r/AmIOverreacting • u/kittyxrose86 • 8h ago
❤️🩹 relationship My boyfriend’s female friend has only been in his life for two years, but he’s in her will, involved with her children, and regularly gets pulled into her crises. Am I overreacting to being uncomfortable with this?
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few months. He has a female friend he’s known for about two years. Her current boyfriend is his best friend and they play in a band together, so we’re all around each other a lot. They met through her current boyfriend.
The friendship seems unusually intense to me. He’s in her will, jokes about getting custody of the kids if she dies (she’s even put that in her will), buys gifts for her children when he travels, and has become involved in various legal issues surrounding her life to the point he’s been dragged into court-related matters and investigated. She is currently battling for full custody of the kids with baby daddy number two.
None of the children belong to her current boyfriend (my boyfriend’s best friend). The fathers are from previous relationships and, according to everyone involved, have caused a lot of problems over the years.
What makes me struggle more is that she’s never been particularly welcoming towards me. When she first met me she warned me not to “take him away from her.” On another occasion she drunkenly told me to go and fuck myself. She also accused me of being after his money despite me having a successful career and assets of my own.
She also seems to create a lot of drama and emergencies. One example was when one of her children supposedly had an emergency and my boyfriend ended up late for dinner with me because she needed his help. It later turned out she mainly wanted him to catch a rabbit she’d accidentally let out into the garden.
To be fair to my boyfriend, when I’ve raised concerns he’s been very understanding. He agrees we’ve spent too much time in his world, has been making an effort to spend more time in mine, and hasn’t dismissed my feelings.
My questions are:
Would this level of involvement with a friend of only two years make you uncomfortable?
Would her behaviour towards me be a red flag?
Am I being unfair because I simply don’t like her?
Does this sound like a normal close friendship, or does it sound emotionally over-involved?
How can I protect myself and my boyfriend at this time?
I’d like to think of myself as a pretty reasonable person, I have no intention of taking him out of her and the kids lives, but this level of involvement is affecting our peace and the amount of fun we have together. I love him but I want a better life for us. It always seems to revolve around her and her latest dramatic situation.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 7h ago
You’re the side piece in this weird dynamic.
Just run while you still can. This is not a fight you’re gonna win, nor should you want to
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u/Shadow4summer 7h ago
Right. You’ve only been with him a few months. Better just to get out now, before you end up raising her kids. They are too intertwined in each other’s life and I definitely wouldn’t be happy about it either. And it sounds as if she’s jealous of you and that’s where the animosity is coming from. Do you really want to the third wheel in your own relationship?
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u/slitteral1 6h ago
If she is having to fight the fathers to get full custody, the bf is not going to get custody if the fathers want the kids. OP likely would never see the kids again if something happened to her and her and her bf were married 100 years. The bf is not going to get visitation or maybe even know where the kids are if the fathers take them
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u/HelpfulName 7h ago
NOR - No normal friendship even in the performing arts circles (which are often intense) involve taking on legal guardianship of your friends kids (And if he's in her will as guardian to her children, then it's not a joke, that is the plan). If that happens then it's a godparent thing.
This is a weird throuple situation (but your BF's best friend may not fully realize it). Your BF is not agreeing with you when you raise your concerns, he's obfuscating with that "we spend too much time in my world" and is trying to distract you from it - you're basically a beard so that he can say "I have my own girlfriend!" if anyone points out how weird the dynamic is.
And I bet if you look back at the pattern of her "emergencies" that only your BF could solve, they all happen when he has plans to see you.
Also, let's say he isn't interested in her at all and you two stay together, and the worst happens and she passes away, he's going to be feeling forced to accept custody of the children she's willed to him - are you willing to be a mother to a bunch of kids not even related to your partner?
He's being evasive about the issue, and the issue is a lot.
Sometimes love isn't enough.
Personally, at only a few months, I would end the relationship because that is a lot of mess to try and unravel or be involved in, especially given his weirdness around it as well.
