r/AmIOverreacting • u/boss-a-lik3390 • 9h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO: My girlfriend snooped through my phone while I was sleeping and read texts where I was venting to my mom about her.
My girlfriend (24F) and I (23M) have been together for about 6 months. Lately, we’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch and having some recurring arguments. A few nights ago, after a particularly frustrating fight, I texted my mom to vent. My mom is my rock, and I just needed to talk to someone I trust to get some perspective and clear my head. I didn't say anything cruel, but I was brutally honest about how frustrated I was feeling.
Fast forward to last night. I fell asleep on the couch, leaving my phone on the coffee table. I woke up around midnight to my girlfriend upset.
It turns out she took my phone while I was dead asleep and went straight to my texts. She read the entire conversation between me and my mom.
She then proceeded to not understand why what she did was wrong. I just feel like she went behind my back and betrayed my trust by reading texts not meant for her. On top of that, I deliberately didnt tell her the names of my exes because thats none of her business. She found out all of their names last night and got upset by it.
Am I overreacting?
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u/BugLady420 9h ago
NOR
She went through something personal without your permission, you are allowed to vent to your mother about whatever you want
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u/RevolutionaryHole69 9h ago edited 6h ago
Lol. Yeah you are. But let's not gloss over the fact that a grown man is venting to his MOTHER about his girlfriend or partner instead of actively working on it or making plans to leave. 🤙
So yeah, no overreaction. But also what the fuck. 😂
EDIT: thanks for the award stranger.
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u/insert_title_here 9h ago
Are people supposed to stop talking to their parents and viewing them as a source of emotional support the moment they turn 18? This is an extremely bizarre notion.
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u/HotDonnaC 2h ago
What’s bizarre is the notion that it’s ok to shit talk your gf to your mother, but when they find out, they’re not allowed to be upset about it. He had no right to air their laundry to his mom.
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u/insert_title_here 39m ago
Shit talking is one thing, seeking advice is another. I would be very hurt if I found out my partner had been shit talking me with a family member. Being upset in that circumstance is entirely reasonable. If I found out he was trying to "gain perspective" and seek out a solution to a problem we were having together, which is what OP's post actually says, that is a different thing entirely. Funnily enough, the differing perspectives we seem to have here in this comment section-- which category OP's interaction with his parent actually falls into-- may well mirror the differing perspectives that OP and his GF seem to hold.
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u/lowlifelose3r 9h ago
Maybe he needed someone else’s input on the situation, and the person who could help him is his mother.
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u/RevolutionaryHole69 9h ago
That's the kind of person you don't want to be in a relationship with. Have you ever tried it? It's horrible.
You never want to be in a relationship with a mama's boy.
Coming from a South Asian culture, there's a huge epidemic going on where men people don't actually grow up.
They go from being under their mother's care to under their girlfriend's care and then their wife's care. Directly passing between phases without actually doing any growing up in between.
Speaking as a man, you need to grow the fuck up before you get yourself into a relationship.
Unless of course you're 15, then that's different.
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u/Prodrumer43 9h ago
There’s also a huge difference between having a healthy relationship with your parents, being able to vent to them, and being a mamas boy.
I’d say going through your SOs texts and especially to their parents, wtf?, is way worse in this situation. You’re just making wild assumptions.
You sound like the type of dude who also thinks crying is unmanly grow up.
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u/Leading-Antelope-139 7h ago
Having a relationship with your mom where you’re close enough to vent to her doesn’t make you a mamas boy
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u/lowlifelose3r 9h ago
I’m 18 lol, I’ll be 19 this year. Though him venting to his mom doesn’t mean he’s a mama’s boy. You could be right though that does happen a lot more nowadays but I go to my mom about ANY and EVERYTHING. Yes I’ve been in a rls with a mamas boy before and it wasn’t anything like op’s story
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u/NicolinaN 9h ago
Toxic masculinity much? I think it’s absolutely wonderful he can talk to his mom.
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u/birbman2 6h ago
Can you imagine being in a relationship with someone that thinks every issue needs to be addressed and “fixed” via (most likely) them complaining to you until they get their way, and if not therapy and couples counseling?
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u/causual_catastrophe 9h ago
god forbid a man has a good relationship with his mother? i vent to my parents all the time when im in the heat of
the moment and need another perspective•
u/vettechrockstar86 8h ago
I am not fortunate enough to have the kind of parents that I can trust and open up to like this. My husband absolutely does. When we were first dating I didn’t really understand it, of course I was all of 18 years old and barely understood how to tie my own shoes lol. Over the years I’ve changed my opinion big time. I learned that sometimes it’s easier to have a sounding board to get what you want to say straight before going to your partner. Of course a key point there is that you still need to talk to your partner but it can really help to…have a dry run. It can really help you find the right words.
20+ years later and I am lucky enough to have parents, granted in laws but parents all the same, to talk to when I need a little extra support. My father in law and I are very close, he says I’m the daughter he always wanted and I say he’s the father I always wished for. My husband is very close with his parents, his mother and he are very similar so I think he finds her a little…easier to talk to? I’m not sure how to say it right. But we both know that we can always talk to them when we need some guidance. And no matter how old you get, we can all use a little guidance from time to time.
I’m glad that he has his mother to talk to, even if I do still get a little jealous that I will never have that with my own mother. He loves how close I am to his dad, he encourages me to talk to his dad. “Better out than in”. For me it’s kinda like a diary. It’s not always how you actually feel it’s just the venting process. It’s getting the poison out before it can do any lasting damage. Once that chaotic swirl of thoughts has been removed from your mind it’s easier to say what you really think in a productive way.
If you have a parent that you can trust like that, you’re so very lucky and should always be grateful. Some of us had to find them later in life, sometimes too late to heal everything that’s broken.
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u/RevolutionaryHole69 9h ago
Surely not about your partner. It's different to moan about how quickly the grass grows and needs mowing.
