AITAH: Friend Says I’m Being Sensitive About Her Challenging My Professional Expertise

[u/Obvious-Cucumber3513]

tl;dr Friend Says I’m Being Sensitive About Her Challenging My Professional Expertise

I’m looking for outside opinions because a friend recently told me I was projecting, and I’m wondering if I’m missing something.

My friend (26f) and I (28f) were discussing finances. She mentioned wanting to buy a scooter after I had just done so and said she might need to take money out of savings to do it.

I suggested (as a friend and not as an advisor) that instead of contributing an entire check she had received for a Roth IRA contribution, she could contribute part of it and use the rest for the scooter if she really wanted one.

The conversation somehow turned into Roth IRA withdrawal rules. She said you can’t take money out of a Roth without taxes and penalties. I explained that Roth contributions (not earnings) can generally be withdrawn tax and penalty free.

For context, I work in finance and deal with investment accounts professionally.

She continued arguing that her account was different and that the rules didn’t apply the same way for her specific account. I explained that I was very familiar with the rules and that the conversation was starting to feel dismissive and undermined my professional expertise. At that point, I figured it was best to drop the discussion since it was beside the point of my original suggestion anyway.

She then said she thought I was projecting because I seemed offended. I responded that I wasn’t interested in continuing an argument about a topic I deal with professionally and moved on. I brought up a new conversation and completely changed the topic.

Several minutes later, after apparently doing some research, she brought the topic back up and suggested I may not have considered certain restrictions on her account that were specific to her. I again told her I didn’t want to continue the conversation where I feel undermined and led to nothing beneficial.

One part that especially bothered me was that when I explained why I was confident about the Roth rules, she responded by saying that she also does personal finance. I agreed that she has experience managing her own finances, but I felt like she was equating that experience with professional expertise in the area we were discussing.To me, that came across as dismissive, but maybe I’m viewing it unfairly.

My question isn’t whether she had to take my advice or automatically agree with me. What bothered me was that she repeatedly made factual claims, dismissed my explanation, and then characterized my frustration as projection. I actually had said to her we have had discussions like this on tax codes in the past and I’ve consistently felt minimized or undermined when she goes to chat gpt to immediately contradict my statements.

She confidently stated something incorrect, resisted correction, and then suggested I was projecting when I became frustrated by the interaction and her dismissiveness of my knowledge.

To me, it felt less like a genuine discussion and more like she had already decided I was wrong and was looking for reasons to support that conclusion.

Am I being overly sensitive? Is it reasonable to feel undermined when a friend repeatedly challenges information that falls within your professional area of expertise and then tells you that you’re projecting when you express frustration? Or am I taking this too personally?

tl;dr Friend Says I’m Being Sensitive About Her Challenging My Professional Expertise

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[u/Spwhiplash666]

It is very frustrating to have your expertise and experience questioned by someone who “knows better.” I think you did the right thing shutting it down. “ You’re right, your Google search outweighs my day to day professional experience.”
From now on, I would avoid conversations that touch upon your area of expertise and let her do what she wants.
If you want to seek petty revenge, do the same thing to her in her area.

[u/MrsBentoBako]

I stopped reading after you mentioned chatGPT.

After going back and forth with my husband, I proved it incorrect and told him to NEVER use it to fact check me EVER.

NTA. I’m old enough to know how to use a card index.

[u/Ecstatic-Manager-149]

NTA. You stepped back from the conversation where your advice, as a finance professional or otherwise, wasn't wanted.

You accepted this and moved on. You changed the subject, repeatedly.

Your friend wanted to be right and was the sensitive one in this situation.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people that don't believe experts and professionals in their fields, but do their own "research" and believe it to be of equal value.

[u/TheLollrax]

The details of the conversation matter here but gentle ESH. You yourself said that she stated something incorrect, so you were just as unwilling to accept the chance that you might be wrong as she was. All you needed was a, "I've never heard of that or run across it in my X years of experience, but it's possible. I'd suggest double checking with your bank though." It's just about showing some humility about the possibility that you're wrong even if you're quite sure you aren't instead of being a brick wall. Ultimately your argument is based on an appeal to your own authority, which means disagreement is automatically a threat to your authority. I'd suggest not taking that tack among friends.

Also, I'd add two things. First, a lot of people make up rules about their savings as a psychological thing. "It's against the rules so I can't even consider it." Otherwise, depending on their personality, those savings might be tempting for them to pull from. I think that's a legitimate strategy and is worth not puncturing.

Second, another role for humility is if there are steps that you're unaware of. E.g. she accidentally contributed to a trad IRA and her accountant converted it for her to her Roth and told her "this conversion amount is special so don't touch it," and she converted that in her brain to "can't touch the IRA money." Also inheritance, employer plan quirks etc can cause that.

Here's my bottom line on this. She could have been more graceful, but that's uncontrollable. You were right about the Roth rules, but somewhere early the conversation stopped being about IRAs and became about status, respect, and whether your friend takes your competence seriously. And it wasn't actually her who caused that shift. Feeling your professional expertise waved off by a friend stings, but "this is what I do for a living" works better as a reason she might trust you than as a door you close on her. Next time, you might try naming the feeling instead of the credential: something like "I think I got a little defensive because this is my actual field and it felt brushed off." That keeps the friend and lets go of the need to win.

[u/nizzerp]

what i see is someone who thinks they know it all who is pretty young. the chances of you knowing her particular situation is slim unless you're her benefits provider. unless every single company does roth the literal exact same way, you are NOT an expert on her situation. getting offended when she was just trying to talk thru it is extremely immature. she wasn't calling you a liar, she was simply trying to clarify. you characterized the interaction as a slight against you, when it was anything but. or - correct me if i misunderstood? just smacks of immaturity & insecurity on your part.

[u/catscausetornadoes]

Perfect example of the Dunning Krueger Effect in action. You are not the jerk. In the interests of maintaining friendship it is sometimes good to back off early, even if you’re right. There was a lot of space there for you to take a step back into a “I’m a doctor but I’m not your doctor” vibe. And who knows, maybe there is some obscure situation in her account… not your circus, nor your monkeys.

[u/PsychologicalCell928]

When someone won’t take well meaning advice in your area of expertise you have two options. You took the first - back off and end the discussion.

The other, which can be fun, is to escalate greatly while using exaggerated claims of working with experts.

“See, I understand why you think that. It’s a bit tricky. When i was called to testify to the congressional panel on regulatory oversight - even one of the senators had the wrong interpretation. Fortunately he had an aide who did understand the nuance and was able to explain my POV was correct. The senator thanked me afterwards for downplaying his misinterpretation.”