Intrusive suicidal thoughts while exercising?

[u/heycoolbug]

hi everyone, first time discovering this community, pls delete it if it’s inappropriate. I’m finally trying to become less sedentary now because my endurance and physical strength are frankly embarrassing, I want to improve them. I like going on nature walks but some days I get too afraid to go outside so I’m trying to find alternatives I can do at home. also in general I know that while walking is great I need to diversify from just cardio.

the problem is if I do any even moderate intensity exercise (I have a stepper machine, 5 lb weights I lift, and a yoga mat to do ab exercises) I get an onslaught of constant suicidal thoughts, plus cruel self deprecating ones too. this sounds really pathetic but I can only do like 5 minutes before I break down crying. I get these thoughts sporadically other times too, I have no desire to actually die, it’s more an intrusive thought like I put in the title. but when I exercise it’s constant, even if I listen to music I just hear my brain screaming “kill yourself” again and again and so many other horrible things. I try to push past it but it just gets worse so I inevitably give up.

I’ve struggled with compulsive exercising before so that’s probably part of it. I used to be doing 20k steps every day plus strength exercise in the morning, now I’m fat and can’t do anything without crying. I just feel stuck. I could probably stick to walking since that only very rarely causes the thoughts, but I wanted to see if anyone had any experience getting through this or ideas to make higher intensity exercise bearable.

thank you everyone and I hope you’re having an okay day :)

[u/rob_cornelius]

I am going to bed in a minute or two. I will write more tomorrow.

You are definitely not the only person who experiences this. We had a big discussion about it some time ago that you can find here.

I will be back tomorrow.

[u/heycoolbug → u/rob_cornelius]

tysm, sorry I missed that thread, I will read it as well!!