r/Ex_Foster • u/nurplewurple • 6d ago
How to replicate paternal support ?
Hi All, sorry if this childish and been asked maybe before, but when giving the advice to find support systems how do you find one that’s actually enough ? i have plenty of friends and a boyfriend of nearly two years and a sister i’m really close with , but none of it seems to be enough. i keep crying lately and im filled with such anxiety and i dont know how to feel better. my grandpartents fostered my sister and i 5 years after we went into foster care and we stayed there until i moved out at 19 for college because my government pays for those who were in the systems accommodation during college. these past 3 years (im 22) have been so lonely and my grandmother specifically said when i was leaving “im so ready to be done taking care of people“ and it hurt a lot. i want to reach out to them and ask if they can treat me a bit more similarly like when i lived with them (like a child i guess ?? god i feel ridiculous) but im so anxious of putting myself out there and realising maybe they don’t want to. Im rambling cos im crying typing this so im sorry for how this is formatted and i dont really even know how to ask the question to find the answer i need. i just feel so lost and alone. how do i feel better
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u/trippingcherry 6d ago
I'm almost 38 so I've been out of FC for a long time, but I can't say I have all the answers. I don't know that the longing for a normal mother and father ever truly goes away, but as I got older I slowly just accepted it for what it was. I think the hardest but most important lesson I learned after foster care is that there really isn't anyone ever coming to save me and that if I want my life to be different it's up to me to make that happen. Sounds really harsh, and I don't mean it that way, but I think accepting that is really what got me into a better place emotionally.
What I can say is that don't do what I did at your age which is seek validation and support through romantic relationships, especially much older men. When I was your age I was dating a man over 24 years older than me and in hindsight I was looking for a father figure. Anytime I saw that sort of support from a romantic it ended very poorly for me.
As cliche as it is, learning to love yourself first i's super important. If you're able to access counseling sometimes just having a therapist talk to and learn healthy coping mechanisms can make a big difference. Continuing to invest in yourself, and making strong platonic friendships is also important.