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u/HotDonnaC 2h ago
This right here. OP didn’t say what he told his mother. He “didn’t say anything cruel, but was brutally honest”, according to his post.
His girlfriend is most likely justifiably livid that he shit talked her, instead of trying to work it out between the two of them.
Edited for grammar.
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u/jcaashby 9h ago
OP is close to his mom. Nothing wrong with getting her opinion on his relationship.
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u/Fabulous_Celery_1817 9h ago
People are allowed to vent. It’s when they’re trashing talking and name calling that crosses the line, or when they ask their family members to do stuff to mess with the partner. Where else would they go? It shows that they have a healthy parent-child relationship because he can go to someone more experienced for advice.
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u/Gloomy_Effective322 9h ago
OP - NOR.
This is a bad take. I'm sorry that you have a relationship with your family that you don't feel like you could talk to them when you're having a hard time.
How about you give us a list of who it is okay to vent to when a grown man has problems and what issues it's okay to vent about.
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u/RevolutionaryHole69 9h ago
You should absolutely not be venting to your parents about your relationship. That's something for a therapist, couples counseling, things that actively seek to solve the problem together.
At the moment you exclude your partner and start talking to your parents behind their back, your relationship is done.
How old is everyone in the comments? Is this podcast for people that are 15?
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u/birbman2 9h ago
Have you stopped to consider if everyone else is saying you’re wrong, you are in fact wrong?
Going so far as to blame your entire culture about it rather than accept that venting to your closest people is healthy.
Go complain to your therapist about it and fix it.
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u/RevolutionaryHole69 9h ago
I'm not sure how many upvotes the other comments have but mine have several, it appears people are agreeing with me?
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u/birbman2 9h ago
I have photos of you being -1 to -2 on all of them. Don’t know how to share them.
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u/RevolutionaryHole69 9h ago
No need I just refreshed, under zero on most of my comments. That's too bad. Sometimes you got to be unpopular when you're right!
I'm just saying, if my partner was talking about me in a negative way and venting, that's the key word here, VENTING, then the relationship would be over from my side.
I think it's wild that anyone would allow themselves to be handled that way.
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u/birbman2 9h ago
Venting means there’s something they’re unhappy about but nothing wrong with the relationship to “fix”. It’s a healthy way to “handle” not getting exactly what you want, being upset, but acknowledging there’s nothing to “change” regarding the relationship because the other person is a person. It can and does happen everyday between friends, coworkers, siblings, parents etc. literally anyone you feel safe with.
If you are not going to accept a partner that doesn’t vent about you you are deluding yourself or will be single forever.
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u/YorkPepperMintPaddy 9h ago
Are you serious? I'm in my early 60's, been happily married since the 80's and my adult children will occasionally ask my advice or experience on life with their spouse. Not every issue needs the attention of a professional.
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u/Weak_Armadillo6575 5h ago
This is so weird and sad. I’ve never been able to talk to my parents about anything deeply personal. Not because they did anything wrong but my own hangups about sharing personal stuff. If someone has a deep relationship like this with their parents it should be celebrated, not mocked.
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u/Prudent-Roof8124 9h ago edited 9h ago
Oh, you are not overreacting. That is a breach of privacy and trust that is hard to overcome. We all need the ability to share our thoughts about our relationships with people that are close to us.
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u/NinaLeeRay 9h ago
This is what therapy is for. Venting to family and friends will cause more tension in the relationship as the issue becomes bigger
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u/NinaLeeRay 9h ago
Still she shouldn’t have invaded privacy especially so early on. This seems like a lack of security and communication
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u/No_Road5857 2h ago
Sorry what?? You're going around telling people they need a paid subscription to sharing feelings? Fucking wild.
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u/Kind-Step-4404 4h ago
Not necessarily ? You could vent and feel better afterwards or make progress by yourself, reçoive good advice from your family or friends...
I myself have been in therapy but there are issues that can be solved without (one could argue that the goal of therapy could be to be able to be better equiped to deal with issues without therapy at some point)
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u/NinaLeeRay 4h ago
Depends how you are venting. And how angry you are when venting. Regardless if you are having big feelings, that don’t necessarily align with your actions towards your partner as a whole, you may get over it but the family and friends won’t. And later they will hold a tally. This is has been the case is many therapy cases. (Signed, a therapist in therapy)
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u/No_Road5857 2h ago
Lmaooo okay she's a therapist that makes sense now of course she wants you to buy her subscription to basic human connection.
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u/Gweilo_mama 9h ago
NOR. Going through someone else's phone is a huge violation of privacy. She broke your trust and doesn't even understand what she did wrong. Huge 🚩🚩🚩
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u/Weary_Minute1583 9h ago
NOR for her going onto your phone. At 6 months you are still getting to know one another. Open book policies with phone, laptops, etc is earned and only if you are comfortable with it.
The problem is going to mommy with your couples problem. BTW I’m a mom. Once you agree to be a couple you should be discussing problems together. Family is biased. Family is protective. You at some point may forgive and forget. Family never forgets.
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u/Over-Method-1216 9h ago
You both have trust issues and should just breakup. NOR. She was very wrong for what she did but your no telling her the name of exes is weird too. Guys use that as a way to claim "were just friends" or other crap.
Break up and go date people you both actually trust!
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u/imliterallyjustagirl 9h ago
MHM! She was wrong, but his actions aren’t too great either. They should end it immediately.
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u/No_Negotiation_3678 7h ago
i think it’s extremely weird you wouldn’t tell her your exes names, like what’s the reasoning there? yall still friends? there’s nothing wrong with venting to your mom, but that’s an easy way to make your mom dislike her and the relationship won’t last. nobody wants a boy mom mil. after all that still NOR, going through someone’s phone is never okay, despite the fact you also suck here.
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u/Nadja-19 6h ago
Her going through your phone is a huge breach of trust. She had no right. But a little relationship tip, don’t vent to parents. You get over whatever it is making you upset but parents may not. Mommas get very protective of their babies no matter how old they are. It’s best to vent to a friend.
