r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 2h ago
👨👩👧👦family/in-laws AIO My brother invites his nanny to special family events
[deleted]
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u/RosemaryCoffee 2h ago
He's bringing his wife, his child and his girlfriend to family events. Tell him its inappropriate or just invite the wife and child next time. The wife is going to need your support when he leaves her.
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u/victoriachaos11 1h ago
I think if anyone in the family (besides OP) cared much about the wife, they would have called out how weird this is by now.
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u/Hairy_Meet9470 53m ago
this went from nanny drama to full soap opera real quick i wasn’t ready for that last line
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u/California_ponypal 2h ago
I would not change one bit of my behavior around her... go ahead and let her give side eyes and be uncomfortable. Stop changing who you are because of her. She shouldn't have that power and I'd probably even call her out (not unpleasantly) for her side eyes and say, "Are you okay? You look like you have some thoughts. Care to join in the fun and share?" and chide my brother in front of her regarding all the focused attention she's giving him... maybe say, "Did she come here to take care of you or your child?"
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u/whatthewhat3214 1h ago
I actually would be unpleasant. "Why are you glaring at us?" "Why are you side-eyeing us? You do get this is a family event and we're allowed to talk about family stories, right? Shouldn't you be taking care of the child instead of spending all your time diverting my brother's attention away from his wife and family at this family event?" "Are you always this disrespectful of your employer, (name the wife)? Seriously, what do you think your role here is anyway, that you're so imperious and rude to everyone?"
Statements like that would push your brother away, but honestly you all need to call your brother out for how he's treating his wife and the mother of his child, about setting boundaries, and frankly about the affair he's obviously having. He's disrespectful af to his wife and all of you, and this young employee is wayyyy too entitled.
Don't tolerate her antics or allow her to dictate how your family interacts when she's around, bc it's ridiculous that you all have cosigned this behavior and given this stranger the power to inhibit how you all act when she's around just bc this young affair partner glares at you. So what? She's a kid compared to the rest of you, but you think she gets to call the shots? Call her out, tell her to knock it off, and your brother can deal with it or not show up if he can't be without her.
But ffs your poor SIL needs you in her corner, ASAP!!
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u/RepresentativeOdd268 1h ago
This 100%. I have no filter. I will say what everyone is thinking.
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u/MrsRoronoaZoro 1h ago
I have no filter and I’m petty. It would be so much fun to make my brother and her uncomfortable.
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u/JesChatta 2h ago
I love all of this. But then, I’m not super shy with shit like this. I’ll start out nice at first. The rest depends on the troublemaker.
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u/ConsistentJuice6757 2h ago
He’s either having an affair with her, or his marriage is open and she’s the 3rd.
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u/WAProletariat 2h ago
In the event this isn't bait, he's trying to fuck her.
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u/Kat092620 2h ago
He’s not trying he’s already fucking her
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u/Suitable-Answer-83 2h ago
This has to be engagement bait. If this were real, there wouldbe some attempt to address the obvious conclusion. Even some acknowledgment of how the wife feels about it.
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u/PreviousZone6742 2h ago
It's a power play to out vote family members by using staff. Doesn't have to bring her places to have a relationship.
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u/wrongstage4age 2h ago
"The Nanny" How does the SIL feel about this?
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u/Illustrious_Basil_40 2h ago
Dude- she just tolerates her because she's too tired for this BS.
My brother paying for her to take the child to special places nearly every day.
His wife won't argue with him. But where I had to stand in for her- is that he was going to buy a $1000 Disney year pass for the nanny to take his child- but doesn't even own a pass for his wife or himself???
The nanny also asks him to pay for her every meal and chooses expensive restaurants to take the child to. His wife told me.
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u/oh_hi_lisa 2h ago
Your brother is obviously banging this nanny. Like…DUH.
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u/AnalogyAddict 1h ago
I'm guessing that's WHY she is the nanny. But I read too much about family annihilators and adjacents. This definitely has that vibe.
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u/Glad-Isopod5718 1h ago
Dude. There vast canyon of white space between "cheating with the nanny" (an unfortunately common scenario) and "murdering the family" (a thankfully rare crime).
Making this sort of leap is sometimes a sign that it might be a good idea to lay off the true crime for a bit and get some variety in your information diet.
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u/Planet_Ziltoidia 1h ago
I am a professional nanny... This is not normal and not professional. They're definitely fucking.
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u/AuntieKay5 2h ago
You use the “-“ like AI.
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u/Illustrious_Basil_40 1h ago
Or like a millenial? Is this story so fantastic it needs AI? Haha
I think just Gen Z doesn't use dashes- lol.
