r/AmIOverreacting • u/Suspicious_End_441 • Feb 16 '26
⚕️ health AIO for being mad that everyone expected me to know my mom was having a stroke?
Okay, this is my first post ever. So apologies in advance if it’s not set up correctly.
Here’s the context of the situation:
About 9 days ago, my parents returned home from a cruise vacation. Me (30F) and my fiancé (31M) are temporarily staying here while we save for a place. My parents returned from their trip (we weren’t there) and about 2 hours after getting home, my mom had a Grand Mal seizure. It’s her first ever, and my dad was extremely shaken up from witnessing it. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital where they followed up with CT and some other stuff. CT results looked good they said and the hospital released her back home to us the next day.
That was last Saturday, on Thursday (4 days ago), my mom was getting noticeably worse. She was complaining of extreme dizziness in the morning, and was having trouble keeping her balance, so much that we took her back to the hospital out of concern. She waited in the ER less than an hour, then demanded to be picked up, saying the hospital didn’t have any beds. It didn’t really make sense but me and my dad picked her up. She had been struggling with a Kratom addiction which her Dr. implied could have caused the seizure. That’s why we were like ok she’s just not making sense she’s having withdrawals. She said she felt fine to come home then my dad went to work and left me with her.
The night was absolutely horrible. My mom continued to get worse. She was confused, calling me every two mins, and having trouble walking. After walking her back from the bathroom, she fell, which prompted the texts attached that i sent to my dad. It was clear she needed to go to the hospital, I just didn’t know if it was ambulance-worthy or not (not sure how the insurance is with that). I figured if it was enough of an emergency, he would tell me what to do. He said to keep an eye on her, and he came home from work early to watch her. He took her back to the hospital the next morning.
Apparently, she’d had multiple bilateral strokes and also an aneurysm. I’m a wreck worrying over her, I fear that the delay in getting her to the ER will cause permanent brain damage. I didn’t know what to do in the situation and i feel awful. My fiancé has assured me that im not a nurse and i did everything i could. This morning, my parents cornered me and gave me a big speech about how serious her stroke was and how i need to be more proactive if this ever happens again. I agree it’s serious, but i feel sort of stung by the implication. I notified my father the instant i suspected she needed to go to the hospital. He CAME home and didn’t take her until the next morning. AIO for being mad that they’re acting like I didn’t do enough?? This isn’t something I take lightly and their comments are really inducing a lot of guilt.
1.5k
u/HighNoonZ Feb 16 '26
Every single person in this situation handled this one wrong.
427
280
u/yobrefas Feb 17 '26
And the framing of every single one of her texts to her dad are not written like, “oh no, mom is having this symptom and I am really worried about her.” It is, “I can’t even do X because mom has problem Y.” And, “mom is interfering with Z because she can’t even Y.”
OP was never concerned about her mother’s decline, she was focused on it and sharing it with her father from a place of frustration because she felt like she was left with too much work to do. And now, she’s mad because she resented that entire day of caring for her mother and someone is telling her that her lack of observation or concern for her mother could have killed her, but she’s still more worried about getting credit for the work she put in that day and putting blame on someone else.
It’s deeply, deeply uncomfortable to read OP’s texts and her perception of what she’s experienced.
→ More replies (3)103
u/SaltnSandy Feb 17 '26
Yeah that’s what made me feel weird reading this. OP doesn’t seem concerned she seems annoyed. Sad.
→ More replies (4)16
u/OkBoatRamp Feb 18 '26
She also seems dishonest. Her mom had a bilateral stroke AND an aneurysm only 4 days ago, and her mom is already relased from the hospital and well enough to "corner her" and lecture her?? Oh please.
215
Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
77
Feb 17 '26
Yes. She absolutely comes across as though she is complaining about the inconvenience of looking after her incredibly ill mother, rather than "something is seriously wrong"
70
18
→ More replies (2)37
u/This_Option_5250 Feb 17 '26
Why OP texting dad when mom is confused and collapsed a few days after having a stroke? get a fucking ambulance!
If it was so clear she needed the hospital then get there, fight about the details later.
18
u/ticklishintent Feb 17 '26
I was also thinking how if they were so concerned about ambulance costs, why didn't they just drive her to the hospital or urgent care at least? No way two 30 year old adults have no means of personal transportation.
396
u/MsDariaMorgendorffer Feb 16 '26
ESH
Your mother couldn’t walk or even stand- you guys didn’t keep her in the hospital for care, instead you brought her home and tried to feed her. Incredibly dangerous acts on your part.
Even if you didn’t know about her insurance for an ambulance, you should have driven her. Or basically anything but keep her home and try to have her swallow food and drink.
Ultimately- for a stroke, delaying care causes additional damage. Bottom line.
→ More replies (5)88
u/JustGenWhY Feb 17 '26
Like this was a woman that just came home from a cruise not someone OP is used to seeing sickly. OP should have realized how out of the ordinary this was for her mom and took initiative. Clearly her dad is just as neglectful.
3.8k
u/Tall_Wonder_913 Feb 16 '26
It’s weird that she was left in the ER alone originally and you guys took her home even though she hadn’t been seen yet. I live 3000 miles from my family and when I was having serious lightheadedness and dizziness my friends took me, stayed with me, and insisted I stay when I wanted to leave (waited 6 hours to be seen). I think your dad was wrong to blame you for his choice not to take her the next day but you’re both weird for leaving her there and letting her choose to make herself worse by leaving without knowing what happened. She was practically incapacitated and she needed her family to help her choose her long term medical help over short term comfort
1.1k
u/Suspicious_End_441 Feb 16 '26
to clarify, my dad took her to the ER and left her there, I believe because he had to get ready for work. I wish he would’ve stayed a little bit with her. I got a call an hour later of her at the hospital asking me to pick her up. I called him confused, he said that she hadn’t been seen and that she just wanted to come home so “it must not be that bad” and asking me to go get her. I drove all the way to the hospital, and when i got there, he was already picking her up and helping her into the car. I guess he left to get her and didn’t tell me. I was livid in that moment but also i agree that she should’ve stayed at the hospital
2.8k
u/SuccessfulPiccolo945 Feb 16 '26
NOR He's lashing out at you because he knew he messed up and doesn't want to admit he's at fault. Mom shouldn't have left the hospital without being seen.
718
u/scienceislice Feb 16 '26
YUP this is the winning ticket right here!! He came home from work and didn't immediately take her to the hospital, he is the one who delayed and he is upset because it's his fault, so if he lashes out at OP then it becomes her fault, not his.
39
u/throwaway-this-name Feb 17 '26
OP was watching her mother have a medical episode and didn't call ambulance either. ESH
→ More replies (4)23
u/Dismal_Suspect_3241 Feb 17 '26
This👍🏼 I can’t comprehend how a 30 year old watched their mom having an episode in front of them but texts their elderly dad who’s working a night shift. Not saying what the dad did was right but if he’s the sole bread earner feeding 4 people including the 30 year old child and their SO…
→ More replies (5)91
u/brilor123 Feb 16 '26
Exactly this. I'm not saying what he is doing is right, but it is understandable at the moment that he is blaming externally to avoid the realization that he is the one who delayed care. Sure, OP should've realized that dizziness and such wasn't at all normal and probably just taken her mom to the hospital or called an ambulance (ambulance being preferred since at least then, the EMTs do a basic check before taking her), but the mom honestly shouldn't have ever left the hospital in the first place, and both OP and OP's father shouldn't have let her.
37
u/Just_Dream357 Feb 17 '26
I'm guessing that him acting angry towards you is easier than confronting his own guilt and coming to terms with her diagnosis. She's probably having a difficult time, too. She may wonder if the drug use attributed to the strokes, and may be scared this will happen again. Again, it's not right to take out their frustration on you, but, in the immediate aftermath, somewhat understandable.