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u/Laceylolbug 9h ago
What's wrong with telling her the names of your exes? How is it none of her business? They're just names. Caleb, Sean, Leo, Ken(kind of). There's the names of my exes. I don't see a problem.
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u/HotDonnaC 2h ago
They might be people he still hangs out with, or communicates with and she feels they’re too close.
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u/Eryus7 6h ago
Seems pretty clear she knows at least some of those names, else he wouldn't have been hiding them and she wouldn't be upset by learning them. Could be a sister, a mutual friend they see all the time, maybe someone he hangs out with without her around. It's still the wrong choice to be hiding them from her - he should have been open about it from the start - but I can see why he might want to.
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u/roughspidrr 4h ago
I know a lot of girls who like to stalk exes and then compare themselves to them and go and shit talk them with their friends. Honestly (coming from a woman), that’s a red flag to me. There should be no issue with it in reality, but knowing what I know, I would be put off by that request as well.
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u/NotAQuiltnB 9h ago
It was a violation of privacy and I agree that exes are nunya. As an old woman with a huge family my only additional comment would be this. Your family, your mom in particular loves you. If you complain about your partner and then remain in the relationship your loving family members may hold negative feelings towards your partner long after you reconcile. Everyone needs to vent and blow off steam but be cautious. This is house MIL from hell stories begin. I someone hurts my child they are dead to me.
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u/BoringBeat5276 9h ago
NOR. Well she is going to be learning a very hard lesson about privacy. Honestly she's not gonna make that mistake again probably.
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u/Randomfinn 9h ago
The relationship is dead. You can’t run down your current partner to your mommy and expect anything good to happen. Now you have poisoned any possible relationship between the two women important to you, you didn’t receive any useful advice as your mum is obviously going to take your side, and you are focusing on her actions instead of taking accountability for your own. It’s too much to come back from in any healthy way with your current mindset.
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u/madanonymously 7h ago
Yup 100000000%, you took the words out of my mouth. The relationship overall sounds immature. On one hand, total violation of privacy on her part and very messed up. On the other, you told your mommy? Dude, way to pit your mom against your girlfriend. If you want any future with any woman again, stop doing that. I have learned to be a vault when it comes to my relationship because its between us. The sooner you learn that lesson, the better off you will be. Go to a therapist, seek advice from professionals absolutely. But not your mom. And honestly, it makes me curious about OPs behaviors that led to her checking his phone. Overall, the relationship is done and dead.
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u/frozenchocolate 3h ago
Thank you for the sanity. Everyone needs to vent, sure, but poisoning the well so your family is on the attack vs your partner is fucking stupid and immature. You don’t talk shit about your partner to family/friends unless you’re in an unsafe situation and need help getting out.
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u/Rhiannon1954 9h ago
NOR. Boomer here (so take things as you wish). Husband and I had cell phones since they became readily available. His had no password. Mine did. He knew my pw. In all the years until his death, he never got into my phone (or computer), nor I his. I never opened his postal mail nor he mine.
When you get married, you become a partnership. You do not merge into one another. You each have the right to privacy and trust. You are not even married here.
On the other point, may I suggest you vent to your therapist, brother or male friend? You will forget negative things about a girlfriend, your mother will not. This is likely to cause unneeded friction between the girl you marry and your mother.
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u/sunshine198505 9h ago
Esh. Her for going tru your phone you for not being an adult and talking things out... its a bit embarassing to run to mummy as an adult man....
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u/FoofTheBunny 8h ago
Why would you vent to your mother instead of discuss it with your partner? You are old enough to know that "venting" about a partner creates a dislike of the partner. You went behind her back and betrayed her trust by discussing something with your Mom about her. And now you are mad because she did the same, but at least she just took your phone. She didn't send it to her dad and discuss you with him.
You need to look at your own behavior and take some responsibility before pointing the finger at her betraying your trust. Seriously dude. Most bathrooms have mirrors.
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u/Justaroundtown 8h ago
NOR. This is too much drama for six months in. You two aren’t a match. GF should not have looked at your phone.
OP you should not be venting to your mother about your GF. In a mature relationship you work out your issues with your partner and maybe an independent person. Involving family is a big mistake. Most family will always take your side and never forget what was said. Going to family is looking for sympathy and people are rarely honest with themselves when venting. If I were her, sharing relationship problems either your mom would be a dealbreaker.
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u/Parking-Response1501 9h ago
NOR, she shouldn't have gone through your phone under any circumstances. Might be worth looking through hers just in case, or at least figuring out why exactly she wanted to do so.
Nothing necessarily wrong with venting to your mom, but if you're already angry at her and can't talk about it to her, maybe it's time to end things.
In general, it's worth being careful what you say about your partner to your parents, and vice versa. If the relationship ends up being long term, you want both parties to think the best of each other.
If you have a minor fight with mom, eventually you'll make up because you love each other, and all will be well. Same with your gf. Your mom and gf however, don't love each other, so when you bring them into these fights by ranting about it, they don't ever get to make up, and just build up resentment because of all the bad things done to you by the other person. It's a lesson I've learned the hard way, were I'd go to my mum about fights with partners and low and behold she never ended up liking anyone I dated. Now I no longer do that (even when I'm tempted) and things go much better. Doesn't necessarily apply to this relationship but could be food for thought.
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u/shakiraismygf 9h ago
Venting to your mom is normal. Going through your phone while you were asleep isn't. The bigger issue is that she doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it.
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u/BaltimoreCrabSoup 9h ago
If you’re a teenager. I’d never vent to my parents about my partner that is what friend are for. I don’t want my mother to dislike my partner which will be the result.
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u/Technical_Part6263 9h ago
Don't vent to your parents and friends about your relationship. All they'll remember is the bad stuff and it will permanently color their relationship. Work out your shit like adults, with each other.