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u/TrustyBobcat 1h ago edited 1h ago
The long em-dash — is the typical AI tell, though there are some folks that prefer it. A regular en-dash - is just typical use for most that like dashes (like my elderly millennial ass.)
EDIT: Actually, the common punctuation that's easily accessible on most keyboards is the hyphen -. The en-dash is kind of mid length between the hyphen and the em-dash: –.
So, to summarize:
Hyphen: -
En-dash: –
Em-dash: —
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u/secretly_opossum 1h ago
I’m almost 36 and have always used whichever one autoformats when you type the hyphen key twice and then the space bar.
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u/TrustyBobcat 1h ago
Judging from your posting history, you are indeed a fan of the em-dash. Which is one reason why folks confidently proclaiming AI solely due to its use is totally premature. Lots of folks use it, and I even noticed it last night when I was writing a document in Word - it automatically converted my regular hyphens into em-dashes.
An em-dash alone does not AI make! I stand firm in my statement. 👩🏻⚖️
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u/blackcain 1h ago
I use dash all the time. Although not when I was younger. I think it's something I started doing after writing a lot of email.
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u/RealLateToast 1h ago
Ai uses Em-Dashes not hyphens
It’s a huge tell.
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u/Friendly-Champion-81 1h ago
As an em-dash user I think it’s also important to point out that humans have been using em-dashes for years now— in fact, we used it first!
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u/quickthorn_ 1h ago
Em dashes are my favorite punctuation besides the interrobang—you will pry them out of my cold, dead, very human hands.
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u/el_grande_ricardo 2h ago
I could see "take care of the kid", but yeah - that's your new SIL.
NOR
What does soon-to-be-ex-SIL do while he courts the nanny?
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u/Whatthefunyuns 2h ago
What in the Succession is going on here?
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u/Severe-Elderberry833 59m ago
I am stealing this reaction, if I may? Goes right up there with ‘what in the Florida Man antics?!?!’
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u/Kind_Pomelo6023 2h ago
NOR he wants to bang her. Have mommy and daddy tell him the nanny isn’t invited and then talk to your poor SIL im sure she has feelings about this
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u/balderdashbird 2h ago
Oh, hun... She's not the nanny; she's the girlfriend.
NOR
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u/Dont-be-lasagna12 2h ago
Future wife more like
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u/Helpyjoe88 2h ago
Why are you acting formal instead of being comfortable anyway? It's a family event; act like it. She's there to do her job. You're there to have fun with your family. Do that.
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u/Illustrious_Basil_40 1h ago
Becuase she is so annoying.
For example, we are all dog people and she has cats. And his nanny says "well, I hope you don't mind, but I am NOT raising [my brother's child] as a dog person. I'm raising her to be a cat person just like me"
Like what?! It's not your baby.
She literally talks over all of us.
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u/Whoooshingsound 1h ago
Oh they are for sure fucking. He’s intro’ng her to your family as your next SIL.
ETA My father did the same with his AP.
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u/Pkrudeboy 1h ago
Tell her that the help’s opinion was neither requested or desired, and to mind her place.
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u/trapped_4_life 1h ago
She seems to think she is your nibling’s parent if she thinks she is raising their child. Your SIL needs to nip that in the bud. But I’m guessing this is coming from her relationship with your brother. Lots of red flags that he is having an affair and positioning her to be accepted as his next wife. Your SIL needs to stand up for herself and out the nanny in her place otherwise the nanny is going to try very hard to replace her not just as your brother’s wife but as your nibling’s mother.
NOR but I want to hear what SIL says about all of this and why she hasn’t stood up to the nanny and put her in her place?
Updateme
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u/Far-Industry-7745 1h ago
Gross. Next time I would pop off with something like "oh really is that what you're doing with your own child?" NOR. This entire situation is weird and inappropriate
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u/Ok-Designer5442 2h ago edited 2h ago
On your best behavior? Wtf would be happening at events with a small child if the nanny wasn’t there?
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u/Illustrious_Basil_40 2h ago
Just like Fake behavior.
I shared a book that was our favorite as kids that my grandmother used to read to us (from the early 90s)-
It was the exact copy- I kept it after my grandmother passed all these years to give to him. My brother and I started to cry.
and the Nanny was like "Oh dear- that's very inappropriate for children! Don't ever show that to your child!"
Like she could not wait to cut in and ruin the moment.
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u/Ok-Designer5442 2h ago
How is that fake?
What book?
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u/Illustrious_Basil_40 2h ago
The Velveteen Rabbit.
Like it's hardly inappropriate- it mentions scarlet fever? Lol.