Maybe talk with them one-on-one in a couple of weeks, and talk through how you've felt through all of this, and maybe what you wish you'd done differently. It may give them, especially Dad, an opportunity to do the same.
I wish your family well ❤️🩹
→ More replies (2)10
u/Sweet_Permission_700 Feb 17 '26
They sound American.
In 2004, a one mile ambulance ride where all they did was transport my dizzy and disoriented self cost me $2000. I shudder to think what that costs in 2026 USD.
→ More replies (2)11
u/Vikingwitchlady Feb 17 '26
NOR. You practically begged for help getting her to the hospital and your dad insisted on waiting until the next morning. He also ditched her at the ER so he could go to work!?? WTF, your spouse’s medical emergency is WAY more important than your job. He is projecting his incompetence on you and trying to skirt his responsibility for his lack of action that lead to a delay in medical care. This is manipulation and gas lighting and you do not have to put up with this. I don’t know what your financial situation is, but if you have the ability to leave, you need to. You are too young to be expected to be a full time caregiver to your mother, especially as you try to start a family/life with your fiancée. I’m so sorry you had to experience this.
→ More replies (12)20
83
u/OneEggplant6511 Feb 16 '26
NOR. I’m an ICU nurse, the number of older men that essentially drop their wives off at the ER is wild. This situation isn’t odd or an isolated occurrence at all. One instance that immediately came to mind when I worked in a neuro icu was on an Easter Sunday, an elderly gentleman dropped his wife off at triage unconscious because “she wasn’t acting right.” He wheeled her to the triage desk and then he just left to go to Easter service at church and spent the day with family, didn’t leave a phone number, insurance cards, ID, medication list or anything. She was having one of the largest hemorrhagic strokes I’ve seen in 15 years of nursing. ER had to put her on a ventilator to protect her airway, then called a stroke alert for obvious reasons and her head CT showed catastrophic loss of viable brain tissue and it wasn’t getting enough blood due to severe prolonged swelling, recovery would not be possible because there was so much swelling on her brain that she was herniating her brain stem into C1/C2. We admitted her to ICU while social workers tried to ID her and find her family, but later that evening the husband came back to the ER to pick her up only to find out that she was pretty much clinically brain dead. He was really shocked but said he just assumed there was a pill or something the doctors had that was going to fix the problem and he would just go about his day and come back later to get her and she would be good as new. Bottom line- this isn’t your fault at all. You’re not trained in identifying or ruling out stroke symptoms, and substance use can often mask symptoms of other things like a stroke. I’m really sorry this happened to your mom, I wish her a smooth recovery.
54
u/Ancient_Emotion_2484 Feb 17 '26
Men who do that: Hello, service department. My wife-appliance is malfunctioning, and I need to drop it off. Just give me a call when it's ready for pickup.
→ More replies (1)23
u/ShopperSparkle Feb 17 '26
Wow that’s astonishing, but unfortunately not likely the only time you’ve had someone do something like this.
→ More replies (2)13
u/OneEggplant6511 Feb 17 '26
It’s also the rural Southeast… just when you think you seen it all, you ain’t!
467
u/joyce_emily Feb 16 '26
Your dad is the real AH here, but you’ve learned a valuable lesson about trusting your own instincts instead of going along with what others tell you
→ More replies (4)176
u/scienceislice Feb 16 '26
I mean OP is still living in their house and clearly just does whatever they tell her to do and then takes their abuse when doing exactly what they told her to do doesn't work out. Seems like there's a lot of enmeshment going on and that the parents are emotionally manipulative if not downright abusive.
102
u/0rsch0 Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
Agree re:enmeshment. And probable enabling of mom’s addiction.
Addiction is a family disease.
55
u/TheNewOneIsWorse Feb 16 '26
Your dad can’t take a day off work when his wife is potentially dying??
168
u/Tall_Wonder_913 Feb 16 '26
Dad fucked up. His wife was having a medical emergency and he prioritized getting ready for work
→ More replies (7)79
u/Fluffy-Koalas Feb 16 '26
Yep. My husband wouldn't take me to the ER when I had severe tonsillitis (I didn't know yet, but I was in enough pain to want to go to the hospital) because he didn't want to be there all night because he had work in the morning. I ended up bringing myself the next morning and being admitted and was in the hospital for the better part of two weeks. I never forgave him for that. Work is never more important than someone's health. Period.
→ More replies (4)20
96
u/EveOCative Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
It sounds like the person who isn’t taking your mom’s health seriously is your father.
Instead of
accordingaccepting his role in the situation, he’s rejected the shame he feels by trying to put it on your shoulders.I think the important things to focus on are how do they act moving forward. If this was a one time emotional lash out, then you may or may not temporarily forgive it while you all try to take care of mom. It can be addressed again later when she is in a healthier place and everyone is calmer.
If they continue to berate you however, then you need to sit them down and talk about how you while you wish you had known better how to handle the situation, you will not be blamed for something that is ultimately not your call. You were not in the position to override your mother’s self agency. The only person who might have had a chance at doing so, didn’t choose to do so until the next morning.
Edit: Also, NOR.
→ More replies (1)93
u/HeartObjective3929 Feb 16 '26
Wtf, what are they even mad at your for then? It sounds like your dad did everything. All you di was listen to him…..
54
u/TipsyMagpie Feb 16 '26
That’s why they need to divert blame onto OP. Dad doesn’t like where it’s resting otherwise.
→ More replies (4)43
u/emz0rmay Feb 16 '26
It’s weird that OP at 30 years old needed their dad’s permission/ their dad to agree before calling an ambulance for their mum. We’re not talking about a teenager here. This is a fully fledged adult
→ More replies (2)40
u/Left-Entertainer-279 Feb 16 '26
I don't know, but my guess is that possibly ambulances aren't considered a medical necessity in their state. If that's the case, they'd be looking at a very large bill that wouldn't be covered by insurance.
I'm not dating to choose $$$ over mom's health, but I do get worrying about if you'd be dropping a huge bill on your parent's heads over what might not be serious. Where I'm confused, wasn't there a medical professional they could call to inquire about the seriousness? Like an urgent care, telehealth, her PCP, or even the hospital directly? Hell even WebMD would have been more helpful then dad in this situation.
6
→ More replies (3)13
18
50
107
Feb 16 '26
Sounds like the ER has a lot of fault here as well, someone who has a possible stroke should not be waiting they should be triaged and admitted immediately so they can go through the time sensitive stroke protocol.
79
u/super_peachy Feb 16 '26
They left her there alone, disoriented, and confused. She couldn't articulate what was going on or advocate for herself. It's very unlikely she went there, checked in, and actually gave them a clear picture of what was happening to her. She might not have even checked in, she was there an hour. It's very common for people in that state to say they're fine and just want to go home.
45
u/friedonionscent Feb 17 '26
Honestly, everyone sucks.
OP is a 31 year old grown adult, not a child. When something is an emergency, you don't waste time texting dad.
And this was clearly an emergency. Mom was acting very bizarrely - even if you didn't know it was a stroke, you'd know it was something serious enough to completely change how this woman functions - mentally and physically.
→ More replies (1)27
u/NTufnel11 Feb 16 '26
Perhaps. It's not totally clear what they knew and didn't know because it sounds like the dad left her there to describe the issue herself, and she likely minimized it. I doubt she came in saying "I think I might be having a stroke". If she just came in saying I'm feeling dizzy, I don't think the ER has enough information to prioritize her.
Either way, dropping someone off at the ER and leaving her there is a wild decision for the dad.
