r/AmITheJerk • u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller • 10h ago
AITJ for wanting to leave my husband but doubting?
TL;DR: I am 26 years old, my husband is 28. We got married quite young and now we already have children.
After the marriage, our relationship gradually began to change. That connection that was between us before seemed to disappear. After some time, I found out that my husband is cheating on me. Not once, but several times. When my friends and loved ones found out about this, almost everyone advised me to leave him. They said that if a person cheated once, there is a high probability that it will happen again.
However, I decided to forgive him. First of all, for the children. I really wanted them to grow up in a complete family. I convinced everyone around that this was the right decision, assured them that he realized his mistakes and that we would be able to fix everything.
For a certain time, it really looked good; we lived together, raised the children, and I tried to leave the past behind. But recently, I found out about his cheating again. Now it is especially hard for me because I am afraid to admit this even to my friends; for several years, I was actually creating the image of a perfect family and proving to everyone that my decision to stay was the right one.
Now I feel as if I have to admit that I was wrong.
My husband asks for forgiveness and says that he regrets his action. But at the same time, he constantly reminds me that if I leave him, everyone will understand that our family was not as perfect as it seemed. He says that then everyone will see that I was wrong when I forgave him. He often uses the children as an argument and convinces me that I must stay for their sake.
Right now, I don't know what to do. I worry about the children and don't want to destroy their familiar family. But at the same time, I am afraid that if I forgive him again, this situation will repeat once more. I am torn between the desire to save the family and the fear of living with a person I can no longer trust.
AITJ if this time I do not forgive my husband's cheating and decide to leave him, despite the fact that we have children and earlier I myself convinced everyone that staying with him would be the right decision?
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u/David_Moslea š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
His argument that "everyone will know you were wrong" is pure manipulation. He doesnāt care about the family; he only cares about his own reputation. Real friends won't say "I told you so," they will protect and support you. Leave and don't look back
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u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
it sickens me that I didnāt see it sooner. He is terrified of looking like the bad guy to our friends and family
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u/Corfiz74 10h ago
"everyone will know you were wrong"
In your place, I'd throw that back at him as "in fact, everyone will now that you're a cheating lying untrustworthy smarmy slimy sc*mbag that no sane woman should touch with a ten foot pole" - it's not your reputation that's on the line here, OP. You were young and naive and believed that people could change, so you were generous and gave him another chance. He used that chance and abused your generosity and cheated again. Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice - you know the saying.
Don't let shame stop you from confiding in your friends and family - you'll need their help and support during the divorce, and if you catch a few "I told you so"s, it will still be worth it.
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u/Adventurous-Talk-328 3h ago
Yes! You might get some " I told you's" but I truly believe they would be well intentioned. Some might be condescending but... but... just look those people in the eye and let them know you don't take your vows lightly and you made every attempt to do what you felt was right. Let them know that you can't make a marriage work unless both partners work together and your husband did not want to work on that. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. And that you aren't giving up, you are stepping away and creating a new life with your children. As for you children, you will need to explain to them at their age level before their dad paints you as the problem. Best of luck in forging ahead and making a good life for you and your children.
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u/OriginalOddventures 10h ago
There is no need for you to feel any more sickened about anything other than the fact your husband is a liar who has put not only your relationship but also your physical health at risk by sleeping around. You will be miserable if you spend your life pretending everything is fine. You are still so young. Leave as soon as you can. I promise it will all be ok and your children will grow up knowing that their mother is a strong woman who puts her happiness and success before any man.
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u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
I am still young, and the thought of wasting my life pretending everything is fine just sounds exhausting and miserable now. Thank you for reminding me that putting my own happiness first is what will actually make me a good mother to my kids. It's time to leave
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u/Haunting-Travel-727 9h ago
What would you tell your daughter to do If she is ever in this situation?
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u/Adventurous-Talk-328 3h ago
Exactly. Your children finding out their dad was a chronic cheater and you forgave him again and again, will demonstrate that it's okay for guys to cheat and mom's just have to deal with it. If you don't want your children learning this "life lesson", you need to leave. Show your children that women are strong and demand respect.
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u/Trishshirt5678 10h ago
He already does. People arenāt dumb, theyāll be waiting for you to open up.
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u/Connect_Office8072 9h ago
NTJ. The truth is that he IS the bad guy. Itās understandable that having children will cause you to hesitate, but the fact that he is cheating again puts everything he has told you in doubt. It more probable that he has been cheating all along, but he only just got caught this time. Get yourself tested for STDās right away. Do not have sex with your husband again and go to a divorce lawyer to determine what your options are. You have nothing to be ashamed of - this is 100% on him and heās trying to victim blame like the scum he is.
