I understand that I appear to be seeking validation from others, and I'm struggling to break free from this pattern. When I reflect on times I've behaved in ways that might be perceived as narcissistic, I recall instances where I was simply defending myself, standing up for my principles, and in many cases, I took on significant burdens to protect the team and make their work easier.

Are there any narcissists in here on GLP1s? Have you noticed a difference in your mental state or narcissistic tendencies/behaviors?

Curious to see if there’s any anecdotal evidence of a potential treatment. I am not a narcissist, but I have other mental conditions (OCD/Misophobia) which GLP1 helped with.

Honestly I never thought about this possibility until I took some online quizzes for fun and I constantly scored high on narcissism. I know those tests are not reliable but that pattern was visible so I wanted to look deeper on it. Also this will be a veeery long rant because I have a lot to tell haha.

Ever since childhood I have looked down on other kids and the way they behaved immaturely straight up disgusted me. I constantly tried proving how superior I am to people I looked up to for absolutely no reason. As I grew up, I still feel superior but I do not put any extra effort to prove it to people anymore.

I do not like showing my emotions even to the people I am the closest with. It makes me feel too vulnurable and weak. Although this might just be because I was neglected as a kid haha. I don't like telling this in here either but I feel like I have to because this is bothering my mind a lot.

Other than that, I do feel empathy. But it is only cognitive empathy. Someones emotional state has never affected me much. Although I have to mention that I feel uncomfortable and annoyed when someone is crying in front of me, if that counts as some other form of empathy.

I have never told this to anyone before but ever since my childhood, I have lived in a fantasy world where I am rich, famous, successful and loved by everyone. I am almost completely out of touch with this reality. Every hour I am awake, I dream of it as if its real, as if it's the reality. I can not ımagine myself dying as an ordinary person at all. The thought of it sparks great anxiety within me. I need people to talk about me even after I'm dead. If I won't live the life I deserve, what's the point of anything at all?

For relationships, I think I have only been controlling in my first relationship. I am not sure, although I think she was the one manipulating me. But after that specific relationship I cried 3 years over, I don't care what my partner does much anymore. I mean in my current relationship, I don't think I really care what she does. If she cheats, she cheats. I'll just leave. I mean me and her never even argued. She said we did but I don't remember an argument. I should stop talking about this too much.

Something else is that I am really impressed with how I look. I mean I am not sure if its because of narcissism because I am sorry but I must admit I really look good hahaha. I often stare at myself in the mirror for hours just to admire myself. I look at my own pics when I'm bored because I like what I see. I also get a lot of compliments from random people so yayyy (although no one confessed to me before). When people compliment me I say "keep going" but its a joke. I mean yeah I love praise but me saying that is satiric. Still I felt the need to mention it.

Also I am very VERY sensitive to criticism but if people give them when I ask them to (especially in my drawings) I thank them and work on it.

Anyway, I don't think I'm a manipulative person in general. I can't name a single time I manipulated someone. I am also able to value other people's points. When someone blames me for something I clearly am wrong for, I'll give them credit for it. Because yeah, I admit I'm in the wrong, there's no point in arguing about it (especially if its so obvious I can't shift the blame on anyone or anything) .

I mean I don't know what more to tell. I'm probably not narcissistic. I think I have more of a high ego instead, Should I work on it? yes. Would I work on it? no. I hate writing this rant sm because I feel like an edgy kid but I'm an adult which is quite ironic. Maybe I am on the autism spectrum or something instead. But I geniunely need to know and get some reflection from people who are diagnosed. Also I took this test many people reccomended! :)

I couldn't do the codependency one, the website didn't load for me. Will I be able to post with the “am I a narcissist” flair?

Long story short i've gone to nearly 8 therapists, all of them experienced countertransference, i can’t help but to register what makes me successful in positively interactions, because of this many of my issues and eventual diagnoses went under the radar. With many it was kindness, with others i was somewhat “funny” However my current doctor was the one to diagnose me with narcissism, i’ve also let him know about this issue i tend to have with therapists since i didn’t want it to happen again. Everything went great until a month later or so, everything i seemed to do or say seemed to humor him, many sessions consisted of laughter and casual conversation. To this day he now casually talks about every quality that i have, it takes minutes during nearly every session. I even talk about my superiority thoughts so shouldn’t he counterattack them?

Ive talked to friends about their psychiatrist experiences and they all describe it as “talking to a wall” I guessed that was the norm.
I also know someone who also attends my current doctor but they claim to not remotely experience what i have.

