Wife has been miserable since finding out she us pregnant again

26

Since you’ve already helped her get booked for therapy next week, maybe spend this week just listening to what she says she needs.

I know that the instinct is to “fix” her right away, but maybe she just needs time to grieve and an ear to listen. What, specifically, is she sad/scared/angry about? Listen without judgement to her answers. Then later, as a separate conversation, offer something to help her related to her answers.

71

u/LucyThought May 02 '26

Consider post partum depression.

Get her some help

13

u/going_now May 02 '26

She is going to therapist next friday, so hopefully that helps. Not sure what she will do until then though.

17

u/Haunting-Respect9039 May 02 '26

She can contact her OB right away if it's an urgent situation or go to the ER if it becomes an emergency (thoughts of self harm or violence). If it doesn't feel like it can wait until Friday, don't wait.

4

u/HomeDepotHotDog May 02 '26

Does she have any mom friends, or a supportive mom or auntie that can be looped in? You’re doing such a great job being a supportive husband, but sometimes moms just need other people that have personally experienced pregnancy and birth

3

u/going_now May 02 '26

Her mom has talked to her a lot but without any effect really. Also her sister spoke with her many times. But she still wakes up every morning terrified.

15

u/KneadAndPreserve May 02 '26

It was hard for me when I found out I was pregnant at 4 months postpartum. I wanted the baby, but it was so daunting and scary to be pregnant again. That was the part that was hard for me, I just wasn’t ready to be pregnant again with my body still recovering and just figuring out how to be a mom of a young baby. I was depressed for probably a week or two before the fog started to lift and I got excited. Now I’m farther along in pregnancy and so excited. Even when you know you want the baby, being pregnant so soon is not easy to cope with initially and requires some coming around. Please, be there for her and don’t take it personally. Don’t take everything she says to heart. She’s processing. I said some stuff I didn’t mean but it was just me having to work through the shock. And don’t make her feel guilty for the way she feels by implying she doesn’t want the baby or doesn’t care. Just be her rock. The physical part is so daunting.

14

u/tianaopal May 02 '26

this was me. (13 m apart) looking back i went into a bit of shock because 1. you are still very postpartum and figuring out this new stage of life. now on top of that there is more emotions and trying to figure out logistically how this will work. 2. your wife is most likely realizing that her time with the first born solo will be very short compared to others. Its a bit of a change from the regular parenting experience when its this close of an age gap. in a way it is a form of grief. — I recommend the third moc book — it comes with a plan for sleeping feeding with both children and gave great relief to feel like i had some type of plan. 3. i was so worried that my first born was going to feel such resentment and voiced this to my pediatrician and he said something that changed my viewpoint forever: “ they will never know life without each other” . This is very true to this day— there are some hard moments but the bond is very strong. Tbh for age gaps 14m and under — i think looking at it more like twin perspectives (even though they are not -) has helped emotionally and physically. Tbh i find myself relating to twin parents a little more for questions and this also helped. I want to say by my second trimester i felt better about the future but the first really took me for shock.

4

u/justfornoworlater May 02 '26

100000% this.

I’m so ready to be done being pregnant & it is such a shock to find out you’re pregnant again so soon after finally being done. It takes such a toll on our mental & physical health it’s hard to fully understand unless you’ve been through it. She could be wanting another child but still struggling with the fact that she’s going through all the struggles with pregnancy again, this time with a small baby to care for. I got pregnant at 9 months the second time & it was so much harder than the first time.

I agree with the people who are saying to just be supportive. Listen & be there for her without trying to fix anything or change her mind. Offer as much support with the baby as possible, especially when she’s feeling sick or tired. Also agree to reach out for help, whether that’s therapy or meds. Keep her fed with good, nutritious foods- her body is still healing from growing & birthing a baby

1

u/tianaopal May 03 '26

agree 100 percent. if you have not been through that shock its very hard to understand. ❤️

4

u/ValMonty May 02 '26

Also agree with this completely. It was such a shock and so destabilizing. We wanted another, we weren’t ‘not’ trying, but it had taken us 3 years with our first so we didn’t think it would be so soon, and I was too freshly postpartum to remember to take the birth control they gave me on time every day. We’re also older, so were given the ok to try again as soon as we wanted. I had to mourn the fact that I didn’t just get to be my sweet boys mom for as long as I had thought. It was honestly really really hard at the start and I was so sad for a bit. And also so effing tired of being pregnant. I still am. We’re due in July, but over time the sadness eased and I started getting more and more excited. It’s a huge adjustment and a really hard period. I found comfort in this sub. Some posts can be bummers, but I took to the positivity you can find and started getting much more excited about how close they’ll be and even though it will be tough, I wont get too comfy in toddler days before diving back into newborn trenches. As everyone’s said, get her help, give her time, love and support. She’ll get to a better place.

