AITJ for not wanting support my father and stepfamily?

[u/DoktahKuze]

English isn't my main language so there might be one or two mistakes here or there. It's gonna be a bit long but here goes...

Trigger warning: Sui

TLDR; I'm getting my mom's salary and use it to survive but don't contribute to my father's household fees or anyone that asks simply because I'm not close or affectionate with any one of them, and actually have reasons to dislike each person

23M. For 19 years of my life, I lived with my mother and two half brothers from her previous marriage. I never met my dad and only saw like two photos of him for all that time. I was fairly coddled, not really golden child, but my mom was very strict as I could only go to school and nowhere else. I was missing nothing essential other than social connections, which I compensated by joining online communities.

But when I was 18, my mom passed away. I was a bit petty since I resented not being allowed to visit my high school classmates who never gave up on inviting me to stuff despite my mom not allowing it. I didn't grieve her or feel awful about her passing away, but I've always missed her despite everything.

I have two older brothers. My older one is more stable as he got a job and influenced my likes heavily. My oldest was more lax, but... more problematic. After mom died, a whole divide happened. Both my brothers had their wives living with us, and both had a daughter each. My oldest one split up with his wife, and was living in one other house owned by my mother. I was living with my older brother who took it up to himself to pay for my medschool, while he also has his wife and kid to worry about.

Eventually, he couldn't keep up with everything... so my tuition fees began lagging until I just couldn't attend anymore. That was fine, but he kept promising things he couldn't fulfill. I started having doubts about everything, and their behavior kept pinging me. I didn't contribute to anything and I felt like I'd just stay in my room and do nothing useful to anyone.

I tend to hide my important stuff to myself so that no one may find it. One day, I thought my ID card was missing. Here's some context. My mother was a government worker and could have something set up so that I could finish medschool even if she were to pass away by... receiving her salary. My older brother said something like that, but 19yo me just didn't want to think about anything he couldn't control. I overheard through the walls my older brother discussing with his wife. His wife said "DoktahKuze isn't eating" to which my brother said "That's his problem" which sank me. I guess I was screaming for attention in subtle ways. But I got the idea that they didn't care so much for me. So when my ID went missing, I assumed it was related to that. So once I noticed that, I went to the police.

News got around, oldest brother showed up, alongside my dad who I met for the first time ever. They wanted to move me to my father's house. The hook? I'll get to go back to medschool. That was fine by me. So they came to me and older brother's home and took me away, and my condition was mainly that I'd get to attend school and so I did. My older brother, however, cut ties with me at that moment, accusing me of colluding with my oldest brother and dad, telling me "They're just using you" I wanted to take that risk, because I was stagnant while seeing my classmates advance...

Cue to living in my father's house. There's a whole ass other family there. Never knew they existed until then. But the thing that I noticed that stuck with me is that on Day 1, the clothes I brought with me were rummaged through. Not a big deal since I brought nothing important. But I took note of it. My new life was me trying to discover what a "normal" family feels like, with both dad, mom and brothers. For a good while, things were "solid" to what not so socially experienced me thought. But then, one by one, I started having issues with each person. And my self hate came back bit by bit as after each conflict it felt like I had to always forgive no matter what, like I was at fault. The culmination of it all was when a girl I was dating at the time did something I thought was flirting with my half brother. And even one flirty comment. And then one day when they were both together in a closed room and I asked an innocent question, which she lied, saying they weren't together. My self hate reached its highest peak in my life. I thought I didn't have a place, but a girlfriend was solid, like the one thing I had a tangible future with. And then my half brother had her liking him more than me, her boyfriend. And so I thought there was nothing in life for me anymore. A family where I was the outsider. My first girlfriend preferring the company of another guy that isn't me. I attempted to self delete, but wasn't fully into it, so I made a bet. Either I succeed and go away in peace, or I fail and force myself to do good for me.

I failed. My first step was not prioritizing my ex girlfriend if she also didn't. It also meant acknowledging that my father's newest family is tighter by itself without including me. Also, I'd need to be entirely self dependant, without relying on anyone I didn't trust. Thing is, more context. My oldest brother did some fraudulent stuff that made him the benefitiary of my mom's salary to help with medschool. My guess is father wanted in on it but got nothing. So father started moving to make me the benefitiary once I was of age (21). And that's the same year when I failed the attempt. And coincidentally, around the same time when I failed is when progress started solidifying. In some time, I suddenly earn a relatively substantial amount of money, having never worked. Not that I knew it though, because in my mind what I had was normal for other people. I don't have my own house or a job, but if I had either while earning this, I'd be considered very lucky.

My father reaches retirement age. Little by little, I'm asked to give money to people. I found ways to not do it in the way they asked. But I'd sometimes contribute with shopping or was asked to cover the power bill. Not a big deal for me, it was. Problem was, most of the relationships or conversations were transactional. I am a very reserved person, but I think I did try to bond with the new family in... my own way. But my half brothers mostly talked about how I'd download games for them on the computer and let them play. One older half brother used to ignore me until he saw I knew how to use the PC. Anyway, many interactions that I overanalyzed ended with me not wanting to be close to anyone. Even people that usually didn't ask me for anything and just hung out with me started asking for favors. I refused to be a resource unless we were deep. (But I did so subtly because I still was weak willed)

After I found out my ex girlfriend cheated on me, my supposed family either didn't do anything, told me to forgive/talk with her or sided with her, supporting her. The only one who did anything remotely considered as helping me out was when my father said I could find a better partner at medschool, an educated colleague or something. But everyone else? Treated me like I shouldn't expect loyalty, didn't do anything or told me to forgive. I used to drive my ex to school, but I stopped doing that after the cheating. My half brother started walking her out to the bus station.

As if I were in the wrong for discovering she cheated on me. From that moment on, I didn't trust anybody around me, not even the neighborhood. I was already feeling shit because I had feelings my ex gaslit me into doubting. I saw everyone as collaborators into wanting my doom. People would rummage through my things and they'd claim denial, together. I have to be more cautious. In the place supposed to be home. For me, it doesn't make sense to use my mother's money to fund my father's new family. It doesn't make sense to help with fees when the only place I feel safe is by closing myself in the small room that has a PC. And yet I live here and make use of water and power, so I must... that's my father's argument.

I already feel like an outsider and a resource. I am avert to helping because I want to preserve the little boundaries I have, and to avoid becoming a doormat. Is it justified, however, when I do live here? I've even gone as far as being petty and not wanting to contribute until certain people don't stay here for long periods...

EDIT: I understand that I'm not entitled to just living here rent free even if they're family. I was wrong to be mad about being dead weight just because I don't get along with anyone, and that I should help the house I live in in the way that other tenants want me to, not just the way I'd like or under conditions I set when I don't own the place. Looks like moving out is indeed the right move here.

[u/jdogx17]

Yeah, I think you have it right. Sometimes in life the things that cost you the most are the ones that are “free”.

I would recommend that you get student housing if that is available. It will do you good to get to know other students in your program. Living right there will make that easier.

If that isn’t possible, get something as close as you can to the university you are at. Same reason.

I would also recommend that you go and see a lawyer. You need to find out what all your rights and responsibilities are in terms of your mother’s estate. You are at risk of getting cheated out of money and property that are rightfully yours.

When you say “your mother’s salary”, that isn’t the right word in English. It might be her pension, it might be income from a business she owned, or rent from a property, or something else. Can you give us a better description of where that money is coming from?