AIO -Future MIL moved things around in my kitchen and I told her I would be moving them back (possibly not as kindly as I could have).

[u/dayletta]

I (29 F) am traveling with my fiancé (31 NB) abroad right now, we just got engaged a few days ago but have been together for several years. I know their family well, and we spend a lot of time together.

My MIL is at our house watching the place and our animals while we’re away. She has been cleaning, which we told her not to worry about doing but she did ask beforehand and had permission, so that’s not the issue. She did replace my bed set, moved blankets and pillows around to the guest rooms, etc. Did not love that, but I figured that with the permission she was given and with all the work she was doing, I was happy to play along and express gratitude and then quietly put things back where I wanted them if needed.

However, we called to check in and she let us know she had made an “executive decision” to purchase more silverware and move it to a different drawer in my kitchen. She specifically said she would not go into any drawers or move things in drawers around, so that bothered me. The convo went like this~

My fiancé called my MIL to chat and get updates. She mentioned going to the store to get more silverware and that she had made an executive decision about it. I asked her, in a non-joking serious tone, what the decision had been. She told me while laughing that she moved our silverware, and I responded immediately in a flat tone that I’ll be moving it back, and said nothing else in the conversation until they hung up. Things did feel a little tense after that, but honestly, I think she was uncomfortable because I wasn’t willing to act like that was okay. I don’t think it is.

My fiancé feels the same, as MIL also went into their car and cleaned it and said they would be “talking about the mess” when we got back. In my mind, the only conversation that needs to be had between these two adults in serious boundaries. It’s a strange dynamic that I admittedly don’t know of because I am not close with my own parents. Am I overreacting by responding the way I did?

[u/alexanderfrostfyre]

I know the point is about the silverware but I’m hung up on the car thing. Is the car in their mother’s name? Why does she care about the mess, wtf?

Anyway. NOR. It’s not her house, why did she decide to move your stuff around?

[u/Auld_Folks_at_Home → u/alexanderfrostfyre]

Because she's a busybody who still wants to control her child's life.

[u/CharmingRoof6517]

I went on holiday and my mother offered to house sit for me. I have 3 cats and usually my neighbours all help out. When I got home she had moved pretty much everything around. My room, my paperwork, my cupboards, my kitchen… everything. I’m autistic and have struggled to leave the house for the last 3 years, so this holiday was a huge step for me to go abroad.

I’m now no contact…. So I don’t think you’re wrong overreacting at all.

[u/dayletta → u/CharmingRoof6517]

I am also autistic, so I completely get that. I am sorry you went through that ❤️

[u/Debsterism → u/CharmingRoof6517]

I'm not the least bit autistic and that would send me to Mars!! I don't think anyone responding in a boundary setting, no b.s. way to thise busybody pre-MIL is overreacting. You either CharmingrRoof6517

[u/CharmingRoof6517 → u/Debsterism]

I couldn’t imagine moving around anyone’s things in their house. Even when we stay at cottages etc, things go where we found them. Crazy mindset, they think they’re doing “good” too!

[u/katmcflame]

NOR. MIL doesn’t respect your boundaries, & took your absence as an opportunity to mark all over your territory. Fiancé needs to put her in her place.

[u/Aggressive-Cat-8716]

Well that’s the last time she gets access to your house

[u/Conscious-Fee8590 → u/Aggressive-Cat-8716]

lol she is doing them a favour pet and house sitting. Pretty sure she would be just as happy not.

[u/dayletta → u/Conscious-Fee8590]

She asked to stay with us and does regularly, she prefers to :)

[u/Status-Biscotti]

No, you’re not. You're grown-ass adults and she doesn't want her son to grow up. I once had a boyfriend who offered to clean my car. He got rid of the mall maps I used regularly, and the stationery I kept for writing tardy notes on the fly. I was furious.

[u/Natural_Cricket_2540 → u/Status-Biscotti]

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. My nana (grandmother) did something like this when she was staying at me and my family's house for a few days. I'd left my door open and my room was messy, she paused when coming up or down the stairs (my room is right in front of two stairs, on a landing) and she commented on how 'messy it was' and 'wouldn't I like it clean?'

I told my parents and they asked her not to. Thankfully, it has never happened again.

[u/MiloHorsey → u/Natural_Cricket_2540]

I dont understand this obsession. It's your room so how you keep it is up to you. So long as you keep the rest of the house tidy, what's the problem?

