Intrusive suicidal thoughts while exercising?

[u/heycoolbug]

hi everyone, first time discovering this community, pls delete it if it’s inappropriate. I’m finally trying to become less sedentary now because my endurance and physical strength are frankly embarrassing, I want to improve them. I like going on nature walks but some days I get too afraid to go outside so I’m trying to find alternatives I can do at home. also in general I know that while walking is great I need to diversify from just cardio.

the problem is if I do any even moderate intensity exercise (I have a stepper machine, 5 lb weights I lift, and a yoga mat to do ab exercises) I get an onslaught of constant suicidal thoughts, plus cruel self deprecating ones too. this sounds really pathetic but I can only do like 5 minutes before I break down crying. I get these thoughts sporadically other times too, I have no desire to actually die, it’s more an intrusive thought like I put in the title. but when I exercise it’s constant, even if I listen to music I just hear my brain screaming “kill yourself” again and again and so many other horrible things. I try to push past it but it just gets worse so I inevitably give up.

I’ve struggled with compulsive exercising before so that’s probably part of it. I used to be doing 20k steps every day plus strength exercise in the morning, now I’m fat and can’t do anything without crying. I just feel stuck. I could probably stick to walking since that only very rarely causes the thoughts, but I wanted to see if anyone had any experience getting through this or ideas to make higher intensity exercise bearable.

thank you everyone and I hope you’re having an okay day :)

[u/Fosforus]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It's interesting; I feel like I've heard other people report similar things. If you have any way of speaking with a therapist or close friend about it, that would probably be best. The suicide hotline might honestly be a great resource too, just for a supportive person you can talk to for free. Just dial 988 (in the US).

One possibility is that exercise is not causing the intrusive thoughts - it's just an opportunity for them to come up, when we are away from our usual routines and distractions. If you were to try and meditate or something like that, I wonder if the same thoughts would come up.

Another possibility is that the physical strain, increased heartrate, etc of exercise are bringing up intense stress and memories that are basically stored in the body. It's not exercise's fault exactly, but when your body is under physical strain it brings up other parts of your stress response, and you must be carrying some intense stress in your system if you're getting such intensive suicidal ideation. You will keep carrying this around until you find a way to care for it and process it - that's what therapy is all about.

One more possibility is that if you're not happy with your physical body, doing exercise brings you into closer contact with that. You might feel more intense dislike for your body, your weight, etc, maybe coupled with extreme impatience that you are doing exercise but your body is still not looking or feeling like you want it to, and that might trigger an angry impulse to just fully self-destruct. The way through this would be working on patience, self-compassion, and that kind of thing.

Good luck! It's very brave what you're doing, and I have faith that you're going to get through it just fine and come out stronger on the other side <3

[u/heycoolbug → u/Fosforus]

you're very kind for writing all this out, thank you :'^) I unfortunately don't have friends and I don't want to burden my parents with it, which is why I'm bothering strangers on reddit lol. but I've been trying to find a therapist. maybe I'll call the hotline you suggested if it gets really bad.

I think all the things you listed are part of it. other stressful situations, mentally and physically, can kick up the thoughts. other than exercising, the second most common thing that triggers this kind of suicidal thought loop for me is socializing, which is also pretty stressful and makes my blood pressure and stuff go crazy. and the poor body image is definitely a part of it that I should have mentioned in my post, I went from bmi 13ish to 27ish in less than a year so my brain likes to invent new ways to torment me over that all the time. this one is just one of the more recent ones since I didn't attempt exercise other than walking again until just a few months ago. so it's probably nothing "new" just a new way of expressing what was already there, brought out by a new trigger

anyway I didn't respond to all of it but I read every word and I really appreciate your advice/insights, thank you for your kindness and good luck in whatever you're striving for right now too :)