New to this after 15 years

[u/Cavemanjimlahey]

So today, my wife of almost 15 years just told me she wants a divorce. No infidelity, no DV, she just isn’t in love with me anymore. She wants to be friends still and doesn’t want this to be messy. That’s my thought too.
Idk what to do, we’ve been married so long she is all I know. 3 kids all old enough to understand. They still don’t know.
I’m heartbroken and I don’t know where to start. There isn’t a timeline yet but I plan to move out and she will stay in the house.
What advice is out there for an almost 40yo?

[u/curious_madra]

Do not leave the house, live in seperate rooms, do not leave it till you have the agreement drawn up

[u/Child_of_Crake]

Get a lawyer and do not leave the house.

Get a lawyer and do not leave the house

[u/CashComplete8980]

From what I’ve been told , do not leave the house. My wife also filed a week ago

[u/Child_of_Crake → u/CashComplete8980]

Get a lawyer NOW! If she’s already filed she’s got an advantage.

[u/CashComplete8980 → u/Child_of_Crake]

In what way - I’m not leaving the house i solely pay for - she can go if she’d like but won’t because she doesn’t have money for a place. I do have a lawyer

[u/yosemitesam00]

Do not move out, not without a filed parenting plan. You say there's no infidelity, and that may be true for you, but just keep your eyes open. Read that again.

And the whole friends thing? That's a no. It doesn't have to be two waring tribes, but friends? If you can't patch this together, there is no friendship.

If you can keep this amicable, great. It's a good goal but do not make yourself into a martyr for her comfort. If the relationship cannot be fixed, what you're about to go thru is the breaking of a business contract between three entities, you, your current spouse and the government.

I don't want to go into full divorce-doom preparation yet because your situation may not require it, but prepare yourself mentally that the woman you married is not the woman in your house.

[u/7nightwing7 → u/yosemitesam00]

this! I've been in the same spot. After 24 years she wannted to divorce. My heart was so broken. Found out through therapy she is a covert narc. Really showed her true face once it all started. Friends ? One big lie, at op: get a lawyer asap.

[u/Child_of_Crake]

Went through this 5 years ago, amicable is great but doesn’t always stay that way.

I’ll give you advice from the perspective of this divorce is happening.

You each get a lawyer, see if your state offers collaborative divorce. No need to go to court, your attorneys mediate and everything down to the minute is agreed upon.

Do not under any circumstances, move out unless some agreement is signed.

It’s hard man, I get it but when you strip emotion out of it, there are very specific things you need to get in order.

Do NOT try to hide money, that’s crappy. But you should also open your own bank account and split finances now to eliminate who pays for what, who’s responsible for what etc.

[u/crayzeejew]

Mediation is the best way for you guys to get divorced and remain amicable, as well as achieve the best possible outcome for your divorce.

Not just saying that bc I am a mediator. But bc its what I have seen happen working for the last 6 years in this field.

My suggestion is that you guys explore finding an affordable professional divorce mediator in your area so you can determine if mediation can work for you.

Best of luck with your divorce.

[u/ssick92]

Since this just happened today, don't make any quick judgements or decisions. How was the discussion with her? Would she be open to just separating and doing marriage counseling to see if what's broken can be salvaged? Or is she just done and there's no further discussions to be had?

After 15 years and 3 kids, if I was in your shoes it would be extremely hard for me not to fight for the relationship with everything I've got.

[u/LaCathedrale]

If you're past the point of no return you need to get this over and done as soon as humanly possible - from this moment onwards your lives are going to diverge so rapidly you're going to get whiplash and that means about your shared values and true compassion for each other - as soon as lawyers get in her ears and start talking about money.

We've all been there brother, good luck.

[u/MR-Ozmidnight]

FIRST, go see a lawyer a good one it's going to cost but you don't want to be eaten up later on, as women are thinking way ahead. Your partner is probably at the stage in her head where she's living in the house without you and the BF has moved in, and don't ever think there is one in the wings. I don't know how many men get on here and say there's no cheating well there's all types of CHEATING there's the PHYSICAL and there's the EMOTIONAL. I suggest you read "No More Mr Nice Guy," it's a good incite to how to move on, as you're in the confused stage, but you're going to get to the angry stage. And by that time it's too late, GO SEE A LAWYER, you can still have an amicable divorce, but you need to know what's in your future. It's going to be hard but you're not Robinson Caruso, not the first not the last, but it's the first time for you so it will hurt but you will get through, BUT, it's how you get through. So please see a lawyer and know what's in your near future, plus don't move out until it's done and dusted why should she get your home and not feel your pain, I'm not saying fighting or anything like that. But also if it comes down that there is a person in the shadows, I would suggest reading "Leave a Cheater Gain a Life," is also a great perspective in hoe people are thinking you can get them online. But take up running or going to the gym get yourself in shape for the fight ahead, as there will be disagreements, and she is not that person that's in your head, she's long gone, so she doesn't deserve your devotion as she wants you to go NOT you. Be the best dad you can be, when you have them let them be the centre of your universe and just concentrate on them, and by the way, the kids probably know more than you think, so keep them informed, aged appreciate. Take time as it's going to hurt and if you can get counselling and for your kids if they see you need it just watch them. I wish you all the best of luck but it's all against you as the system is all for women not men, just look up govt programs, you will find them for women but NONE, for men, so think about that. But you have people who are here for you.

[u/Embarrassed-Lake257]

It's a terrible idea you will both regret but mostly you. Figure it out if you can. Don't doubt their capacity for guile.

[u/VfVendetta87]

Maybe not what you want to read but try everything you can to fix your marriage. If she is worth it, try EVERYTHING. Couples therapy, médiation, a Little trip just you two even for a few days… being in love is something so subjective, its meaning changes with the lengh of a relationship. Sorry you have to go through this. Anyway if you already really tried everything, you have a few good advices. Good luck