Intrusive suicidal thoughts while exercising?

[u/heycoolbug]

hi everyone, first time discovering this community, pls delete it if it’s inappropriate. I’m finally trying to become less sedentary now because my endurance and physical strength are frankly embarrassing, I want to improve them. I like going on nature walks but some days I get too afraid to go outside so I’m trying to find alternatives I can do at home. also in general I know that while walking is great I need to diversify from just cardio.

the problem is if I do any even moderate intensity exercise (I have a stepper machine, 5 lb weights I lift, and a yoga mat to do ab exercises) I get an onslaught of constant suicidal thoughts, plus cruel self deprecating ones too. this sounds really pathetic but I can only do like 5 minutes before I break down crying. I get these thoughts sporadically other times too, I have no desire to actually die, it’s more an intrusive thought like I put in the title. but when I exercise it’s constant, even if I listen to music I just hear my brain screaming “kill yourself” again and again and so many other horrible things. I try to push past it but it just gets worse so I inevitably give up.

I’ve struggled with compulsive exercising before so that’s probably part of it. I used to be doing 20k steps every day plus strength exercise in the morning, now I’m fat and can’t do anything without crying. I just feel stuck. I could probably stick to walking since that only very rarely causes the thoughts, but I wanted to see if anyone had any experience getting through this or ideas to make higher intensity exercise bearable.

thank you everyone and I hope you’re having an okay day :)

[u/Celeste_Minerva]

Have you been able to seek professional help for the thoughts?

I'm not a professional in that regard, but I'm wondering if the increased activity is spurring a "fight or flight" feeling and you may have some other internal figuring out to do? Compulsive thinking patterns?

Interesting inquiry! Thank you

[u/heycoolbug → u/Celeste_Minerva]

thank you for your reply, it could definitely be some kind of fight or flight reaction! I don't exactly feel panicked but the rushing thoughts that lead to the intense desire to stop/get out of that situation do kind of remind me of that. also yes I have been trying to start talking to a therapist recently, just have been through so many first few sessions with different ppl and none of them seem to listen 😅

[u/puppyearmuffs → u/heycoolbug]

Hey Coolbug! I experienced this a few years ago, I didn’t have insurance and didn’t really know why it was happening (I kind of knew) but found so much relief talking to someone on the national hotline. You can call the hotline and talk about this ideation, you don’t need to be on the edge and honestly it probably makes the conversation easier. They were very generous and we spoke for a few hours and after I felt a great relief. And the ideation went away too. 988 is the number, and they can help with this