Intrusive suicidal thoughts while exercising?

[u/heycoolbug]

hi everyone, first time discovering this community, pls delete it if it’s inappropriate. I’m finally trying to become less sedentary now because my endurance and physical strength are frankly embarrassing, I want to improve them. I like going on nature walks but some days I get too afraid to go outside so I’m trying to find alternatives I can do at home. also in general I know that while walking is great I need to diversify from just cardio.

the problem is if I do any even moderate intensity exercise (I have a stepper machine, 5 lb weights I lift, and a yoga mat to do ab exercises) I get an onslaught of constant suicidal thoughts, plus cruel self deprecating ones too. this sounds really pathetic but I can only do like 5 minutes before I break down crying. I get these thoughts sporadically other times too, I have no desire to actually die, it’s more an intrusive thought like I put in the title. but when I exercise it’s constant, even if I listen to music I just hear my brain screaming “kill yourself” again and again and so many other horrible things. I try to push past it but it just gets worse so I inevitably give up.

I’ve struggled with compulsive exercising before so that’s probably part of it. I used to be doing 20k steps every day plus strength exercise in the morning, now I’m fat and can’t do anything without crying. I just feel stuck. I could probably stick to walking since that only very rarely causes the thoughts, but I wanted to see if anyone had any experience getting through this or ideas to make higher intensity exercise bearable.

thank you everyone and I hope you’re having an okay day :)

[u/rob_cornelius]

Well I had a good nights sleep. I hope you did too.

First of all you are not alone in experiencing this. Far from it in fact.

Secondly, and it should have been first really. If you are able to please go and see your doctor. They are best placed to give you real help. We are just well meaning random internet strangers who have read a few paragraphs of text after all. What ever you do don't ask so called "AI" about your mental health, it doesn't care about anything or anyone.

Like everything else with mental health what you are experiencing may well have multiple causes. Our bodies, brains and minds are incredibly complex and just messy. Our bodies are not machines and our minds certainly are not. We are not predictable in the same way as a V8 engine is. Having said that a doctor is better at predicting our bodies and minds than random strangers.

Right... no more caveats.

I have a little phrase I use a lot here. It goes as follows.

Do what you can. Do it when you can. Keep trying.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you should stick to walking. Right now it doesn't have to be far or fast. Even a walk around the block is good. If you can get out into some green space or more natural environment then that is an added bonus. When you walk try to leave your phone behind. At the least put it on do not disturb, mute all the alerts etc and try to leave it in your pocket. Try to see your walks as "me time" so that means no distractions. Also try to notice whats going on around you, especially if you are in a green space. You don't have to know the Latin names for plants, "that is a pretty flower" is good. The same goes for a more urban environment. Just find things interesting. Architecture can be fascinating for a start.

If you don't want to go outside you can walk laps around your house. Back in COVID times a French guy ran a marathon on his balcony but that is taking it to extremes, please don't do that. How about some Yoga With Adriene? 13 million subscribers can't all be wrong. She has some great chair yoga too. Practically everyone can benefit from starting stretching and moulding mobility. You can do a few simple stretches while waiting for your coffee.

When you get back from your walk or do any exercise at all put a big X on the date in the calendar. You have just had a magnificent victory over your mental health issues. That deserves a celebration! Try to tell yourself "That wasn't so bad after all.", "I enjoyed that" and "I want to do that again soon". Be proud of yourself.

You don't have to do it again the next day either. If you go for one short walk in a week that is still better than zero walks. Maybe do the same walk for a month or more, again not far or fast. Then you get to notice things changing along your route too which makes it more interesting. Or you could really explore your neighbourhood. If you walk a bit further or push a little harder with some yoga and the intrusive thoughts come back then scale things back again. You have plenty of time on your side. Don't rush. Experiment on yourself basically. Also tell your doc what works and what doesn't.

Also no matter what you do shit happens sooner or later. Shit happening is more important than regular exercise. All anyone can do is deal with the shit the best they can and get back to regular exercise when the shit is gone. Beating yourself up for missing out on exercise when times are shitty just makes it harder to deal with the shit and makes its effects worse. When you are in the shit put regular exercise to one side and get back to it once the shit is gone. Exercise is always there waiting for you.

TL;DR Try to see a doctor. Scale things right back until you find a level that keeps the intrusive thoughts away. Slowly build up over months. Be careful. Celebrate each of your magnificent victories. Acknowledge that shit happens.

You got this. You can do it. We all believe in you. We all want to help.

[u/heycoolbug → u/rob_cornelius]

I'm so sorry for the late reply, it's been a busy few days for me. Thank you so much for all of your advice, I've honestly been looking down on myself for needing to start back up with walking or whatever, but I think you're right that I should just start with whatever I can do and build up. If I beat up on myself for not doing the 'right' thing, I just end up doing nothing at all. Thankfully I live in a place with access to beautiful nature, so no balcony marathons for me :^) I honestly don't think I've ever viewed exercise in a positive way, even back when I was doing it daily. The punishment for not doing it was always the motivator, not the joy of doing it. The only kind of reward was the way my body changed, and even with that, as soon as I got to where I wanted to be, it started looking repulsive to me again so I just kept going down and down. All that being said... I'm definitely going to try reframing it with more positivity/celebration like you suggested. Also, I've been scared to tell my doctor, but maybe I'll bring it up to her. Worst she can do is be rude lol, I would survive as it's nowhere near what I've heard from my own brain.
Thank you again, it really means a lot :'^)