1

u/tianaopal May 03 '26

yup exactly the same, took me a long time to get pregnant with first, to be pregnant again that fast was a whirlwind of emotions. i think alot of ppl go to its amazing so now but during that time its really really hard. your going to do amazing if u need any advice feel free to message me!

1

u/Future_Rutabaga3628 May 04 '26

This !! I was in the same boat. So many feelings. Took me until about 25 ish weeks to start to get excited.

8

u/whereverweare May 02 '26

Get her into therapy ASAP. I struggled when I found out I was pregnant with my second and ended up processing with a therapist. It was years of me questioning if it was the right move. My kids are older now (6 and 7) and we are literally the luckiest now. They play together all the time, have similar interests, get put together in events (if they want) and walk into school together. I had a hard time envisioning that it would get better. Going from 1-2 in infinitely easier than 0-1.

1

u/animadeup May 02 '26

and to add on, i honestly think the transition is easier when you’ve just had a baby. that way you’re only going forward (potty training, sleep, feeding) and not restarting.

1

u/whereverweare May 03 '26

Being able to get all the baby crap out of house is so cathartic. All those bouncers and swings....gone!

11

u/StarCurious5791 May 02 '26

You can very much want a second baby - and be emotionally and physically not ready for a second baby - yet. Have you discussed if she really wants THIS pregnancy?

-1

u/going_now May 02 '26

I understand what are you getting to, but yes, we discussed the possibility but she knows this would be an "easy way out" but she would regret it later along the road if we were not able to have another baby. (for the first one we tried for 4 years and were pretty sure it would never happen)

8

u/LahLahLand3691 May 02 '26

There is no “easy way out” of this for women. Having a baby is hard. Having an abortion is hard. Once you guys are on the other side of this, make sure you use reliable birth control going forward. Preventing the pregnancy is the easiest choice.

6

u/lasuperhumana May 02 '26

Omg, please please please, for the sake of the world, adjust your thinking around abortion being “the easy way out.” Are you kidding me???

As someone who had to terminate a pregnancy for medical reasons, I can tell you it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, mentally and physically - and I say that as someone who went through a pregnancy and birth. I’d take the worst of pregnancy and postpartum over another abortion any day.

3

u/lowlandtenakth-21 May 03 '26

I don’t know if you guys already talked about whether or not you want more kids, but consider getting a vasectomy if you guys are done.

Too many men expect BC to be the women’s responsibility and PP it is incredibly easy to get pregnant again.

4

u/simplyalirae May 02 '26

That’s heartbreaking, why didn’t you take precautions to do not do that to her

2

u/Stock_Seaworthiness3 May 02 '26

I got pregnant 11/12weeks pp and I’ll be the first to tell you that hormonal change/crash is INSANE i genuinely hallucinated for almost 2 weeks and was going crazy!! I also had a bad post partum/pregnancy depression swing the first trimester that had my hubby pretty concerned. It should get better, she should seek help tho as soon as possible unfortunately the options aren’t the best but it better then nothing

2

u/No-Bug-3638 May 02 '26

As someone who just had my second Baby 3 weeks ago and now my babies have a 13month age gap it is terrifying, pregnancy was harder on me the second time and I felt like I took away my first babies Mama because of it. My husband is amazing and helped with the house and Baby #1 all throughout but honestly for me that almost made my feelings worse because what do you mean I can’t take care of my baby and my house on my own? And he just kept saying “Everything is going to be fine, you’re an amazing mom you can do this” and I appreciated him saying it but it didn’t make me FEEL better about the situation. Have you asked what she needs you to do or say? That would’ve made all the difference for me. I went to therapist for a while but for me talking to the therapist was okay but the Journal the therapist suggested was a better option because I don’t do great talking to strangers about how I feel. I love my babies so much and I don’t regret either one of them but being pregnant when all I wanted was to focus on my first was ROUGH & I can see where she is coming from.

