Residual guilt and plans for baby #2

[u/fascinated_dog]

I'm struggling with some persistent guilt around formula feeding and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this.

My little one is almost 2 now, and we've been off formula since he turned 1. For the first few months, we did a combination of pumping and formula before switching to exclusively formula feeding at 4 months.

He's healthy, meeting all of his milestones, and a typical happy toddler. Logically, I know he's doing great. But I still find myself wondering why I didn't breastfeed longer or what I could have done differently to make it work.

Now that my husband and I are considering a second baby, those thoughts are coming up even more. I catch myself thinking things like, "I'll do it right next time" or "I won't give up so easily."

I know formula feeding was the right choice for our family at the time, but I can't seem to shake the guilt or the feeling that I somehow fell short. For those who have felt this way, how did you move past it?

[u/philliesgirl1234]

I actually think the guilt may be lesser the second time around!! I pumped for 9 months with my first and felt so guilty when i switched to formula. With my second who is currently 11 weeks old, i am pulled in even more directions and decided to formula feed much earlier on so anyone can feed the baby and i can still have time for my toddler! The guilt for me this time was when I was pumping and couldn’t hold or help my toddler.

[u/cat_power → u/philliesgirl1234]

Agreed! With my first I exclusively pumped for eight weeks until we switched to formula. She was a horrible latch and I was quite traumatized from the whole first week of breastfeeding that I absolutely did not want to put in the effort of trying again. Pumping was a lot of work and eventually my mental health couldn’t handle it.

My current baby is 2 weeks old and I knew from the start that we were gonna do a combo of formula, pumping and nursing if it worked out. Luckily he is a pretty good nursing baby and I would say half his feeds are breastmilk that I either pump or nurse directly. It’s a great middle ground where I don’t feel completely burnt out being the sole feeder and I can pump if I just don’t feel like nursing at the time.

[u/philliesgirl1234 → u/cat_power]

I love this! It took me til my second to realize oh wait - I don’t have to pick just one method of feeding and it’s so freeing to be able to adapt as needed!

[u/CalendarFit2458]

My first I exclusively breastfeed her until around 7 months. When she was 2 months old she started refusing my breast and would only take milk from the bottle, so I went to exclusively pumping. It was so hard and there were no quality time with her, but she started refusing my breast right at the time of the formula shortage. I did not produce enough and I was all the time anxious that I wouldn't have milk or find formula for her, I pumped all the time to try to get my supply up. At 7 months I started supplementing with formula and it was a great relief to be able to buy formula, but I still felt so guilty for starting to pump less. At 10 months my supply completely dry (I did not know yet, but I was already one month pregnant 😬)

With my second, I did no give him a bottle in the beginning so I wouldn't find myself in the same situation. My biggest regret ever. Again I did not produce enough, but this time my son would refuse a bottle, so I had to nurse him all the time. He did not nurse well, and I never been able to nurse in public. I nurse him for 13 months and I seriously regret that. I never had time for my oldest and missed so many of her firsts. My husband would go out with her while I was trapped in the house so I could nurse him every 2 hours or so. Even when I went with them, I would spend most of the time in the car. Not surprisingly I was seriously depressed and I had issues connecting with my son.

Two and half years later I had my third. Formula feed from day 1. Best thing ever. She is 5 weeks and the sweetest girl, always happy, she sleeps super well. Is gaining weight like a champ. I share nights with my husband and I can leave her with him to be with my other kids without having to worry about the clock. Everybody in the family is happy and everyone needs are getting met (and that includes my needs too). She is not hungry like my two oldest were, and barely cry (my older two would cry and cry 😢). Yesterday, we went to a farm for the kids to play with goats, I had a blast, I gave a bottle before leaving the house and she happily slept for several hours in the Carrier.

In the end, my biggest regret is to have breastfed 😂

[u/sookiestack]

You can always try BF again and see how far you get, but at the end of the day, you know your baby will be happy and healthy with breast milk or formula! You have the end result already in your life so you know it will end up right either way!

[u/West-Crazy3706]

With my first, I combo-fed/supplemented with formula early on, and eventually was able to EBF. With my second, I combo-fed early on, and quickly switched to EFF. I felt some twinge of guilt that she’s not getting the same experience as my first, but I’ve accepted that each child is going to have a different experience, and that’s ok! My first got more of my one-on-one attention and more contact naps, but my second gets the love and attention of a big sibling from the start. Formula feeding has also allowed me more freedom to have others help, and taken a burden off of me, physically and mentally.

As moms, we find a way to feel guilty no matter what choice we make, but in the end we’re doing our best, and our kids won’t remember whether they were EBF or EFF. They are getting your love either way!

[u/Amazing_Face4692]

There is truly nothing to be guilty about. You are so lucky and blessed to have a healthy 2 year old meeting all his milestones who is healthy and happy. There are plenty of exclusively breastfed babies that are not that lucky.

No baby ever knows how they were fed unless they’re on the breast for an ungodly number of years. They just know the love and comfort of their family.

[u/No_Judgment_7812]

I feel this so much. My 4 year old was on mostly formula by 4 months and all formula by 6 months. I had planned on exclusively breastfeeding for 6 months and I was always sorta jealous of women who could pull out a boob and soothe their baby and I told myself I was gonna do it “right” the second time if I got to have a second.

Now I have a three month old who I’m exclusively breastfeeding at the moment but it’s been a struggle from the start. She was born small just like my first so I had to triple feed for weeks and she chomps on my nipple and had a tongue tie which I finally had released and it really didn’t stop the pain. I go back to work on Monday and am realizing that there’s no way I’m going to be able to keep breastfeeding exclusively even though I’ll be working from home, my job simply doesn’t allow for it. So I suspect I’ll be in the same situation where I’m completely done breastfeeding in a few months. Pumping sucks. I’m gonna do it but I bet I won’t make enough. Anyway. I’m not sure why I commented since I have literally no advice lol. But you’re not alone in your feelings.

[u/Obvious-Tax-3812]

I had more guilt with my second because my first had a severe milk and soy protein allergy, but when I bring up this guilt to my husband, he reminds me that it’s easy to question myself now that I’m sleeping more, hormonally adjusted, and in a rhythm of having two kids. I breastfed for about 4ish weeks, then he went back to work on 12 hour shifts, so I switched. You can always give it a go for your next one and see how it goes! We want a third baby and I’m still going to try for that one too.

[u/lo--]

I had a lot of guilt doing formula instead of EBF for my first even though I knew formula was totally ok (I was formula fed too and I am fine) but I’m choosing to formula feed my second as well and I have no guilt over that decision.

[u/Secure-Resort2221]

I’m definitely having the same thought patterns when I think about having a second baby. I’m scared that if nursing doesn’t work out a second time (we are definitely NOT having more than 2, even 2 is iffy) that I would be devastated even more than the first go. I completely support all formula use I’m super grateful for it, it just wasn’t what I wanted but NICU and birth trauma and severe postpartum health complications and anxiety screwed me over. I don’t feel guilty for formula feeding because I know it helped him thrive, I feel grief for what I didn’t get to have with my baby