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u/Dioxybenzone 5h ago
I know many people (i will grant you, performing artists) who have named their friends as godparents. It’s extremely common.
I don’t know about non-performing arts people, but since you chose to specify I felt I should acknowledge that is indeed the case for my anecdotal evidence.
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u/HelpfulName 4h ago
I mean that's exactly what I'm saying, if you put someone in your will to take your kids, they're typically godparents which is a whole involved thing for most people. But randomly adding a friend and they think it's a joke? That's fucking weird.
Relationships (from romantic to friendships) in the performing arts scene are often very intense due to the nature of performing, so co-dependence & overinvolvement is not uncommon, but even for performing arts folks this situation sounds weird. And I'm saying that as someone who has been in performing arts and whose husband is an artist (and who often works in performing arts as well), it's a unique dynamic because of the often pressure-cooker stress & time around shows.
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u/Dioxybenzone 4h ago
Oh wait I didn’t catch that OP’s bf thought it was a joke. That’s not right. My bad
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u/HelpfulName 4h ago
No worries, I had to read her post a few times to make sure I was understanding just how weird he was being about the whole thing. I get the vibe he's trying to downplay how enmeshed he is with her. It would be one thing if he was honest and said "I love her kids and I've agreed to be their godparent and adopt them if the worst ever happens, and she's put this in her will, so that needs to be something the person I'm with long term is OK with as well" - but he's all "it's a joke!" and "We spend too much time in my world..." - just seems evasive af to me.
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u/EnvironmentalSir8140 7h ago
NOR- this is all so weird. I’d dump him and move on. He’s invested in his friend with no room for you. Toxic situation.
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u/AdOld5079 7h ago edited 7h ago
This is weird but I had a somewhat similar situation with my now husband. When we met, he was really close with his best girl friend. They’d know each other majority of their navy career and her long distance boy friend was also his friend. But she also always had issues, constantly relying on my husband (my bf at the time) and was always getting drunk and calling him to rescue her or if she had issues with her LD boy friend, she’d vent to him and come to him for comfort.
At first, I didn’t think it was my place to say or do anything so I let it slide. When we were dating the first month, he’d tell me she’s crashing at his place and that she was sleeping in his bed and he’d sleep on the couch. I was okay with it but then it got to the point where he’d be on his phone comforting her during our dates and it even got so far as they wanted to move in together to save money. That’s where I drew the line and told him I would not be comfortable with that and that I’d potentially just end things w him.
After that, he begged and stayed up all night telling me it’s not what it is and that he doesn’t see her that way, that he sees her as a “bro” or a “sister”. He kept his word and tbh, he never showed any real affection for her. He’s just a nice guy. I met her eventually bc she had told him she really wanted to meet me, well, we met and she showed up drunk and late and very rude to me and that’s when I knew she had a thing for my then bf (now husband) and did not like me.
Safe to say, 8 years later and my husband hasn’t spoken to her since they graduated C school in the navy and he’s the most loyal man I’ve ever met. So my advice is to have the conversation with your bf and he doesn’t agree, leave him girl.
Edit: NOR btw.
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u/Joatboy 7h ago
IMO the will part alone isn't that weird, as he's the best friend with her current bf. Like, if she assumes they'll stay together, your bf could be a natural candidate to take the kids if she and bf die in a crash or something.
It's all the other stuff that makes the whole package weird.
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u/Dioxybenzone 7h ago
Yeah I don’t at all understand the other comments focusing on the will part. A parent should have plans for the worst, I don’t see the problem with that part at all.
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u/slitteral1 6h ago
But having someone you have only known for two years as the one to get custody of your kids is a little weird.
Then there is the fact that custody will go to the fathers regardless of what her will says. Her putting that in the will is just for show for OP’s bf as long as the fathers are a live and want the kids, then any living relative would have first option on taking the kids in before OP’s bf ever got a second thought.
