Breaking generational patterns when your parents are also believers — has anyone walked this road?

[u/Emou123]

I'm a Christian, married, with a baby on the way. Both my parents are also believers — high-visibility in their church, scripturally literate, the kind of people other Christians look up to. But behind closed doors, there have been decades of manipulation, guilt-tripping, control, and using Scripture as a weapon (1 John 4:20 to enforce closeness, "honour your parents" to override any boundary, etc.).

A few months ago, I had to step back from the relationship for the protection of my wife and our coming son. They've responded with everything from spiritual lectures to legal threats. My sister, who lives in another country, just cancelled a visit and burned £500 on flights because they "forbade her" from seeing me when she comes (btw she's 41, married with 3 yo son). That sparked a huge fight between them — so this isn't just me.

What I'm wrestling with: even after stepping back, I see micro-versions of their patterns showing up in me. Hypocrisy. Religiosity over relationship. The instinct to control. I don't want my child to inherit what I inherited. I want the cycle to actually end with my generation.

If you've walked any version of this road — parents who are believers but unsafe, breaking generational patterns from inside the church, holding boundaries with parents while honouring God — I'd love to talk in DMs. NOT SELLING ANYTHING. Just trying to understand how people actually do this faithfully.

[u/kyloren1217]

I'd love to talk in DMs

well that's weird...

[u/Emou123 → u/kyloren1217]

You're right. It's just that I don't want to push people to open up about their trauma in front of everyone. I hope that makes sense

[u/kyloren1217 → u/Emou123]

it's reddit mate, we can all talk in the open. only ppl that want to stick to dms have something to hide and anyone having anything to hide is not very Christian :)

now, onto the topic...

high-visibility in their church, scripturally literate, the kind of people other Christians look up to.

you said this, but tbh, that could be a good thing or a bad thing. lets say your church is a JW church, this would be a bad thing as it means they are one of the top cult leaders in the group.

so i would love to know which church it is we are talking about here, to get more of a sense of what actually could be the issue.

[u/Emou123 → u/kyloren1217]

I get what you mean. So, it's a pentacostel church. I'm from Bulgaria, and here the denominations are a bit mixed up. A pentacostel church here is not charismatic, and it's more like a Methodist church in the USA. I went to live in the UK for a while, and when I came back home, I started going to a different church. Same values, just looking more like an actual USA Pentecostal church.

Sorry, I hope that makes sense :D It's always confusing when I try to explain it.

I've been raised Christian, but I started to follow him for real when I went to the new church. Before that was because of tradition and presure from my parents

[u/kyloren1217 → u/Emou123]

sorry you are going thru that.

we have this Ephesians 5:31-33, and the original Genesis 2:24

• Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

by getting married, you have officially left your parents and are your own person now and if they themselves do not wish to be a part of your life,and wish to rally others against you, it really is going to be their loss.

your job now is to focus on the Lord and the things of the Lord ie church and spreading the Gospel, focus on your wife, and to "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

and so if anyone wishes to be a part of that, they should be allowed to, but if they do not wish to be, and the opposite, wish you harm, you def want to avoid them.

LONG READ AHEAD: SORRY

i was the one child in the family who ended up getting saved, i made it very clear to my family. that everyone of them had a chance to be a parent and raise their children the way they wanted to, now it is my turn. and i am going to do things the way i believe God wishes me to.

some of the big ones that they didnt like was that we chose homeschool, we did not do santa or easter bunny,we did not do any sleepovers until they were old enough to talk that way they could verbally express themselves and ask for help.

but that was enough that my fam didnt really want much to do with us, because they wanted to raise our children and be the ones that had authority in our lives and i simply wasnt going to allow that.

eventually my mother came around and decided after a few years that we were serious and were not budging and it wasnt a fad, that she buried the hatchet and decided it was worth being nice to us so that she could see and enjoy her grandkids. she was the only one who spent reasonable time with our kids, the rest were nice to them, but never came over or wanted to do much with them.

eventually though, as my children would get saved and love the Lord, they wanted to stop spending weekends at Grandmas because they would say that she just wasnt being very nice to them and they did not enjoy all the cussing and swearing that she did.

so their relationship turned into more "outings" and spending time going places with her as opposed to spending entire days with her and it was great, they loved that more.

inlaws on the other hand, super selfish, yet claim to be Christian.never rejoiced once after i got saved :( their house was unkept, giant dogs, dog feces all over the house. we would visit with the kids, never left them spend any time alone wit the, also her dad was caught years ago doing things with kids, so that wasnt happening. no jail time and unclear what actually happened but was found guilty and only had to do counseling. my wife was only in 3rd grade at the time. never did anything to her though, but a friend of hers apparently, she remembers being told she cannot see that friend ever again. creepy 4sure!

would never clean up or put the dogs in another room when we visited, even when asked, because our kids clothes would be full of dog hair, dog slobber, and the one dog even attacked our kid and still, they loved their dogs more than our kids. so what can you do.

we would visit every sunday for years and it got to a point that i told them we cant come over anymore, as they kept getting more dogs, which meant more dog poop everywhere in the house, but that they are more than welcome to visit at our house any time, no invite needed just come and see your grandkids any time you want.

they came by to visit once every 1-2 years after that.

i think it was my firstborns 3rd bday party, we invited just family, not a single person showed up.

now writing all this, i can only imagine you thinking, wow, must have been a lonely childhood for your kids? actually, quite the opposite. our kids made so many friends being involved with homeschool groups, so many friends from church, that they were always busy, always doing things with each other as a family or with friends, or with us.

we def didnt sit around waiting for our family to come around, that bday party where we tried to keep it family only really showed us that they will let us down.

so anyway, i write all that to say, you want to break the chain, feel free to explain things and be honest with your kids. the TRUTH goes a long way.

my childs life looks NOTHING like mine and i am glad for that! my kids were able to see my mother in me at times and would even say, "dad, you sound like grandma!" and it would cause me to take a step back, realize they were right, apologize, and move forward.

that also being said, sadly we will see our own flaws in our children, as they do copy us, as my oldest can get a little "cold" sometimes because he speaks the Truth and i may not have instilled as much of the Bible verse "let your speech be alway with grace" as i probably should have.

i hear him speak to others sometimes from a leadership role and think "maybe there could have been a better way of saying that" and he totally gets that from me, as i do tend to be more black n white in my thinking. as that is one thing the Lord has been working with me on, is being more graceful and tactful in my approaches to ppl.

will pray for you, hope any of these ramblings helped! it may not seem easy being a Christian when sometimes it feels like the whole world, even fellow Christians are against you. but He has overcome the world so continue to trust in Him daily! He has brought us thru so much and has always been faithful!

[u/Emou123 → u/kyloren1217]

Wow, brother, thank you, like, actually. Thank you for taking the time to write all that. It was really helpful and changed my perspective on some issues. I was thinking about how I am supposed to explain to my kids why they haven't seen their grandparents. But as you say, the truth goes a long way. I won't go for every nasty detail, of course, but I'll be open. My wife's parents are actually really cool. She presents them as strange, traumatised people, which they are to some extent. Bu they are way more normaln than my "normal" parents :D

Can you suggest anything practical besides praying for my parents and the whole situation?