I don't know what to do within my relationship with my vegan fiancee.

[u/goldenbuyer02]

I am engaged to a girl who was vegan even before our relationship started. I didn't think it was a problem because I like her a lot, I was very much in love, and at the beginning of our relationship, I wasn't thinking about family, moving in together, children, etc. After the proposal, I started thinking about the family and kids scenario, and I began to panic and feel disappointed with her. Her dogmatism is so deeply rooted inside her that she was hospitalized for two weeks due to a health problem brought on by her diet, and she refused to eat meat, telling the doctors that she would rather die.

Eventually, I brought up what would happen in this case, and after some arguments between us, she concluded that she would let the kids eat everything and wouldn't brainwash them. However, while she is pregnant, she will continue to be vegan just like now, and she won't cook meat; instead, I will have to do it, or we will have to find it another way. I don't think this (meaning two people cooking at the same time) is feasible, and I’ve started thinking that we won't be able to live together this way. Not to mention, I don't know if she will change her mind at that moment and do something else.

She is crying and telling me that I tricked her, that I've now regretted it and want to dump her, and that I am terrible for what I'm doing. What should I do? What do you advise? Will we last being married together? What solutions are there?

[u/cynicism_is_awesome]

There really isn’t a solution to this, other than to leave her. The alternative is much much worse and kids would be involved. Right now it’s just a broken heart. That can be healed over time for both of you.

[u/Vivid-Farm6291 → u/cynicism_is_awesome]

Being pregnant is exhausting on your body. It also takes what it needs from your body. If your partner is having health problems already well that might not end well..

If she is willing to die then eat meat, that says it all…

[u/SlumberSession]

Vegans often date nonvegans with the intent to convert them. Also, love is blind.

I can't see a way out, unless she finally lets go of her religion

[u/thegoolash]

Dump her. Save your unborn children. Vegans arent reasonable.

[u/FineDevelopment00]

at the beginning of our relationship, I wasn't thinking about family, moving in together, children, etc.

I'd just like to gently offer some constructive criticism for future reference: The above was your first mistake. Regarding anyone you date, you need to be seriously thinking about your potential future with said woman all throughout the dating process, yes even in the beginning. That will save you so much time and heartache if and when you unearth dealbreakers.

Her dogmatism is so deeply rooted inside her that she was hospitalized for two weeks due to a health problem brought on by her diet, and she refused to eat meat, telling the doctors that she would rather die.
she concluded that she would let the kids eat everything and wouldn't brainwash them. However, while she is pregnant, she will continue to be vegan just like now, and she won't cook meat

There's no way she wouldn't try to brainwash your future child(ren), with her cult belief infecting her that deeply!

Even if she at first allows them to eat well, she will be planting (pun unintended haha) pro-vegan ideas in their naive little heads every step of the way, whether subtly or overtly, about how she believes it's "unethical" to eat meat and they "should" too if they want to be good people (also remember that it isn't uncommon for children to seek their parents' approval since their parents are their first-ever role models in life so you can imagine how that may go.)

The moment they learn that meat is dead animals (honestly parents should be teaching the reality of it in a healthy manner btw so kids learn how nature and their own biochemistry work and therefore don't get blindsided into veganism), she'll jump at every single chance she can to prey on their misguided emotions. If your protests about this escalate far enough, she may even abandon you and take full custody of your future child(ren)... and then raise them full vegan to their own detriment without you being able to stop her (granted, there may be a law against that but Idk if there is or if they vary by location but either way you would need a good lawyer to combat such a scenario.) And a vegan pregnancy, oh don't even get me started on how monstrously damaging that would be both for her and for your hypothetical future child! You may even become a widower early due to her sheer recklessness, is that what you want?

