r/AmITheJerk • u/chOnky_dumpling1234 • 1d ago
AITJ for walking away after my mom belittled my help?
I (21F) am a senior in university and my mom is a teacher at a private school. Even though I live away from home for college, I help her a lot with her work. I manage Excel sheets, write lesson plans, create learning videos for her primary school students, and handle other tasks that take a lot of time and effort. When I’m home for holidays, I also take over most household responsibilities. I cook, pack my dad’s lunch, help with my younger brother, clean, and generally try to reduce her workload. I do all this while managing academics, projects, and internships because I genuinely wanted to help her.
The issue is that whenever we argue, she’ll say things like I’ve done nothing in life, haven’t achieved anything, and act like all the help I provide means absolutely nothing. Recently she was fat-shaming me and during the argument I told her that parents who constantly treat their kids that way are often the ones who later wonder why their children don’t talk to them. She said she’d be perfectly fine if I stopped talking to her and that she doesn’t need me at all. I got angry and told her that while I’m financially dependent on her right now, she’s dependent on me in many other ways too. I said that once I start earning, I won’t need her financially anymore, but as she gets older she’ll probably need me more than she’d admit.
Today I was helping her edit a learning video that I’d already spent hours making. While I was working on the changes she kept making comments about how I want things done my way and how she’d rather do things herself. I pointed out that she wasn’t doing it herself, I was. She then said what I do is “small work” and that she could easily pay someone to do it. That really bothered me because creating one video takes me 2-3 hours and revisions can take another hour or more. I closed the app and told her to pay someone to do it then. She said she only asked me because she needed it done today, but I still shut my laptop and walked away.
Am I wrong for reacting that way? I don’t expect praise. I just want some acknowledgment that the things I do aren’t constantly dismissed as “nothing.”
TL;DR: I (21F) spend a lot of time helping my teacher mom with school work and household responsibilities, but during arguments she often says I do nothing and that my help isn’t a big deal. Today, while I was editing a video for her, she said the work I do is “small” and that she could just pay someone else to do it, so I stopped working on it and told her to go ahead and pay someone. AITJ?
Edit: should’ve clarified this earlier. She does work hard. She’s got 52 3-4 years olds in her class that she manages all by herself. I do help her with MOST things, not all. When I’m away, she manages a lotta things herself since my dad’s job requires him to travel most of the time. She has a lot on her plate and basically runs on fumes more often than not which is why I try my level best to help her out and get stuff done. It’s just that I feel I never get the acknowledgement that I deserve and am always getting belittled and dismissed and under-appreciated
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u/Techsupportvictim 1d ago
If this story is real then you should have walked away ages ago. You were being her free housekeeper, free nanny and doing big parts of her teaching job for her
But be careful cause you admit that you are financially dependent on her right now. You need to sort that issue asap before she decides to screw you over
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u/milkysignal_81 22h ago
this!! the financial dependence part is terrifying. if her mom is this petty over a video, she will 1000% use money to control OP the second OP tries to set real boundaries.
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u/FlounderFun4008 1d ago
Stop helping her. Let her figure it out on her own.
Start an exit plan. See if you can get a job on campus to pay tuition and find roommates.
You are right. This is why we leave our parents to figure it out on their own.
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u/lucyfussbudget1 1d ago
It really is, and in this particular she cannot say that she was not warned.
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u/reallifeswanson 1d ago
Write lesson plans? Sounds like she can’t even do her job without you! NTJ.
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u/Chshr_Kt 15h ago
That's what I came to say. If a teacher can't even write or organize their own lesson plans, then they're in the wrong profession.
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u/Vaaliindraa 1d ago
NTJ, keep doing the household chores, but stop doing anything work related for her, after all it is her job not yours. NTJ
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u/Spirited_Feedback_19 1d ago
Time to set some boundaries. I'd put all the time and effort you're giving her into getting a job. Better to pay rent than to pay with your heart - the trauma expense will be much more expensive in the long term.
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u/Educational_Push5628 1d ago
She is emotionally abusive to you. I hope she isn’t doing that to her students!!
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u/Stradivesuvius 1d ago
NTA. She is trying to hold you in the position of ‘child’. You are moving (deservedly) to the position of ‘equal adult’.
I’d have walked away too. She will not value you and your contributions until you withhold them from her.
Also - keep copies of all the work you’ve done for her - it’s your portfolio to demonstrate job skills!
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u/Better_Chard4806 1d ago
Stop feeding her your time and energy. She doesn’t appreciate it. Seems like she playing a nasty game of insulting you to get you do more. I had my own incubator use me like this. Trust & believe. Your time is better spent on yourself.
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u/thatryguy2009 1d ago
NTJ stop doing ad much for her job as possible. Leave it up to her if she wants it done a certain way. It’s always difficult for parents to get it through their heads that you aren’t a child anymore. Until/unless there is time and space between you, as well as healthy firm boundary setting, this type of behavior will continue.