[u/Natural_Cricket_2540 → u/MiloHorsey]

I know, right? It's just weird when ppl comment on your room/car/house/clothes, whatever the hell they feel like commenting on, and sometimes it feels like it's criticism in disguise lol

[u/MiloHorsey → u/Natural_Cricket_2540]

Aw thanks for the award!

[u/Top-Bit85]

I was close with both my mother and my MIL and neither of them would have dreamed of overstepping that way.

NOR. I think you handled it well. No point in being all sweet and nice and telling her it's OK. It's not OK. She needs to know that.

[u/PerspectiveKookie16]

Of all things, silverware is such a matter of personal preference and taste!

Finding the right set in terms of style, weight and balance is critical. These are things you use multiple times a day for years.

She overstepped, but it sounds like you get along fairly well in general - well enough to have her house sit and care for your pets.

N O R as an isolated incident, but M O R in the larger scheme of things.

[u/dayletta → u/PerspectiveKookie16]

Absolutely, I have no intentions of creating an issue and I told my fiancé to not worry about talking to her about the silverware thing, as I feel like that nipped it in the bud and if MIL wants to discuss further we can. They are a wonderful family and I’m so glad to have them, I am just not used to someone insisting of doing something like that even when not asked to? It’s nice to see these perspectives as it’s good to get a wider view of things, thank you ❤️

[u/hamish1963]

This is why I don't have family house or dog sit.

[u/Pinepark → u/hamish1963]

I have my young adult son pet sit for me (he lives on his own) I know he won’t clean shit or move anything. 😂

[u/Debsterism → u/Pinepark]

https://giphy.com/gifs/QZmvld1km1A0fZDmxK

[u/Forward-Cause7305]

This is totally unacceptable of her but also may be the price of her watching your house and animals for free.

If you don't like it, now you know to never have her house sit again.

And NTA for snapping at her that you are going to put it all back.

I remember my GMIL visited and bought me new pots because she didn't like mine (that were brand new and we had just picked out for our wedding registry lol). As soon as she left I sent all her stupid pots to goodwill.

[u/Hippie-Farts]

NOR but good luck, she's not going to change until you tell her to her face "you dont seem to understand hoe to respect boundaries". Her son needs to grow a spine.

[u/LadyGooseberry]

My MIL used to be like this too and then my husband practically cut his parents off for two years. It was for more than just this reason, both his parents have/had their problems. We used to NEVER go see them and I had to encourage him on the very rare occasions we planned to get together with his parents. And i think she knew that i was the one that had him reconsider their relationship. Now she’s actually the best MIL i could imagine. It really straightened her out lol! Not to mention i think I’m her favorite now. She just needed to be reminded that while she is his mom, he’s also an adult with a family now. I think it helps though that we never put her in positions where she reverts back to mommy mode. We board our animals when we leave and put up cameras at the house. Or pay friends to house sit. We love his mom but she is still a snoop and a gossip and my husband just doesn’t want her in our house by herself lol.

[u/Mental_Escape_1737]

I have been married for 20+ years and I have had a somewhat complicated relationship with my MIL. She can be overbearing and judgmental at times.

Honestly, I would probably just overlook it and put it back how I want it after she leaves. You could have bigger issues with her later on, especially if you have kids. You may want to pick your battles and try not to have conflict over smaller things like this.

It doesn't mean it's not annoying. It just means she may be worse about bigger things later on.

[u/dayletta → u/Mental_Escape_1737]

I appreciate this insight, picking battles is certainly wise and it’s a good reminder. I guess in my head, by ignoring everything that led up to this I had been picking my battles

[u/Mental_Escape_1737 → u/dayletta]

Well, every relationship is different. I have chosen not to care about smaller things like this - like recently she was at our house and moved things around in my dishwasher and said I would melt the large tupperware if I put it on the bottom. I have never melted anything, but whatever.

But I will not let her offer any advice or insights on my kids. You raised yours - I will raise mine. The end.

And I do not let her decide things for us, like where to be and when. If they want us to do something like a dinner or visit at a relatives, they have to ask and we will decide. She tried a lot of things when we were younger thinking she was the matriarch who would make all the calls for everyone. She is not.

[u/SpecialStranger92 → u/dayletta]

I agree with this comment, but the only thing I would add to it is.. I would just be cordial and say thanks for helping with pet sitting and house sitting while we were gone and change whatever you need to change when she is gone. You made your point when you said firmly that you will be moving it back and she obviously got the message if she went quiet after. If she asks/says anything about it, then a simple and respectful conversation is cool too! Now... If this boundary is crossed again, that's a whole other conversation whether again is while you're still abroad or at a later time and that battle would be with picking at that point.

You could also just flip the fuck out and go nuclear.