38
→ More replies (3)14
u/kimar2z Feb 16 '26
Yeah that’s what I was thinking. And I mean yeah different types of strokes present differently. I’ve witnessed two strokes in my life and in both cases I knew they were strokes before EMS arrived but only because they presented pretty standard - confusion, slurred speech, inability to move or respond, excessive weakness, not aware of surroundings or needs.
When my boyfriends older brother fell over and had a stroke in the yard (also a chronic drug user) when we found him I was like yeah man we need to call EMS either he OD’d or he’s having a stroke but I’m betting for stroke” and surprise. It was a stroke.
With OP’s mom, though, it sounds like it presented differently. And given a history of drug use, I don’t blame op for not immediately going “this is an emergency she’s having a stroke”
7
u/BeigeVelociraptor Feb 16 '26
He fucked up and doesn't want to admit it. It's easier to blame you. You're NOR. He's a little brat that needs to grow up and take responsibility.
7
u/Codpuppet Feb 16 '26
NOR, Dad is the one who really messed up. He’s putting the majority of the guilt on you.
→ More replies (17)21
u/emorrigan Feb 16 '26
Your dad is attacking you because he feels guilty. He should feel guilty. He left her at the ER- needing EMERGENCY treatment- alone! A person who was in no position to make decisions for herself!
And ffs, coming down from Kratom doesn’t cause seizures. Kratom doesn’t even make you feel high. It makes you a little shaky and you don’t feel awesome. That’s it. If your mom has been taking Kratom, she likely has some persistent pain that she’s dealing with.
→ More replies (1)28
u/Audio-Starshine Feb 16 '26
It wouldn't have made any difference. Patients are allowed to refuse care under any circumstances unless they have a legally appointed guardian or medical proxy or they are unconscious. I work in dementia/disability care and I once had a client who while his wife was sleeping got it in his head that he had bugs under the skin in his arm and peeled the skin off with a pairing knife from the inside of his elbow all the way to his wrist. She called 911, I rushed over there to help stop the bleeding, and he refused transportation to the hospital and there was nothing they could do about it. If she didn't want to be there the hospital could not make her say unless she had threatened to kill herself with witnesses.
→ More replies (2)25
u/Tall_Wonder_913 Feb 16 '26
It doesn’t sound like anyone from the family made even a reasonable effort to get her to stay tho. Maybe attempting to convince her would’ve worked, especially if a loved one had stayed there with her. Leaving her there alone and then just automatically trusting her judgement is wild
→ More replies (3)45
u/justhereforfighting Feb 16 '26
It's also crazy that someone who JUST had a seizure had to wait close to an hour to be seen. Either every doctor was already seeing someone who needed immediate, life saving care or they have a serious problem with triage. Grand mal seizures are a common symptom of strokes and kratom use increases stroke risk. Your risk of serious, irreversible brain damage and death from a stroke increase dramatically the longer you go without being treated. That medical history should have caused an immediate escalation with the staff.
→ More replies (3)13
u/Enough_State_9164 Feb 16 '26
While I do agree she should’ve been triaged quickly, it really depends on the hospital on how quickly even emergent pts can be seen depending what else is going on. I work for a small rural hospital with a single coverage ED. Meaning there is one ED physician working at any given time. This is not uncommon in rural areas and the next closest hospital is 40 min away. The nurses can definitely get certain things going with other emergency pts but if there is a trauma or something else happening, the physician and most of the staff will be attending to that pt. (Not making excuses just offering some info that could’ve contributed to this or similar situations)
46
u/GaymerGirl42014 Feb 16 '26
It's not that weird. I had a series of 8-12 strokes over a 2 week period. I thought it was a sinus infection/anxiety combination. I lost the use of half my hand and put it down to trapping a nerve because I was sleeping so heavy. I have a history of vestibular problems, so the dizziness and unsteadiness made sense to me. It wasn't until I had the full hemiplegic weakness that we knew what it was and I went off to hospital.
In people with complex medical history or chronic illness, it's really easy to miss the signs of something serious, if they're similar to symptoms you expect.
It turns out, if I feel like I am moving the the space, then it is likely coming from my ears. If it feels like the world is moving around me, it is brain damage from the stroke area of my brain. These are only differences a person who has experienced both would understand.
There's nothing neglectful about misreading a situation. Not all medical emergencies come with boom and flashing lights.
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (13)13
u/Gooses_Gooses Feb 16 '26
Yeah. I coughed up blood but was completely fine otherwise so my boyfriend, who I’d been with two months, walked me to a&e and sat up with me all night until I was seen. And wasn’t mad when it turns out to be nothing
→ More replies (3)
526
u/mungbeans4 Feb 16 '26
You should have taken her to the hospital. Your dad also should have taken her to the hospital. You both messed up here.
→ More replies (7)62
u/Pretend-Okra-4031 Feb 16 '26
This. Youre both at fault here. I feel like any reasonable person would have gotten her to the hospital or at the very least, called the nurse line to ask them what you should do. Op, was your mom asleep when your dad got home?
119
u/lemonclouds31 Feb 16 '26
YOR and I think your whole family failed your mother. You all saw the rapid decline, knew she wasn't acting herself, knew she just had a grand mal seizure, and just kept passing the buck to someone else. Your mother was in need and no one wanted to inconvenience themselves to help her. That makes me so sad. My GMIL acted not herself for about an hour and the entire family mobilized to get her help even though she was refusing, and she just ended up being dehydrated.
→ More replies (1)
1.2k
Feb 16 '26
Did two 30+ year old people watch this woman dramatically decline and not call an ambulance?? I get not knowing what insurance will cost but you’ve got to make a decision at some point. Like hospital bill or dead parent? Next time call the ambulance. Your dad can figure out how to pay the bill. Or let it go to collections for hell’s sake.
151
u/urMomsDarkChestHair Feb 16 '26
Right?? I worked at a law firm when I was 22. I was in my manager’s office and she suddenly felt dizzy/faint and needed to sit down. I asked if she was ok, got her some water, and asked how she was feeling again. She was slurring her words as she told me she couldn’t feel one side of her body and couldn’t move her arm. I immediately called 911. We were a block away from the fire department so the response was really fast. Turns out she was fasting and was fine. Grown ass lawyers and everyone in the office called me overdramatic and should’ve just left it. I told them she was having signs of a stroke and I’d rather overreact than me sit around while someone is dying. Every second counts with a stroke and can leave someone totally disabled if they survive.
→ More replies (1)27
437
u/friendofredjenny Feb 16 '26
Did two 30+ year old people watch this woman dramatically decline and not call an ambulance??
Genuinely. I'm shocked, because something similar happened to my own mother. She'd been sick in bed for a few days (later learned she had pneumonia) and one night had a stroke. She couldn't get out of bed or speak clearly, and her stupid stoner/alchy brother (who she lived with at the time) didn't call for an ambulance until he checked on her hours later and found her unresponsive. He called me in the middle of the night and told me everything. I lived in another state back then, so I flew up the next morning.
She died at the hospital. 50yrs old. Her birthday is actually coming up, the 17th. Can't help but wonder if her brother had actually responded appropriately, would she still be around. How can people hesitate when something goes wrong like this? I don't get it.
57
60
u/BattyCattyRatty Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
This might not be the same situation as OP but something similar happened where my mom did not want to go to the hospital and I can sympathize.
I hadn’t heard from my mom one day so I went to her house to check on her and she was on the floor unable to get up. She told me not to call an ambulance and that she only needed to be lifted up and drink water. I called my partner in a panic and she said I needed to call an ambulance and she’d be right over. My partner called her own mom who then called to tell me to call an ambulance and she’d would also come over. The entire time I am on the phone with them, my mom is screaming at me that she didn’t want to go to the hospital and not to call an ambulance and just pick her up.