The showiness of this coupled with all the other things going on between them makes their dynamic very weird and questionable.
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u/MeanTemperature1267 7h ago
I mean, I wouldn't trust someone I've only known for two years with any of that stuff. if they are lifelong friends, sure, but their relationship is still just a toddler. That's a big ol' no from me.
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u/Dioxybenzone 6h ago
How much time would be right for you? I feel like that’s a very subjective preference
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u/MeanTemperature1267 6h ago
I'd have to say baseline 5-6 years. When I think of the number of friendships that have fallen by the wayside after a bit of time, there are far more of those than there are longstanding, ride-or-die ones.
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u/mashapicchu 7h ago
NOR, if it were me I'd leave and make it clear it's because of this bizarre enmeshed dynamic he has with someone he hasn't known for very long so he can understand the impact it's going to have on his future relationships.
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u/yalldointoomuch 7h ago
NOR, girl- you're under-reacting.
Her current boyfriend has not yet realized that she's in love with your boyfriend and wants to replace you.
If she's put "bf gets my kids if I die" into her will, that's no longer "joking around". That's a legal document that courts take seriously, because it's concerning children's welfare.
She's told you how she really feels with the "don't take him away from me" and "go fuck yourself". The fact that your bf hasn't shut it down means that at a minimum, he likes the attention.... and at worst, he might be actively cheating with her.
Run, and run fast, from all this weirdness.
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u/Salt_Nail_950 7h ago
Ive been friends with my best friend of the opposite gender for 18 years. I would not put him in my will unless I made him a godfather to my children, but that would be run by my partner first obviously. I would NEVER tell his partner to fuck off or accuse them of "taking him away from me" because 1 I would never want my best friends partners to feel worried about me and 2 he isnt my possession to take. This dynamic is very weird. Ask her bf about it.
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u/Ashtonia_Melvonious 7h ago
NOR He's in her will? Wtf? Idk, you shouldn't waste your time on someone who is already so severely involved with someone else, even if they aren't exactly in a relationship.
yes, it would make me more than uncomfortable.
her behavior toward you is more than a red flag. it's a big blinking warning sign.
you're being unfair to yourself.
it sounds like they are too twisted up in each other, so he shouldn't have pursued someone else, only to make their problems your problems too.
you can protect yourself by removing yourself from this situation and leaving them to their insanity.
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u/kittyxrose86 6h ago
Advocating for my own needs has been a journey for me this year. I’m slowly recalibrating on what is normal and I try and give benefit of the doubt. I think I’ve probably done that too much in this scenario
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u/SirBigMan 7h ago
Yikes, what a strange dynamic, especially because hes best friends with her BF. I would assume she would go to her bf first not yours.
I dont think your over reacting at all, I do like that he is being open about it and it seems like a lot of it revolves around the kids but still this feels like he should put some more boundaries for sure.
Also, what was the cause of her telling you to fuck yourself?
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u/kittyxrose86 7h ago
I said that I’d already eaten and didn’t want the food she was cooking lmao
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u/SirBigMan 7h ago
Good lord, yeah this girl might have a problem with you and I think we both know it's that youre with the guy she wants to be with.
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u/ShamanBirdBird 7h ago
Wills? Custody agreements?
Those are LIFE PARTNER level decisions. Not friends.
They either wish they were together, or they already are together.
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u/machinezed 7h ago
Does he stick up for you? Does he even know how she is treating you? Yes it is strange he is in the will, why isn’t her boyfriend the one to be a parent to the kids and not your boyfriend. It sounds like he is more important to her life, and maybe he is a push over/people pleaser, but shouldn’t she be relying on her boyfriend.
If he isn’t willing to stick up for you, you have a boyfriend problem. NOR
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u/kittyxrose86 7h ago
In his defense, he absolutely has stuck up for me. He witnessed when she told me to go and fuck myself and he got very angry with her.