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u/Adventurous-Talk-328 3h ago
'Tell him you will no longer have sex with him as you won't take a chance on getting a STI.
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u/thecoffeesquatch9930 9h ago
And make sure you tell everyone the truth, he is the bad guy he broke up your family for multiple other women and make sure he tells the kids. Donāt you be the fall guy, make him be the one. And yes while you did take him back, admit your mistake and move on who cares what others think you were trying to do the best you could for the kids. Say yeah I messed up but you canāt fool me twice - pack up and get out. You and the kids will be fine away from the cheater.
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u/TryingtoAdultPlsHelp 8h ago
if he was so afraid of looking like the bad guy, why did he do bad guy shit?
Don't be sick or ashamed of yourself. You operated in good faith. He's the failure.
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u/ColoradoWeasel 8h ago
Not so terrified that he didnāt sleep with other women. Just terrified that he was caught and he knows what the consequences are. You and your kids deserve better.
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u/Original_Cranberry68 7h ago
Play the victim card.. you showed a perfect picture but you werenāt aware of the deception
You might be lying but he doesnāt deserve another chance.. kids will be better off living with a happier version of their mother
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u/LadyPillowEmpress 3h ago
He isnāt terrified enough not to cheat. He knows you are scared of admitting you are wrong after hyping him up so much and he is betting on your fear being bigger than his.
The reality is if you leave him with grace, people will support you. You didnāt make a mistake, you made a choice, and we all make good and bad choices. A mature person realizes that when the choice they made no longer suits them, pivoting is the answer. Your husband is betting on emotional immaturity to keep you manipulated in this situation. Unfortunately his cheating has created an inequality of experiences between you two where now he has more sexual and romantic experiences than you that he can use to manipulate you better as you have not had new experiences to protect yourself from these new tactics.
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u/Chance-Animal1856 3h ago
Because he knows they are going to show their disgust with him. Which he deserves. But you're wrong about your fear of it happening once more. It will happen for the rest of your life. He has shown you exactly what kind of man he is
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u/PinkEucalyptus85 2h ago
Iād make him look exactly how he is. If thatās a shitty person thatās a him problem and out of your control. Leave this fool.
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u/DifficultGovernment6 3h ago
This is absolutely correct. He, not you, is the imperfect one because he could not stay faithful to you. You have done everything you needed to do to keep the family together, but he has destroyed your trust a second time. And his actions have destroyed the family unit, not yours. 2 things to think about:Absolutely. He is imperfect because he could not stay faithful to you. You have done everything you needed to do to keep the family together, but he has destroyed your trust a second time. And his actions have destroyed the family unit, not yours. His arguments about what everyone will think shows that he has no real feelings of shame or guilt about what he has done.
2 things to think about here: Do you want your children to grow up repeating his behaviours? Sons to be serial cheats, daughters to think that they have to put up with toxic masculinity?
As regards the cheating... Once is a mistake. Twice is a habit! He nearly lost his family once, if he cared, he would never have risked it a second time.
Be honest about what has happened. You gave your relationship a second chance, YOU did your best. Now it is time to cut him loose and concentrate on your family. Your real friends will rally around you.
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u/crystallz2000 3h ago
This. And, OP, are you really going to show your kids that they should act like doormats in relationships? Do you want them to stay with their cheating partner because their mom showed them that that's what you do?
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u/Aiyokusama 10h ago
You say you're staying for the children, but do you understand that you are modelling that cheating is okay, and that's what they should expect? That women can be treated like shit in their own homes by someone who is supposed to love them?
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u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
I don't want to model this behavior for them. I don't want my children to think that someone who "loves" you is allowed to treat you like this
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u/Adventurous-Talk-328 3h ago
This is exactly what they will learn and sons will become relationship abusers like their dad, or miserable moms just like you are now.
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u/BLM_MOLR 10h ago
You should leave and tell everyone that he cheated AGAIN after YOU worked so hard to fix things. Make him explain himself
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u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
He has been weaponizing my fears and my love for our children against me for too long, and Iām tired of letting him win. Admitting I made a mistake by trusting him is hard, but staying with a serial cheater is worse. It's time for me to be strong, pack my bags, and leave
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u/CleverWitch70 10h ago
NTJ None of this is on you. He is not only a cheater, but a manipulator and using your own insecurities to try and make you stay is disgusting.