With this i want to know, is it normal? Wouldnt it make more sense if this was intentionally avoided by the professional? Or does he think i’m so insecure that i NEED reassurance?

Hi,

I’m (28 nb) not diagnosed but i highly suspect I have NPD after experience and online tests. I’ve been to therapy a bit a few years ago, and I’m currently talking to my doctor about getting help, but it’s taking a while and it’s urgent.

I’m currently living with my gf and we have lived together for about 2 months. My issues are becoming more and more prominent for each day. I don’t «want» to hurt her. I want to make her feel loved. I want to change. But I feel like I can’t. I keep insulting her, gaslighting her and manipulating her and it’s a knee jerk reaction to do those things. I want to be able to stop myself before I do those things. I can recognize the behaviors right after they happen, but then it’s too late. And I’ve been too late too many times and I want to change so bad.

I feel like these actions don’t represent the person I want to be. And I’m not always like this. But I still am like this a lot. I want to be able to recognize what I’m about to do before I do them but I don’t know how. I want my love for her to overshadow my need for control and the need to make myself feel better about myself. I want to look at her and only admire her and not look for things to pick at her for.

I just don’t know how. Do you have any resources to help me? Anything at all?

I'm 26 years old, new here, and despite my therapist's unwillingness to bring up any diagnostic labels, I've come to realize that I have many narcissistic tendencies, some of them quite strong as far as I can tell.

The one that probably affects me most is the absolute soul crushing devastation I feel, when people are better than me in things that I want to be good at.

I can't deal with others being praised for, popular or even just "not bad", when it's something I consider important and put a lot of effort into.

For context, I'm passionate about writing, storytelling in particular. It's honestly something I draw my will to live from. I imagine I'm very good at it, I can't have it any other way. It makes me feel good about myself, and I work really hard on it to be the best, even if it's just in my own imagination. But when something or someone draws me away from that 'truth', I genuinely feel like the whole world turns against me. It feels like the only value I have is being taken from me.

For example, I can't be in the vicinity while my bf's watching a show I don't like. It makes me nauseous. I have to escape so I don't accidentally let out the rage that's inside, and often something mean does slip out. It's also hard for me to watch shows or films unless they are very well made, and have "deserved" the praise in my own particular opinion.

When it comes to writing, ever since I started 3 years ago, I can't read the work of others, especially published or popular authors, because I'm scared it will launch me into deep depression. Even just drafts looking for feedback here on reddit... When I see something good, I get these intense moments of anger, hate and depression. First I want to hurt the other, and then myself. Losing the motivation to write means losing motivation all together. I can't function. I want to improve and learn from others, but the feeling I get is absolutely horrific.

On the flipside, I'm absolutely terrified to show any of my work to anyone, and even writing this has given me a huge amount of anxiety. That's why I have to add, that this post does not represent my 'best writing', alright? I didn't even try, so don't come for me! I'm used to getting my safety and praise from some inner world, and this is the first time I'm posting anything ever.

I really wish I could show my hard work to others, but I know I'm just not capable of that, at least right now. My therapist approaches this with "You do it for your own enjoyment, so why does it matter what others think?" But I find this idea honestly hard to even grasp. Truthfully, what others think is everything. It is the enjoyment.

I guess what I'm looking for, is any advice on how to deal with those feelings, in those moments. In general too. Any techniques, mantras..? Has anyone else battled with something like this?

A part of me wants me to justify myself and say “oh well not all the time” but that won’t help.

A couple of days ago a friend of mine invited me to make an early activity together, I had to spend money on something i wasn't looking forward to and today i woke up (way earlier than i usually do) with immense anger, i cannot explain this anger, it’s not my friend’s fault that they simply wanted to do something fun with me but i hated knowing that i changed my day and morning routine for someone else, i hated even more that it would go unnoticed and i couldn’t even conduct this feeling to anyone or anything in particular. It also concerns me this way of thinking i had since it was not a big sacrifice, but knowing that it was made for somebody else entirely, ruined my mood. Felt as if i was “submitting“ myself just to humor someone else made me which made me feel undignified as if it should always and only be the other way around.

Can this be changed? Has this ever happened to anyone else? How often?

Ok, now that I have your attention, I need to comment on what i am about to talk to you about, when it comes to myself.

(I am writing and talking as unfiltered as I can make myself for simplicity, lack of confusion, so you can form a thought on what's really happening in my head, in my opinion.)

