in her head over years. She didn't express that narrative. She gave vague hints. She became slightly grumpier. She got slightly more defensive about minor things. I figured it was arthritis and aging. So I just continued to love her.

To her, she was screaming her "complaints". It was loud in her head, but not externally.

When I did ask her directly what was going on with her, she didn't "stir the pot". Why? Because she felt she wasn't ready for it to end financially and couldn't survive yet. So she felt like she could not do an "ultimatum". She saw it as practical survival to say "I'm fine"...but it was gaslighting.

She finally convinced herself to check out completely. In her mind she had convinced herself I didn't really love her anyway and would probably be relieved when she left. So no harm.

She got plans in order. When she was sure she could survive on her own she informed me and it was done and there was no opportunity for me to fix it or do a damn thing.

She was literally shocked that I was devastated. None of my reactions fit what she had imagined in her head.

She was shocked when I still loved her and treated her as the love of my life. I still helped her, cared about her, loved her.

But she had already killed it in herself and there was no way to turn around. She kept up the hard boundary.

One time she had a weakness for a moment and acknowledged she had fooled herself.

So its a tragedy. Its a tragedy of communication. Its a tragedy of not trusting love enough to speak directly to it.

In the end, I am not mad. I am sorry that this happened to her. I am sorry that she got lost. I'm sorry I can't help her. I'm sorry I didn't see it.

I still look at our decades as the greatest gift of my life. She can't think about it all really without regret so she doesn't think about it.

It is so easy to be mad. But she really lost more than I did. She lost her way, her love, herself, her memories.

So I empathize greatly with her. I hope someday she is able to look back and see some of it the way I do.

Some of you who are facing this, particularly those with very long marriages who had a similar dynamic, you should try to not fall into the anger.

It's too easy. It doesn't help you. Just because your partner killed something within themselves doesn't mean you have to kill something in yourself.

[u/eversolo8 → u/Glittering-Ad-1367]

I'm not angry in the least, just hurt, sad, and in pain. Much of what you wrote there I think fits the bill in my case too. She must have been planning, and checked out long ago.

[u/Glittering-Ad-1367 → u/eversolo8]

I've said that I decided to keep the pain to keep the beauty. She chose to throw away the beauty to throw away the pain. Unfortunately you can't separate them, they come as a package.

I think I made the right choice.

I won't lie. It has been a long nightmare road. Overwhelming at times. But I tried to do the right things and I continued to do my duty through a long separation and keep my promises even if she couldn't. I told her I was going to do that until she decided she wanted someone to audition for my role and I did that. It wasn't fun or easy.

But now that its over I have my self-respect. My kids respect what I did, our friends do, her family does. Those things are valuable to me.

I wish you the best. Its rough. But there are things to learn and wisdom to be gained. Just make sure you come out the other end a better person....for you.

[u/EmptyWishbone8449 → u/eversolo8]

I am in the same situation, only reversed. It was my husband of 21 years who decided he was done. We separated several months ago and I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. The worst part is he just says we’re not compatible without giving me a chance to work on things to better myself and the relationship. I feel like he’s built this scenario in his head and there’s no coming back. We don’t communicate great but I feel like some of the things he’s complaining about he just kept inside and now I’ve been given no opportunity to address them. He claims we’ve tried and I don’t really feel like we have. I’m at a loss. I just can’t see how someone can give up on two decades without giving it a fighting chance. There’s no cheating (to my knowledge) or abuse and I do love my husband.

[u/eversolo8 → u/EmptyWishbone8449]

it would seem you and I are in the exact same place. she never gave me a chance to try to fix anything, kept it all inside as well, right up to the day. I wanted to fight for the marriage but she just gave up.

[u/Few_Date_4106 → u/EmptyWishbone8449]

I could have written this myself. Exact same scenario as what my husband did to me. I'd love someone to chat with if you want to DM me. It's been extremely hard.

[u/MiscellaneousChic → u/EmptyWishbone8449]

This sounds very familiar to my husband, except we were married less than a year and I was 5 months pregnant when he left me.