Get yourself a lawyer and start the divorce. As for your friends: "I really thought he was committed to our family, but I was wrong." Being wrong doesn't make you a bad person or less than; it makes you human. Being able to admit it makes you a human who is willing to grow and learn. Your true friends will understand.
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u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
He is using my insecurities against me, and Iām done letting him do it. Taking the step to get a lawyer feels scary, but I know itās the only way out
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u/Adventurous-Talk-328 3h ago
It is. And just a tip. Only communicate with him through your attorney. That's for your protection.
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u/InfamousCup7097 10h ago
So you want to stay in a marriage where children will grow up in an unhealthy environment with trust issues, lack of respect, and a tense atmosphere because of the fighting you will be continuing to have over his infidelity which you know he will keep repeating? The kids will see this as a normal relationship and you will be teaching them to accept being treated poorly to save face to people whose opinions don't actually matter (friends, family, community etc). You don't stay because of the kids, you stay because you don't want to inconvenience your life and have to make hard choices. You are a parent and the kids need at least one who is willing to live by example and be strong. So do it. Ntj for wanting to leave. You were wrong. Deal with it or you will be even more embarrassed a few years from now when you get an STI, he impregnates someone else, he leaves you for a mistress, and/or your kids start seeing the major issues in your "family."
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u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
Iāve been hiding behind the "for the kids" excuse because I was terrified of how hard making those tough choices would be. But staying and creating a toxic environment for them is the real failure here
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u/KT3145 10h ago
He's trying to manipulate you. It's not that if you leave everyone will know you were wrong to stay, it's that everyone will know he's a lying scumbag who continues to prioritise cheating above his wife & children. I'm sure you're friends & family will be very supportive & rally round you. Do you really want your children to grow up seeing their mother be treated this way?
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u/itsjustme1022 10h ago
This man is playing you. He is hoping your embarrassment from being wrong is his get out of jail free card. Tell him to pack his stuff and you will deal with your friends and family
Everyone will be more impressed with you standing up for yourself than judgmental for being wrong.
People are going to talk because thatās what they do, donāt let their opinions ruin your present and future.
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u/PNL-Maine 10h ago
OP, your friends and family knew deep down that he would cheat again. The saying, āonce a cheater always a cheaterā Is pretty well known among most people.
Now is the time for you to leave, divorce him, and focus on yourself and your children, and to hell with what anyone else thinks of your situation. Those who are true friends will rally around you, and give you the support you need. Please donāt raise your children in a household where their father is a serial cheater, liar, and chooses other women over and his wife and family.
NTJ
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u/Turbulent-Demand873 10h ago
Iāve had to leave a marriage under the same circumstances more than once and itās ok to admit we made mistakes. Thatās a part of life. You and your children will be better off in the long run.
Donāt worry about what anyone else will think of you.
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u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
It means a lot to hear that itās okay to admit we made mistakes. I felt like I failed by giving him that second chance, but reading your comment makes me realize itās just a part of life. Knowing that your children are better off now gives me the courage to finally make the right choice for mine. Iāll try my best to focus on our future instead of everyone else's opinions
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u/Odd_Tea4945 10h ago
NTJ and do leave him
It's outrageous he wants you to stay only because "everyone will understand that our family was not as perfect as it seemed", and he wants to avoid people will see that you were wrong for forgiving him. LOL people already know that DUH! You have been cheating yourself playing this perfect happy family image, when everyone knows what happened and stills happens
You want to teach your children that the marriage they can expect is with cheating? Your husband is not going to stop, he will become more sassy. After all, you always forgive him, right?
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u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
Iāve been putting so much energy into pretending and hiding, but deep down, I know people aren't blind. Itās exhausting to cheat myself just to protect a ghost of a marriage. And your point about him becoming more sassy/bold because I always forgive him is 100% accurate. He feels untouchable
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u/Odd_Tea4945 10h ago
That's why he's manipulating you with the children. And he will do a lot more, like feeding the kids with "mommy destroyed our family because a little mistake I made". Please go to counseling, you need to gain your power back
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u/nancypalooza 10h ago
Listen, women do not hear this enough: you are under zero obligation to stay in any relationship that isnāt serving you. You owe nobody an explanation for any of your choices except for you. You can leave him because you donāt like his teeth. Best of luck to you honey ā¤ļø
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u/Correct-Insurance861 9h ago
You weren't wrong. You are not leaving the man you married, you are leaving a man who couldn't keep his vow to be faithful to you, to an adulterer, to a cheater and a liar. Is that the man you married? Would you have EVER married that man?
