r/FormulaFeeders • u/less_is_more9696 • 2d ago
Rant / Vent š« My MIL told me I was a "wimp"
My son is almost 2, so I can't believe I'm still dealing with comments like this.
My in-laws had a party this weekend, and the topic of breastfeeding came up, since several new moms attended.
I commended this new mom for EBF; I told her that my son's feeding sessions were so long when he was a newborn, it was just too exhausting for me to be up every 2 hours for over 45 minutes.
My MIL cut in and said, "WIMP, I was up every 1-2 hours with [husband's name], I was so tired I was walking into poles during the day."
My MIL is normally a very nice woman, and we have a good relationship. I was totally caught off guard.
This hurt me so badly. I experienced such a tremendous amount of guilt over stopping breastfeeding, and it took me months to move past it. I still experience twinges of it when I see a mom happily breastfeeding an older infant, as I never made it to that stage.
I still get this nagging feeling that I am weak, that I didn't try hard enough or sacrifice myself enough for my baby. I know this is irrational, as he is almost 2 and thriving.
Like, yes, you are amazing for EBF. I was literally saying how in awe I am of women who go through that. But you don't have to call me a wimp.
,
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u/Another_gryffindor 2d ago
I want to tell you to move past it, and let it go, and that her comments are only a reflection on her planet sized superiority complex, but I too would be seriously hurt by this and would probably hold on to it for the rest of my life with every nice thing she does in the future coloured by this tiny moment. Being a human is just really hard like that sometimes.
What I can tell you, with absolute certainty, is that being so tired your walking into poles is the stupidest metric of success I've ever heard. Next time she says about something being hard ask her if its a 5 pole problem or 10. You're not a wimp, there's a reason sleep deprivation is a torture technique. It's globally accepted as a severe human rights violation and is condemned in international law.
I will say that I come from a culture where gentle ridicule is an expression of closeness and a way to bond. Balancing on the line can be hard. It may be that she comes from a similar background and didn't know this was such a sore subject for you. So many of us hide our grief over this topic, and only we seem to understand how deep the scars run. If you genuinely have a good relationship, maybe bring it up. Say whatever is in your heart and how much that hurt. Maybe she'll apologise or something, or maybe she'll weaponoze it again in the future, but this time you can tell her to go walk into a pole :)
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u/AlSun0801 2d ago
Love this comment and all of its acknowledging of what it is to be emotion-filled (aka human).
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u/SinnySen 2d ago
Exactly this. I was going to say my response to her would have been, āok maybe wimpy (???) but what you just described sounds negligent lol. Maybe even wimpy since it sounds like you succumbed to societal and patriarchal pressure. Considering how you just jumped in on me like that, Iām wondering if youāre holding onto some old resentment that you need to work through there? I love you and am happy to listen. Iām just glad weāve evolved to a place I could choose being a mentally healthy (non-sleep deprived) mom!ā
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u/SinnySen 2d ago
Coming back to say, Iām actually kind of enraged on your behalf. I struggled with BF and switched to formula after a month (this year). I was surprised that all of the mother figures in my life (mom, multiple MILs, aunts, coworkers) were the ones who encouraged me to let it go for my own sanity. If anything, it was all of my friends (in their 30s) who were pushing nursing/pumping so hard.
Iām sorry your MIL isnāt being supportive and I really hope all the comments from us internet strangers really helps you see just how wimpy **you are not**
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u/dioor 2d ago
Iām just going to go ahead and put this here, even if it sounds kind of bitter ā youāll just have to trust me that thatās not the place itās coming from, I really just feel this way:
I donāt think thereās anything impressive or selfless or sacrificial about breastfeeding. Some women really want that experience. Pragmatically, itās less expensive and can offer some other subjective benefits. So, some women do put a lot of effort into breastfeeding but thatās because itās something they want to do, for themselves. It deserves the same amount of credit anything anyone does as a mom ā no more and no less.
If someoneās choosing to breastfeed and itās so tolling and theyāre getting so little sleep theyāre walking into poles during the day, that person would do well to offer their baby a couple bottles of formula and get themselves some sleep. Thatās not a safe way to be caring for a baby.
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u/missmeggums 2d ago
I am always advocating combo feeding to women who are struggling to exclusively breastfeed. It's like they need someone to give them permission and they feel like they failed if they don't. It's not worth your sanity. But also it's not like someone is going to give you a trophy? Your baby was fed regardless of if it drove you insane or not should probably choose to be happier.
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u/dioor 2d ago
My immediate thought to that is āI canāt imagine even remotely suspecting my baby wasnāt getting enough to eat and not supplementing,āBUTā¦ Iām saying that with the luxury of being way down the line here with my 12mo. Postpartum hormones make women do and believe absolutely insane things, and we just arenāt talking enough about that or giving enough genuine support as a society. Thatās the #1 thing this whole formula/breastfeeding thing has taught me.
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u/spitfire-monk 2d ago
I would hardly consider growing a baby for 10 months and then risking your own life to have it weak. Youāre doing great, you are a badass ā regardless of how long you BF for. Itās easier said than done, but please donāt beat yourself up. ā¤ļø
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u/glutenfreethenipple 2d ago
What a rude thing to say. Also, thatās dangerous to be sleep-deprived enough that youāre walking into poles. That doesnāt sound safe for her or baby.
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u/steppygirl 2d ago
I wish people would STFU. Itās a personal choice. I formula fed but I also ran a marathon at 11 months pp. I can assure you Iām not a wimp and neither are you!