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u/BulldogMikeLodi 1d ago
NTA, you sound like a glutton for punishment if you’re even asking this question.
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u/RhedRocks 1d ago
NTJ, mom is entitled and ungrateful. Stop taking over tasks for any of your family. Let them see how much you were actually doing for them. And frankly OP, if this is true, you need to put healthier boundaries up. Stop helping mom completely. You cannot and won’t be able to always be there to bail her out of her work load and she needs to get used to doing it all herself AND when she does eventually request you pick up some of her slack, apologize and let her know you have a paper due on Wednesday and can’t do her tasks this week. Each time she asks you, let her know you unfortunately don’t have time. She shouldn’t be asking, you shouldn’t be saying yes.
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u/Kind_Moose3603 1d ago
NTJ, it sounds like you're doing all your mom's work for her that she's supposed to do outside of class. What does she do aside from stand in front of the kids?
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u/BreakableApologise 1d ago
You're not wrong to be frustrated, but you might need to actually follow through on walking away instead of just doing it in the moment. If she's going to dismiss your work, stop offering it, and use the energy you'd spend on her stuff to build that financial independence so you're not stuck in this cycle.
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u/QueenChocolate123 1d ago
NTJ. I'd say you should stop helping your mom and let her pay someone else to do her work.
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u/No_Pilot_2053 1d ago
NTJ. As someone who also does editing on videos / text constantly, it really is a lot of work, so for her to react that way to you helping her, along with the many other things you do and that I suppose she also isn't grateful for, genuinely is unfair. You were on the right for standing up against her.
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1d ago
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u/AmITheJerk-ModTeam 1d ago
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u/lucyfussbudget1 1d ago
The way she speaks to you? It is deeply insulting and disrespectful. I’m so glad you shut your laptop and left.
You don’t deserve this. I don’t care how hard your mother works, it does not give her a pass to treat you like crap.
Stop doing things for her, especially things related to her job, because it is HER JOB
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u/Raekah 1d ago
I think it's just time to move on from your parents, there comes a time where you just have to deal with it on your own.
Parents start taking adulthood for granted that you'll be there and the work you'll do. (Coming from the same infrastructure and appreciation for your parent's sacrifice)
It's a good time to build up your resume, internships, networking, hobbies and friends
But to avoid guilt and create commitments, I recommend to take a part-time job or volunteering.
But she IS capable of doing it and you SHOULD be living your own life. Reassure yourself with that
You don't want to look back, especially if you're in college/beginning work life- you'll find it a lot harder to make relationships and connections once you're out of school and in the workforce. Friend groups get more exclusive.
You'll never have as many opportunities as you do right now and you're sacrificing alot of time and effort for her.
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u/Raekah 1d ago
Also I would recommend paying rent if can, ease off that financial dependence (albeit I agree with other comments she can screw you over and to get it sorted). I would rather pay rent than the time you're investing (think of the pros and cons of payoff though).
Paying rent starts establishing an "equal adult" playing field and if she complains, a go-to response is that you're working to pay rent, you no longer have time for all the extra stuff you used to do.
It starts being a good boundary because all your current labor is "free" labor that is "expected" versus income. At least money/rent is acknowledged as actual work.
Also. Time to work for a editing company? Can you outsource your current skills?
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u/Even_Tea4874 1d ago
NTJ. Cut way back on your help and conversations. Don’t do her work. Stick to your studies and any basic household tasks you deem necessary. Let her find out how much you do.
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u/thesilvervictim88 1d ago
You are saving her career while she acts like your unpaid assistant shouldn't have boundaries. She needs to realize that if you stop doing the work, she is the one who actually has to do it.
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u/MarcSkye519 22h ago
I had a mother like that. She once told me “well I guess you must be good, they keep putting you in plays”. When I got a small part in a Paramount movie, “well you only had one line”. Absolutely nothing I did was good enough. I didn’t completely cut her off, but I moved 1500 miles away and called her once a month. I went back for her funeral but never did shed any tears for her. So watch out, moms, don’t screw things up!
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u/Catnaps4ladydax 20h ago
My kids are 13 and 14. If they do the minimum for chores I ask I still say thank you, and I send them allowance. If they do extra I compensate them for their work, and thank them for their help. I even thank them for making dinner even if it's frozen lasagna. When people help you, you acknowledge it.
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u/WearMySassyPants 17h ago
As someone in her 50s learning to create videos it is hard work. Let her do it herself. She will either learn to appreciate your effort or pay some else. Since she is a teacher it is time for her to learn a lesson or two. What is that saying? Experience is the best teacher or something like that! NTA!
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u/Scary-Antelope-3933 1d ago
NTA, reasonable reaction