2

u/Numerous_Barnacle_80 May 03 '26

Currently in the exact same situation as your wife!

3 1/2 months postpartum, found out we’re 5 weeks pregnant a week ago and been feeling really depressed ever since. I’ve struggled so much with it. Grieving that our little baby won’t be just the little baby as long as we thought, overwhelmed by twin prams and two kids in nappies. We also always planned to have multiple children but just never thought it would be this soon. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster. Getting into a therapy session sounds like the best option short term ( I’m also doing the same). As for how you can support, just being there is the best you can do. My partner just took over a bit more this week with baby and house work while I’ve been struggling and just told me he supported me no matter what. It was just what I needed. How she’s feeling is completely natural. It’s like you just find your stride with your baby and then knowing you’ll soon be launching yourself into the newborn trenches again can be daunting.

I made a similar post on here and everyone was so lovely and helpful. They mostly suggested I check with my midwife to ensure pregnancy would definitely be safe as I had c-sec and suggested this page. If you don’t know anyone with a similar age gap in children to you guys maybe even talking to people with twins about what their reality was like with two babies could be helpful?

6

u/CalatheaHoya May 02 '26

I’ll probably get massively downvoted for this but - Does she want to have this baby or is termination an option?

2

u/going_now May 02 '26

We discussed this option too, but she thinks she would regret this later if we haven't get lucky again.

3

u/Smith801 May 02 '26

I cried a lot after founding out I was pregnant again 9 months post partem. Since she is even earlier I will say your hormones aren’t regulated so it makes every emotion feel more heightened. I was in denial up until my son was born and it’s been absolute bliss now that I’ve come out of that post partem slump. Like others mentioned I would have her talk to her OB about it. Also, I went on Lexapro and it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

2

u/Even-Help-3038 May 02 '26

Get her help. It is depressing. I would do whatever she wants to do. She has just barely recovered from childbirth. Back to back pregnancy is brutal. She won’t be able to care for two if she can’t care for herself.

2

u/Kwaliakwa May 02 '26

What you can do is give her more rest, take on more of the load of the baby care. Closely spaced pregnancies take a LOT out of moms. Our bodies struggle when there is not enough time to recover(which takes closer to two years).

1

u/ItemResponsible7236 May 02 '26

Sounds like depression. I was crying non stop when I found out I was pregnant again. The hormones messed with my head. Once I got the medication started I was so much better and could really feel the difference in my mind!

1

u/Grown-Ass-Weeb May 02 '26

This was me three years ago when I was 12 weeks postpartum staring at a positive test. I was sick and miserable for weeks. I contacted an abortion clinic and made plans to travel out of state before I told my husband I was pregnant. Didn’t end up doing that as the feelings faded shortly afterwards. I was 31 and knew I’d be two and done so I kept the pregnancy to “get it over with” as I knew I didn’t want a long gap between (although not this short of a gap either tbh). My hormones were everywhere.

It got better as time went on. I wish I got therapy because that pregnancy was hard. She’s got postpartum hormones and now pregnancy hormones raging together, give her some grace. Let her take the time she needs and listen to her needs and wants and leave her alone if she asks to be left alone.

The feelings got better at around the second trimester for me and I started getting happier again. My girls are now 2.5 and 3.5 and I love them so dearly. They’re such good friends and I love watching them play and laugh together.

1

u/tianaopal May 03 '26 edited May 03 '26

also OP i want you to know: as hard as the shock was it has been wonderful but it did come with some hard moments. preparation was key and life is fun with these two kiddos! if your wife needs someone to reach out too please tell her to message me.

1

u/Shibori-Fawn May 03 '26

I’m taking antidepressants while pregnant with my second. It really helps. My sons will be 11 months apart. I found out I was pregnant my first day getting ready for going back to work at 3AM cause I felt funny. I was devastated. But now I’m fine and I’m gonna give birth a month from now. But back to back pregnancies are hard. And there is a reason it’s strongly advised to avoid.

1

u/Marli4509 29d ago

I felt this exact way when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our second when I was seven months postpartum. It was a mesh of emotions – not feeling ready, anxiety, ashamed, frustrated, guilty for even feeling any of those things. I was just slowly starting to feel like myself again and the thought of having another baby with the 15 month age gap was making me so sad. I was constantly crying, didn’t wanna talk to anyone, and was just an overall mess.