Totally up to you! You said you feel like you've been picking your battles, so you could have a very neutral but firm conversation about you how appreciate her help, but your boundaries are there for a reason and need to be respected. Her reaction is not your responsibility. The only reason I would take the high road in this case is just because I'd hate to have to deal with drama over silverware and her inability to leave shit alone after having a great vacation and getting engaged. You deserve to be happy right now with this milestone in your life.

[u/Msmellow420 → u/dayletta]

NOR -OP, I always ask myself if this is the hill I want to die on before I scorch the earth. This gives me time to think rationally and without emotion. Giving people your energy is an option, are they really worth it?

[u/nerd_is_a_verb → u/dayletta]

You’re both wrong. Picking battles requires you to actually stand up for yourself. Letting her run roughshod all over you just makes you a doormat, not a saint of patience or anything.

[u/Debsterism → u/dayletta]

Never, ever ignore ANYTHING that has to do with them overstepping boundaries and inserting themselves into your lifestyle, choices, or comfort zones. This is my one piece of advice for dealing with in-laws. Argh! Must do this from day one so they already be knowing what the repercussions are if they DO overstep.

[u/Neat_Day_3036]

In my opinion it would depend on a couple of things.

First: If you were away for a long period of time and it was easier for her to keep things clean by moving the silverware to a different drawer, while odd, I don't find that to be a big issue if it helps her take care of your place for you. However if you were not gone for very long then she should have just dealt with it.

Second: If she was sort of half joking as a way to lighten the message that she moved your silverware when she said she made an "executive decision", then she probably should have thought that through, but she didn't have a bad intention. However, if she was completely serious like she was assuming authority over your home then she's gone too far.

So if she was trying to make her job easier and she was joking, you may have gone a little too far, but I would think it would be water under the bridge given enough time. However if she was trying to assume authority over your home that is wrong for her to have, then I think you were justified.

[u/Expensive_Plant_9530]

NOR.

Not gonna lie, if my MIL moved my entire silverware drawer while I’m on vacation? I’m gonna be a little pissed off and I would absolutely move it back.

You’re an adult. She’s not your carer or legal guardian and that wasn’t her home to make decisions about.

I would have your partner speak to their mom about this and reinforce the boundary again.

[u/Lynncy1]

Is it a cultural thing by chance? My mom is Asian, and every time she visits from out of town, she’s doing the same type of stuff. In her culture, there’s just not the same polite-type of boundaries when it comes to your kids and their spouses. She definitely makes herself at home, lol.

[u/dayletta → u/Lynncy1]

nah we’re all wonderbread white lmao

[u/Natural_Cricket_2540]

OP, you are NOR.

You allowed her to clean, and apparently she took that as she could do whatever the hell she wanted. Nobody should do that unless given permission.

[u/LissaBryan]

It's a power thing. It almost always is. The MIL is showing the DIL that her son's home is HER territory that she has control over.

Usually, attempts at conversations about it fall flat because MIL will cry and say she was just trying to be nice, hoping the son and DIL will feel bad enough to drop it.

You need to tell her, bluntly, that the next time she attempts to move your things around will be the last time because she will never be allowed in your home again. Then she'll cry some more, but hopefully the message will sink in.

NOR

[u/cripplinganxietylmao]

Next time pay for a house sitter

[u/Sufficient_Claim_461]

Executive decisions belong to the bosses.

She does not have executive authority in your home.

[u/alexwh68]

This reminds me of when I shared a house there was 6 of us, 3 couples, on the way to work most days myself and one of the guys I shared with would end up talking about the issues of the women moving things around the kitchen and bathroom. It got bad enough myself and my girlfriend at the time moved out.

This is your house, your domain not hers, let her do all that crap and change it back when you get home.

One of the ladies I lived with then really did not care where anything was, never rocked the boat, just got on with her life, she is the only one of the 3 women I still talk to 😎

[u/TypewriterHunter]

I find the advice to just let this go to be somewhat amusing. I feel like some of the same people saying that would be saying 'you should have set boundaries back when she was just moving things in your kitchen' when OP comes back here a year after the wedding with a story of how it started with things like moving/replacing small household items but now the MIL wants to come into the delivery room, name the baby, and also bought a different crib while they were out of the house one day. Personally I think the fiancé needs to deal with Mom so OP isn't "the evil DIL"- boundaries are healthy for everyone except people with narcissistic tendencies, and if there are aspects of that in this situation the process of setting boundaries now at least gives some information on how these sorts of issues/conflicts are going to go now with smaller things. It would be different if MIL knew that OP was in the market for new silverware and knew the couple's tastes well enough to gift them with something like that, but to just go ahead as was described (with the house stuff & the car) is a violation of privacy and autonomy, her kid is 31 not 13!! NOR.