Hi! Call me L, when referring to me, thank you- I re-realized that I was trans about two weeks ago, I'm 18, turning 19 in August. There is a long story and timeline of all that, but I will try to cover the main points to lead into why my being trans is connected to the reliziaison of my narcissism.

I had always felt wrong hanging out with girls; I felt odd hanging out with boys as a female-presenting person. Wanted to go by Alex at the age of 10 without knowing what trans was, etc. I realized why I didn't like looking at my face and body when I was about 13-14. I saw button-ups on the rack and wanted to try them on, but I hated how they looked on me. (I knew it was my body, but I didn't really know why) I cut my hair short and felt like I was looking at myself. Got really scared because I realized how much harder my life would be as a man AAND trans person. Sobbed for myself and went back into the closet.

I realized how unhappy I am with life and how I'm going nowhere about two weeks ago. Instead of avoiding it, face how much I hate my body, life, who I am, because I'm not living as me, and I never have. It's been a performance the whole time. (or a long time)

I only shower if it's been over 4 to 7 days or going to an event. I don't brush my teeth because I don't smile with them often anyway. My room has always been a mess. I don't care unless someone I think I care about at that time in my life will see it. I have been maladaptive daydreaming since 10. I have just been myself over the past two weeks.

- - -

I don't like people; I like will exaggerate my political views to fit in with people, to send a signal. Mimic them in some ways while trying not to make it pop so much in contrast with who I am, that's it's like two mes they can talk to. I'm not genuinely interested in what people have to say; I am so they can talk about themselves, get the dopamine I would when I talk about myself, use the info to learn about them enough to seem interested and like them as a person, so we talk and give me attention as a person. But other than that, if I could do whatever I wanted without being caught, conscience, or social backlash. I would do whatever I wanted to.

The only reason a good chunk of people I have met think I'm an empathic person is that I developed a mindset early that has saved my ass: => seeing them as a part of myself, remembering when no one cared for the younger me. So when I confront them its like in the back of my head I'm comforting them(myself), but instead of it being my issues, I imagine myself with their issues and talk to them with that empathy.

I just see the whole human race as a bunch of mes, all from different timelines and experiences (but I'm the better one fr, no matter what. We both know that.) But now that I'm trying to "act like myself," a boy, I tried to open myself up to being myself with others. I don't want to talk to people. Today, my friend tried to tell me about how he missed his ex. Normally, normaly to get myself to talk empathedicly i would imagine how I feel about my ex, then listen to his words like he's just another me with a different life experience, and talk to him from his point of view/emotions on the topic of the girl. (whatever)

But my mind checked out, I just didn't care, and didn't say much. Because this has nothing to do with me, I don't care that something I said reminded him of his ex. I just wanted to get out of the rain and be in his house, 10 min waiting for it to pass. Don't even remember what I said.

I want to go straight to my room when I get home because I realize I don't TRULY care. I'm just really a main character who has been covertly acting like a side character my whole life, foning to people to get empathy and attention.

Sorry for the rant, I don't want you to get bored. Let me wrap it up, I could give more examples if I let myself think about it, but what do I want from you, reader (thank you for reading, btw)

How do I talk to people without my fake filter now that it's gone? Is there a movie, book, or post advice for soeopths or covets to help me fit in? The stigma for this is worse than being trans, but idk i just need a way to become highly functioning. I know it's all up to me, and trust me, if I get to live as myself, a man who will help so much!! But how do I take my real traits as armor for myself and my goals, not crutches?

- - - TLDR:

From Yong, I knew something was wrong (gender). I knew something was wrong with me socially, felt like a fake, but also so vulnerable if anyone ever knew I was faking, no knowledge of what or why I felt that way. Came out (trans) 13-14, realizing most people would hate me more than they already do. go back in the closet until I'm now 18 19 in August, realize I am a guy frfr. realized how fake i am and how much i hate people its not just gender I'm faking for people at this point, and never as been.

Now the mask is kind of broken, (low key want to see how bad i can be while still being able to get confert, social love out of people in my life in short)
I need to become high funksioning, ASPD/ covert NARK.

Any advice on literature, books, films, your story, others' stories, or any media you think can help me or helped you become a better functioning person is welcome in the comments below.

(thank you for taking your time to read. <3)

tl;dr at the end.