About 3 weeks in, I had to have a heart-to-heart with myself. I didn’t want my baby in the womb to feel unwanted or unloved. I made a decision that day to not let my anxiety pass on to my child.I was so grateful that my husband kept being positive and encouraging. But honestly. I just needed to grieve the plan that I had - i’m glad he gave me the space to do so. It may also help for her to get connected with other moms with a similar age gap. Hearing their reassurance that everything will be OK as time goes on was so helpful for me. It may also help her to express how she feels and feel understood by someone who may have felt the exact same way.

I am now 10 months postpartum since the birth of our second. It has been the sweetest joy, I could not imagine my life without my baby girl. It has genuinely gotten easier every single day. Or maybe I have just grown in capacity. Either way, it gets better. She just needs time.

1

u/CombTechnical1241 28d ago

I was the same way when I found out. Post partum is HARD. She’s allowed to be scared and mourn the time she’ll have to just be mom to your first.

Getting pregnant again right away comes with a lot of fear and GUILT. Just be there for her.

1

u/CombTechnical1241 28d ago

Honestly, my second is 9 months and I’m just now starting to feel like I’m not doomed. 2u2 is extremely difficult.

1

u/iondrive48 May 02 '26

As others have said she should talk to a therapist.

But another idea is for you to completely take care of the baby for a day or weekend and just let her chill out and do nothing or go on a mini trip with her friends or something. When my wife had post partum it was sort of like feeling like her life was going to be forever difficult or something and this sort of mini reset of a weekend with no childcare responsibilities snapped her out of it and got her to realize that like yes we have a kid now and life is forever changed but also your life isn’t ruined, it’s just different. I think one of her friends had a bachelorette or something so she was gone for the weekend.

2

u/going_now May 02 '26

I offered that but her being alone might be even worse than her taking care of baby. All she does when she is alone is googling all the horror stories of people who have this low age gap children. However I debunk whatever she has read, her answer is always "I don't know" and we move to another thing she is scared of. Like she has no arguments to my "positive" facts, so she just ignores it and moves on to next negative thing she read.

2

u/mutinybeer May 02 '26

This is part of a grieving phase. If she needs to feel sad and terrified because her life is going to become exponentially harder - and it 100% will, there's no point lying about it being great- then telling her essentially to be positive is going to feel toxic and anti-helpful.

Two under two is HARD. I often feel like my life has ended and the only things I experience now and probably forever are sleeplessness, screaming children and endless drudgery. There is essential no freedom. The person I was is dead, there's no "getting back to who I was." That's scary, it's emotional, it's not fair, but it's life.

Lean into this scary, overwhelming truth with her. validate that this is going to be a really hard season, and then PLAN FOR IT! Show her you willshoulder the burden evenly. If she staying home with kids, plan how she gets breaks from the kids and house. She can be sad but it will be okay because you're going to be doing it TOGETHER, not because of vague magic-ness that makes everything great.

Maybe get her to make a list of everything she's scared of. My brain can make one thing feel like 15, and when I write it all down it feels a bit better. Then go through the list together and brain storm solutions- hire a cleaner? Once a week babysitter for two hours? Meal prep day on Sundays? You do all baby baths? Sleep in shifts so she's guaranteed time to rest?

1

u/Particular_Rav May 02 '26

Slightly weird suggestion, but can she join this subreddit? It has enough posts to rabbit hole down if she's wanting that, enough negatives that you know people aren't whitewashing, but also many realistic positives. I know that many of us get a lot out of this group

0

u/herptilegalaxy May 03 '26

Then stop trying to argue her fears with facts. I have to assume you love her, so don't argue. She's terrified and telling you she's terrified and all you're giving her is "be happy". Of course it's getting worse, because she's also probably feeling isolated in her fear. Join her, I don't mean get scared with her, but listen to her. Figure out what exactly it is she's worried about, and then make a plan for how YOU are going to support her through it. And sometimes, it's just the guilt of feeling like you've taken something away from either of them... so you sit with her in that and remind her that all anyone can do is their best with what they've got and you tell her how incredible she is and how thankful and lucky you are that your children got her as their mother, because obviously she cares.