[u/dayletta → u/TypewriterHunter]

Thankfully we are child-free and plan to be, we’re also lesbians so no whoopsies thank god

[u/dayletta]

Update: welp, she tried moving my car and when I said no to telling her where the keys were, she went nuclear on my partner calling our house disgusting (it wasn’t, I cannot stress that enough lol) so I sent this:

“If you think our house is disgusting, you are under no obligation whatsoever to clean it. I understand you are frustrated, but we are trying to celebrate our engagement and we do not need underneath my car swept. Thank you so much for everything, I love you, please relax and enjoy your day. We will talk more when we get home.”

And she blocked me and instead responded to my fiancé. I am over this for this trip, pray for me gang, Jesus Christ. Edits are fixed typos.

[u/different-take4u]

NOR, what I would do is ask her questions that the answers to lead her to the conclusion that she overstepped majorly. Questions like, would she appreciate someone making decisions for her home without asking permission? Why should you be happy she made decisions about your home for you? Why does she think she has that much latitude in her son and his wife’s life and home? Does she want to continue to have access to y’all’s lives? If she does then she needs to mind her manners. Ask her if she didn’t teach her son that going through someone else’s stuff is bad manners, and maybe she needs to revisit that lesson.

[u/TranslatorVast1072]

YOR a little bit. All you have to do is move it when you get back and if you don't like her doing the things she's doing you'll need to pay a house sitter in the future. She's not going to change, but in reality, this is minor poor behavior compared to what a lot of MIL's are like. Do you really want to create a potential family rift over fucking silverware?!?! that's the only question that you need to answer.

[u/candycanenightmare → u/TranslatorVast1072]

I’d happily create a family rift if someone didn’t respect boundaries.

There is no reason to maintain relationships that are not healthy or equitable.

[u/TitleOwn8082]

She bought you silverware and you are pissed she put in in the wrong drawer?

Just be happy she bought it and move it later.

Wait till she talks to you about the car mess, might just be friendly banter about how there was a full bag of cheerios under the seat.

[u/SoyYo5599 → u/TitleOwn8082]

She didn't unintentionally put it in the wrong drawer, she decided her way was best and made the change.

[u/TitleOwn8082 → u/SoyYo5599]

Yea but who cares? If you buy me pots you can put them in my fridge for all I care.

[u/EggplantIll4927]

hire a pet sitter next time. this woman has snooped into every single corner of your life and then some. she is treating you like a child and she knows best.

[u/ChemicalCat4181]

She probably shouldn't be moving stuff around, but at the same time it's not the biggest deal. Also I don't think any reasonable person would include kitchen drawers when she said she would not go into any drawers. Definitely not for someone who is housesitting.

Just take the new silverware as a win.

[u/dayletta → u/ChemicalCat4181]

Of course I did not expect her to not go into the kitchen drawers, but more to respect our conversation of not re-arranging any

[u/My_Name_Is_Amos]

YOR. Just move everything back the way you want it once home. However, the weird statement about your fiancés car is a bit unhinged. Why does he have to have a discussion about his car?

[u/Sea-Operation-6123]

Personally, I truly appreciate anyone who cleans my house or my car. Hell if my family was house sitting I would leave a list of things to do for them. If they decided to move stuff around I would just move it back or leave it there if it made sense.

YOR - your house is just a place where you keep your stuff. It’s just stuff. You told her you were going to put it back. Problem solved.

[u/I_Weep_for_Willow]

Yes you overreacted. You could have just moved them back when you returned. Even if you were miffed, you really didn't need to say anything. 

[u/MeanTemperature1267 → u/I_Weep_for_Willow]

Would you just...let someone rearrange your possessions for you without speaking up?

[u/I_Weep_for_Willow → u/MeanTemperature1267]

In this particular circumstance, I'd let it fly, because busybodies are gonna busybody. That's not something that would boil my blood or anything. So yes, I wouldn't speak up because I wouldn't take some sort of offense at something that doesn't effect my life. 

I understand Redditors aren't used to normal interactions, so my stance is somewhat odd, but... yeah.

[u/dayletta → u/I_Weep_for_Willow]

Well right after this she had a tantrum because I wouldn’t let her go into my car for no reason so your judgement is tragically flawed

[u/I_Weep_for_Willow → u/dayletta]

Yeah that's a bit much on her part.