r/Separation • u/eversolo8 • 4d ago
Discarded like yesterdays trash.
I should probably stop trying to make sense of this but its been 2 months since my SO kicked me out and I just can't stop. I just cannot understand how after 30 years of marriage one can just decide "I don't want to be married anymore" and toss you out like the trash. Didn't shed a single tear, didn't care if I was dead or alive, didn't care that I had no place to go, clearly was fine with me being on the streets. Just didn't care about me in any way what so ever. How? How can anyone be capable of this? I don't know who she is anymore. Did she only show her true colors after 30 years? The worst part is there was no warnings, everything seemed fine right up to the day I woke up and she was gone. Later to be served papers telling me to leave my home (yes I know legally she can't do this) but I didn't want to be where I wasn't wanted, it hurt way too much. She just said she wasn't happy anymore, and yes, I get that, I wasn't either and I was suffering from depression and anxiety. But wouldn't normally a discussion take place? Like talk about wanting a separation etc etc? Or heaven forbid, even trying to fix things? I will forever be stunned that a human who told me she loved me right up to the day she was gone could do such a thing. I don't think I will ever want to love anyone again. Shattered.
4
u/Several-Okra-2026 3d ago
I have been married 30+ years and am considering separation from my husband. He is my only sexual partner, and I have never considered separation or divorce until probably the last year.
I feel without a doubt that he could write your letter after we talk. I don't know your situation... It could be nothing like mine. But, for you and others who feel blindsided, at least think about my words. Don't automatically make excuses if something resonates with you. Don't automatically assume that if your spouse didn't complain about something, they were ok with it.
We both work full time. Have a young adult child with serious mental health concerns still living with us as they work toward independence. He has been a supportive and somewhat involved parent. His parenting hasn't been an issue. What has:
1) he doesn't communicate with me. If we talk, he talks at me. He is no longer curious or interested in who I am or my thoughts, beliefs, and passions. Emotional intimacy is gone.
2) he barely participates in maintaining a reasonable quality of life. Our first decade of marriage I would ask for help every few months. Second decade I tried asking for his help, being specific, and reminding him. Third decade I tried lists, talking, reminding, having him pick the few things he felt he could do consistently. The last couple of years I just do most of it. Occasionally I will specifically ask him to " clean the kitchen before I get home" or "vaccuum the living room". Occasionally he does it. Frequently he forgets. Or falls asleep. Etc.
I manage the finances, do the taxes, make the appointments, schedule the home repairs.
3)His personal hygiene has suffered. He stopped brushing his teeth years and years ago. He's reduced the frequency of his showers to the point where I don't know the last time he took one. Maybe weeks at this point. Fortunately, he doesn't usually get BO. But, he works outside, so knowing what's on him-sweat, chemicals, etc-squigs me out.
4) intimacy has waned. I've talked to him about #3 and it's impact on #4. We've had difficulties in the bedroom because sex was very painful, but I've always tried to work on it. Since I hit 50, my libido has increased and getting off birth control has significantly improved my body's response to stimulation. While important, physical intimacy is the least of my worries.
5) our political views no longer align. In fact, they're becoming directly opposite from each other. In today's ever increasing polarized world, this can be a huge deal. I've always appreciated talking politics and current events and we no longer do so, because I cannot respect his views, making it very hard to respect him.
We have discussed this. He does not understand why I am vehemently opposed to most of his way of thinking. I may have been married to him for over 30 years, but I've held my core beliefs, values and ideals even longer than that.
6) I've tried everything short of counseling or giving an ultimatum. We've talked about these things, I've written him letters telling him I love him and lining out what I needed from him. I've always asked what he needs from me and tried to give that to him. I don't do ultimatums. I might consider counseling, but he would have to handle the whole thing.
Here's the rub. Any ONE of these could be grounds for divorce or separation. I have tried to address them all in the last two years at one time or another. The political issue complicates things completely, but I've tried to give our 30+ years an appropriate and generous weight toward staying together.
And... If there had been improvement in any ONE area, it would probably save our marriage. At least kept it alive longer.
He's a "good guy". Works hard. Not abusive. Decent looking, tells me he loves me frequently. He just doesn't show it.
My parents were married almost 60 years. I don't want to go 20 or 30 more years in this situation. At some point a person is just done. Over it.
When I bring it up, he'll be surprised. Just like he's surprised every other time I bring it up.
Maybe your spouse is the villain. But, I know this will ring true for many who read this post and are wondering how? Why? I am not perfect, and I have my own role in our marriage. But, I know I have done all in my power to name the issues and work toward improving. I can't carry the marriage by myself. Are there signs, and you've been blind to them?
Probably.
Good luck everyone.