My mom has verbally attacked me and screamed at me to keep me in line my whole life so yeah a part of me wasn’t going to call an ambulance, but I knew my partner and her mom were coming and they’d be expecting an ambulance and the two of them had better judgement than I did in this moment. I told my mom I couldn’t pick her up and I shouldn’t listen to her because she’s literally stuck on the floor and then I called 911.
My mom got diagnosed with a benign brain tumor.
6
u/Amphy64 Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
So sorry. I hope you're in a better place now.
I get how hard it would have been to go against your mum even in that situation. I keep thinking over and over whether I should have understood my recently late mum was getting more confused (there wasn't really anything different that I could pinpoint, just a lot of pushing people away, which wasn't totally new), but, the thing is she'd been capable of being erratic my entire life under stress, which, yes, tended to involve screaming at me (often in particular): even to the point of genuinely seeming disconnected from reality at times, and mixing things up. I even keep wondering if there was more wrong medically then than we knew, although the time period involved doesn't seem to add up. This is the person who left me by myself in my flat on the floor hallucinating with fever, unable to take my medication on time (next time similar happened I was hospitalised right away) - my best attempt at making sense of it is she just couldn't cope, esp. with her sense of responsibility for my spinal injury, not that she'd ever admit that openly. Her pushing people away towards the end was also in-character enough that I'll never know her intentions for sure now. I refused to back down about not letting her go to A&E by herself. But with my alcoholic dad latching on to her (possibly not really meant?) refusal as well, and screaming at me and treating me like I was just being manipulative (???), I still didn't feel like I actually trusted myself, even though I knew intellectually that doing anything else seemed impossible.
We rely so often on the person we're interacting with not only choosing to be reasonable, but still capable of reason, it's legitimately disorientating when they aren't any more. With the disorientation from a history of abusive dynamics as well?
Did you have to work on rebuilding trust in your own judgement? I feel like I'm back at the beginning a bit after spending more time living with my parents again.
→ More replies (5)17
118
u/tiredblackgrl Feb 16 '26
Before opening the post I thought this was a teenager talking. But my god they’re both 30 and couldn’t even think for themselves. Both her and the father are at fault tbh.
26
u/CharlesDickhands Feb 16 '26
Me too!! OP and her partner need to move out and grow up. This is the age it’s pretty normal to be a carer to a parent.
44
u/Leighvi0let Feb 16 '26
I understand not calling the ambulance for $$ reasons if you don’t think they’re actively dying but like, drive her there yourself? Call a cab or uber? Just go and sit and wait and make sure she gets care.
92
85
u/tandsrox101 Feb 16 '26
yeah i can’t believe anyone didn’t notice these as stroke signs, or at the very least something very very serious. the dad is an asshole for how he’s reacting to this, but op and the dad are horrible for how they handled it initially
27
u/TipsyMagpie Feb 16 '26
I know someone whose husband watched her deteriorate and lose the ability to speak for multiple days, and was only brought to hospital when a different relative visited. He was asked why he didn’t bring her in and apparently he “didn’t think she had anything to say”. She had a really serious stroke.
19
u/HelpfulName Feb 16 '26
Someone my husband worked with years ago did this along with his dad to his mum. He lived with his parents and one day she started stumbling, slurring words etc and after about 2 weeks went non verbal and his dad told him (a grown adult in his 30's) that she was just tired and didn't have anything to say to him. And he accepted what his dad told him for MONTHS. Eventually his mum was essentially a zombie they had to carry down from her bed and sit in the couch at the beginning of the day and then back up to bed at the end of it.
It wasn't till he started dating someone who was on the same project my husband was working with him on and took this woman home that this situation came to light. She called an elder abuse hotline and they got investigated - his mum got put in a home as at this point she was sadly way too far gone for any treatment, and his dad got charged with negligence and elder abuse, this guy missed a charge because he has it in writing via text of his dad repeatedly shutting down any questions about whether or not this was normal and threatening to kick him out if he asked if they should take her to hospital.
He just believed his dad.
Some people just don't really engage in live in an individual way, they just believe what they're told because thinking independently is scary and hard.
→ More replies (1)14
30
u/Amphy64 Feb 16 '26
There's public information campaigns about stroke because it's unfortunately an issue that people aren't familiar with symptoms. When these things are in front of you, it may also not be as obvious as it sounds. OP was deeply worried, so, they were taking it seriously.
→ More replies (4)13
u/deathbychips2 Feb 16 '26
Some people are dumb.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity
60
u/theRealLydmeister Feb 16 '26
I don’t understand how someone makes it to the age of 30 without knowing the signs of a stroke. The F.A.S.T. acronym was posted EVERYWHERE when COVID started causing strokes in previously healthy young folks.
80
u/melxcham Feb 16 '26
You don’t even need to recognize it as a stroke. A (presumably) able-bodied adult can’t walk and is acting weird? Competent adults (and even some children!) would know to call 911 or at the very, very least drive them to the hospital. It’s actually extremely concerning that 3 adults did not recognize this as an emergency. Imagine if OP and her husband have kids.
Edit - I decided it was more than “a little bit” concerning
30
u/DynaRyan25 Feb 16 '26
I genuinely believe my 8 year old would call 911 if I was suddenly disorientated, slurring my words, or unable to walk. He wouldn’t know what was happening but he would know something wasn’t right and we need help. The dad for sure sounds culpable too but man 30+ years old and you don’t call an ambulance when your mom can’t walk and isn’t making sense? That’s so odd.
16
u/kaisadilla_ Feb 16 '26
Yup. You don't have to know anything at all other than "person is fucked up and I don't know why = get a doctor right now".
20
u/bunkymutt Feb 16 '26
OP says their mom has a history of addiction. As the child of an alcoholic/addict, sometimes our normal-meter can get pretty messed up. Is it a medical emergency or are they using? Not a fun game to play and there are no right answers. I'm fully an adult and recently went through this with a parent - it's really messed up to me and my siblings so I can't imagine how messed up it looks to other people.
→ More replies (1)15
u/melxcham Feb 16 '26
Yeah, I think if an addict suddenly can’t walk, is acting weird, and can’t even feed themself that is a sign that something is seriously wrong beyond just being high. Addicts are at a higher risk of severe medical events so if anything this should be more cause for alarm when their function suddenly declines. For alcoholism specifically, Wernicke’s encephalopathy (alcoholic dementia) presents initially with these symptoms.
OPs mom couldn’t even hold a cup. I doubt she was secretly dosing herself. Although OP, her partner, and her dad seem oblivious enough that maybe it would’ve gotten past them.
→ More replies (1)6
14
u/jason_sos Feb 16 '26
Seriously, I remember the commercials. They have changed it a bit since then to BE FAST:
You also don't even need to necessarily know it's a stroke. Something is seriously wrong if someone who was just on a cruise and presumably walking and enjoying herself can now not do anything at all for themselves.
→ More replies (4)18
u/nutloafwednesdays Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
None of the classic FAST symptoms are mentioned by OP. Sounds like cerebellar involvement, which does not present like most people expect.
Edit: Not that everyone shouldn't have demanded emergency care when she couldn't walk -- but specifically knowing this is a stroke and exceptionally time-sensitive is not something I'd expect of most laypeople.
→ More replies (1)38
u/BrucetheFerrisWheel Feb 16 '26
Exactly. Who is texting the other parent at work and telling them to do something. 30 is absolutely an adult and it's time to behave like one. No one needs to be a nurse to see when someone has had a massive decline in health. My mum had an event when I was 13yrs old, I called a damn ambulance, hell 4 year olds call ambulances for parents.
Time to accept responsibility for your role in this shitshow.