She's just a huge jerk
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u/leftfootshorter 1h ago
NOR
"Oh dear- that's very inappropriate for children. Don't ever show that to your child!"
And appropriate response from you would have been, "I'm sorry, was I asking for the help's opinion?"
I am not an elitist and I am FAR from rich, but it sounds like your family is wealthy and she is acting a little too familiar. No one is going to take away something my grandma did for me and my siblings. She may have been too embarrassed to say anything more after that. Might even cure her habit of giving side eye.
For the record- your brother is absolutely having sex with her.
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u/MartinisnMurder 1h ago
Is she like some sort of crazy religious person that wasn’t allowed access normal books or media??
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u/whatthewhat3214 1h ago
You should have shut her down, reminded her she's the new nanny and you're the uncle to this child, and she doesn't dictate decisions about what you as a family can do for your nephew/grandson, and that she's overstepping her role as nanny with the child's mother, her employer, right there who makes such decisions, not her. And told her that she's very disrespectful if she thinks it's her place to tell the child's parents and family what they can do for him.
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u/Ok-Designer5442 1h ago
I agree with the nanny about that book. I’d explain why but I won’t ruin your love of the story.
That still doesn’t explain how you all have to be on your best behaviors or how the nanny is exhibiting FAKE behavior. In fact in the example you have that is the opposite of fake…
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u/blackcain 1h ago
Why would you say that in the middle of an emotional moment shared between brothers especially as someone who is a hired help not a friend of the family or anything like that?
Plenty of time to mention to the father about the book in some other time frame.
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u/Ok-Designer5442 1h ago
They aren’t brothers…
People say crazy stuff all the time. For example calling OP’s brother’s girlfriend the hired help.
It’s still not an example of how the family has to be on their best behavior…
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u/No_Minimum_6640 1h ago edited 1h ago
Im gonna lean toward MOR. At the end of the day she’s his employee and her actions are an extension of him. For all you know they’re poly and she’s their unicorn. Ignore her and tell your brother to check her.
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u/Keytarfriend 2h ago
The nanny literally looks at us glaring at us, schmoozing him the entire time.
I'd get your family patriarch/matriarch to step in. If your parents/grandparents are cool with it (and if his wife is cool with it!) then you're the only one who feels this way and you're misreading the situation. If everyone else is picking up on it, you can work towards a solution.
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u/PuzzleheadedCourt127 2h ago edited 2h ago
NOR but also YOR
Who has a nanny is this economy?!
Also, the nanny is not the problem here - your brother is. She is being paid and will do as she’s told by her employer. Sounds like you’re putting a lot of blame on her, and not enough on your brother, who, by your account, you think is a douche anyway.
I’d hate to be employed by your family - sounds like a nightmare.
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u/honestypen 2h ago
God I hate when family brings the help to dinner.
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u/Suitable-Tear-6179 2h ago
Except shes schmoozing him instead of watching the child, so is she the help, or fSiL.
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u/RsCoverForPDFFiles 1h ago
Don't call nannies "the help." They're far more critical than that, and it's condescending and dehumanizing. They're childcare workers who often give way more effort into raising people's kids than the parents would during that same time.
The difference between a good nanny and a bad nanny can be literally life-changing when it comes to their development and temperment. Reducing them to "The help" isn't even disingenuous. It's just plain wrong. They're not "helping" to do a thing. They're actually doing the thing.
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u/Silent_Eggplant_380 2h ago
Long story short, He either wants to or has already been inside her 🤷🏻♂️
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u/Danidoll91 2h ago
This sounds like the plot of one of those Chinese short dramas 🤣
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u/Maleficent-Cut5887 1h ago
She’s more than the nanny if she feels comfortable enough to be in your family’s home and still give side eye and glare at the family of her “employer”! That’s her man.
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u/Impressive_Yam_7224 1h ago
He is cheating with the nanny …. Anyone who thinks otherwise is asinine but more ominous is his wife putting up with this disrespect
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u/KetoLurkerHereAgain 1h ago
Maybe they have a really good prenup? And he's an idiot thinking he's being slick and the SIL is letting him dig his grave?
One can hope.
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u/z-eldapin 2h ago
Next family event, everyone should show up in the most ridiculous outfits ever. But don't tell BIL before hand.
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u/Automatic_Gas9019 2h ago
NOR Your brother is cheating with the nanny or maybe all three are in a relationship but I am guessing he is cheating.
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u/Background-Falcon-47 2h ago
Yeah I'm a nanny and I barely talk to the dad. I tell the mom some things and she's like oh you should tell him this and I'm like okay... Haha
Before I read the whole thing, I was thinking, oh it wouldn't be a bad idea to bring the nanny to certain things to actually help out, but if it were me I could care less what the family is doing and hope they know I'm not judging.
