AIO for not seeing my nephew because my brother is racist?

[u/richvictory2269]

My brothers girlfriend just gave birth to my nephew, and our whole family is of course very excited to meet the little guy!
I made plans with my SIL to stop by last Saturday and see him, but later I got a text from my brother about how they have made a ‘rule’ about no Muslims in their home to “shield their new child from those types of people”, and that my boyfriend therefore wouldn’t be welcome.
He specifically said “no one with associations to the muslim community”, so I assumed I wouldn’t be welcome either, as my boyfriend is Muslim.

He did say that he personally don’t have anything against my bf and that he can see my nephew at family gatherings but not in their home. So I decided not to go.
My bf and I stopped by their house to lay the gifts we bought them at the front door.

Afterwards I got messages about why I didn’t come in and say hello and so on. Now most of my family agree that it’s a messed up rule, but think I should still make the effort to see my nephew and that I’m taking it out on him..
I do want to see him, but I saw how guilty and ashamed my bf felt when he heard about it.. I just feel it would be so disrespectful to him if I went.. like I’m okay with people discriminating him in that way.
So AIO?

[u/InevitableTie4138]

I'd never speak to my brother again. Unacceptable.

[u/RoughDirection8875 → u/InevitableTie4138]

Absolutely agree. I actually did cut off my older sister for the fact that she's a racist, homophobic all around bigoted asshole who doesn't respect people's boundaries and can't admit when she's wrong. It's been about 6 years since I've spoken to her or seen her and my life has been so much more peaceful. OP is NOR at all

[u/creatyvechaos → u/RoughDirection8875]

Half of my family is banned from any property I am on (meaning, if there are family gatherings and they show up, I will leave) (and lol, I'm more liked than they are, so everybody else leaves as well)

They threw a tissy the first year but havent contacted anybody since

[u/richvictory2269 → u/InevitableTie4138]

I honestly don’t really want to either… but I would like to know my nephew also

[u/k23_k23 → u/richvictory2269]

You can't, without being a major AH to your partner. Doing that would be supporting racism.

[u/SukunasStan → u/richvictory2269]

You're signing yourself up for a lot of future hurt and silly games courtesy of your brother if you let yourself get close to your nephew.

[u/BigRedJeeper]

NOR - I can’t believe you even left a gift. Wouldn’t that also be “tainted” by the Muslim? You need to go NC with that brother. And LC with any family members who don’t have your back.

[u/TGriggs1978]

That’s an instant block for me. My bf is Indian and ANYONE who has an issue with him automatically has an issue with ME. Hate that for your little nephew though…

[u/Cutecreampie00 → u/TGriggs1978]

Thank you for protecting and defending your BF!

[u/RevolutionarySoup807]

As a society we need to stop making excuses for this intolerable behavior. More people need to stand up it. If your family agrees he’s wrong and they all said they won’t visit because of him it may make your sister realize how wrong he is. Because they’re family is not an excuse for racism.

[u/Swimming_Bonus_8892 → u/RevolutionarySoup807]

This is it. I have shut down contact with my immediate family, “friends”, anyone who is on this racist, hateful, bigoted, ignorance.

OP…I’m sorry, I really am but history is forcing us too choose. You either believe in freedom, justice and equality for all or you don’t. Your brother is unfortunately like my entire family and everyone I grew up around and it’s hard.

It’s hard to leave your home, cut people off, meeting new people is always at least some risk so I get it BUT, you gonna have to choose. Your brother is a moron, I know it, you know it, the family knows it and i would bet my mortgage if the entire family stood up and said NO. If they show that they will not tolerate hate, I know he would change.

When they cant call anyone for help with the baby, when they are ostracized from all family functions and events. When they realize that connection to family is way more important than some learned bigotry… but like mine your family has it backwards. They are letting your brother lord the baby over them with this BS tactic and I can promise it will only get worse.

Cut them loose if you can and this is not harsh or mean. It’s just basic human decency and we’ve gotten to a point to where the racist, bigoted and hateful lord this over us and if we all don’t stand up now, we ARE going to lose any semblance of decency. Peace.

[u/Prestigious-Ear-8877]

Your brother made up a stupid racist rule. Follow it to the letter!!