18
Feb 16 '26
I was 12 when my aunt had a diabetic incident. I called 911 then my dad to let him know he needed to come pick me up. I was 12, not 30. Im 21 now and have a dog that has risks of strokes. He had one when we first got him and not one since. You dont have to be a professional to know when someone needs professional help. OP and their father sound like (for the lack of better words) idiots.
11
u/AmarysEms64 Feb 16 '26
The way OP wrote this I would've expected her to be 12. At least then her hesitation and confusion would be more understandable. 30 is way too old to be acting this helpless.
The dad is just flat out a piece of filthy dog crap. He prioritized work and sleep over his wife's well-being. He ditched her at a hospital, he took her from said hospital before she could be seen, and then he came home to her being unable to walk or make any proper sense and said to himself, "eh, i'll deal with it tomorrow." He has the audacity to berate OP over it too as if he isnt equally responsible. He SHOULD be too ashamed of himself to speak.
That poor woman is surrounded by people who don't care enough about her and has no one she can rely on at her most vulnerable.
The only thing any of these people should be doing is begging that woman on their knees for forgiveness and taking actual proper care of her from here on.
11
u/kaisadilla_ Feb 16 '26
They all fucked up. I cannot imagine being in the situation OP describes and thinking anything other than "let's go to ER right now". Heck, I've brought people to ER for less.
To be honest, though, I live in a country where I don't have to worry about ambulance costs.
→ More replies (41)18
u/Feral_Sourdough Feb 16 '26
Omg yes! Like you're not teenagers....I would have called an ambulance and stayed at the hospital with her. Who the fuck cares about bills at that point.
569
u/hot-grapefruit- Feb 16 '26
NOR but ESH honestly. You are a grown woman and should’ve taken initiative to take your mom to the hospital when it’s clear that’s what was needed. It felt wrong to ignore because it was wrong. I get not calling an ambulance but why didn’t you just drive her? Your dad sucks and your mom needs to stop with the kratom. That shit needs to be regulated
80
u/Morganahri Feb 16 '26
Fully agree. Imagine nearly dying and your family takes their chances with it, texting and going to work, taking you back out of hospital without seeing a doctor. I'd cut them off forever after that. IDK the English term for it, but in my country they'd literally go to court if she died or had grave health issues after this now
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (2)78
u/TiledCandlesnuffer Feb 16 '26
I see this a lot with people my age or younger these days (30)
They will sit there waiting for somebody to tell them that it’s OK to do something, instead of just taking initiative.
But at age 30 you really need to decide, am I going to defer responsibility/wait for “permission”… or am I gonna save my mom’s life?
20
u/unicornhornporn0554 Feb 17 '26
One of the first things they taught me in my Red Cross cpr/babysitting class (that I took when I was fucking 10) was in an emergency you direct people. You don’t say “someone call for help” you point at a person and tell them to call 911. The issue is these days it seems no one takes the initiative to do anything, they wait to be told what to do.
I remember less than a year later my brother who was about 9 choked on a warhead candy. I started smacking him on the back and nothing was happening, so I told my 7 yr old brother to go get an adult and he took off and came back a half second later and says “which adult?”. I said “any of them!!” And by the time he returned with an adult I had done the heimlich and cleared the obstruction. But he was 7, so obvs no one holds it against him, but in any emergency now I’m extremely clear in my directions bc of this.
I’ve run into this issue training others for janitorial jobs, they don’t know how to “find something to do” they have to be told exactly what to do. It’s so frustrating, but can be the matter of life or death in situations like OPs.
136
u/seraphichermit Feb 16 '26
I'm genuinely baffled that you, your fiancée, and your father, all grown adults, watched your mother decline drastically in health and decided to just "keep an eye on her".
She couldn't walk, couldn't feed herself, couldn't hold a glass of water, and not one of you thought "this is really strange, we should call an ambulance"
Your texts read like you're more concerned about how much of an inconvenience it is to care for her than actually being concerned for her health.
If either of my parents suddenly couldn't walk properly, couldn't feed themselves, or couldn't hold a glass of water, I'd be calling an ambulance immediately.
57
u/NemesisOfLevia Feb 17 '26
Even this post is baffling. It feels like OP is more concerned about being accused of being at fault rather than worrying about their mom’s health, both current and long term
19
u/UnsharpenedSwan Feb 17 '26
right?! WHAT WERE THEY “KEEPING AN EYE OUT” FOR?!
if being unable to walk, feed herself, or hold a glass of water wasn’t the threshold…. WHAT WAS THE THRESHOLD FOR THEM TO TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL? I am flabbergasted!!!
7
124
u/Pretend-Okra-4031 Feb 16 '26
I feel so bad for your mom. She needed her family and they let her down. How scary.
35
u/the_baberuthless Feb 16 '26
Thats what I just keep thinking. I am medically complex, I have fainting spells and have in the past had episodes that leave me so disoriented and full of unclear thoughts. I married a good man who can be entirely depended on in those moments. I also have 2 children in their early teens who are learning how to treat their future partners in life. I sometimes forget that my life isnt the norm and that as scary as it is to have episodes like this, it could be so much scarier if my whole family just... dropped the ball. And the way these texts reads isnt "im concerned for mom", they are "this is too hard for me!!!!!!!!!!! This is inconvenient!!!!!! She is so needy!!!!!"
OP, YTA. ESH.
→ More replies (2)9
u/Pretend-Okra-4031 Feb 16 '26
Same. I have so many health problems and rely heavily on my husband. I got the same impression from the texts. Hope mom recovers from this.
7
u/gutgrins Feb 16 '26
I have severe panic disorder on top of some health problems and both my husband and my mom are ALWAYS there for me no matter what. I've had to call my mom at 3 am and she didn't hesitate to drive 25 minutes to my house to be there for me. I'm so grateful for them, that's how family should be, and it honestly is so scary to imagine having a family that just couldn't be bothered in your times of need, especially when it comes to health scares. i feel sorry for the mother
→ More replies (6)
197
u/trivialerrors Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
ESH.
You should absolutely feel guilty you didn’t do enough.
You and your dad are both insane.
Firstly you’re putting this on your dad like it nullified what you neglected the same way he is. You BOTH dropped her off at the hospital and left her ALONE after she had an episode. To go where??? You have more urgent things than sitting in the ER with your seizing mother?? And then you BOTH left her to her own devices for the night and only took her to the hospital the next morning.
Secondly, where is your ability to make executive decisions? You’re 30+ years old you’re not a kid, if your mom is showing signs of getting worse why text your dad when he’s at work and wait for him to come home to make a decision. Are you for real? You should’ve drive your mom to the hospital and informed your dad.
This is crazy, how little do you guys have to care to just be “wait and see” on a stroke patient?? If I was your mother I’d be MORTIFIED that the guy I married and gave kids to, and the kid that fucking ripped out of my vagina and now housing for free would care for me like this.
What the fuck.
Editing to add:
Not calling an ambulance because you weren’t sure of their INSURANCE COVERAGE is not something sane people would do. Are you honestly thinking if it’s going to cost the family $x amount out of pocket fuck it just let mom die. Who gives a fuck if the ambulance ride is covered by insurance if your mother is showing signs of deterioration. What is her life worth to you???
The more I think about this the more incredibly stupid everyone in this feels to me. This is your MOM.
58
u/ayomayoooo Feb 16 '26
my exact thoughts i was even sensing a hint of annoyance in those messages too yikes
→ More replies (1)7
u/queerjesusfan Feb 17 '26
I think it was a heaping more than a hint of annoyance. She couldn't be assed to call an ambulance, but wanted credit for dragging mom upstairs for 30 minutes?