What she's doing is extremely unprofessional. Oh and I see she's younger. Idk she might be watching some weird stuff online and there's so many shows and movies portraying the nanny affair 🙄or she's just extremely unaware and immature and doesn't have a father figure in her life?
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u/AtrumAequitas 1h ago
The fact he doesn’t do this with his wife’s family tells me someone has set boundaries. Time for you to do the same.
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u/BayYawnSay 1h ago
Yeah, this is weird. I am a nanny, I've worked for multiple families and my current one I've been with for 6 years. I have all extended family members' phone numbers in my phone along with their birthdays saved in my calendar. I sometimes have to coordinate drop offs with the grandparents, ask the aunt if she wants hand me down clothes, ask the uncle question about Pokemon, and the birthdays are so I can have the kids make cards. I attend the birthday parties of the kids I nanny for, but only if they happen at their own house because I make the cake (it's a big hobby of mine).
But I am adamant that I do not attend events or vacations when there are enough adults to handle the kids. That's not my job and I have my own life and my own schedule and my own things to attend. I could never imagine doing what this nanny is doing.
If your brother is married, please update me as to when the divorce gets finalized so he can be with the nanny.
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u/LoquatBear 1h ago
NOR, Yep my dad did this with multiple affairs.. hired them on to his office. Started having work events that only that person and their family would join us.
He even moved (practically kidnapped) one affair into our house at one point. Had her living in our house for a week and then she stole stuff to sell (which looking back on was perfectly reasonable, as she didn't have a job). It's weird when you realize you're dad was/is a predator after growing up.
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u/KetoLurkerHereAgain 1h ago
Is your dad my old boss?? He used to have a succession of young women come to the office and be given checks for "administrative support" or some other bullshit.
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u/LongjumpingLie5842 2h ago
Sounds like your family members could start barring the front door to the nanny. An uninvited guest is just that.
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u/Busy-Associate564 2h ago
Why is he hanging out with the nanny? Sounds like there may be something going on with them.
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u/Easy-Broccoli-2453 2h ago
Unless you show me a picture of a -100/10 looking woman as the nanny, your brother is 100% cheating on his wife with her. Being a nanny is a very common tactic amongst certain women to try and marry into a wealthy family.
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u/SeerXaeo 2h ago
You should remind her that help should be eating in the kitchen. Really, why should she be sitting down on the job? She can just grab bites between serving the meals.
Upstairs does not mingle with the downstairs
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u/SnooWords4839 2h ago
Don't talk to the nanny, support SIL and include her is everything.
Brother is treating his wife badly.
NOR - If you are hosting an event and she shows up, hell, I would put her to work, such as making the baby's food.
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u/GettingToo 1h ago
Why would his wife put up with this behavior? As far as him trying to get the family to accept the nanny as part of the family, then why is she so rude to them? If they are having an affair then he probably not going to end up with custody of his child anyway so I don’t see how he thinks this is going to work out. Many he’s not think with his brain and letting his anatomy control his actions.
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u/Fearless-Table1809 1h ago
Invite the in-laws over and make sure the nanny is busy with the children in another room. Make sure you park them in. My Bubbie used to do that. No Irish goodbyes.
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u/Snoo_17338 1h ago
Here's an alternative theory. Maybe he's trying to show off.
Does he also like to talk about fancy family vacations, kids going to private school, etc.?
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u/Ana-Hata 1h ago
NOR
When I read the title I thought - I’ve had family members bring a nanny with the kids, it’s not that bad.
But I wasn’t prepared for the story, in my experience nanny takes the kids into the playroom or rec room and acts as baby sitter while the adults drink and socialize….that why they bring her.
What the OP shared is totally abnormal.
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u/HappySummerBreeze 1h ago
Start calling them out in the groups. “So are you guys having an affair or what?”
When they answer you say “well what kind of weirdo brings their kids nanny to a family dinner if they aren’t having an affair?”
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 2h ago
"Bro, your nanny is no longer welcome at family events. Stop bringing her."
And you're all stupid if you think she's not in love with him and is trying - and will likely succeed - to sleep with him. If she's not already.
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u/Impossibleish 2h ago
Or he's pushing his wife out, which is what seems more likely
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 2h ago
Either way, they're all stupid for tolerating her brother being an asshole.
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u/Impossibleish 2h ago
That's true. But that's not what you said. Why is an employee the evil intent home wrecker, when he is doing more than enough to wreck his own? And what power does she even have? A vag and a willingness to say yes to her boss? You're making a lot of assumptions.