She also physically picked me up when him and I were sat having a drink to try and get me out of my seat. He initially panicked and was in disbelief, as was I, but he quickly moved to defend me
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u/scarlettcrush 6h ago
And he didn't see anything wrong with that behavior?
He kept her in his life and continues to help her even though she acts like this. Wild
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u/Throwaway4privacy77 6h ago
Indeed. It’s not enough to react to such situations if he doesn’t do anything to address the root cause.
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u/lavenderchickenwings 7h ago
NOR, unfortunately you’ve been exposed to a weird unexplained dynamic that isn’t worth your energy, i’d leave before it gets too messy. of course, if you really love him and you wanna spend the rest of your life with him, it’s time to confront him about her rude behaviour towards you and how their closeness makes you uncomfortable and that he needs to prioritize you
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u/SmarmyLittlePigg 7h ago
NOR. I would not put up with that bullshit. My partner would be rightfully pissed if a friend of his accused me of being after his money and told me to go fuck myself. She also needs to contact her own boyfriend for emergencies.
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u/katloveseevee 7h ago
NOR. It seems like she’ll always come first and you’ll always come last. It’s been a few months dating so you could either snap him out of it or this is who you’ll be with and boyfriend like him does not seem good.
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u/Cute-Stick730 7h ago
Ask him if he's her kids dad. That is a strange relationship to have with just a friend. Also weird that she already has a will but some people are really prepared for that i guess.
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u/Dioxybenzone 7h ago
Parents should have wills. It isn’t an unreasonable preparation.
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u/Cute-Stick730 7h ago
I didn't mean it was unreasonable. It's just not too common for younger parents to have one from what i know.
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u/Dioxybenzone 6h ago
You should tell your friends with kids to make a will. Prepare for the unexpected.
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u/slitteral1 6h ago
But having the best friend of her current bf in the will is weird.
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u/Crimsonfangknight 6h ago
Maybe she doesnt have family. In which case her best friend would be who she trusts most to look after the kids if she dies
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u/slitteral1 5h ago
If her best friend is someone she has known 2 years, then the bf needs to take a long hard look as to why he is sitting in that position.
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u/Crimsonfangknight 5h ago
Your comment sounds ignorant of the very concept of adult friendships
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u/Dioxybenzone 5h ago
Maybe they don’t have friends? It’s my best guess as to how they have this opinion
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u/Crimsonfangknight 5h ago
Maybe theyre former best friend drifted away over the years maybe ops bf has proven the greatest friends shes had all this time etc.
“Only people i knew in pre k can be my friend!” Is a very limited view on friendship
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u/slitteral1 27m ago
You don’t leave your children’s future up to someone you have only know for 2 years, and the only reason you know is because they are your bf’s bff. You pick someone with similar values and beliefs to yours so your children will be raised in a very similar way to how you would have raised them.
However, all of this is meaningless as the fathers are both alive and they would get the kids first regardless of her will. Then the families of her and each of the fathers would get first option on taking the kids well before OP’s ever was talked to about him taking them. He has virtually no shot of ever having those kids, so her little story she is naming him guardian is a pointless endeavor with some ulterior motive
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u/Dioxybenzone 6h ago
Why?
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u/slitteral1 5h ago
Because they have only known each other for two years. Are you really so dense you can’t understand why making the lifelong guardian of your kids and their development requires someone you have absolute trust in and know relatively close to how well you know your family. You don’t just pick some random friend to assume that role.
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u/Dioxybenzone 5h ago
Oh we’re just doing insults now? I was hoping for a discussion but clearly that’s not going to happen, have a good day.
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u/slitteral1 32m ago
Well, you keep asking questions the answer to is obvious. You don’t tie your kids future to someone you don’t really know in the event you die. You pick someone you know that their moral compass and belief system matches your’s and what you want your children to grow into as an adult. That is why most people pick family members that have been raised similarly or that they truly know. You don’t pick someone that the only reason you know them is because they are your bf’s best friend. They have only known each other for 2years max and change such details in your will is not a one week change, and then their is the fact that what she has in her will is absolutely meaningless if the fathers or their families want the children. OP’s bf is so down the list behind blood relatives that he likely would never see those kids again if she died. This is just a ploy on her part to make OP’s bf believe they are more, when in reality it holds no legal weight at all.