Snooping through my stuff is a no-go. It would have been an immediate, on-the-spot, breakup. Either there's trust or there isn't, and I don't have the time or inclination to play with someone who doesn't trust me. NOR
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u/Ztoffels 9h ago
Things that are wrong:
1 venting to your parents about your girl, either man up and solve yall’s differences or move on to another person who is not trouble, mainly because you and gf will fuck and forget about it, your parents wont and will slowly but surely resent her…
2 your GF going through your phone, is toxic as fuck
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u/AncientOccult 9h ago
Tbh i disagree. It’s one thing to talk shit about your partner, but everyone needs a person to talk about their thoughts with. It’s how we get clarity in a situation and process things mentally.
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u/Ztoffels 9h ago
You can use a real third party not interested on the outcome, like AI.
Hell I have used AI as a third party to decide who is right or wrong and why.
Mainly cuz it wont hate my SO, also, I made that live, not me hidden trying to solve it myself, me and my girl called the AI and presented our points.
If you cannot fix your issues between you and your partner, is that the kind of partner you want all your life?
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u/ScarInternational161 9h ago edited 9h ago
Christ on a cracker!!
So, instead of going to a trusted adult, like a mom or dad for real life or relationship advice, we now.......
Ask AI
Yep. We are totally fucked.
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u/Ztoffels 9h ago
Trusted adult, op is already an adult, since 18 he has to play the game of life and he better chose right.
Of course it seems dumb to you, until you require a live third party who will say who is right or wrong without impacting others perspective of this person
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u/mendenlol 9h ago
18 may be legally an adult but is in no way a mature adult with bearings (99% of the time)
talking to a robot isn’t going to help solve human problems
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u/Ztoffels 9h ago
Op is 23 Y.O.
He aint adult enough, but he adult enough to fuck and have a gf?
Talking to a robot, that has been fed with information (more than what u or me will ever learn and remember) that will assist it on solving human issues is not such a bad idea as you present it…
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u/Leading-Antelope-139 7h ago
Yes, a 23 year old is old enough to have sex and a girlfriend but not old enough to have decades of relationship experience. Why is that confusing for you?
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u/Leading-Antelope-139 7h ago
Jesus fucking Christ, we are absolutely cooked if you think using AI is better than talking to a real, living human being like we’ve been doing for hundreds of thousands of years without issue
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u/ScarInternational161 2h ago
Go over to r/teachers
This guy just proves EVERYTHING they say about the fate of our future. Everything.
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u/bandanadeprisonmike 7h ago
Go to AI for relationship advice? What a clown idea
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u/Ztoffels 7h ago
I am not asking for relationship advice, I am asking it to be the higher rational referee of 2 people in a discussion
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u/ScarInternational161 2h ago
So, if it tells you, you aren't compatible, do you shake hands and go your separate ways? How much do you believe it? How much do you question it? How much do you ignore it? All of this is is total bullshit. You aren't talking to a person who understands nuance. You are talking to a machine who can only give you information based on what information it's already been fed.
I weep for the future of civilization if people like you are running it.
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u/bandanadeprisonmike 6h ago
So you’re gonna let some non-living machine tell you what to do? Man get off a screen and go outside ffs
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u/Ztoffels 5h ago
Brother brother, if thats how u interact with AI, thats fine, do not project on me.
Obviously, whatever the fuck it says must make sense to both people talking to it.
Its not gonna say “stab ya girl in the neck” and imma do it…
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u/bandanadeprisonmike 4h ago
Do you not see the irony in turning to an artificially made entity that is based entirely on algorithms for advice on how to deal with an issue between you and another person?
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u/Ztoffels 4h ago
It is not an entity, its basing most of its answers on the data fed, which I bet u, includes paychology information, which then yes, has more tools than me to answer such type of situations.
What do you think its a couples counselor ?
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u/bandanadeprisonmike 4h ago
Someone with actual experience on how to bridge issues between two people? Yes. Not some algorithm
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u/impl0sionatic 9h ago
Some of us have parents that aren’t resentful morons, actually. Sounds like you’d say OP shouldn’t vent to friends either, since that’s apparently what “manning up” means.
What an idiot.
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u/Ztoffels 9h ago
You got to be dumb to think your parents will not eventually resent your SO if you trash talk them…
You expect them to be happy with your SO when you are basically telling them “this person hurt your child”?
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u/impl0sionatic 9h ago
Speaking from experience in my decade-long marriage, yeah dumbass some people know how to have normal adult relationships and some people are actually friends with their parents and their in-laws.
I’m a grown man. I’m sorry that you’re still nursing but my mommy’s boobs don’t hurt when I cry anymore.
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u/Ztoffels 9h ago
Brother, you do you, but they will eventually resent your partner, their perspective of this person WILL change…
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u/impl0sionatic 9h ago
Sure thing babe. It’s right around the corner, I’m sure.
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u/Ztoffels 9h ago
Ok, give you an example.
You have a person, you know their SO, you like both of them, suddenly, “person” tells you “ugh my SO is so nasty because X Y Z”, you will no longer look at SO and ignore that information, infact, your perspective of that person has been changed.
Thats why you do not talk about couples issues with others, you are impacting the perspective others have of them, and what for? They are not fucking your SO, they are not living or sharing as much time as you do with SO, why are you tainting their perspective? If the person is so shit you need to vent, consider leaving instead
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u/impl0sionatic 9h ago
Buddy do you think the issue here is me not understanding your thought process? I’m saying you’re painting with a broad brush that doesn’t apply to all relationships, and it’s increasingly clear that you’re coming from a place of baggage.
If you want to have a totally insular marriage, be my guest.
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u/Diligent_Accident775 9h ago
You cant argue with mama's boys. They'll never change
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u/Ztoffels 9h ago
I feel ya, some people are adults and feel they need another adult to solve mundane issues for them
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u/iamgay2 9h ago
But would it be different if it was his best friend? I don't think it's a problem venting to your parents about anything, including you partner. Alot of times your parents have been through the same thing, especially if your parent is there for you. The toxic thing is his girlfriend snooping then being all butthurt about it, she had no right.