After spending a lot of time looking into my past and reading about narcissism and covert narcissism online, I (28M) think that I'm probably a covert/vulnerable narcissist. It's been about 2 months since then and I'm still in my first "aware" collapse. I've had narcissistic injuries before, but I didn't know what it was at the time. After the first month, I told my best friend that I'm a covert/vulnerable narcissist. Now I find it extremely draining talking to family and close friends that I want to avoid them but I don't. I've also become very paranoid and overthink everything they say or can't even think of anything to say when I'm with them because I can barely put my mask on. I think I'm in hard denial because I keep trying to see whether there could be another possibility and that I'm not actually a covert narcissist.

I don't know anymore. I feel like trying to get a diagnosis is another way of avoiding accountability or just a way for me to get something I want without the intent to heal. Another thing I'm scared about is that whoever does the assessment won't be able to tell. I've been seeing a psychotherapist but she doesn't think I'm a covert narcissist and I don't know anymore.

I'm just very exhausted, scared, and confused.

tl;dr: Self diagnosed covert/vulnerable narcissist, don't know if getting a diagnosis is to actually help me try to heal or just a way to avoid taking accountability and keep masking. Is it actually hopeless?

I (27F) don’t even know how or where to start. I studied a little psychology in university and we dived into narcissism. This helped me understand my parents better. I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist but my parents have many narcissistic traits. You can imagine how hard it was growing up with them. I am also the first born so I was the project kid. The trial and error child. I tried my best, excelling in school. Once I got to university, I became introverted and kept to myself a lot. I didn’t/don’t have many friends.

I have been married for the past 4 years, being with my husband for 7 years and knowing him since high school. We have an infant. I was in a seriously toxic relationship before my husband so that toxicity lingered in my relationship with my husband. When we’d fight, I would say hurtful things to him without realising what it would do to him. He once told me that I’m like my parents - a narcissist - and this made me feel terrible and made me ask a lot of questions about myself.

Fast forward, a few days ago, I was researching covert narcissism and I feel like I check all the boxes and this worried me. Maybe my husband was right. How do I get better? What do I do?

I'll start off by saying I am not diagnosed by a therapist, but I strongly believe I have covert narcissism or at the very least some form of OCD.

From a young age, i was a peculiar kid, i was shy and introverted but at the same time I'd try to get attention, doing a lot of stupid (but minor) things. I cannot recall ever saying "I love you" to my parents and even as a little kid, I cared more about toys and I tried desperately to impress the cool kids and be accepted. I'd annoy my parents until I got what I wanted then I'd be in my own little world.

As you might imagine, I don't have many friends, subconsciously I understood that something is weird with me but I put my money on social awkwardness.

I've been talking to a girl recently, and she was brutally open from the start, for some reason I felt safe telling her many things, and we juggled with ideas so much that I ended up connecting the dots.

She mentioned something about seeing that I have some expressions that I half do, like they are not really genuine. She was right, I was doing them manually, sort of what I understood as the "right thing to do".

I dug deeper, and realized that at the base of my every action, I'm looking for validation in everything I do, everything is about myself. I do have cognitive empathy, but I realized that emotionally I don't have it at all. When I do not get validation from someone or something, I revert back in my mind and play a fantasy that works for me.

This has been killing me, I couldn't sleep last night at all and my stomach is killing me, I feel empty and I feel like I cannot even trust my actions, hell, even posting here is a narcissistic action.

The thing is, I also get obsessed by bad news or the idea that something can go wrong. I am pretty hypochondriac and anxious to begin with and certain thoughts stick to me like glue (which can still point to Narcissism as it is about me as always). I wanted to get some opinions from people with OCD that have struggled with something similar too, is there a particular difference between them?

Results of tests in sticky:

NPI - 0.31 HNS - 38 OCD - Moderate to High

I know something’s wrong with me.. I just don’t know what. I suspect I may be a narcissist. I’ll list all the traits I think make me a narcissist.

1. I’m deeply jealous of people who are skilled at making small talk, socializing and relating well with others. It seems to come so easily to some people.
2. I violate people’s boundaries by going through their belongings. It’s like an impulsive urge and I do it out of curiosity. I do it less now that I’m older
3. I struggle with empathizing with men. For a long time, I didn’t think adult men had feelings
4. I struggle to communicate my boundaries as an adult and become resentful when they’re crossed. This is strange because I was really good at setting boundaries when I was younger and was called selfish because of it
5. I hold lifelong grudges
6. My idea of humility is not showing off my talents and abilities because people might think that I’m a “show off” while simultaneously desiring to be seen and praised for it. I only sing in my room because of this.
7. Sensitive to rejection. I withdraw socially if I think people dislike me. Struggle initiating friendships because I might get rejected.
8. I can’t make up my mind about anything or anyone and really don’t have a sense of self either

9. Socializing feels like a performance. I noticed that I mask a lot - I’m overly nice, I put on a big fake smile that my face hurts, I go out of my way to be helpful because that’s what people are supposed to do.