Don't worry about what others will think about you: he is the one that made the decision to destroy the marriage, not you.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but you will survive - you deserve a man who will honour and respect you, and love you, not desecrate the vows you make to one another.
NTJ
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u/DoktahKuze 6h ago
Yeah he's manipulating you into staying because he knows you've been trying to paint a good image, when HE is the one that ruined it. This man already lied to you and knows you'll eat it up even if he does it again Save yourself
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u/Brief-Composer-6663 5h ago
Iām so sorry you are going through this. From personal experience, he will not change. I got the same excuses. I made the same justifications to myself. I stayed for 14 years and wasted the best years of my life on someone who repeatedly hurt me. Everyone already knew the truth. People told me from the beginning it would never last and I wanted to prove them wrong. 14 years. I finally left and grew stronger and happier and the kids were just fine. Now Iām finally with the love of my life that I could have been with so much sooner but I was wasting time on someone who didnāt deserve it. It will be tough. It will be an adjustment. It will hurt for a bit. But you will get stronger and get through it and teach your kids what it looks like to be happy. Good luck OP.
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u/Medical-Potato5920 5h ago
NTJ. If the children having their parents together was important to him he wouldn't have cheated on you.
People won't see that you were wrong for forgiving him for cheating once, they will see him being wrong for continuing to cheat.
Leave the bastard.
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u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
I felt like such a fool for defending him to everyone years ago, and the thought of facing them now was paralyzing. But you're right. I can't let my fear of "I told you so" trap me in a miserable marriage forever
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u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
I always thought staying "for the kids" was the noble thing to do, but I don't want my children growing up thinking this is what a marriage should look like
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u/morganalefaye125 10h ago
Staying together "for the kids" is always an awful idea. He's manipulating you. Do you want your kids growing up thinking that men just cheat and that's how life works? Why would you WANT to stay? Leave immediately
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u/Fantastic_Ice_5436 10h ago
the thing your husband said about everyone seeing you were wrong is honestly one of the most manipulative things in this whole situation .he's using your pride and your fear of embarrassment to keep you trapped, and that tells you a lot about who he actually is
the kids argument is also worth checking honestly because children don't need two parents in the same house, they need to grow up around adults who show them what healthy relationships look like, and right now what they're seeing is someone repeatedly betraying their mother with no real consequences
being wrong about staying the first time is not a reason to stay forever. if not for yourself, at least do it for your children
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u/MrsGrumpy73 10h ago
Ask yourself if it was you cheating would HE be so forgiving? He will never change. Take care of yourself.
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u/Ecstatic-Ad-3276 5h ago
One your husband cares more about himself than he does you. Heās manipulating you into staying
Two an unhappy marriage is more detrimental to kids than simply divorcing. Neither are great but children see and hear more than we realize and you know youāll never be able to see your husband the same anymore. You wonāt be able to hide it. My parents went through the same thing and my siblings and I while we didnāt know the cause knew something was wrong. It got to the point where we were just waiting for them to divorce and were picking which parent to live with. A kid should never have that kind of burden on their mind.
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u/WAndTheBoys 4h ago
What is your financial picture like without him? Please do not get pregnant right now. It is just a matter of time before he has a kid with someone and is on the hook for child support. Do what you need to do to severe romantic ties with him. If you need to cohabitate to take care of your kids do that. The marriage is over. Do whatever it takes to secure your kids housing and food.
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u/Glittering-Bat353 4h ago
Realistically? You stayed with a cheater. Your friends and family already know you made the wrong choice. They already know you've been faking the perfect family. People think that it's not obvious when it's all an act. But it usually is very noticeable. They people you love already know you made the wrong choice. Like literally every human does damn near every day of their lives to varying degrees.
They all already know. And they're not judging you. They're judging HIM and hoping you'll start to judge him too.
Leave. You're still so very young. You have a while life ahead of you. Leave.
Updateme!
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u/Ruthless_Bunny 3h ago
You tried. He failed.
Youāre allowed to say, āHey, if he was a good person, he would have stopped. He isnāt a good person and he didnāt stop. I can walk away with my head held high because I gave him the chance to make necessary changes and he chose not to do that.
If heās a good dad, heāll remain a good dad. Your kids wonāt miss anything if you move forward with your own life. Youāre modeling not being manipulated and used.