19
u/donkeyvoteadick Feb 17 '26
I'm no contact with my mother, she's a horrible person, and I'm 90% certain she doesn't have ambulance cover.. I would have called her an ambulance if I saw her in the same state that OP has described. Shit, I'd call an ambulance for a complete stranger exhibiting these symptoms.
I think OP turned to Reddit hoping we'd validate them and tell them their parents are being big meanies but literally every person in this poor woman's life failed her over the course of a week where she was experiencing a medical emergency. Awful behaviour from the lot of them.
→ More replies (4)12
u/Alarmed_Tea_2874 Feb 17 '26
Furthermore she was already taken by an ambulance the first time. That line of reasoning makes literally no sense.
→ More replies (1)
210
u/S2Sallie Feb 16 '26
Both your parents including your mom cornered you & yelled at you? How is that even possible esp after an aneurysm? I’m sure it’s possible to survive one after delayed care, but she was well enough to yell at you? Am I reading this wrong?
38
u/Alarmed_Tea_2874 Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
Edit: initially I said it was possible she was home. She said it has been 9 days since seizure but I assumed since stroke. OP actually said 4 days since stroke. I initially said it was possible she could have been treated and sent home. Still possible but less likely given what OP says happened. Depends on how bad it was.
That was my first thought too when I read that part of it. If she was part of the conversation it's good for OPs mom as that shows she is coherent after everything that occurred. I know plenty who were not that lucky after a medical emergency of this nature.
26
u/KiaKahaMama Feb 16 '26
Depends on where the stroke/aneurysm was. There are different centers of the brain that control different parts of your body. My husband had 6 major strokes, spread over his brain. After the first, he was still able to talk, walk etc. By the 6th, he was in a daze - known as stroke fog - for days. Then went thru extensive therapy to return to some semblance of normalcy.
23
u/Marquisdelafayette89 Feb 16 '26
Thank you! I read that and was like uhh…? It’s framed as happening after that night like the the next day.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (3)6
u/Crankshaft57 Feb 17 '26
I was wondering this too. How did she get cornered by her parents when her mom just had a stroke and is hospitalized…
360
u/EtonRd Feb 16 '26
INFO
You say on Thursday, your mom went back to the hospital and then demanded to be picked up… was she left alone at the hospital? If somebody was experiencing extreme dizziness and having trouble keeping her balance and had recently suffered a seizure, how could they be left alone at the hospital ER?
You say that if it was enough of an emergency, your dad would tell you that you needed to take her to the hospital again.
That answer would make sense. If you were 17, it doesn’t make sense when you’re 30 years old. That is a full grown adult and you should be capable of figuring out whether somebody needs to go to the ER or not on your own. Relying on somebody who isn’t there to tell you that it’s serious is not a reasonable explanation for somebody your age.
Same thing with you saying your dad left her with you. He left her with you because you’re a full grown adult and should be capable of managing the situation.
255
u/Agreeable-Metal2992 Feb 16 '26
I’m also confused by OP’s family leaving someone who just had a Grand Mal seizure and was struggling with extreme dizziness at the ER alone.
→ More replies (4)66
u/Expert_Alchemist Feb 16 '26
Some people's families suck, and a lot of misogyny manifests as husbands not believing their wives are really full people by minimizing everything they say/do. And some people are just selfish aholes.
8
u/take_the_reddit_pill Feb 17 '26
The mom is also a drug addict. I'm sure that factored in to why her idiot daughter and husband weren't sure if this was an emergency.
47
u/BetterBiscuits Feb 16 '26
I’m in the ER often with a couple of sick family members. People that look like they’re on deaths door get dropped off all the time. The family members check them in and leave immediately. I’m not passing judgment, because maybe they can’t miss work, or maybe their sick family member is a POS who doesn’t deserve human empathy. But it happens a lot!
→ More replies (1)21
u/PeachyBaleen Feb 16 '26
Idk how it is everywhere but here in the UK they can’t stop you leaving unless you don’t have the capacity to decide that.
50
u/Futureghostie33 Feb 16 '26
Yes you can leave, what they’re saying is a family member should have stayed and waited to be seen with her and not let her leave without seeing a doctor
9
u/TrueBlueDesigns Feb 16 '26
This. OP’s dad should have called off work and stayed with his spouse in the ER on Thursday, especially after having a Grand Mal seizure! Also OP is 30 years old, seeing someone you live with visibly decline and needing help every 90 seconds should have been sign enough to take her to the ER she didn’t have to go via ambulance if OP was that worried about insurance covering it.
→ More replies (45)46
u/SitchChick Feb 16 '26
Then why didn't the dad take her when he came home? All he did was watch her
96
u/Shepatriots Feb 16 '26
Because the dad is ignorant too. OP and the dad are insane.
→ More replies (3)94
u/mis-misery Feb 16 '26
This seems like a family who fully rely on mom to tell them what to do and are absolutely hopeless and helpless when she's the one having the emergency. God, they almost let her die.
→ More replies (2)
104
u/tandsrox101 Feb 16 '26
aside from the fact you and your dad and your partner are all the worst for not acting when you recognized something seriously wrong, you’re also the worst for in these texts not being concerned about your mom’s wellbeing but instead how it inconvenienced you.
27
u/OkButterscotch2549 Feb 16 '26
And while the parents are allowing them to stay under their roof at 30 y/o and married… how ungrateful can you be?
72
u/Extension-Battle-941 Feb 16 '26
I'm horrified that you thought it was okay to just let her get worse and worse. Fuck the ambulance cost, this costed her valuable time. Also if your in the USA, most ERs see an elderly person immediately if they show signs of strokes or heart attacks. My poor great aunt suffers from strokes and every time she had to go in it was by ambulance or she was seen immediately if we took her by car.
33
u/productofoctober Feb 16 '26
I’ll be honest, you’re 30+. You’re old enough to take charge in the event of a medical emergency. Taking time to text your other parent instead of recognizing your mother in distress is concerning. Ambulances are for emergencies. Dial 911. Anything. I know children that would’ve responded better than this.
122
u/Unicorn_Fruit Feb 16 '26
MOR. Your texts make it seem like you didn’t want to be bothered with helping your mum. I’m sorry. You’re probably very worried about her. But reading these texts it’s almost as if you were saying caring for her for a few hours was too much to ask of you.
54
u/f1rstpancake Feb 16 '26
Yes, when I read it I thought the discussion was about longterm care not about IMMINENT MEDICAL EMERGENCY.
OP is in comments saying "next time mom acts weird!"---the real issue is, yes, this one was fumbled by everyone but ESPECIALLY by OP who is now trying to pass he buck to dad, and it's not yet clear the extent of mom's brain damage as a result. The bigger question is: will OP learn to make independent adult decisions outside of "next time mom acts weird" for a whole host of life responsibilities.
At 21 I helped plan a funeral for my dad. At 33 I became primary caretaker for my aging mother who had cancer. Guess what: sometime about now, parents become less reliable and often need your intervention on their decision-making and care.
→ More replies (4)41
Feb 16 '26
This. I think she was more upset about being inconvenienced.
→ More replies (1)24
u/Unicorn_Fruit Feb 16 '26
Agree. She sounds like she “literally” can’t be bothered. I’m not sure if it’s how she meant it to sound, but it does sound a bit like she doesn’t want the responsibility. “Mum needs me for something every 90 seconds” “it’s literally too much”. I didn’t want to be mean, but she doesn’t come across well in these texts.
→ More replies (1)
24
u/warmonkey99 Feb 16 '26
Yeeeeeah gang I feel like with that many symptoms and issues you should have known to just call 911. Especially if you’re any older than like 13. “Just an opinion, yall chill”
87
u/bath-lady Feb 16 '26
Oh my fucking god. YOR. At your big age? You are 30 years old. When someone has an emergency you take them to the fucking ER. Use your brain.