[u/JohnnyKac → u/Prestigious-Ear-8877]

Muslim = religion

[u/According_Camera7129 → u/JohnnyKac]

"No one with associations to the Muslim community" rips right through that logic

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[u/Veetahle]

NOR. Your brother is a bigot.

[u/Ok_Drink8072]

NOR. Your brother sounds like exactly the type of person who shouldn’t be a parent. And it’s absolutely ridiculous for anyone to say you are “taking it out” on an infant who doesn’t even have object permanence because you did what your brother asked and didn’t come in the house. You’ll see the kid at family gatherings like your brother said. It’s entirely his problem and his rule and all you did was follow it, so how on earth can anyone say you are over reacting or doing something wrong?

[u/MaidMirawyn]

NOR

Your sister-in-law is a bigot and your brother is spineless and, by assenting, agreeing.

It would break my heart to not see my nephew, but if my husband wouldn’t be allowed to visit, I certainly wouldn’t feel comfortable visiting.

I hope someone else in your family grows a backbone and supports you.

If anyone challenges you, ask them if they would be comfortable visiting if their spouse or child weren’t allowed to come. If their spouse were being referred to as “those type of people”.

[u/richvictory2269 → u/MaidMirawyn]

That’s a good point!

[u/Shetanipaah]

"taking it out on him" on your nephew? The baby? Who will have no knowledge/memory of your absence?  If your family truly agrees that it's messed up then they should be saying that it's on your brother to "make an effort" not you. 

If I were you I would have done the same as you.  Can't encourage bigotry like that. Nor at all !

[u/EmotionalAirline1350]

NOR. Being that your boyfriend is Muslim, if you two were to have a child, the child of a Muslim is one by default…your own brother would ban your child from his home if you were to have one with your partner. I would never speak to him again.

[u/richvictory2269 → u/EmotionalAirline1350]

Yeah my bf mentioned that as well, I wouldn’t subject my child to that hatred. But it hurts me that my future child may have to experience such things a lot in their life… I will never understand that kind of hate

[u/ZakuraMicheals777]

NOR , I agree w your sentiments and would be acting the same if I was in your shoes .

I'd be seeing him at the family gatherings as well then ...

[u/AwarenessLoose]

Good your Bf has your back! Do not engage in such behavior.

You did the right thing. NOR

[u/WaffleTruffleTrouble]

NOR. They're blatantly horribly racist

[u/JustMeOttawa]

I would not even talk to my brother again if he said something like that. Sad that your nephew has to be raised in a racist home!

[u/luckygirl131313]

This is so offensive it’s a hill worth dying on, nor, but your family is a bunch of racists and apologists.

[u/hagrho]

Wow, NOR. This is insanely bigoted & I would do everything in my power to protect my partner from this.

I have had to cut ties with almost all of my extended family on my dad’s side because, somehow, my dad turned out to be the only one who believes in science, fact, and morality. I would absolutely never bring my partner around them, even if they were a white man. Much, much less if they were a POC or ethnic/religious minority. It’s a boys club & I know what their misogyny did to me growing up. I would never subject another person to their bs.

I know immediate family is much harder, but your boyfriend is in a very painful, humiliating position.

[u/richvictory2269 → u/hagrho]

I’m so sorry you have had to go through that! Yeah I really feel for my bf as well, it’s so unfair to be subjected to such things just for existing

[u/FrozenDragonWings]

NOR. In fact I think you're under reacting.

My husband is Muslim, and I didn't grow up in a Muslim family. My brother asked for help and coaching to make sure he wasn't accidentally offensive in some way. That is how a brother should react.

I do feel bad for your nephew having to grow up in a house full of hatred, but maybe he will find his way out of it some day.

[u/richvictory2269 → u/FrozenDragonWings]

That’s really sweet! I’d love if my brother was a little more curious and less judgemental, idk where all his hate stems from! It’s not like our parents raised us with that mindset

[u/Unserious_Cow]

NOR you don’t want racist energy in your life. Protect yourself from it Ike they protect their kids from decent people

[u/Past-Anything9789]

NOR - cut them out immediately. These people may be blood, but they've made it obvious they don't see your boyfriend (and by extension you) family.

You never choose the people who force the choice.

[u/Logical-Tough5354]

NOR- your brother is awful and your family sucks for thinking you are in the wrong. Hell, I would have returned the gifts and let everyone know that if they support his position, you can delete me from your life.

