r/DivorcedDads • u/OptimalStatement5799 • 7h ago

How do judges view Greyrocking?

I keep hearing how greyrocking is best for difficult coparents, but how do judges view it?

My ex likes to pretend to be collaborative coparent but continues to belittle and criticize me. I'm pretty fed up and have switched to greyrocking but now she's suggesting I'm being difficult becuse of how I communicate.

We have a trial next year. How will judges see my new way of communication?

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8

u/ssick92 7h ago

What the heck is greyrocking?

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u/OptimalStatement5799 7h ago

It's a way to communicate with abusive people who are always trying to engage in arguments or are not working with you in good faith.

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u/Ill-Breath-2226 7h ago

Use an app. Like talking parents. Grey rock is not seen as bad if you are just responding to actual questions about the kids. Otherwise. Ignore.

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u/OptimalStatement5799 7h ago

But I have a trial next year and she's already making me out to eh the bad guy. I'm worried Greyrocking will make me look bad but Im emotionally drained and can't continue with how things are . Worried what a judge will think.

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u/RockyMountainMedic 5h ago

Predetermined positive responses in the best interest of your child. No judge will ever hold those against you. Also check out the BIFF method. The book Splitting is mighty insightful for these types of situations. Best of luck.

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u/OptimalStatement5799 7h ago

We use Our Family Wizard though after I forced it through our separation agreement.

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u/Phteven4 7h ago

Don't forget the reason for the app. You're the wizard. Head up buddy.

Remember, you're not participating in the race to the bottom.

If ya don't do things to be guilty of, you're not guilty of things.

I know I'm over simplifying, so was your post though so I don't feel too bad.

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u/Phteven4 7h ago

Wanted to add, there's no requirement to respond to every little thing. You don't have to react to baseless accusations. Just because someone says something doesn't make it true.

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u/OptimalStatement5799 7h ago

The part I get hung up on though is if I don't respond to the narrative she builds with these messages, does that make me look guilty? I repeatedly say in our messages 'i don't agree with what you said' or 'i don't appreciate your criticism', etc. it gets frustrating.  I love me kids but man, do I wish I didn't r have to talk to this woman ever again.

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u/Phteven4 6h ago

I'm not sure what country you're in. Hopefully there is some version of being silent not equaling guilt i.e. pleading the fifth. You don't have to respond to everything stupid thing. It's the best part of divorce.

If you have to, start a text chain with yourself that acts as a diary. Don't share it no matter how frustrated you might get.

You haven't given an example so I can't be specific, however starting with you knowing you don't have to respond should help.

Use knowledge wisely.

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u/digcycle 31m ago

You just need to be seen as the reasonable parent. You cooperate and respond to kid logistics only. The other criticism you ignore and don’t get baited. No more I don’t appreciate etc. that tells her she’s getting to you and gives her energy. Saying we’ll agree to disagree about an issue is fine and leave it there as unresolved. Yes you might have to repeat yourself like you are talking to a child 2-3 times with your same boring response. That will show you cooperated and provided your input but and show that she just responded with criticism and non cooperation. Make a log of all the patterns you see. Splitting book has tips for documenting this to prepare for court. Think of this as a documenting game for court and not as an end goal to get her to suddenly cooperate.

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u/OptimalStatement5799 25m ago

I listened to that book and actually got the companion book to write out your thoughts as well. Only a few chapters in that one though .

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u/Plastic_Canary_6637 5h ago

Grey rocking if done correctly is just respectful emotionless communication like you’d do with any work colleague. I don’t see how a judge would view it as a negative

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u/Lost-Reflection-6672 7h ago

Well, what state or does it matter?

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u/OptimalStatement5799 7h ago

Just looking for general feedback for those stuck in the legal process where they are.

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u/Lost-Reflection-6672 7h ago

Well, to be frank, your situation fits mine so I was wanting to get more information to see if it could be applicable.

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u/orussell03 5h ago

You have the right to remain silent. They can't fill the gaps with delusion.

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u/HotWaffles5 4h ago

Have you talked to your attorney about this?? I’d do that first.

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u/OptimalStatement5799 17m ago

Not about Greyrocking. I'm seeing him in a few weeks and will wait until he's on the clock Instead of reaching out and spending more $$$

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u/streetsmartwallaby 2h ago

No one can predict what an individual judge will do and there’re some real loonies out there. However, I can tell you I grayrocked my ex-wife for the entirety of our relationship after the separation and it didn’t cause me any trouble at all in court. It was quite obvious from her text where the issue lay. Hint: it was not me.

I would wait at least a minimum of a day before responding to any non-urgent or non-emergent messages (I decided what was urgent or emergent; almost none were).

ETA: did not respond to the vast majority of her messages. I only responded when a response was needed (by my determination) and most of the time that response was something like. “OK”, “yes” or “no”. Absolutely refused to get in any sort of argument or discussion or debate with her about anything.

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u/CanadianPapaKulikov 7m ago

I don't think it'll hurt as long as you always communicate about the kids, but it may be wise to state something like "I am always willing to talk about the kids, but I refuse to talk about this subject" or lines like that if she is trying to engage on something else.