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u/Ztoffels 9h ago
It would not be different, couple issues are that, couples issues, last time I check, a couple is only 2 of something….
Either you can work out your differences with this person or you dont and move on….
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u/Leading-Antelope-139 7h ago
Venting helps people work their issues out. Keeping everything bottled up with no outlet is not helpful.
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u/twirlandswirl 9h ago
My mom gives great advice. So does my dad. Why wouldn't I ask them for advice?
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u/StarsofSobek 9h ago
OP was not seeking advice. OP was "venting." Venting is letting off steam and emotions while in a vulnerable state.
While advice can be given by a parent during a "vent," it isn't wise to invite a parent into your relationship at this level. It can create hostility between the parent and partner. It can result in "advice" that isn't actually helpful to the relationship.
Family is absolutely great and wonderful to have when you have it, and I don't want OP to think that they should be ashamed to have vented to their mom - but, as a general rule of thumb, most romantic partners don't want parents involved in their relationship dynamics. r/NoMIL exists for many reasons, but one of those reasons is because partners involve their parents in toxic or unhealthy dynamics.
TL/DR: a parent's "advice" to their child's "venting" (distress) is likely going to hold bias, can build permanent resentment, and cause toxic issues. A good rule: romantic relationships shouldn't involve parents or family.
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u/twirlandswirl 8h ago
Nah, my parents will tell me when I'm the problem. They also have a great relationship with my husband.
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u/StarsofSobek 8h ago
Then, genuinely, you are an outlier and you are lucky. That's wonderful for you. Most romantic relationship partners don't want to involve parents or families because it doesn't work for them.
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u/twirlandswirl 8h ago
My husband and I had a huge fight once, eons ago when we were recently married, and I called my parents to come get me. They came, but they came in and talked to BOTH of us. They said they'd take me if I really wanted to go, but my husband was just as important to them as I was and if we wanted to work it out, they would help in any way possible, including leaving if desired. Maybe I am an outlier, but that's sad because my parents are amazing and more people deserve that.
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u/StarsofSobek 8h ago
Again: you're very lucky.
Most parents lean into the inherent bias to protect their child. Even when their children are in adult relationships.
More people do deserve that kind of kindness, courtesy, love, respect, and responsibility. It's very hard to find. It's a gift in itself, and it's rare.
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u/Ztoffels 9h ago
Because this is an issue of you and your gf, you cannot figure out between you both how to solve it on an amicable way, why are you even with this person? Is this the life you want until you die?
Maybe its because I look for a partner for life, you dont have the qualities I require in my partner which involves “solving issues between us” then I guess you are not the right fit, then I must move on, not waste my time crying about how u make me feel bad, there is no time to lose, time is too short for that.
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u/Leading-Antelope-139 7h ago
Because this is an issue of you and your gf, you cannot figure out between you both how to solve it on an amicable way, why are you even with this person?
Venting to someone doesn’t mean you’re incapable of figuring it out yourself. Having someone older and wiser offer advice doesn’t mean you’re incapable of figuring it out yourself. I don’t understand what your issue with this is.
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u/copperiguana33 8h ago
I agree on the phone part, but I don't think talking to a trusted parent for perspective is automatically a bad thing. It depends on how it's done
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u/impl0sionatic 9h ago edited 9h ago
NOR that’s diabolical.
I’m sorry that you now have to reevaluate everything about her and her worthiness as a partner, but 6mo is way too early to be having a “rough patch” and tbh this betrayal is a big enough red flag about her character (especially at this early stage) to justify ending things if you start thinking that’s what you want.
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u/Brownie-0109 8h ago
You broke a cardinal rule you should never break. I don’t care if your mom is Gibraltar. Don’t vent to family.
You poison the well. You ruin their image of your SO. Even if you stay together, it’s never gonna be the same
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u/Unique_Excitement248 9h ago
She not only invaded your privacy, she invaded your mom's privacy. She owes you and your mom an apology. NOR
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u/simplyexistingnow 9h ago
ESHish I mean honestly it sounds like you both don't trust each other considering you wouldn't even talk to your girlfriend about the situation and went to your mom instead. You never talk to close family members about your partner because whatever you say about your partner will automatically taint all of your friends and family against them and if you are staying with your partner or actively dating them and go back to them or stay with them they don't get the resolution to your problem they just get what you told them and you saying everything is good now doesn't erase the fact that they're going toThey're going to feel some type of way about the partner that's being talked about forever. I think you were falling into the Trap of trying to make things work when ultimately you guys are just not compatible and haven't realized yet that you know you can break up and not every relationship you're in is going to be the one for you. Relationships don't have to be sacrifice.
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u/SiroccoDream 9h ago
NOR for being angry about her being a snoop. That was way out of line! For me, that’s an immediate trip to Splitsville.
However, in the future, maybe don’t go running to Mama to bitch about everything your GF is doing wrong. It’s a really bad habit that will bite you if you ever get married.
Asking Mom for her perspective how women think, or getting her advice on how you can improve your own behavior in a given situation is fine.
Texting or calling your mother with a massive rant about everything your girlfriend is saying/doing/thinking that makes you Big Mad, in the hopes that Mommy will agree with everything and give you the validation you desire is decidedly NOT fine.
Please search the term “enmeshed” and see if any of the descriptions match with the relationship you have with your mother. If they don’t, that really is good news!
If you see some similarities, it would be good to see a therapist who can help you establish healthy boundaries.
But you are absolutely right about what your girlfriend did: she is in the wrong and a breakup is justified.
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u/Civil_Figure1045 9h ago
I was married for almost 20 years before he passed from cancer and I never once went through his phone or texts. Not even after he passed did I do a deep dive. NOR - you’re young, it doesn’t seem she is the partner for you especially after such a personal violation of trust.