[u/richvictory2269 → u/[deleted]]

It’s crazy that people don’t even hear how f’d that is to say

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[u/ScubaCC]

NOR

I would have just said “Now that we know you’re a bigot, we’re not interested in spending time with you.”

[u/EtonRd]

NOR

A newborn doesn’t give a shit whether you were there or not. Are these people crazy?

Your brother is a monster.

[u/SukunasStan]

NOR. You could've gotten in trouble for going inside since you have associations with the Muslim community. I personally though, as cruel as this may sound, suggest that you don't bond with your nephew. Through personal experience, bonding with the child of bad people creates complicated and hurtful situations.

Also someone who'd make a rule like that with the express purpose of causing drama in his sister's romantic life (because trust me, he was not worried that your boyfriend would actually hurt his newborn lol), is going to do other weirdo shit. People who do weirdo shit do weirdo shit. It's best to keep your distance.

[u/richvictory2269 → u/SukunasStan]

Yeah I have had that thought myself, just seems really hard to think that I’ll never get to know my nephew..

Yeah idk what the purpose of the rule is either - I know it’s not aimed at me and my bf personally, since my SIL’s brothers Muslim girlfriend isn’t welcome either. I just can’t see the goal of the rule, they don’t have an issue with him being around Muslims etc outside the house, only inside

[u/CommunityGlittering2]

go see him and take him to a fire station to get a look around.

[u/Double-Correct]

NOR That is shockingly racist. That is far more than just a messed up rule.

Personally I would not want to go into his home, and probably would limit contact, or maybe non at all.

[u/sunflowerhimbo27]

NOR, your brother’s a piece of shit.

[u/k23_k23]

NOR

choose your bf. No more gifts, no more contact with that racist AH and his family.

NOR

[u/lavenderchickenwings]

NOR. this is very screwed up, you can love your nephew and still have zero respect for your brother. i would encourage confronting him about his racist behaviour with another trusted family member there

[u/insuranceguynyc]

NTA. His choice.

[u/Mis73]

I'd be going no contact with him forever if I were you. He's clearly a terrible human being and neither you, nor your boyfriend, need that in your lives.

[u/WitchQueen_]

That’s such disgusting behavior, NOR

[u/Ok_Historian_646]

Wow!!! NOR! Your brother is disgusting! Id go NC if I were you. And the rest of the family can kick rocks! They all think its a horrible rule yet they do nothing to support you and your boyfriend. Tells me they agree with your brother...

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Reading minds

[u/LifeCanBeAboxOfSh-]

NOR.

“No people with associations to the Muslim community” is just that.

I would say when they want you to see the baby; it will be at your home or your other relatives.

I’m am so distressed by reading the post. That I myself have family and friends in all communities; that are also in my DNA; and I pray so often for people to look at the fact that we all pray to the same God.

The powers that be, love stoking the fire to mentally manipulate people fir the purpose if creating chaos have succeeded.

They know that otherwise good people wouldn’t stay apart. But blaming powers that be is a hard thing to get people to understand.

Everyone should recognize that your brother put you in that situation.

I’ve been there and my boyfriend would go to his family home alone; he became my Ex soon after and could never understand why I broke up with him.

In our case it was how he viewed all latinos; instead of placing the blame were it was due and not paint everyone with the same brush.

You’ve chosen to respect your boundaries and I applaud you. May your relationship be prosperous and long. Be well.

[u/According_Camera7129]

NOR. You can tell your family that you won't be seen around anyone with associations to bigots.

[u/brent_bent]

It's a baby, it'll have no memories of you stopping by or not stopping by. Fuck your racist relatives. They FAFOed. 

[u/LissaBryan]

Forward a copy of your brother's texts to anyone who asks and say you won't associate with bigots. Sucks for the kid, but I imagine there will be a lot of terrible things about his upbringing.

NOR

[u/RickRussellTX]

NOR.

Hell no. Don't compromise with racists.

[u/PurplePlodder1945]

NOR and I fear for your nephew growing up in that house. Chances are he’s going to be brainwashed and have the same opinion. At least until he enters the big wide world when he’s older

[u/ranchspidey]

NOR. I’m personally not a fan of organized religion due to the widespread damage it causes, but taking it out on individuals- especially when you only target one religion dominated by people of color- is outrageous and racist.

[u/Life_Scratch_2807]

NOR - what’s next, no blacks?