Say nothing now. See a lawyer quietly. If you want, make your husband go to couples counseling and tell him, āIām not promising this will work, Iām so disappointed and disgusted by you. If you want to put in the work, thatās fine, but we need to be in a good place for co-parenting, if nothing else.ā
This isnāt a bad idea and it will distract him while you get your ducks in a row
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u/Potential_Figure4061 3h ago
once more ??? once??Ā
no honey it is ok to admit defeat to your family and friends. you did your absolute best and your husband didnt. this is all his fault and he shouldnt be trying to manipulate you into accepting this abuse from him quietly.Ā
tell. everyone.Ā
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u/Embarrassed_Wrap8421 2h ago
Why do you care so much about other peopleās opinions? If you leave him and someone says, āwhat happened?ā you can either reply, āI prefer to not discuss itā or āthat dumb bastard is cheating and lying again.ā If you decide to forgive him, donāt look for sympathy. Your kids deserve better than a Mom who has so little self-respect that she acts like a doormat.
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u/kaskirM68 10h ago
It will happen again. He doesn't even seem to be sorry or making any effort here. So either leave or put up with it over and over again.
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u/Some-Cloud-8675309 10h ago
Your story sounds similar to mine. When I finally thought more highly of myself and realized that I deserved to be treated better, and to be someoneās exclusive first choice, I left my husband. That was almost 30 years ago. It was hard at first because he was so manipulative to me and looking back I realize a definite narcissist.
Iām grateful for the lessons I learned and they made me a better person. I am super happy today. Sending you strength and best wishes to do whatās best for YOU š
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u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
Your words about learning to think more highly of yourself and realizing what you deserve really hit home. It is hard dealing with the manipulation right now, but knowing that you got through it and built a happy life gives me the courage to do what's best for me and my children
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u/Some-Cloud-8675309 5h ago
It is a process too but you can do anything you set your mind to doing. I wanted my son to see healthy relationships in His life and that also helped me stick with my decision.
Best wishes!!!!
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u/Mammabear9800 10h ago
NTJ - If you really want to try again and think you can forgive him again, which is seriously difficult, couples betrayal therapy is a must Otherwise, leave him now. Do not torture yourself or your children. Best of luck OP!
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u/Stella_Ramirezl š Featured AITJ Storyteller 10h ago
The trust is completely gone, and staying would only mean more torture for everyone involved, especially our children. I choose to leave now and protect their peace rather than drag this out. Your support means a lot to me right now
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u/always-learning0000 10h ago
Is your reputation more important than your heart and self worth? Would he forgive you for cheating, more than once? Find an attorney, get your business and bank accounts in order. Have your name removed from any credit cards you share, etc. Most of all, donāt lie to your children about the reason for your divorce. We silly women always protect our husbands and end up being resented by our children who think mom is the cause of the divorce. And the next time he tells you some manipulative b.s. tell him to kiss your ass.
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u/Farris_Edna 10h ago
NTJ. He's literally using your pride against you to keep cheating. That's manipulation 101. Kids growing up watching mom be disrespected isn't a "complete family" anyway. Leave.
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u/Enough-Reading4143 10h ago
You weren't necessarily wrong for forgiving him. He could've valued your loving nature and live up to it.
He is the one who was wrong, twice.
And in any case, do you rather be "right", or happy?
Can you fundamentally feel safe and secure with a man who doesn't honor his word?
I won't even discuss emotional and metal toll he has put you through, since that's obvious, but how about the physical one? He put you in risk for diseases. Hell, if you're still breastfeeding, he put your kids at risk too.
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u/Enough-Reading4143 10h ago
And regarding the "my friends will realize I was wrong for not leaving him the first time".
They always thought that anyways. Noone buys the "happy family" faƧade after infidelity.
In reality, noone really cares that much anyways. It's a lie we tell ourselves because we want to keep the faƧade TO OURSELVES.
It's easier to keep that up than to admit the marriage failed.
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u/Nice_Suggestion_1742 10h ago
Fuck him, he is playing with your emotions, people make bad decisions, staying with him will be a terrible decision, he will try to make you afraid to tell people he is a piece of crap. Some people can change and some can't. You and your children will be happier without him. The arguments about his cheating will be hard on the kids and when they get old enough to know and understand what happened they will respect you for standing up for yourself. Your friends and family will understand that you tried to hold it together for your kids but somethings can't be fixed. They will respect you more for taking a stand than they will in a few years years from know when they find out ,and they will find out
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u/LavenderPearlTea 10h ago
The kids will be okay. Get them a therapist for support during the divorce. āFor the sake of the kidsā is not a good reason to keep enduring this.
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u/Zestyclose-Height-36 10h ago
info how old are the kids now? ntj to tell people he chose to cheat again and destroy his family.