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u/Main-Eagle-26 9h ago
Rough patch 6 months in? Mate yall should be banging like 5x/week this early. Probably not gonna last.
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u/Trick-Government513 9h ago
NOR. She entirely violated your privacy and demonstrated how little trust she has in you. But I don't think you're blameless either.
Personally, I think that arguments should remain between the couple and a therapist at most. Venting to a family member will at least change the view your mom has of your girlfriend. You and your girlfriend are able to forgive each other and understand your dynamic better than an outsider can. People like your mom cannot see things from exactly where you stand and they should not be involved in your relationship unless things turn abusive. If I were you I'd end the relationship, but food for thought for the next relationship. Keep the low moments to yourselves.
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u/AngelaMoore44 9h ago
NOR, she invaded your privacy. She doesnt trust you, and now you have a reason not to trust her. Relationships without a foundation of trust wont make it.
But, I have to warn you about something. If you vent to your mother about your girlfriend (or one in the future) you are asking for more drama. Your mother will always be on your side and will want to protect you, so she will grow to dislike your girlfriend more and more. She will see her as the person who makes her son unhappy. Adding that tension to a relationship will only make things worse. Vent wisely.
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u/Calgary_Calico 9h ago
Only 6 months in and you already have a rough patch? My dude, you guys are barely past the honeymoon stage of the relationship, it's too early for rough patches... And this snooping through your phone shit? Nope! That's a massive privacy violation. You feel like she betrayed your trust because she did, you can't trust her, and she clearly doesn't trust you. This relationship isn't going to work
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u/raydeecakes 9h ago
NOR- Personal Space is important for people to have. If you have not given permission for her to be in your personal space, she shouldn't be in it.
With that said, your relationship is also a personal space, where limited people should have access. Sharing things with friends and family can put additional strain on a relationship. While you and the girlfriend may make up, your mom may not get over the information you have shared as there is no resolution for her and your girlfriend. Just a thought.
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u/tickingboxes 8h ago
NOR. Get out now. Six months is way too early for recurring arguments and fundamental betrayals of trust, my man. Actually, maybe six months is the perfect time for this because now you don’t have to waste five years in a dead end, broken relationship. This is your exit ramp. It’s a gift. Take it.
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u/PositiveLibrary7032 8h ago
This is only 6 months in if she goes behind your back thats not a good sign. She doesn’t trust you if it was me l’d end it. This relationship is too much trouble.
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u/Broken_By_Default 6h ago
NOR
And if she doesn’t understand, you now get to go through her phone. Without any notice. Fork it over right now and go through it.
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u/Automatic-Donkey-141 5h ago
Nor. These are too many issues for such a new relationship. I’d break it off.
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u/snickle17 9h ago
MOR
Not telling her your ex's names is weird as fuck dude. That's a guarantee that she will be suspicious. You kind of shot yourself in the foot with that in my opinion.
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u/FiberApproach2783 9h ago
Yeah, and why would all the exes' names be in the texts to his mom? It doesn't make any sense
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u/Angry_GorillaBS 9h ago
NOR. My parents are the last people I would ever vent to but that's beside the point. It doesn't matter who you were venting to. She violated your privacy, end of story. It's disturbing that so many people are ok with doing that these days.
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u/mtngrl60 9h ago
NOR.
Going through someone’s phone is very personal. I do understand it in context of somebody who’s been married for 15 years and suddenly sees a major change in their partner.
Still not OK, but I get it. But you’re talking in that case people who have intertwined their lives and their finances and maybe have children and maybe have assets and liabilities together. It’s a much more serious situation.
Again… Not something we should be doing. But I do understand if a man or a woman knows that something’s wrong and resources to this. I get it.
In your case, six months? You’re in a rough patch. Six months is still infant stage when it comes to a relationship. And I don’t say that in a con way at all. I’m literally talking about in terms of growing an actual relationship, six months is still within that first year where you should still be in the honeymoon phase. The infant stage of long-term relationships.
So yeah. It sounds like the two of you are honestly not compatible long-term if you’re already in a rough patch, and she’s already feeling the need to go through your phone.
What I would also say is this… You’re 23. I understand you have a very close relationship with your mom. And she is who you go to for a lot of things. But I’m gonna give you a little bit of advice as somebody old enough to be your grandmother.
Don’t go to your mom. The reason? She’s your mother. Her love for you is unconditional. She is probably, like most moms, very protective of you. And so she is probably always gonna take your side.
Now, if you’re lucky, you will have a mom who, while being protective and loving and consider of you is also going to tell you when you fuck up. That what you did was not acceptable.
But the reality is that most moms aren’t that way. And so when you’re venting. Or you’re looking for advice, you really need to go to a friend. Maybe a coworker who’s a little older that you actually trust and who you can see has a good relationship.
And the reason is that when you’re venting and you’re upset, your goal shouldn’t just be to bash your partner. Your goal should be to get out what you’re feeling, and then have somebody objectively try to help you figure those feelings out. To figure out is it maybe you in the situation? Are you possibly projecting something that isn’t actually happening.
And this is true of whatever gender you happen to be in a relationship. When you vent to your parents about your partner, you are coloring the relationship your parents will forever have with your partner.
Your parents will not view that person the same way. And if you do stay together long-term, you really could’ve just fucked it up. The person who may be is going to be your coparent may now have a very difficult relationship with your parents because you decided to run home to mommy or daddy instead of actually venting to an objective third-party.
It is a dangerous game to run to mom or dad and vent. It’s OK to tell them anecdotes that you guys have resolved. And you can laugh about together… Not just one of you.
It is not OK for her to have gone through your phone. But obviously, you’re venting to someone else and not her.
And on her end… She’s no more objective than you are. Instead of acknowledging that she should’ve just talked to you… And frankly, you should’ve just talked to her… It just feels like neither one of you communicating. At least not with each each other. And neither one of you can objectively look at your own behaviors or what might be causing the problems in the relationship.