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u/Dioxybenzone 25m ago
So you’re concerned they don’t know each other well enough, but also aware of how unlikely it is for it to matter?
I’m just gonna let you sit with that. I’m done responding to you.
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u/slitteral1 1m ago
No, I think all of the responses about this being concerned about her naming him their guardian (which I doubt ever happened) are focused on the wrong thing. You are wise to have a guardian picked out if you have children, but that has to be someone who will raise the kids similarly to how you would. You don’t know someone well enough to entrust that to them in less than 2 years. Keep in mind she was first introduced to OP’s bf 2 years ago, not that they have been ride or die besties for 2 years. I don’t have to sit with anything. You need to open your mind and actual listen and try to understand what is being said to you.
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u/Visual-Fox-9110 7h ago
NOR....but if this relationship is affecting your peace, I would be questioning the whole dynamics.
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u/rosykyun 7h ago
NOR just save yourself the stress and leave this relationship she will always go before you
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u/Glittering_Swan4911 7h ago
Walk away. They have a very odd dynamic and her disrespectful behaviour towards you needed to be addressed by your boyfriend. She’s jealous of you and nothing will change. I’d ask him why he’s not moved in and in a relationship with her. She clearly wants him.
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u/I_Weep_for_Willow 7h ago
You are brand new, sorry. They have a bond, and if you come in hot you're going to lose him.
"How can I protect myself and my boyfriend at this time?"
Protect from what exactly? You should probably just break up. You're not going to 'win' this. Good luck.
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u/kittyxrose86 7h ago
This is a very fair comment and I would agree with you. I don’t know what’s got me so backwards about the whole thing
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u/dehydratedrain 7h ago
NOR. You should be one of the main characters in your own relationship. She's needy, and he gets off on being the hero.
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u/CptSmarty 7h ago
The only Will he should ever be in right now are his parents.
Run.
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u/Dioxybenzone 7h ago edited 6h ago
Why should the only will he’s in be his parents’?
Edit: do you only have your children in your will? If so, why?
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u/CptSmarty 4h ago
Why would he be on anyone else's Will? I'll give grandparents, but some random woman?! That flag couldnt be any more red.
I have a spouse and children. Yes. Why? because I love them and if something happens to me, it assists with the transfer of money and assets.
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u/Dioxybenzone 4h ago
I didn’t ask why a spouse or children would be in your will. But is no one else? Just them? You don’t have anything you’d leave to a friend?
Also, why don’t your children have god parents? What if something happens to you and your spouse?
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u/CptSmarty 4h ago edited 4h ago
I didn’t ask why a spouse or children would be in your will.
do you only have your children in your will? If so, why?...........you did.........
I would not leave anything to a friend. My spouse and children are more important than any friend.
Even if they did have godparents, that has nothing to do with the transfer of funds/assets..........
You clearly do not understand what a Will entails.
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u/Dioxybenzone 4h ago edited 4h ago
Edit: because we’re apparently editing old comments and putting the information first: I asked why you would only have your children in your will. Which you don’t! Your spouse is also in your will. Please try reading more carefully.
Original comment: I cannot relate to your experience with what friendship is.
No one mentioned the transfer of funds/assets. OP mentioned that their bf is the godparent of her children, and it’s not like he doesn’t know. He presumably was asked first.
If either of us are unclear about what a will entails…
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4h ago
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u/AmIOverreacting-ModTeam 4h ago
Your comment has been removed as it was deemed uncivil, or crossed the line into abusive/harassing language. While /r/AmIOverreacting has a generally high tolerance for heated discussion, we ask that your comments contain substantial, on-topic contributions to the discussion, and don't contain flagrantly abusive language that muddy the waters and prevent further helpful discussion from occurring. Political/racial/cultural conversation is also removed when it's out of hand.