She is crying and telling me that I tricked her

Oh, no. Don't fall for that gaslighting. She is the one who tricked you, if she formerly made it seem like her veganism wouldn't clash with your relationship (I'd pretty much be willing to bet some money that she expected you to convert at some point due to her relatively passive influence and now that you haven't, she's going to try more aggressively manipulative tactics for imposing her will on you. It is not at all uncommon for vegan SOs to be abusive like that. The vegan ideology is abusive itself after all.) Although tbf you did say you didn't think things through at all in the beginning to even so much as consider the possibility that you're ideologically incompatible with each other, but that's still not you tricking her. That's just you having been passively unwise in your dating discernment.

[u/Seasonbea]

Oof yeah imma see if I can find a few second opinions for the relationship.

As for forcing that shit on the kids? Don't allow it for a second. Humans don't eat rabbit food.

[u/wifeofpsy]

She's been hospitalized twice for her diet and no one is talking about how this is an eating disorder. You shouldn't really be thinking about marriage and kids as she isn't in treatment for recovery and taking this seriously. It's a very hard truth but don't let her make you do anything out of guilt. This is a very serious crossroads, not a preference and not a moral choice. If she isnt open to exploring what is going on with professionals, and open to changing her habits, then she's showing you exactly how it will be.

Successful marriages and families are made because all parties want the best for each other and help each other grow. If my partner came to me with a concern about my health or wanted to speak seriously about how we would raise children, I would surely listen

[u/goldenbuyer02 → u/wifeofpsy]

I tried to post on another sub for advice and I got banned after a few minutes for that post. They are mentals

[u/ariana_stella]

I completely agree that sharing a similar lifestyle is crucial, especially when raising children. Many vegan/vegetarian parents do push their diet onto their kids, which can pose nutritional risks during their growing years if not perfectly managed. Breaking up now is incredibly painful😞, but you need to think about your long-term future. Be honest with yourself about what you are realistically able to tolerate.

[u/Cengokill]

Quelle idée de t’embarquer dans une relation solide avec une végane !
Elle refuse de prendre soin de sa nutrition pendant la grossesse et a des problèmes psychologiques évidents.
Ne fais surtout pas d’enfants avec elle. Tu vas le regretter.
Quand tu choisis une femme, il ne faut pas compter uniquement sur le physique, mais sur sa personnalité, philosophie de vie, capacité de réflexion, santé physique.
Là clairement tu as fait un très mauvais choix.

[u/Current_Pumpkin439]

I'm sorry for your situation, but right now she is a cult member. You can't "save" her from this. Just think closely, do you really want to doom your future kid(s) to life with brainwashed cultist?

[u/maarshiexcry]

Honestly? Probably you will just have to break up.

Ive seen posts that a lot of vegans are willing to date nonvegans to "convert" them. Its toxic. I hope this wasnt her case.

Her and you have different lifestyles, will disagree about how to raise the kids because she will try to make them go vegan and will probably want you to go vegan too.

Her crying and saying you tricked her is a red flag. How did you "trick" her? Dating doesnt mean you stay together forever, neither does engagement or marriage - breakups and divorces exist. You didnt trick her. You realised there will be an issue and shes crying because she doesnt want to accept reality. If ypu dump her, you wont be terrible for it, you always have the right to break up with somebody, regardless if there are issues or not. Your partner doesnt own you. What shes doing is gaslighting.

Maybe you can talk this all over with a couple therapist AND doctor. If it works, maybe try dating to see if it is good (dont jump to marriage). If ypu wont be able to talk it over, break up.

I dont think there is a way to fix this. Its probably better to end it, broken heart heals after some time. Both you and her will find partners that will be better for you. Its better to end this now than later have a nasty divorce.

[u/Technical_Mix_5379]

Example of Love is blind… she thought she could convert you. Also she’s stubborn especially since she was already having heath problems.

[u/LANdShark31]

You’re only just having these convos now.

I’m not vegan and don’t usually defend but I’m going to side with her on this one. You knew her red lines (vegans aren’t known for being quiet about them) before you even got together. This one’s on you. Fix it or move on and if you can’t fix it then you have royally wasted her time.