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u/Legitimate_Buy_8134 2d ago
EBF is hard work and I do commend those who can manage it BUT that doesn't mean that those who didn't for whatever reason were somehow weaker for not being able to do it. Women like your MIL can be proud that they managed to nurse without making a judgement on women who didn't as lesser. If I were being generous I'd say it comes from a place or not understanding truly how difficult the struggle can be when things don't work out, else women like your MIL would not put their foots in their mouths like this.
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u/apple_kitty24 2d ago
Did you tell your husband? Mine would flip out and absolutely tear his mom a new one over something like that. Thats such a nasty old person thing to say. Your son is happy and fed. Thatās what matters. I never even tried to breastfeed. I knew it would go badly for my mental health and my MIL did try to say something about it but my husband put his foot down and said itās not her child and she has 0 say in the matter and she can keep her opinions to herself.
You donāt have to sacrifice yourself for your children. They need you at your best and if that means formula then so be it. Honestly, kudos to you for knowing you had to switch and NOT running yourself into the ground.
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u/DumbbellDiva92 2d ago
Yeah, my husband totally yelled at his dad for a comment that wasnāt even nearly as bad as OPās MIL (was kind of thoughtless/offhanded, but not outright antagonistic).
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u/Local_Pangolin854 2d ago
What in the b word. Nobody asked you, oldie. Ugh I hate MILs that never help but has so much to say
You are an amazing mom. Donāt let her crush you. And donāt let her see your child anymore lol remember you are the mom šøš¼
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u/jamierosem 2d ago
EBF is no more amazing than formula feeding. Weāre all keeping infants with no instruction manuals going. Thatās amazing no matter how you feed them. Donāt put one type of feeding on a pedestal. Weāre all facing our own unique challenges and deserve to be celebrated.
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u/PermanentTrainDamage 2d ago
Sounds like MIL doesn't need to be around the children if she doesn't agree with your parenting choices. Save her the stress of having to disagree.
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u/AlSun0801 2d ago
You are not a wimp. You are prioritizing your well being. It is such a beautiful example to set for your children. As if self sacrifice is the ticket to being a good mom. Iām still wondering all the time how weāve gotten to a place of morality around how one chooses to feed their baby.
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u/AlSun0801 2d ago
Maybe her walking into poles in the postpartum time has damaged her ability to decide when to keep comments like that to herself.
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u/UsedAd7162 2d ago
Imagine being proud to announce you were so tired that it got to a dangerous point. All for the sake of bragging. Youāre nicer than me because I would have called her out directly (politely, but firmly).
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u/Secure-Resort2221 2d ago
Mothers (as in grandmothers) are often the fucking worst, my mother included. My mother basically spent my entire life judging qnd shaming any moms who didnāt ebf. It felt great hearing her voice constantly in my head when I had to formula feed so I didnāt die. Needless to say Iām ultra low contact now. Also going to come back to this I have more to say but my toddler is harassing me
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u/Impressive-You-1699 2d ago
I find the competition thing in motherhood SO weird.
Someone is always more tired, dealing with more crying, having a harder time feeding, blah blah blah. Who hurt yāall?? Damn. And why are you coming for me? Weāre on the same side here.
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u/missmeggums 2d ago
When MIL was a freshly postpartum mom at the hospital they took the baby and put them in the nursery so she could sleep. Wow real WEAK. She couldn't even take care of her baby the moment he was born š Maybe if they had put my baby in the nursery during my entire hospital visit I could have had the energy to wake up every 2-3h when I got home too. Smh don't let her get to you, she's probably exaggerating and doesn't remember hardly any of her postpartum experience.
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u/ravencrawr 2d ago
I was thinking of the nursery thing just the other day! It's a wild concept now. I had 2 nights in hospital after a c-section and felt it was kind of a blessing to have midwives changing baby's nappy when they came to do their checks. But everything was on myself and my husband otherwise!
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u/missmeggums 2d ago
I was in the hospital for 6 days total, emergency c-section, on oxygen, blood loss, struggling to breastfeed. My husband was helping best he could but I couldn't get out of bed. I felt immense guilt for checking her in to the nursery twice for a few hours. We are too hard on ourselves. Meanwhile back in the day it was the norm for the baby to be wheeled to the nursery every night.
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u/ravencrawr 2d ago
You just reminded me a midwife offered to wheel baby out to their desk for an hour or so during the first night when I'd sent my husband home to sleep on a bed (unplanned section here too so we'd both been awake over a day during labour). I felt too guilty to accept but I wish I did! No one ever mentioned a nursery was an option at that hospital š¤
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u/Top_Foundation9711 2d ago
What probably hurts most is that you didnt expect it coming from her, either way you are doing great, the guilt feeling is totally nornal you want the best for your kid and that also means your internal compass is totally in the right direction just need to balance it off to stay mentally ok to go through this until it gets better!
Best of luck you are doing great!
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u/leggo_my_meggo90 2d ago
Man, this would have really hurt me too, even if your MIL meant no harm. Try to be extra kind to yourself today
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u/TrollSalt 2d ago
This sounds like total Gramnesia. Older generations always had it harder/worked harder/their babies were different blah blah blah. I bet she carried him up hill both ways too.
Nothing about babies is easy. My baby literally would not latch or nurse, so would have to feed her bottles and then pump afterwards as I was trying to combo feed her in those early days. It was hellish and I could not have done it had my husband not also been helping feed her at night so I could mostly pump while he did her bottle.
Your baby was fed and is happy, you are not weak for choosing to be a mentally healthy mother for a baby who knew no different.