10. I give the silent treatment to people I’m in a low stakes relationship with during conflict (coworkers, roommates, classmates etc)

Update: I scored low on the narcissism scale (1) but high on hypersensitive narcissism scale (44)

So recently, after rethinking about life a bit, I'm starting to thjnk that I have some type of NPD, I haven't researched about the disorder in details yet, so I don't know which NPD disorder specifically

My parents and extended family has always talked about how I seem to have little empathy for others, not 'like not feeling sorry for people who got hurt' type of no empathy, but the type that doesn't care about how someone might be hurt because of my emotional outlash

I don't think I help out with the chores much unless my parents asked me to, I neveer really considered helping them despite knowing that doing chores are exhausting

I do think I'm morally superior compared to my classmates, which to be fair, they're a bunch of racists and homophobes

A more recent incident, a friend that is mentally unstable, threw a chair at a classmate because he was too loud, she was given 6 demerits(demerits are a big deal in my country), so obviously she was sad about it, and she was telling me to stop her from doing that the next time she crashes out, but the thing is, I can't bring myself to pity her even a bit, I kept thinking that she deserves that, I can't bring myself to comfort her at all

Also when I'm talking with my few friends, when they switched the topic of a conversation when I was talking about it, I was livid, idk if I'm sad that they don't want to talk about that topic or I just want to talk in a topic I'm interested in

Three things to mention is that, 1, I lack any desire to manipulate other, 2, don't think I deserve to be amiared, 3,I have no problem empathizing with people who are terminally ill/ were hurt visibly bad, but when it's people I'm close to, I can't feel bad at all

I know perfectionism is impossible, but I can't help but want to be perfect, I constantly get jealous at my friend who is way more talented than me, e.g. she is really good at art, I stuck at it, I hate looking at her drawings, she's good at playing the pipa, I'm regretting that I gave up on the piano, and hated the fact that I stuck at playing the guitar, when I was finally semi-confident in myself for being decent at playing a rhythm game, my friend broke a record that I was unable to break beforehand, I don't want her to touch my account again

I unsure if these points alone is enough to determine if I have NPD, but I would like to see how likely I might have it, since my social life is admittedly horrible, anf it is affecting my other relationships

Also, is there any other ways to treat NPD besides therapy, I can't go to therapy for certain reasons

Sorry that it is long and weirdly organized

I'm nice, I've noticed people like my sweet voice and nice girl persona. But other than that I can't keep people interested in me because I'm nice.

I tried being pretty and nice, and sure, people want to approach me, but after some time I become boring because I'm "nice".

I've tried being interesting by partying a lot, but now I just have friends when they're drunk.

I don't care about them, but I still want them around. Being smart doesn't increase my status either. What am I doing wrong?

Oh also I hate complimenting others because they never compliment back. I'm Attention hungry, need constant validation but I mask my needs pretty well.

Hi everyone, this is my first post on Reddit.

Background: I don’t know exactly when it started, but I think I’ve been an extremely manipulative child since I was little; I had no trouble lying or using manipulation to get what I wanted. For example, as a kid (in second grade), I sold Chinese knockoff Bakugan under the guise of originals, swindled money from gullible classmates, bought more knockoffs, and so on. I could also beat someone if I was offended or lie to my friends about all sorts of things without a second thought, just so they would see me as some kind of “better” person. Although, looking back on that time, I think I REALLY DID have empathy, and I wasn’t as cruel and heartless as I am now.

Now, however, I manipulate all of my friends and acquaintances. I only give them the information I deem necessary; I can lie to their faces about not knowing something, and so on. I’m generally cold toward everyone, feeling no real empathy or sympathy for them; I mostly use them and spend time with them when I’m bored. By default, I despise and feel repulsed by ordinary strangers. I don’t feel any pangs of conscience about this; I enjoy controlling people and making them submit to me. I can “minorly” break the law (e.g., petty theft at the grocery store, cheating the system that tracks daily work hours etc.) without feeling any shame, only the satisfaction of success. That said, I’m not manipulative 24/7; I can hold a conversation quite normally and openly if the topic or the person interests me.