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u/FairyGothMommy 10h ago
As soon as someone cheats, even once, you get your legal and financial ducks in a row and LEAVE. Always. If you don't, this is what happens. Why should they change?? There were no consequences. He got away with it. It's not too late, though. See an attorney and leave.
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u/Bella-boop12 10h ago
You gave your husband a chance to have a family again. You told friends and family that he changed or would change. That scenario did not work out for you. It's OKAY to leave him now and start a new chapter in your life. Tell your friends it didn't work out, he cheated again and ask them to help you start fresh. If they say "I told you so", so be it. Tell them you tried again for your children or don't say anything at all. You and your children will be just fine. He only says don't tell friends/family because he doesn't want to look like an AH. Put on your brave face and fake it till you make it. Good luck OP
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u/BaldChihuahua 10h ago
Look, heās a serial cheater and those types donāt change. Heās also a master manipulator, they donāt change either. He praying on your biggest fears, āLooking wrongā, ānot having the perfect familyā, āThe childrenāā¦thatās all defection. Heās gaslighting you from the reality of situation that heās a liar and a cheat. Your children will realize this! Itās dysfunctional.
No such thing as the perfect family. The facts are you donāt either. Itās a misnomer. Everyone has issues. The reality is you work on them, some wonāt and thatās your husband.
YNTJ. Get a shark attorney. Gather your evidence and kick him out. You deserve better. No one wants to see you cheated on. One of the most powerful things is to be able to admit you were wrong about a situation and learn from it. No one is going to blame you, itās him who they will blame.
You deserve better. He deserves the boot.
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u/PhotographDistinct94 10h ago
NTJ! Cheating is NOT okay; repeatedly doing it is a pattern. Your husband would ask for forgiveness every time. And you do so because of the children. My own father repeatedly cheated on my mother. He was out doing for other women what he should have been doing at home. My mother took a lot of crap because she thought that I needed a father around. Eventually, she put him out, and life went on(they remained legally married until her passing). He even asked if he could come back home, thinking that she would instantly agree. But, she sat me down and told me. She asked ME if I wanted him to move back home. I told her flat out NO! I guess what Iām getting at is this: kids are resilient. Do not stay in the marriage because of them. By remaining, they are seeing that their father is cheating on their mother, and it is NOT okay. I pray that you will find the strength to do what is best for you and your children.
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u/Matilda_Mac 10h ago
Youāre going to leave him eventually. He has shown you he wonāt change and you are mentally and emotionally aware enough to recognize what he is doing. Get it over with now. The sooner you start over, the sooner you will be able to build a better life for yourself and your kiddos.
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u/onlyoneofmetoday 10h ago
Ntj, leave him now, he is never gonna stop because he knows you forgive him before so he believes no matter that he does you won't leave, prove the arsehole wrong, get out. Tell everyone you gave him a chance to change and become the man he promised to be for you and the kids and he didn't so now you are leaving him because he has proven how selfish he is. It's not that you were wrong it's that you chose to fight for you family but he has proven time and again he doesn't care about any of you, so he is the one who caused this, you just gave him the chance to change, you weren't wrong, you were willing to let him prove he cared and he proved he didn't so now you can walk away with no worries.
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u/FranceBrun 10h ago
Iām married to a long time cheater. Hereās what Iāve learned over time:
There may be a chance with a good man who makes one mistake, is sorry for his mistake, and works to make things right. This kind of man is like a unicorn. Iāve heard about them but never seen one.
A man who cheats and then cheats again is not going to change any time soon. He thinks itās ok. Maybe he thinks he canāt help it, maybe he thinks itās ok if you donāt find out, maybe he thinks heās entitled to it, but in all cases he doesnāt admit how badly he has hurt you, and his desire is more important than your well being or the well being of your family.
He doesnāt feel bad. He just feels bad he for caught.
Heās not worried about hurting you. Heās worried about what people will think about him if he gets caught.
In order for him to show you that heās changed, he has to do certain things, like share his location and let you go through his phone. Imagine you confront him about his latest girlfriend. He will deny it. Tell him, ok, give me your phone right now and I will apologize when I see nothing suspicious. Watch him start shouting about what a crazy person you are for even asking. He will not give it. Maybe he will show you later after he has a chance to delete incriminating evidence.
Read all these books and join the forums that support betrayed spouses. Soon you will see that the person who is devastating your life and destroying your family is a pathetic little pig who is just like all the other little pigs.
Get your ducks in a row, put aside some money he doesnāt know about, and get out when itās good for you.
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u/ShadowDancer1975 9h ago
NTJ - And yes, once a cheater, always a cheater. That's from my experience. And children prefer to be from a broken home, not live in one.