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u/Dioxybenzone 4h ago edited 4h ago
“do you only have your children in your will?”
vs.
“Why would you have your children in your will?”
If you think those are the same question, you’re the one who’s illiterate. Wild that you were able to quote it and still not understand the question
Edit: I see you’ve blocked me. That’s fine. It’s nice to see by your response you still can’t understand the context of “why?”. Take your own advice, I’m sure you have a library just as close as I do.
But because I’m feeling nice, I’ll spell it out for you: I asked why you would only have your kids in your will. Which you cant answer, as your spouse is also in your will. A smarter person could have deduced my next question, “why would you only have your spouse and your kids in your will?” But you never answered that so I assume you didn’t have access to the cognitive tools necessary to do so.
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u/CptSmarty 4h ago
do you only have your children in your will? If so, why?I have a spouse AND children. (This answers if I ONLY have children; this provides the very clear answer that I have both....)
If so, why?This is the WHY question.
Both those questions were presented, and I answered them.
They have free reading classes at your local library. You should check them out.
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u/Accomplished-Mess603 7h ago
I found it really normal, till you said how she acts towards you. Your boyfriend is understanding, so I wouldnt call the relationship quits now. But it doesnt get better or he stops being understanding, then you can leave withoit feeling bad.
Of course I want to be the best friend of my boyfriend, but if she is nice and was there before me I understand that it there are roles in play.
NOR I think your boyfriend may not realize it, but she is weirdly fixated on him
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u/dragontehanu 7h ago
MOR the answer is that it depends on how he treats her. Is he just attached to the kids and is a nice person? Or is he leaning into emotional intimacy with this woman and her children? If it’s the latter, big red flag… just get out of the situation tbh. If he’s just a nice guy who’s been taken advantage of, have a discussion about boundaries with this woman.
I’m not someone who doesn’t think people can’t be friends with the opposite sex or other genders, but emotional intimacy should be for partners only, that’s where I draw the line.
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u/Sufficient-Meeting35 7h ago
So u like to groupie bands…(?)
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u/kittyxrose86 7h ago
Hahahaha would seem so - turns out it’s not as fun as I initially thought 😂😂
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u/Sufficient-Meeting35 7h ago
Yeah, they r just grade schoolers….dump n move on….(shudder…..bad mems).
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u/Counterboudd 7h ago
I would set an incredibly hard boundary here and if he waivers at all, you need to walk. I do think occasionally men don’t get the dynamics involved and he may think she’s a sad case who needs rescuing, has bad luck, etc. and not realize the game she’s playing. Some women get off on claiming other people’s men and proving that they can control them and make them choose them over their own girlfriends. I suspect that’s what is happening here even if nothing romantic or sexual is going on. She’s doing it to try to humiliate you and put herself on a pedestal over you.
I remember I had an ex where our relationship was kind of on the rocks, and he seemed like he was disinvested from me and putting all his efforts into his various “friends” at my expense. I gave him a sort of last chance to spend time together and work to fix things between us. On the date, of course his close female friend who was also a sex worker with some troubled life called him. He answered the phone and chatted with her for the majority of the date. I basically had a conniption fit and he said I was a bad person because she was getting evicted and I was being heartless for not empathizing with this person who was his close friend. Meanwhile I literally asked him for three hours of his undivided attention and he couldn’t give me that without prioritizing this rando above me. At the end of the day, no real relationship can develop if you aren’t their top priority (excepting if they have kids, or for sick parents etc- obviously there are exceptions). The question is why he keeps choosing this woman over you. Either he needs to admit his feelings for her or he needs to accept that he doesn’t actually value you that much at this point to where everyone else in his life seems to be able to domineer all his energy. In that case, do you really want to be with someone like that?