→ More replies (13)
20
370
u/SharkeyGeorge Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
Did she get triaged at ER? If so, they shouldn’t have let her go. If not, it’s on her for leaving. And it’s on your dad, you’re not an expert and can’t be expected to know what is happening. NOR
135
u/Sutie Feb 16 '26
I work in an ER and unless someone is on an involuntary psych hold, they’re allowed to leave, even if it’s against medical advice.
→ More replies (9)50
u/MishmoshMishmosh Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
Right, what did the discharge papers say?
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (18)11
u/Wonderful-Pumpkin695 Feb 16 '26
Hospitals cannot hold someone, nor treat them, against their will (unless in very specific psychiatric cases).
→ More replies (3)
18
u/babycakes143feet Feb 16 '26
seems like u spent most of ur energy being annoyed about "having to take care of her" instead of using a sliver of energy to figure out what was actually going on.(blaming it on withdraws and not the grand mal seizure she had?) 30 years old and your mom (whos house you live in) healths rapidly declining so u blow up ur dad instead of getting any sort of help...YOR and sounds like there isnt a lot of common sense in this house hold
16
u/DormantLime Feb 16 '26
MOR- with you both in your 30s you dont wait for your father's permission to act to save your mother. You call a non emergency line to speak with someone who tells you whether or not she should go to the hospital... and even then, falling, not being able to hold water, etc are all huge huge red flags after seizure activity and any decline in health afterward should have been taken incredibly seriously. Even if the ambulance wasn't an option, rideshare exists... and even an ambulance ride cost is worth less than someone's life. I'm honestly baffled by a lot of what you explained here- especially leaving her in the ER waiting room alone when shes potentially mentally compromised. I'm sorry but I'm going to say everyone involved should have acted more maturely. Sucks that this happened, and I'm sorry for whatever lies ahead, but this is why you need to learn some basics about potential medical emergencies. You're beyond old enough and there are resources that cost nothing both online and in libraries.
→ More replies (1)
57
u/Ok_Solution5558 Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26
I don't think you're overreacting wrt your family's reaction, but I am also a bit surprised that two 30 yo adults didn't call an ambulance - insurance be damned. If she didn't *need* to be transported, the EMTs would have said so. If she *did* need to go, they'd have pushed, but she (*) could have refused AMA (her signature required).
Yes, the delay could well result in significant deficits. Whether your family blames you or not, that knowledge will stay with you, I'm afraid. Sorry.
(*) Edited to clarify that Mom, not OP, could refuse transportation to the hospital AMA. Unless OP has Medical PoA (which doesn't sound likely).
→ More replies (3)
15
u/Onbroadway110 Feb 16 '26
You’re 30 years old and don’t know when you should call 911? Is this not taught in elementary school?
15
u/RowSilver1592 Feb 16 '26
I can’t get past the part where you and your dad just dropped her off at the ER.
7
Feb 17 '26
That poor women, neither of them cared enough about her to wait with her at the hospital, to ensure she was seen and to talk with the doctors and understand the impact of the seizure, etc. Or to get her immediate medical intervention when she could no longer walk, drink and eat by herself.
I really hope this is fake. These people are either dumb as fuck, or insidious.
14
u/Network_Odd Feb 16 '26
Every single one of you except your mother sucks, wtf is this bullshit. You don't know when someone needs medical attention and send stupid texts to your dad? ffs you're 30, grow the fuck up. Seriously, I'm infuriated on your mothers behalf. You, your dad, or your husband can't be trusted with taking care of even plants if this is how you people behave.
47
u/Solosquidly Feb 16 '26
NOR Mistakes happen, unfortunately this was a big one though. You and your partner are in your 30's, it's concerning that you noticed signs of severe distress but didn't think to investigate any of the symptoms. You aren't children, and you can't put all of the blame on your father. Between three grown adults, somone should have realized that there was a serious issue. Dropping your sick mother of at the ER and just leaving her there alone is also a questionable decision.
If your partner had shown these symptoms, would you have taken him to the hospital?
It's understandable to be upset, but there was a severe lack of common sense from everyone involved in this situation, and I hope that you can reflect on that fact that your mother could have died. You all need to work on your critical thinking skills.
13
u/bytes_and_beauty Feb 16 '26
ESH.
This woman is forever fucked up because no one did anything for multiple hours/days. She had impaired motor function, probably inability to communicate given the texts, and much more. I would be absolutely mortified if I learned that the people I trusted the most didn’t do anything about that. As soon as anything is even REMOTELY wrong my bf and I are communicating, figuring out what’s going on, and watching each other like a hawk. It comes across to me like neither you nor your father actually want to help her. I am sure that’s not the case, however your actions say otherwise. My bf would have fought my family bare fisted and carried me 100miles to the closest hospital if he had to; we don’t need PERMISSION being grown adults and do what we believe in when it’s the right thing to do.
As for her requesting to leave the hospital: that was incredibly immature on your mother’s part. Her life is literally on the line and she just can’t wait long enough to be seen. Absolute insanity. I would not have picked her up if her symptoms are as severe as you describe. (But I also probably wouldn’t have left her there alone to begin with).
6
u/Live_Angle4621 Feb 16 '26
Mom’s decision making skills could have been affected by her health. So op should have insisted she stayed
→ More replies (1)
13
u/No-Marionberry-166 Feb 16 '26
You are able to post on Reddit but can’t search symptoms on the internet? You should have taken her to the hospital when you decided to text your dad. Everyone in this story is a failure to your mother.
13
u/kryskryskrys Feb 16 '26
Genuine question, do you like your mom at all, even a little bit? I've done more for strangers I didn't know at all.
→ More replies (2)
12
u/Anxious-King-8546 Feb 16 '26
I feel like everyone in this situation failed your mom. You’re 30 years old not 5, call 911.
58
u/Humble_Artichoke4484 Feb 16 '26
YOR but also every one of you in this scenario, including your mom need a healthy dose of adult responsibility. For crying out loud, you are 30, not 16. Your dad fd up and is passing the buck and your mum has no interest in preserving her own health.
43
u/ShotcallerBilly Feb 16 '26
The mother had a stroke… that’s an incredibly disorienting and debilitating experience. Not really one that leaves you in a clear state of mind to make decisions or advocate for yourself appropriately.
→ More replies (1)16
u/lemonclouds31 Feb 16 '26
As far as the Kratom addiction, I agree. But her mom was confused af and not in her right mind, she wasn't capable of properly advocating for herself while she was mid-medical crisis. But yeah Kratom will mess you up
11
u/Ok_Ant_9815 Feb 16 '26
They teach children in school how to recognize a stroke... I have a hard time believing anyone would see their ill parent going through this and not call an ambulance...
→ More replies (2)
11
u/rockbeatspaper23 Feb 17 '26
How do two fully grown 30 year old adults not realize when someone's having a medical emergency? That is baffling to me. Your texts do not sound like you're alerting your dad of an emergency, they sound like inconvenienced/annoyed complaints. You're the one who saw this emergency in real time, in person, you should not have relied on your dad to tell you whether it was serious or not. And do two 30 year old adults not have a car between them? If you're apprehensive about ambulance costs, idk, DRIVE her yourself???
57
u/MzOpinion8d Feb 16 '26
Please tell me you don’t have any pets or children.
I can’t believe you didn’t get your mom to the hospital.
I’m not surprised that everyone is mad at you. Your fiance and and your dad are also to blame.
78
87
u/Fleece_God Feb 16 '26
First of all, you do need to be more proactive if this happens again. They didn’t say anything about how you acted already.
Second of all, you’re 30 years old. Use your brain, if your mom is acting completely different than normal then she’s having a medical emergency.