[u/ShakeZoola72 → u/LANdShark31]

Better to have them now then after the wedding.

[u/thedawntreader85 → u/LANdShark31]

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. He's got some serious thinking to do and I don't blame her for being upset but it still might be better to call it off.

[u/Interesting_Award_76]

You are in a pickle. The main issue will be the health of kids later on and their mindset. But if you can ensure your kids get good nutrition and are not forced to be vegan, talk to doctors about pregnancy and nutrition and arrive at some middle ground then it just might work.

If you love her a lot think of alternate solution rather than leaving her. Many vegans anyway stop being vegan at some point so this should not be that big of a dealbreaker.

But it can go both ways, she might become more radical and be disgusted by you for eating meat etc. which may lead to an ugly divorce, so talk and sort things out before marriage.

[u/Timely_Community2142]

You can tell her that you didn't realize before proposal that veganism has such big involvement beyond the both of you and now that you have realized, you would like to discuss and work things out. You are not giving up on her or suggesting dumping her (assuming you didn't tell her that).

There are of course couples who is one sided vegan and both made it work with willing compromises. eg. vegan partner cook meat for non-vegan partner, and vice versa. It sounds like she is compromising that she will not interfere with the children's diet and growing up and it seems like this is big favoring for you.

Say you did get married and she got pregnant, you both have to take care of her health and ensure she is getting nutrients from all sorts because this is not just about her now. There is not enough science to say whether a vegan diet is adequate or not for pregnant women. but omnivore diet always work, that at least we know, which understandably she doesn't want. Then she just gotta eat more of every nutrient from her vegan diet and supplements just incase of absorption issues. no one is going to be able to know how her health will be. maybe it will be fine, maybe it won't. it will have to be assess as it comes of how she is feeling and any symptoms. If you want to make this work, you have to help educate yourself with plant based food for her health and baby's. she will see the effort and appreciates it.

As for the kitchen, if she doesn't want to cook meat for you, then discuss how can you feed each other. do you cook for her? if yes then does she expect you to cook vegan food? and perhaps you are fine with cooking for her. else, she can cook the non-vegan portions for you and you buy the cooked meat so you don't have to spend time preparing. and discuss the practicality of in the event she is the one preparing meals for you and family, it will not make practical sense / time / money / logistics for both people to be in the kitchen, etc. ask her what is her proposed solution as well if she doesn't want to cook meat for you. Can she buy meals with meat for you then? etc.

The first and foremost is to talk about the philosophical beliefs. if you say you can accept her veganism worldview of how she sees animals, then if she wants to be in the relationship, she will also have to accept that you don't agree with the same veganism worldview because that's not how you see things and agree with. if she can accept and shown to be willing to agree to be married and live with a non-vegan long term, then there is a chance to make it work.

It's true that there is no saying what will happen in the future, whether both of you will change. so you can only work on what you have now. deal with it as it comes.

Of course separating is the "easiest" solution, if this is a dealbreaker, we don't need to talk about that. but we don't know your relationship details and dynamics with her and all other factors. So you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, and for her as well. if she is willing to accept you and compromise and you can accept her compromise and willing to compromise as well, it's a progress to make it work.

When it comes to managing children later on, it will be more complicated as things can change over the years from what you both have agreed. while you both can discuss possibilities of "what happens if...", at this stage, it sounds like she will leave the decision making to the children on their diet. There's also the media the children watched, the stories the listened to, pets, religion, education, etc. Many things in life involve animals and animal parts where it will be encountered in daily life, and therefore this will be an ongoing discussion on the "agreed principles" on how to raise children in a "non-vegan" world. there is a lot of benefits in being a non-vegan.

You didn't mention what your stance on veganism, and whether you are fine with the children ultimately deciding to be vegans when they grew up themselves. so that's why the (initial and ongoing) discussions of the agreed principles as parents will come into play, to reach a less conflicting acceptance.