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u/Ok-Hedgehog-4455 7h ago
Yeah that sounds really weird and fucked up. You are totally not OR. Tbh you sound really nice and my advice would be to consider whether you really want to waste any more time on this guy as this dynamic isn’t changing any time soon.
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u/slowasaspeedingsloth 6h ago
NOR
Absolutely not overreacting. In fact, you need to get out of that ASAP.
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u/scarlettcrush 6h ago
NOR- why isn't her actual boyfriend in her will and having custody of her children if she should pass?
Why is op's boyfriend more responsible in her life than the man she is sleeping with and having an actual relationship with?
Is he just staying around to make up for his friend's lack of involvement with girlfriend? Then you came along and he's really interested in you. So now he's stuck with the dynamic? At any rate, it seems like a big bundle of mess to work out.
Him being late so he can catch a rabbit in someone's yard. Would definitely make my red flag card. It should have made his, he should have walked in. Saw what it was and walked out immediately without solving her problem.
Her telling me to gtfo, telling me not to take him away from her should have been red flags for him. The fact that they weren't is telling.
You're the third wheel in this relationship, I don't know if you can fix that or if you even should try. Perhaps you breaking up with him will wake this dude up to how weird controlling And unnatural this connection is.
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u/Oregonizers 5h ago
When I was a young single mother, I became really close with my ex's old boss. He actually became Godfather to our child. He knew (in fact, he testified against my ex) that my ex was actively trying to kill me or hire someone to do it & if something had happened to me, he'd have continued in her life as a favorite Uncle kind of figure.
There's never been ANYTHING between me & Trevor. Never even a hint. When he started dating a single mom with kids, he'd bring my daughter to go bowling with them, my daughter had slumber parties with them & she's now godmother to his young daughter.
Sometimes people meet the family they were meant to have and it's beautiful.
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u/smitten--vixen 7h ago
Something I always come back to in situations like this is my understanding of the building blocks for love. From my perspective, love is fostered through the components of intimacy and time. Intimacy, in this regard, is a wide umbrella. It can look like romantic or platonic emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and familial bonds.
It sounds to me like your partner shares at least two forms of intimacy (emotional and familial) with this woman and has spent a lot of time with her. That is not to say his intentions aren't above board, but nonetheless the ingredients for love are percolating under the surface of their relationship. It stands to reason that they could fall into an unintended love triangle---if they haven't already done so---through this continued pattern.
The questions I would ask myself in the situation, concern how much am I willing to sacrifice for this relationship.
More specifically: * Does it make sense to pour into a situation in which an extra-relational love-connection is afoot?
Will he be receptive to course-correcting his unintended exacerbation of this dynamic?
Do you want to engage in a situation rife with insecurity and codependence?
None of us can answer these questions for you. But, something that is very telling is his sympathetic response to your concerns thus far. If I were in your shoes, I would broach another conversation with him and be curious. Ask why it is important that he pours into a relationship so fervently with someone who already has a support system (her boyfriend)? Ask if the roles were reversed, how would he feel?
Ultimately, your concerns are valid and your approach thus far seems to be beyond fair to his emotions (albeit, at the cost of your own). I wish you luck, and I am absolutely positive that if this man decides to handle the circumstances poorly, there is someone out there who will not make you 'compete' for his love.
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u/scarlettcrush 6h ago
NOR- just to add, I think you and many people do not realize how bad of a parent you have to be to lose custody of your children as a mother.
The goal of the state is to unify even if the mother is actively on drugs, even if the mother is dating many different abusive men, even if the mother doesn't have staple housing. She only has to be stable and toe the line for 6 months in order to get custody of children back.
She must have done something really heinous to lose control of more than one child. She seems like the type that really wants child support too so, it had to have been pretty bad for her to lose her income source.
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u/Crimsonfangknight 6h ago
You arent wrong for feeling u comfortable opp gender friendships can be tricky
Also its possible to become extremely close with people in short time spans
One of my best friends and i have only become this close in the last year or two but have known each other for a eleven years total.
