r/AmITheJerk • u/nocturnalarty • 23h ago
AITJ for not saying happy birthday to my best friend of 5 years
I (20M) have a friend (23M, who I will call John) who I have not reached out to since his birthday 6 months ago. I am sitting with a lot of guilt at the moment, but needed another opinion.
For context, my friend croup consists of (or did consist of):
1 me (M20)
2 John (M23)
3 John’s partner, Mark (23M)
4 and my other good friend Ben (20M).
I have never grown up with a proper family, and this is honestly the closest I’ve ever truly gotten to feeling like I had one.
Back in the day, we had another 3 friends (all friends of mine again that I had introduced to everyone else). And since, we no longer talk to any of them, mainly due to upsets of Mark and John. I think I may have always held a little bit of resentment for this. I am absolutely all for surrounding yourselves with positive people that make your life better and cutting out the people that don’t, but at the same time, I have often thought their “boundaries” could be a little bit fragile.
By this, I mean, that when someone says something that upsets them or feels a bit rude, there is rarely communication. Just ghosting and borderline demanding others do the same. To be honest though, I have always just gone with it as that is completely my family and I trust that such good close friends (especially ones that are older than me) have my best interest in mind.
Throughout the years lots has happened. The main thing, for me, is that I became chronically ill and all of my dreams came crashing down in a second. John also fell ill not long after me (we have always had underlying issues which is part of the reason we became so close). It broke my heart to feel so horrible and to know my best friend was feeling just as awful. I did absolutely everything I could to support him for a long time.
One time I ditched my life for a week and went to stay in his spare room to check on him and make sure the mood stayed positive around him everyday. And I don’t mean that to say he forced me to. But he asked for some support and I am always willing to give it. Throughout that time he did upset me a little bit. The main thing I can remember is listening to him cry about how horrible everything is, and every now and then would imply that “there is no way I could ever understand what he was going through”…. While being also chronically ill and having absolutely no support. I never communicated this though as it felt unnecessary, I can completely understand the way he felt that week and I felt that it was unfair to expect sensitivity from someone who was so weak.
Fast forward a couple of years. I work a full time job while managing my condition and I now have a partner whom I love with. My friend Ben is also living with his partner and has a part time job. Mark and John are both unemployed currently.
Last year life got absolutely hectic. I had lots of health scares and intense things happening around me. I forgot to reach out on Marks birthday. The day after I received a message suggesting that I reach out and apologise to him as I forgot to message. My stomach dropped and I apologise profusely, to which I was told it’s completely fine. The end of last year rolled around, and I forgot to send a text to Kohn on his birthday as well. My head was in a completely different month.
When I realised I felt sick with anxiousness. I apologised about a week later with a longer message, saying I felt shame about it looking like I didn’t care and that I love him very much. That was the last time I contacted him and he has not messaged me once since (I had also sent another check in message the month before that had not been responded to either).
My birthday has since happened. My partner posted me on his story for my birthday. It was viewed by both of them, and no one messaged me. I felt quite upset. It may be hypocritical, but I felt like me forgetting was being so caught up with life whereas they simply did not want to reach out to me out of pettiness. That is my family, and out of nowhere, they just decided to be completely fine with never speaking to me again.
My friend Ben came over a few weeks ago and asked if I had heard from them lately. It turns out they had unfollowed him on Instagram with no context at all. And it made me tear up. I felt like my family was being ripped apart.
I have not reached out since, as with some time to reflect, I feel that maybe I have not been valued the way I probably should have been. I never needed the level of effort I was giving, but I do think if you are willing to never reach out to someone again when they considered you family, maybe the feeling doesn’t actually go no to ways.
I am very conflicted on where to go from here. I don’t want to be losing important people out of pettiness, but as I’m growing up I don’t know if I can handle feeling like a relationship is hanging on by the thread of a birthday message. And if that isn’t the whole reason (as I know I was quite busy for a good while and couldn’t be as present as I usually am) then I need to be communicated with.
Any opinion or advice is super helpful. I still do love John and Mark very much and they will forever be very special to me, but is there any point in trying to plead for friendship?
(I understand this is already very long but there is definitely context I must be missing, so I’m happy to provide anything extra for a fair assumption)
TL;DR: My best friend is ghosting me over not saying happy birthday. Should I make an effort to rekindle the friendship?
2
u/AutoModerator 23h ago
Hi! Quick reminder about Rule #3: please add a TL;DR.
A TL;DR is a one or two sentence summary at the end of your post so readers can quickly understand the situation. For example:
tl;dr - I told my mum that her sitting in on her son's interview cost him the job
Adding one helps people decide if they want to read the full story before investing the time. You can edit your post to include one now.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/MossyPlantyWitchy 23h ago
Sometimes we outgrow people. It's really common in your 20s actually.
1
2
u/sharonbarksdale 23h ago
NTA. If the friendship is hanging by the thread of a birthday wish, it was already fragile af. I'd leave the door open for them, but I wouldn't beg for a friendship that isn't being reciprocated.
1
u/FrequentHovercraft91 23h ago
I'm a big fan of the Johnny Logan song whats another year not bothered about them same as Christmas New Year Easter etc I don't expect or want anything even the mention and won't give it out
1
u/Sad_Mix_3497 22h ago
Wayyy too complicated. Send this script to a Hollywood producer and make a fortune for a new prime time soap opera.
1
u/Unicorn_Fruit 21h ago
NTJ. People grow apart. It’s sad, but it’s reality. People are sometimes only in our lives for a season. You’re only 20. You’ll find your people. I met my best friend when I was 20 and we’ve been friends for 24 years. I talk to her every day (through text or voice messages), and even though I don’t see her often (both busy mums), I can rely on her like I can my own family. It hurts now, but people who are meant to stay will stay, no matter what.
9
u/Ill-Profile-986 23h ago
John has clearly indicated that your recent actions are more important than the long-standing friendship—and he appears to be ghosting you as he has done to others in the past. Since he hasn’t rekindled the friendship with any of them it seems unlikely he will with you.
Friendships evolve over time and sometimes they fade away. It doesn’t necessarily mean you dislike the other person, it can be due to different life stages or choices, or in this case to a deliberate choice by one party. The other party can’t maintain a friendship by themselves and is asking for heartbreak to try.
Maybe consider reaching out to some of the folks who you ghosted previously at John’s urging instead of to John? You have something else in common now. You can also establish new friendships with people who are less judgmental and unforgiving than John and more willing to participate in 2-way friendships where you both support each other.
You may feel a pain when you think of the lost relationship for a while but it won’t come back if you’re the only one who wants it to. Focus on potential future relationship, as well as other existing ones, and look forward not back. You can do better than John!