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u/JuniorFix3344 2h ago
Sounds like he's having an affair with the nanny. If she's not even watching the child, he's smoozing her, paying for everything, and she's invited to all family events, they're together. Your poor SIL.
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u/Character_Bed1212 2h ago
I knew someone who did that. Even took her to work conferences. She’s more than just a nanny.
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u/i_kill_plants2 2h ago
Your brother is sleeping with the nanny and setting her up to be the second wife.
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u/onecrazywriter 1h ago
NOR-
He's totally having an affair with this woman , hence he is not bringing her to his wife's family events. How did they even choose this nanny? They might have been fooling around before she was ever hired.
Talk to his wife about this situation. If she's a SAHM or makes much less, she may feel she has no choice but to put up with it.
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u/lolalovehoney 1h ago
Sounds like he’s banging the nanny. Seems like integrating her into the family so it’s not such a shock when he tells you guys he’s getting a divorce and shacking up with her. Usually when people bring their nanny along, she doesn’t sit around in the middle of the event. She takes the child to another area so that the adults can enjoy themselves. That’s the whole point of a nanny being there? ETA- words
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u/Unhappy_Rub_500 1h ago
Maybe he thinks of his nanny as his mother, or the person who has always been there for him.
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u/devitoispenguin 1h ago
You haven't seen "The hand that rocks the cradle?" "When the children sleep?" Or any lifetime movie about a nanny?
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u/InternationalDiet913 1h ago
Did she come from overseas to nanny for them and now lives in their house? If so, bringing her to family functions seems normal because she’s left her family to come here and work for them, sort of becoming part of the family.
But based on the way you’ve described it, it does sound a bit weird.
MOR
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u/stunnedonlooker 1h ago
What's wrong with the wife that she tolerates (everything you said). You may want to focus on helping her emotionally, anyway.
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u/Artios-Claw 1h ago
I have friends who had multiple foreign au pairs who did this, but I think it was more about getting them social time with other people and including them
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u/Better_Golf1964 1h ago
In the Decades of having a nanny to raise the kids they were always a part of the family
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u/Missus_Aitch_99 1h ago
I would treat her like she's there working. Ask her to help in the kitchen or look aftee the kids in another room or somethingZ
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u/HamRadio_73 58m ago
Who's in charge of the guest list? If its my place the nanny isn't invited and will not be admitted. Brother doesn't like it? He can stay away too.
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u/Organic_Sun_8306 46m ago
Maybe he's just nicer than the rest of his family and considers her part of his and his wifes family unit. I would expect someone who helps raise your children would be thought of as part of your family
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u/Electrical_Sea6653 44m ago
You guys might be the problem if she’s giving you dirty looks and he won’t hang out with you without her
Also maybe he’s the problem and has an inappropriate relationship with his nanny
Context would help but of course, family dynamic context would take decades to understand so
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u/FixBeneficial1238 43m ago
Dude, my nanny growing up went to family events. It was so chill. My nanny for my kids will too. But it was both sides and multiple kids.
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u/PastySasquatch 42m ago
NOR, but you’re missing great opportunities to get to know your future sister in law. So I didn’t scroll too far but y’all know he’s smashing the nanny right!?
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u/Prestigious-Plum-235 2h ago
YOR because as entitled as this sounds - who changes their behavior at a family event for another persons hired help?
Any nanny/housekeeper/gardener I’ve ever encountered does not give a flying fig about how a family acts unless it impacts them- I’d imagine they’d feel super weird being there and should probably be… watching the kid.
He’s definitely got an inappropriate relationship with her. His wife “puts up with it” because she doesn’t want a divorce (yet).
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u/Illustrious_Basil_40 1h ago
I've worked as a nanny myself - lol.
This girl literally talked over all of us the entire time including his wife- laughing with my brother loudly. We just ate as they chatted across the table. I literally tried to talk to my own mother and she cut us off.
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u/Prestigious-Plum-235 57m ago
lol so I’d imagine you know how wildly inappropriate this whole thing is
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u/iamspartacusbrother 1h ago
I’d like his nanny. Nuttin wrong with that. I smell jealousy.
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u/Illustrious_Basil_40 52m ago
Not jealous- just she was super cold to us and even his wife- but super warm to my brother.
We were paying for a special lunch at a fancy restaurant (beyond our means) to treat my brother's child , and She wanted to order something $89 on the menu for us to pay- my parents were splitting a $20 meal.
She was ordering drinks, sides, etc
No joke.
When I tried to protest- she got very snippy.
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u/HelpfulName 2h ago
Oh he's trying to integrate the nanny into the family so that when he divorces his wife and marries her y'all will be familiar with her.
That's why he does it with you and not his wife's family.