I met her kids and her ex husband even her family. She comes to me when shes struggling and need advice or a shoulder to cry on. We are friends after all
However the key is to always remain respectful of the friends SO
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u/WolverineNo8799 5h ago
Sounds like she treats him as a husband, and he strangely allows her to do this. Why isn't her boyfriend doing all of the things your boyfriend is doing? Are they a thruple?
If he doesnt either cut her off completely or pull back to being a friend and not a husband, then I personally would walk away.
Updateme!
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u/RomanceBkLvr 5h ago
NOR
I would talk with him. If he can’t set boundaries then I wouldn’t continue with the relationship. He shouldn’t put her first. She has only been his friend for two years and if he is really available for a relationship, she shouldn’t be a priority in that he cancels on you for her or puts her needs first. If he can’t set and keep boundaries then you are looking at a lot of drama in your future.
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u/aethelberga 4h ago
It's only been a few months. Cut your losses. In case of tragedy, do you really want to help raise this woman's kids?
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 42m ago
Why is she not asking her own boyfriend to do everything your boyfriend is doing? There’s no way I’d be getting caught up in whatever the dyamics are that are happening here. He say he understands what you are saying but what actions has he taken to set boundaries?
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u/FitTraffic8777 7h ago
NOR-This is a big reason my husband and I don't have friends of the opposite sex, ijs.
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u/kimmysharma 7h ago
Tell him no more contact the woman is working on making him baby daddy number 3
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u/Leading_Offer5995 7h ago
At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter how “we” would feel or react on this one. Some would be fine with it, some wouldn’t.
I have a couple of extremely close female friends, for close to 30 years now. I dated one when we were teens, the other was her best friend, we’re in our 40s now and still best friends even though all three of us married other people. Nobody is trying to have sex with anyone else, we are legitimately just close friends.
That works for us. It works for our spouses. It wouldn’t work for everyone.
My personal take is if you’ve only been together a few months, you’re not really in position to demand that he make big changes in his life — especially if he’s been taking on a dad-like role in these kids lives. It’s entirely possible he will choose the kids over you, if forced into an ultimatum.
I would just ask yourself “Am I happy in this relationship as it currently stands?”
If not, then this probably isn’t worth putting much more time into, because he’s not likely to become LESS attached to the kids over time.
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u/Throwaway4privacy77 7h ago
Why is he a dad-like figure for her kids when this woman has a boyfriend in addition to their actual dads and it’s not even like they know each other since childhood (literally 2 years is nothing). If I were OP and was with this guy for a short time, i’d cut my losses and leave. Better now than later.
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u/Leading_Offer5995 7h ago
I don’t know. It sounds at a glance like their actual dads aren’t good dads and maybe the boyfriend has no interest in being a dad? Don’t know, and the answer wouldn’t change my advice.
If you’re this unhappy this early into a relationship about something that isn’t likely to improve with time, take a step back and reassess.
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u/slitteral1 6h ago
Good dads or not, bf will never have custody of the kids unless a long list of people decline to take them in. This is just for show on her part to reel the bf in.
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u/insuranceguynyc 6h ago
OP must understand that she’s this guy’s goomah. If that’s OK with OP, then full steam ahead. If OP is expecting more out of a relationship, OP should just move on.
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u/kittyxrose86 6h ago
What does goomah mean please?
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u/Such_Gear_6752 7h ago
Is she hot?
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u/kittyxrose86 7h ago
Objectively, I am more attractive
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u/MeanTemperature1267 7h ago
LOVE TO SEE IT!
Seriously. It makes me so sad to hear women downplay themselves for fear of being called vain or insulted -- I love seeing you own that you're a baddie.
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u/Throwaway4privacy77 7h ago
NOR. Doesn’t sound normal at all. I wouldn’t date anyone whose best friend told me to fuck off and it didn’t affect their relationship…