My second was born 4 days before his sister's first birthday, so I'm all too familiar with the age gap and all the fears and worries that come with. You can see the positives to it that are coming, and that's great and you absolutely should hold onto that, just not as an argument against your wife's fears. Knowing the good coming ahead is what gets you through the rough points. Right now your wife needs her partner to sit with her, listen, and help ease her worries with a plan or reassurance that she's a great mom and you'll be right there with her when things get hard. Because 2 in that time span is incredibly intense and hard on everybody.

1

u/Just_here2020 May 03 '26

If she’s nursing then the baby is 3 months and she’s nursing every couple hours. Just saying.

1

u/Successful-Search541 May 02 '26

I got pregnant again at 7 months pp. It was intentional, but then when it actually worked I have intermittently had intense anxiety about what this is going to look like. Just be there for her. It’s good therapy is on the table. When baby comes, step up. Help as much as you can. She will need it. Don’t make her ask for help. Look for where you can help and just do it. Even while she’s pregnant. Yours is still so little. Towards the end of pregnancy, as your current little one gets mobile, your wife is going to need you to be interactive. I’m now almost 29 weeks with a 15 month old, and it is EXHAUSTING. He wants to be held all the time, and it’s not always easy/comfortable. Recognize what you’re in for. Help. It’s going to be hard… and then it will be great. Good luck.

1

u/Just_here2020 May 03 '26

We have 3 kids, all within 24 months of each other. That was fine. But within a year? I would have been devastated to realize I would be too pregnant to enjoy holding up our 1st child learning to walk, cut breastfeeding short, unable to hold 1st child in my lap, not enjoy our 1st child’s walking and talking as much as possible. Plus the additional health risks of pregnancies so close together. And just feeling awful while caring for the 1st child. she might be recalling how awful pregnancy and childbirth and recovery is. It would be realistically devastating for a lot of people.

It probably seems like nothing to you because little changes for you, but she is losing a lot of moments with the first and hasn’t forgotten how awful pregnancy is.

Cue: people claiming that won’t be the case but it happens even with 24 months apart.

0

u/kittywyeth May 03 '26

this is so sad. if i were in your shoes i’d likely do whatever is necessary to permanently avoid any future pregnancies. children deserve to be born into families that want them.

0

u/going_now May 02 '26

what is a "third moc book"?

2

u/tianaopal May 02 '26

moms on call- they have 3 books the third has a toddler and baby portion. It does not need to be followed to a T but it was nice to see a plan for the future and it helped align naps and feeding for us

-8

u/dooombuggy May 02 '26

"Your baby needs you. I need you."

Perhaps make her something special, like here favorite breakfast to cheer here up. Sorry, that sucks.

3

u/hungry-truck May 02 '26

As someone who has been in this position too, I wouldn't have found this helpful to hear.

Just before I found out I was pregnant at 7 months pp, I felt like I was finally feeling closer to myself again and getting a bit of my identity back, but becoming pregnant completely derailed that. Your wife is probably already feeling the weight of her current responsibilities and now feels even more on top of that coming her way. She will know she's about to go through pregnancy, birth and the newborn stage all over again. She needs time to process that. Instead of you needing her, she needs you.

-1

u/going_now May 02 '26

Tried both of these, with no effect. Cheers her up at the moment, but she is back to crying after a while. Thanks for advice though.

2

u/FreshForged May 02 '26

I'm not sure if both of these means cooking a special meal and telling her she's needed, or if you think you've given her space to process... If so, respectfully no you haven't. This is new information and time and space to process isn't a matter of hours or days.

It was very clear to me newly postpartum that I was needed, that was the daunting part. There was no room for me to fall apart or fall short, even though I was emotionally and physically past my limit. I had a huge crying jag a few days after birth and a lot of it was about if I can't do this, now my child's well being is at stake. Two under two is so daunting, she's going to need a lot of support, understanding and strength from you.

I did end up seeing a perinatal psychiatrist and getting medicated for anxiety a couple months after my first. It wasn't a silver bullet but it did help.

Try to take her concerns seriously and not minimize them by saying everything will definitely be ok. No one can guarantee that, I needed to go through a dark period to come out the other side. This is the time to splurge on help if you can. Doulas are sometimes covered through insurance, and mine was very helpful postpartum getting things together and getting my head on straight.

Advice Wanted Wife has been miserable since finding out she us pregnant again

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