So just my two cents from somebody who is grandma aged. Your parents, especially your mom if you’re a guy, doesn’t need to know the nitty-gritty in and out of your relationship. She shouldn’t. Because all you’re doing is undermining your relationship with your partner. And you’re undermining your partners relationship with your parents.
And generally speaking, you’re not gonna get an objective response. Your mama is gonna take your side even if you were behaving like an asshole. And that is not going to help you grow up. It is not going to help your relationship. It is not going to help you navigate difficult times in that relationship.
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u/Itchy_Wolverine7630 8h ago
Stop venting to your Mom about your girlfriends. Talk to your girlfriend or dont talk at all. Its immature manboy behavior.
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u/oppatokki 9h ago
NOR - now you will have to live forever (or for a very long time until she gains your trust again) worrying about your gf snooping again. You want to live like that?
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u/QuietlyGwen 9h ago
You are not overreacting in the least. She is absolutely wrong and you would not be wrong for ending things with her. You are so young! And she got tooooo many red flags with this one, especially only 6 months in.
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u/BaltimoreCrabSoup 9h ago
ESH the girlfriend for looking at your phone and you for crying to mommy about your relationship it shows you lack of maturity and inability to understand the consequences of your own behavior.
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u/cruiser4319 9h ago
ESH. She shouldn’t have snooped, you shouldn’t be running to mommy to complain about her. Neither of you are ready to be in a relationship.
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u/toiletbrushqtip 9h ago
Oh she knows what she did was wrong. She’s convinced herself she was justified. NOR and this is a massive breach of trust. Arguments and this breach in only 6 months-Yah naw. Time to move one.
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u/StarsofSobek 9h ago
NOR.
6 months into dating is very early to be having issues.
If you want advice: this relationship is broken, and she has violated your privacy and trust. Break up. (I know, I know, Reddit loves a break up). However, recovering from this, so early into a new relationship, probably isn't going to happen. 6 months should still be the "honeymoon" phase - and if you're already struggling, if she's already breaking trust and violating privacy without trying to have a conversation first - then, this is already toxic. Leave.
Secondly, but also important: it's okay to vent about relationships. However, it might be wise to reconsider your choice of confidant. Good rules to maintaining the peace and integrity of a healthy romantic relationship? Don't involve family. Even your friends can act differently or treat a partner differently when they hear "vented" info, so imagine how a protective mother/parent might feel? Choose your confidant(s) wisely. Romantic partners don't usually want your mom or dad (or family) involved in the relationship at any level. A good third option: therapist.
Good luck, OP. Lock down your devices and social media, now. Change passwords. Clear any unwanted videos or photos.
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u/BraveCowardCat 9h ago
6 months is the honeymoon period. If there’s rough patches now, it’s gonna be hell once you get past the honeymoon phase.
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u/The4leafclover1966 9h ago edited 9h ago
Man, you’re both way too young and way too early in this relationship to be having this many struggles.
If she and this relationship are worth it to you, get therapy either together or individually (or both).
If not, end it. Just end it. For both of your sakes. Cut off contact — block her and move on. Otherwise you’re looking at a never ending cycle of this bull**it. This will be the rest of your life.
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u/Tasty-Desk4510 2h ago
Me and my wife have been together for 9 1/2 years married for2. She has never taken my phone and went through it. Neither have I to her. It’s a mutual trust thing.
My advice I would dump her
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u/HotDonnaC 2h ago
There’s context missing here. What was the original fight about that led you to vent to your mom? Was telling your mom about the disagreement an invasion of your girlfriend’s privacy?
Why is your girlfriend angry about the names of your exes? Are they people she knows, or people you still hang around or communicate with?
It’s hard to make a decision whether you’re overreacting with so much missing from your post.
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u/Much_Cap9713 1h ago
Hell nah you not wrong! Get out while it’s still early bro trust me i went through something extremely similar and tried to see it through. It does not get better. Plus she can’t be mad anyways. Why look for trouble and get mad when you “find” it?? That’s what she wanted to see right lol
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u/Top_Philosopher1809 9h ago
NOR. She went into your phone. That is a huge breach of trust. How ever, you venting to mom about a gf isn't the greatest look. You are an adult . Don't run to mom.
It's what you do next that matters. Trust is broken. Can you move past this?
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u/candycanenightmare 9h ago
NOR.
I wouldn’t date people who go through my phone.
I also wouldn’t date people who vent to their mothers.
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u/Feeling-Performance7 9h ago
NOR, that would be my signal to end the relationship
Also, stop using facial recognition passkey, go back to the old fashioned passcode, to deter Snooping in future relationships
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u/buxom_betrayer 9h ago
I think a significant other going through your phone is a big breach of trust and already means the relationship is over. I even think a significant other even asking to go through your phone can be a relationship ender. It means the trust is not there. Also, we have the right to private conversations.
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u/Moorhenlessrooster 8h ago
She shouldn't have gone through your phone.
Moaning to mummy about girlfriend six months in also smacks of immaturity. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you overheard her talking about you or something?
So she shouldn't have snooped and you should have had those conversations with her. And tbh she shouldn't care who your exes are. It all sounds unhealthy and immature.
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u/Glittering_Swan4911 7h ago
NOR - She had no right reading your private messages to your mother. This is only 6 months in so cut your losses and end it. She’s disrespectful and clearly has no boundaries.
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u/Enoch8910 6h ago
Not only are you not overreacting these is no reason to stay with someone like this. These are the kind of people who read other people’s diaries. Run.
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u/Prestigious_Badger36 9h ago
NOR - if she found a convo with another romantic partner (cheating) that's one thing ... But reading a private conversation with a parent is fucked up
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u/SatansScallion 8h ago
YOR. Shit-talking your partner to your family and friends is never appropriate regardless of how common it’s become. It’s no different than “talking behind someone’s back” which we all know is dogshit behavior. If you or she is upset, you discuss it with each other.