[u/Infinite-Penalty-736]

FUCK YOUR RACIST BROTHER!

[u/AcrobaticRun5026]

Your brother is a monster... "from those types of people” is he also shielding the baby from yt people who are not good?

[u/Oregonizers]

I tried to navigate my sisters racism for years. She's white. My children are not. She tried to claim she'd gotten better about it all, claimed to love her nieces, but the mindset is there. She started harassing our neighbors. She's no longer allowed on our property. She shows up every year or so to scream obscenities in the driveway at the house. One of these days the cops are going to get her in time to arrest her for DUI, given that she's always drunk as hell doing it & driving.

It's not just about your nephew. What about your wedding? What about how your brother will feel about your kids?

My sister isn't even the only racist in my family, she's just the one I tolerated the longest. Most of my family won't even acknowledge that my Black children exist. Therefore, I no longer acknowledge most of my family exists. I tried, for YEARS, to make it work. My kids were happier when I stopped. I was happier.

[u/YorkPepperMintPaddy]

I'm finding it hard to believe anyone is this ignorant/callous particularly to a family member. But, if it's true I weep for this child.

[u/richvictory2269 → u/YorkPepperMintPaddy]

I wish I could show the text, but it’s not in English

[u/YorkPepperMintPaddy → u/richvictory2269]

I believe you. It's messed up

[u/KillTheIntolerant]

This sounds like a really tough situation, and it sucks you and your partner have to go through this. 

My opinion is that you are only respecting your brother's wishes. This is what he has asked for, and you are graciously accepting his rules and STILL offering gifts at their door. 

You and your boyfriend have gone above and beyond already. If your family has issues, it should be with your brother, who has set the boundaries and rules. 

In your shoes, I would have not even given gifts, and just cut them out of my life, but I am obviously a smaller person at heart than you. 

Yes, your nephew is innocent in all this, but your nephew is governed by the rules of his parents. You will likely have a greater influence by continuing to be the exact type of person you already are, rather than being someone your brother can easily turn into an adversary.

Also, your boyfriend deserves some praise here, too. So unjust, and it seems like both of you are simply trying to find ways to stay true to lofty virtues and principles, instead of creating rifts by demanding anyone take sides. I would be far too petty to act as well as either of you, in the same situation.

[u/richvictory2269 → u/KillTheIntolerant]

Thanks for the kind words! I did feel like going NC in the moment but just couldn’t bear the thought of not getting to know my nephew or be part of his life. I hope that things may change later on…
My mom did tell me that they felt very hurt and guilty after we dropped the gifts of - and that my brother most likely would make a bigger effort to show my bf that he actually likes him next time they meet.

But I feel really ambivalent about that because how can you say “I like you you’re just not welcome in my house”??

[u/DigDugDogDun → u/richvictory2269]

Why is your mother making excuses for your brother’s disgusting behavior instead of tearing him a new asshole? Is she one of those “someone does something heinous and everyone has to be cool with it because FaMiLy” mothers? What could your brother ever possibly do to make it up to your boyfriend after this absolute slap in the face, let alone even look him in the eye? I’m sorry, I don’t think you are going to be able to have it both ways here. You’re not going to be able to have your nephew in your life without insulting your boyfriend deeply, that is, more than your family already has. You’re not going to be seeing much of him without getting together with his awful parents, and unfortunately there’s a good chance by the time he’s grown they’ll have indoctrinated him with their beliefs (though hopefully he’ll learn to think for himself).

[u/richvictory2269 → u/DigDugDogDun]

I wouldn’t say she’s defending him. He talked to her about how hurt he was I didn’t come inside and she did back me up saying it wouldn’t be fair to my bf and so on, she tries to make him see it from the other side but she knows how stubborn he is, and I think she’s also afraid of starting drama between them, so that she can’t see her grandson. Which I kinda understand even tho it’s f’d

But I know she’s hurt by it all and feels like she has failed as a mom

[u/Emotional_Shift_8263]

Tell me someone is an evangelical Christian without telling me they are Christian...🤦‍♀️

[u/richvictory2269 → u/Emotional_Shift_8263]

Funny thing is, they’re not even religious. I mean our country ‘is Christian” but most people here don’t practice religion

[u/chocklityclair]

NOR. My son is Muslim and my partner - who was fine before - has got heavily into X and is constantly shown nasty unwashed opinions which he takes as fact. He makes thick comments about Muslims. I've told him he can get out of my house if he doesn't STFU, and I usually avoid taking him to see my son and his family because I think more of them than that.