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u/mzmm123 9h ago
NTJ
A lot of people do not realize that children see and sense WAY more than the adults in their lives tend to give them credit for. In other words, you aren't doing them any favors by staying 'for their sake.'
They see and sense the unhappiness - and think of the life lessons you are teaching them whether they are boys or girls. Lessons that they will take in subconsciously and that they will more than likely act on without even knowing it.
Happy parents are the best parents children can have. That's the family you owe them.
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u/Mean-Interaction8453 9h ago
The sad reality is that while you were thinking of your precious children (and putting them first), your husband was thinking of himself and his own desires.
It's time to put yourself first, OP, and let the chips lie where they fall.
Eventually, the truth will come to light and you will be vindicated.
Sending supportive hugs, OP. X
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u/Shot-Election8217 9h ago
You know that you need to leave, OP. But, itās ok to come here for confirmation and reassurance. Weāre here for you.
And, you know what? Itās ok to admit that your beliefs in him and making your marriage work turned out to be wrong. When you talk to your family and friends, start out with that so that you can cut them off before they go down the, āI told you soā¦ā road. Because, you know that they will. So, when you tell them that youāre leaving and why, just start off with, āYou were right all those years ago. I just wanted to believe him, and stay in this marriage for my children. Now I realize that that was the wrong decisionā¦.ā And if anyone wants to persist in the, āI told you so,ā vein, just keep shutting them down. āYes, you did. But here we are, and Iād love to have support from you, now, and not judgment, because this is hard enough as it isā¦ā
You are not the bad guy. And believing in him and trying to keep your family together and make the marriage work doesnāt make you stupid or naive. And deciding to leave him, now, also doesnāt make you the bad guy. He is gaslighting you and manipulating you with emotional blackmail. He will never stop cheating on you. And, remember, those behaviors are about him, and not anything to do with you, either. It wouldnāt surprise if he was cheating on you before you were married, and it was just easier to hide it. It also wouldnāt surprise me if thereās been more instances than the ones that youāve discovered.
Save as much information as you can of any text conversations with him regarding his cheating over the years. Go to a divorce attorney ASAP. It will be difficult to raise your children in a house with only one parent, but not impossible. You can do this; you are stronger than youāre giving yourself credit for. Weāre here for you.
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u/dMatusavage 9h ago
UpdateMe after you leave and file for divorce.
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u/thesilvervictim88 7h ago
you really think this has a happy ending worth tracking. keep that optimism until reality hits.
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u/Face_with_a_View 9h ago
NTA. Oh boy, heās manipulating you like a puppet. That would piss me off more than the cheating.
DO NOT give any more indication to him youāre thinking of divorce. Talk to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row, and have him served. HE needs to move out. Not you and your children. The majority of women who are assaulted (or killed) at the hands of their spouse it is when they are leaving the relationship. Be careful.
Also, people already know your relationship is a farce. But you didnāt do anything wrong. Hold your faithful head up high. I promise it looks worse on you that youāre staying with a cheater than if you are a divorcee.
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u/Free-Pound-6139 9h ago
We got married quite young
However, I decided to forgive him
But recently, I found out about his cheating again
YTJ. If you don't give a shit about yourself why would anyone else.
Right now, I don't know what to do.
Who cares. You don't.
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u/catchgretch 9h ago
Human brains don't develop until 25 years old.
Why do people still follow the age-old rule of getting married young? Why?
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u/Evening-Push9871 8h ago
social pressure is a hell of a drug. people are terrified of being the odd one out in their friend group so they rush into these commitments before they even know who they are as adults. honestly it is just a recipe for disaster.
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u/Gertrudethecurious 9h ago
no one gives a shit about other people's 'perfect' family - just leave.
As Ru Paul once said, what other people think about me is none of my damn business.
Don't live your life for perception of others, live your life for your happiness and the happiness of the kids.
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u/violincatherine 9h ago
I mean, hereās a way to look at it that might be kinder to yourself. If you left the first time, you might have doubts about it. What if he couldāve changed? What if we could make it work?
This actual shit from a butt man has shown you that he is, in fact, that rotten. And you deserve better. Also: itās not your fault!
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u/TryingtoAdultPlsHelp 8h ago
First of all, you were NOT wrong for forgiving him. You did not make the wrong the choice. You did it with faith and love, and the failure of the marriage will not be on you. HE wasted the blessing you gave him. He ruined the perfect family you tried to build. HE FAILED not you.