Second, Reddit’s obsession with privacy is absurd. Most people are shitty partners and are doing shitty things on their phone that would fuck up a relationship if it came to light. Our phones are always unlocked and we could look through them any time without issue. As a result, we never fucking feel like it’s necessary!
Being hyper-protective of your phone is incredibly poisonous to a relationship. It sounds like you’re just mad that your shitty decision to shit-talk your girlfriend to your mom (who will absolutely hold it against her forevermore now) came to light.
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u/I_Weep_for_Willow 9h ago
I'm black and white on this. Going through anything that doesn't belong to you is an instant deal breaker. You can otherwise be Mother Teresa, but if you go through my stuff, sayonara.
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u/Rekltpzyxm 9h ago
Take a real big step back for a moment. What are the good points about this relationship?
That she did is not small. It’s a significant trust violation.
It sounds like she is very immature and insecure. Is this who you want a relationship with?
NOR.
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u/IdealGlobal339 9h ago
NOR Digging in the dirt - only gonna hurt. She must have some past trust issues to deal with. This is not good. Lock your phone with a passcode. Give her boundaries and discuss what you need to move forward through this rough patch or break ties.
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u/misterhepburn 9h ago
NOR. It’s really important to have a sounding board and her lack of understanding that is wild. Even more wild is going through your phone, intentionally hunting down information, then not understanding why someone would be upset you did that to them.
IMHO: run! You’re seeing who this person is and there’s a lot of red flags.
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u/Unlucky-Comfort4917 9h ago
6 months together and already hitting a rough patch? And she disrespected your privacy and boundaries by going into your phone and reading texts between you and your mother? This is absurd. There are red flags here that you need to pay attention to. Time to wrap it up - end this dysfunctional union and move on.
You are underreacting
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u/Consistent-Menu-6629 9h ago
NOR that's a serious violation of your privacy. She has bad boundaries. Would dump
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u/NicolinaN 9h ago
Well… how DID you react? We can’t judge since you’re not telling.
Me, I’d break up immediately if someone started to dig through my personal stuff. Period. No going back on that one.
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u/Junior-Ad-2072 8h ago
NOR at all.
What is it with those women feeling perfectly entitled to go through their BFs/Husbands' phones?
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u/Riker_Omega_Three 8h ago
I have a no phone snooping policy
If the woman I am dating has an insecurity issue...and it's to the point where she needs to go through my phone because she can't get a hold of her emotions, then I'm out
Insecurity is the definition of a YOU problem
People overwhelmingly do not hold their partners accountable for their own emotional instability
I manage my emotions
My partner needs to manage hers
If I am feeling insecure, I will process it and have an adult discussion with my partner about the things that are crossing boundaries with me
I would never go through my partner's phone or read their private messages
That's not a thing people do in healthy relationships
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u/Weak_Armadillo6575 5h ago
NOR - checking someone’s phone behind their back is inappropriate. Checking their chats with their MOM is even weirder and as long as you didn’t say anything disrespectful or downright rude about her to your mom you didn’t do anything wrong.
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u/RedIntoxica 9h ago
NOR - honestly, I’d call the relationship there, this isn’t a good sign of what’s to come in the future, shows doesn’t respect your privacy, and doesn’t think very highly of you if she was snooping for something
Add the fact she doesn’t see what’s wrong with what she did and got upset over the fact you have exes? That’s such weird toxic behavior, get out while you can
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u/ShelyChelle 9h ago
Leave....she went through your phone, its only been 6 months, snd she's displaying a lack of trust, now, you'll have to keep proving things to her
You are allowed to vent to whomever you want, she is not allowed to violate your privacy
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u/GothPenguin 9h ago
NOR-She’s showing you exactly who she is. Take that information and leave, you deserve someone who will not violate your privacy and get mad about things that aren’t her business.
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u/wolf_at_the_door1 9h ago
NOR. She needs to know this was a break in trust with you. Depending on her reaction you should break up.
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u/onesleekrican 9h ago
NOR - if she trusted you, she wouldn’t have looked. If she valued communication- she would’ve spoken to you. Some people don’t know how not to take shortcuts. This was a shortcut or “cheat code” in a relationship that never should’ve happened.
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u/treeahduhh 9h ago
NOR. The trust has been violated and I doubt it can be repaired. Cut your loses and break up. You’ll find someone who values and respects your privacy and it will be a much happier and healthier relationship
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u/Ok_Historian_646 9h ago
NOR!
Save yourself from a lifetime of this bs and break up with her! She deliberately went behind your back and went into your phone. I dont get people like her at all.
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u/Cheska1234 9h ago
Dude no. Nor. Run. What if your mom said something personal? Gf not only violated your privacy but your mom’s as well. Absolutely not. She wasn’t digging because she thought you were cheating. She was digging to find dirt. 6 months is waaaaaaay too early for this level of psycho. Find someone else.
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u/jcaashby 9h ago
NOR
It is a violation for sure. It was not for her to read at all under most situations.
6 months in it might be time to decide if this is the relationship you want. Think about it....who wants to argue with someone on a regular basis??? I know I do not and that is why I am with my GF as we never argue at all. Life is to short to be bumping heads with someone when you can find someone else who you do not have to.
Relationships are supposed to be peaceful and stress free. Someone you can relax with. Sounds like you do not have that at all with her going through your phone.
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u/darko2019 9h ago
NOR. This is a clear violation of privacy. She clearly has trust issues. This will come up again because she’s not emotionally mature enough to understand that you need to talk your feelings out and that you had a life before her and that’s okay and healthy. She seems toxic, I’d be carful friend.
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u/Starbbex0617 9h ago
Unpopular opinion.. you maybe should have deleted the texts.. if ur gf went through your phone, it probably wasn't the first time.. some partners do this and if your gunna talk shit/say things about your partner,, best to delete it. Your not overreacting though.
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u/deathbychips2 9h ago
6 months is way too early to have a rough patch. Break up and cut your losses.