In your position I would agree to only see the nephew outside their home. If your bf has a thick skin (I often find that people who are constantly subject to racism have learned that), then maybe he would like to go with you. That's up to you guys.

I'm sorry your brother is ignorant.

[u/RobonianBattlebot → u/chocklityclair]

I would stop dating a bigot, personally.

[u/Cutecreampie00 → u/chocklityclair]

Sorry but why are you still dating this Islamophobic POS ?

[u/richvictory2269 → u/chocklityclair]

Wow that must be really hard to deal with… I mean he does have thick skin but he also wouldn’t admit if it bothered him. He knows how much it means to me, so he wouldn’t want to ‘stand in the way of that’.. I know he would be uncomfortable and that would be all I could think about

[u/PinotBeans]

Islam is not a race.

[u/Human_Ad_2869 → u/PinotBeans]

not inherently, but it is racialized, and you would absolutely struggle to find an islamophobe who wasn’t also entirely racist [eta: specifically, orientalist] toward all arab people (if not others as well)

[u/PinotBeans → u/Human_Ad_2869]

Arab is not a race. Prejudice against certain groups of people based on culture or religion is not necessarily racist. It is often about a misalignment of values. The OP agreed that Islamophobic would be a better term. Racism is insidious, and the term should be used only when it is appropriate and not for differences in culture or values.

BTW I am not defending the brother/girlfriend prohibiting a Muslim in their house. I would allow them in my house, but I would teach my children the values and religious differences that were important to me.

A difference in religion, culture, or values does not equate to racism.

[u/Human_Ad_2869 → u/PinotBeans]

I think this link has a good description of what it means for Islam to be racialized

Honestly, I think it would be difficult to find a genuine cultural or valued difference in Islam that couldn’t equally or equitably be applied to Judaism or Christianity or plenty of other religions (particularly if the evidence is from the holy books themselves) but typically isn’t because those religions are largely perceived as White [or in close proximity to whiteness] in our societal context (Judaism obviously wasn’t always included in this category, but a lot has changed since the Holocaust, and there are still people [neo/nazis] that to this day view Jewish people as non-white savage barbarians that therefore need to be eradicated. it’s able to ebb and flow because it’s all socially constructed. that’s why Irish, Italians, etc. weren’t always considered white either)

if the sibling genuinely cared about what they claim to care about, they wouldn’t only single out Muslims, they’d have said no religious people at all

[u/richvictory2269 → u/PinotBeans]

That’s true! Islamophobic might be the word I was looking for

[u/stulf26]

Just come over with your boyfriend and force them to be the assholes who publicly turn him away.

[u/richvictory2269 → u/stulf26]

I honestly don’t think they would mind doing that

[u/Neither_Animator_404]

Your brother sucks, but Islam is a religion, not a race, so this isn’t necessarily racism.

[u/Less_Connection_9352]

I mean, one apple doesnt spoil the bunch right? if you brother cant even allow him in his own home because hes muslim then that is kindaaa racist. depends on if theres pork, were all drinking and treating woman with dignity and respect? but I assume he would respect another man's home and what they want. as long as it doesnt conflict with his religion then there should be no hate there, your brother got a little racist bone in him, does he really want you there calling him out on how hes gonna raise his son to be the same racist piece of shit he is? noooooo lol so ask him really if hes sure he wants YOU to go. otherwise the bigger problem i forsee is, if your brother/family can never accept him cuz their racist, how would you ever forsee a future with him? idk thats just me I want everyone to get along lmao. either keep the boyfriend just for fun at that boundary or cold shoulder the brother for being a dumbass and do whatever you want. the biggest overall factor tho is, its his home so u gotta respect if he does or doesnt want people there. plus if theres a family gathering next time at your place and your still with the boyfriend, you can play the, well, everyone but the brother can come, just like how he didnt want your muslim boyfriend in his home which you respected, you dont want a racist asshole in yours. see how that plays. lol tit for tat.

[u/MrsRoronoaZoro]

Rage bait post. Well done. 10/10

[u/I_Weep_for_Willow]

This is the ragiest rage bait that ever rage baited. Boo.