Secondly, I understand that you want your kids to have a complete family. I respect that. My parents tried that for me, and I feel like my entire childhood was an illusion. Children are best in a "complete" family, but if that can't happen, an honest family is best. I'm not saying to tell them "I'm leaving because daddy is a cheating asshole." I'm saying let them know that sometimes people who love each other find out they want different things in life. Don't let your children see you compromise your happiness and mental health forgiving their dad for his adultery. Let them see you be strong enough to let something go when trust is shattered. It will be a better model for them when they start their own relationships.
NTJ
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u/Outside-Yak217 8h ago
NTJā¦. Everyone will know you are wrong? More like everyone will know heās a POS. Your friends and family love you & will be there for you.
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u/bbonezbby_ 8h ago
Heās sorry that you found out again, heās sorry he wasnāt sneaky enough. Heās not sorry that he did it. Maybe guilty, but thatās even unlikelyā¦ sounds like you have a good support backing you up. Unless you want to turn around in 20 years and realize you wasted the best years of your life and your kids life in the shadows of a cheating man and his mistresses and potential hidden children, I would be pack up your life and start fresh. The kids will be better off seeing their mom be strong and take this world on and give them everything they deserve rather then seeing you minimize yourself for a man.
Ask yourself this. Do you want YOUR children in YOUR position when theyāre older? Because kids mimic their parents and often times end up in similar relationships that they saw growing up with their parents/family etcā¦.
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u/Chris-Verde 8h ago
Leave. You already know the answer. The Answer is easy, but the action is not. Figure out what you need to do to go through and not around your problems so you can go ahead and start the healing process. "For the kids" is the most destructive excuse people use because from that day on you put on a mask and flat out LIE to your kids and yourself.
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u/Fantastic_Golf_7154 8h ago
Once a cheater...ALWAYS a cheater! Do you want your children growing up thinking that's ok? Do you want them growing up seeing their mom miserable? Even if you don't say anything to them, they pick up the vibes between you and your husband. Get your ducks in a row and make your exit plan.
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u/Independent-Mouse333 7h ago
Ah, the old have my cake and eat it too. First how old are your children? Second do your children have a healthy relationship with their father? Third could you and your children thrive on what he would pay for child support? Fourth, do you have any personal pride in anything but remaining married? If not, why not?
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u/Low-maintenancegal 6h ago
NtJ
Everyone will know you did the work of forgiving him and taking the leap of faith that he was capable of becoming a better man. The fact that he didn't, is his failure and not yours.
I'm sorry to say this but if you forgive him again you now, you have to accept that he will continue cheating.
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u/Slight_Use6036 4h ago
Please leave for you and your children. He does not care about anything but his own gratification and his image being tarnished by the truth of his character.
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u/Excellent_Talk6257 4h ago
Think of it like this he has to go chasing superficial validation from other women. Those women do not care or love him itās empty itās nothing. Thereās nothing real about him, he wore a mask he married you that mask fell right off. Now you see who he really is and who he really always was. His weak his projecting what he feels about himself on to you. He wants to make you weak and depressed and feel like no one would want you. The truth is he doesnāt want to see you give all that love and effort to someone else, because it will show everyone around him how pathetic he really is. When his using your insecurities against you, just say thatās Interesting what makes you speak for all men?
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u/shaz1964 3h ago
Heās trying to pull the guilty on you and make you look like a fool. Donāt let him. While I honor that you want to protect your kids, is this the type of male figure you want teaching your kids morals, while he has none? That itās okay to break promises and vows? No mam. Never stay for the kids sakes. It causes more damage to them and to you. You gave him a chance. He failed. Heās out. Boot his azz out. You got kids, no reason why you should be the one to book. But do so, if push comes to shove. Let the court system deal with it and your attorney
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u/Lanieeeee 3h ago
NTJ. You weren't wrong to forgive him, he was wrong to abuse your trust. Your decision was a loving one and a pragmatic one. His choice to continue to cheat on you doesn't change that. Anyone who believes otherwise isn't on your side. You haven't made any mistakes here. Each step of the way you did what you thought was right for your family at that moment. I think you know what you need to do now.
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u/Fuzzy_Character9561 1h ago
So, you were wrong about trusting him the first time, oh well. Doesn't mean you can't now just admit that mistake and move on still. YOU have enough self respect to do so unlike him - who was given forgiveness and wasted it.
Any time a family breaks apart, it is sad, but YOU are not the one doing the breaking - he is.
Be kind to yourself and tell your family and friend. Maybe you will get an I told you so maybe you will just get support, but you will be living much more transparent and truthfully.
Praying for your strength and kids, OP.
ā¢
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