→ More replies (4)
28
u/BubbleCrum Feb 16 '26
You are 30 years old, your mom was significantly deteriorating in front of your very eyes, and you kept texting Daddy? Jesus christ. Youre a grown ass adults that needs to learn how to make decisions. You should never have picked her up. You should have taken her back or called an ambulance. You didnt do enough. Everyone sucks here and yeah. youre overreacting to them saying youll need to do more in the future. Everyone will have to do more. Grow up.
9
u/RosieGoldUnicorn Feb 16 '26
ESH unless you and your father are braindead. YOR to being told to be a more proactive responsible adult. how are you somehow mature enough to be engaged but not mature enough to call an ambulance or even admit that you should have?
i strongly urge your family to hire a nurse for your mother's needs for a while, because she's going to need help and literally none of you are mentally equipped to provide it. sorry if i sound harsh but i looked after my mother when i was a lot younger than you and then again when she got cancer, she died when i was thirty, and i can't understand what level of apathetic you have to live on to witness what you witnessed of her and just... shrug it off. the second my mother was acting off we either drove her to hospital or got an ambulance and in zero cases were we overreacting.
maybe you have a family of narcissists but there's no way you and your dad should be playing volleyball with the blame for a mistake you both contributed heavily to.
→ More replies (1)
9
u/Sweatythigs03 Feb 16 '26
you are ALL adults, you, your dad, your partner and you mean to tell me that you let a woman with a known substance issue get progressively worse by the hour and just… let her? someone needs to 1) take better care of her and 2) investigate yall
9
u/emz0rmay Feb 16 '26
It seems like there are issues with your family, but all that aside, I can’t imagine being 30 years old and not understanding that your mom was having ambulance worthy symptoms.
55
u/MishmoshMishmosh Feb 16 '26
Why the hell was she discharged to begin with?
107
u/AZAnon123 Feb 16 '26
Discharged? Doesn’t sound like she was even seen. She got tired of waiting and left.
9
31
u/No_Barracuda8791 Feb 16 '26
If the hospital is busy enough, you can just walk out and they have no idea that you left. So, that might have been the case here.
→ More replies (8)32
18
u/applespeachesbones Feb 16 '26
I’d say NOR bc they should have not yelled at you and cornered you that’s ridiculous. But everyone here was negligent. You are in your 30s and should not have relied on your dad just to watch her bc things were getting worse. You could’ve called the ambulance or researched the cost. Or at your big age picked her up and got her in an uber. I’m so sorry this happened and your parents seem like pieces of work but you are not a child. I’m so sorry I hope your mom is ok
9
u/No_Barracuda8791 Feb 16 '26
You’re not overreacting. He was just as negligent, but he’s putting the full blame on you. That’s disgusting.
But, for future reference, whether it’s you, the parents, a stranger on the street… if they’re having a really hard time balancing, confused, etc… CALL 911.
You can figure out the bills later. A lot of medical emergencies can go bad within minutes. Stop fucking around. All of you.
→ More replies (2)
9
u/BeXsplosion Feb 16 '26
Everyone sucks here: 1. You and your partner are fully grown adults, you should have known her deteriorating condition was hospital worthy. Even if she's coming off of an addictive drug, those side effects are gnarly and needed some help. Coming off certain drugs (especially addictive ones) cold turkey isn't recommended because of such massive impacts. 2. Your dad sounds like a massive arsehole for putting blame on you for not knowing it was a stroke (I probably wouldn't have known, but would have known she needed some sort of medical assistance). Also he's a massive arsehole for taking your mum to the ER and leaving her there BY HERSELF and prioritising work over his life partner. That's a big red flag in my book. Then expecting you to pick up the pieces because his job comes first.
8
u/Braincloud Feb 16 '26
Wow. ESH, and everyone let mom down. I don’t understand how fully grown adults in their 30s, and however old dad is, didn’t stay with mom at the hospital, and then watched her get worse and worse without taking her back in or calling an ambulance. OP, you and your husband need to grow up, take responsibility for your lives, stop being useless in emergency situations, and help your mother. and sounds like dad needs a kick in the butt to be more on hand, more helpful, or get some outside help with mom.
8
u/thevirginswhore Feb 16 '26
Do any of you even really like your mom? Cause this sounds kind of cruel on everyone’s part. NOR but boy i hope any one of you can figure out how to put your shoes on in the morning if this is how emergencies are handled in your household.
23
u/holystuff28 Feb 16 '26
You're obviously not responsible for the cascade of medical events that led to her multiple strokes, but I do think you could have been more proactive at your age. Perhaps you weren't taught to trust your gut or the little voice inside your head, but now is the time you learn you should always. You felt like she needed to go to the hospital, so you should have taken her. I truly wish you and your mom the best and hope you don't suffer from a lifetime of guilt, but we can acknowledge that had you decided to seek emergency care, her prognosis would be better. That sucks. It's something you AND your dad will have to live with. I think YOR and you will need to process this for a long time. I also think you've learned to listen to your instincts. I am hoping for a speedy recovery.
8
u/IGTankCommander Feb 16 '26
How did your mom get let out immediately after this and be well enough to come home and yell at you?
→ More replies (1)
7
u/kaisadilla_ Feb 16 '26
I think all 3 of you fucked up massively. When someone is as ill as your mom was, and you don't know the cause, you stay at ER no matter what. Your dad and you both fucked up by allowing her to leave, and she fucked up by even asking. Both of you fucked up again when you didn't bring her to ER again when she stopped making sense. That pasiveness could've killed your mom, and may have caused permanent brain damage to her. Your dad is totally wrong to call you out when he was as pasive as you were - but this is a serious matter and I don't think you should be thinking about how unfair anyone is being to you; but instead think about what went wrong and understand that, next time, you need to take action, because a situation like this can kill someone otherwise. In contrast, if you ever take action when it's not needed, the worst that can happen is someone calling you an idiot.
I just didn’t know if it was ambulance-worthy or not
btw sorry for the political comment, but America is fucked up.
13
u/Thin_Resolution7595 Feb 16 '26
You all left her alone at the hospital when you dropped her off at the ER? Last paragraph you say “my parents gave me a big speech”….if your mom is well enough to lecture you, why are you worried about brain damage. A lot does not make sense here.
6
u/ScientistJo Feb 16 '26
4 days after having multiple bilateral strokes and an aneurysm, and you being worried she had permanent brain damage, your mum is joining your dad in ranting at you about how you didn't do enough? How is this possible?
11
u/Bibliophilewitch Feb 16 '26
I cannot believe you and your fiance are in your 30s and didn’t know what to do about a woman obviously declining in front of your eyes. This is truly shameful. You KNEW (you literally say it to your dad) that she needs to be in a hospital but then say you didn’t know whether it was bad enough to call an ambulance??? What in the world.
15
u/OmgitsKane Feb 16 '26
This situation sucks and eveyone is stupid. Mom's stupid for having a Kratom addiction Dad's stupid for waiting to take mom to hospital OPs stupid for not calling another ambulance and leaving mother at hospital alone.
OP for future reference if someone is so Ill that they can not walk, grip a cup, or eat on their own when all of those activities can normally be done then its time for an emergency room visit
1.7k
u/LadyMogMog Feb 16 '26
ESH. OP I know you must be feeling awful about this, but you really should have called an ambulance. Never mind the insurance implications, your Mom was clearly experiencing a medical emergency. You are also 30 years old, not 16. You should have made this decision for your Mom. Read back those text messages, she was in real trouble.
Your Dad leaving her until the morning is diabolical. He should have taken her in as soon as he came home.
There’s a lot here that doesn’t make sense also. Like picking her up from the ER instead of making sure she got seen.