It’s just as if I don’t feel any real, close connection even with people close to me; sometimes I just find it fun to spend time with them, but that’s all. Sometimes I feel a kind of shame (???) for them if they don’t behave the way I’d like them to; I just start feeling like I’m hanging out with idiots.

I’m also a sadist in my own way; I enjoy inflicting emotional pain, sometimes even on my own friends, through manipulation, gaslighting, and so on. I also satisfy my need for physical harm by going to the gym and practicing Thai boxing. Sometimes I like to watch people die or suffer; I like the aesthetics of blood (splatters, cuts, neat streaks; just guts spilling out doesn’t arouse me or interest me at all). I also have fantasies about harming people; I might smoke some weed and fantasize about punishing someone. SURPRISINGLY, I love animals and have a positive attitude toward them; I’ve never had any fantasies or intentions of harming any animals, except in self-defense.

Now I’m 25 years old and have been seeing my first psychotherapist since February of this year. I went on my own initiative because, at times, I got tired of being unproductive and/or losing interest in things faster than I could achieve any personally satisfying success with them.

My psychotherapist tells me I’m a malignant narcissist, but at times I don’t fully understand who I am myself. During certain periods, I truly understand/know that I’m a narcissist and I stroke my ego, thereby satisfying my need for admiration. But at other times, all my emotions seem to evaporate, and I really act like a psychopath. I even lose the need to feed my ego; I just do what I think needs to be done without overthinking anything.

Sometimes a period lasting several months can be replaced by another that lasts about a month, and vice versa, until I force myself to get completely drunk or take something (not on a regular basis, one time in a 2-4 months) to feel at least something (I need an emotional release), after which I experience at least some feelings for a while, and then the cycle repeats.

Because of these fluctuations and during periods of “emotional plateau” I very often lose interest in things and various activities, which drives me into a negative spiral because it hinders my progress toward achieving my goals.

I’ve read a lot about narcissism and psychopathy, and I’m confused. In general, I suffer from a kind of universal boredom, as if something is missing in this world. The point is that I do sometimes experience something like shame or self-doubt in certain situations (not often, but it happens), and I can still, at times, “turn on” real (not cognitive) empathy at will (though it will still be somehow muted compared to normal people, I think) when I really want to “feel empathy.” I also do want some kind of sincere love, but I want sincere love from someone with an unhealthy body image (I like manipulative sadists with angelic faces just like me). Also I don’t always have that “chase” for ego that’s typical of ordinary narcissism. Sometimes I might not care at all what anyone says or thinks about me, and sometimes I can still be “hurt” in some way (though more likely I’ll just be disappointed in that person).

It’s worth noting that I realize I can hurt people in some situations; I just don’t seem to attach much importance to it, although in some cases it can still trigger a reaction in me that makes me manipulate others less and behave more “appropriately” toward them. That is, there are moments when I really do feel like a total bastard, which make me tone down my “bastardness” a bit—not because it becomes unbearable that I’ve hurt someone, but simply because I don’t want to descend into total chaos and become a complete monster. I’m pretty well-rounded—I have a job, some hobbies, my IQ (131) doesn’t fall into the “psychopathic” range, I’m not impulsive, I like to think things through in advance with possible outcomes and so on—but I just don’t understand how to figure out who I really am and how can I best get along with the demons in my head?

So I wanted to know, in your opinion, how far can a maligant narcissist be from a psychopath, and how can someone like me manage life without being so procrastinated?

I think I am narcissist. I pretty much know without the diagnosis. Lies and betrayal. Admiration seeking. Low empathy. And when some of this came out I still lied to my husband for years. Now that everything is out I still lie or go around things he already knows. I know it’s a decision but it feels like automatic. I am so convinced the next conversation I’ll be calm and be better but never are. I am not only doing this to my family but screwing myself. There is no reason for it it’s all out there. It’s like just be different. If you want to change you will. Why doesn’t it feel that way. I am probably being a narcissist even posting this. Anyone else come out the other side and made a change and any advice ?

I'm Narcissist

I feel as though I have masked how I truly feel for so long, to the point I have lost all reality of myself. I have no concept of who I am beyond the character I play in front of others. I am very performative, I always have been, this is a direct result of my narcissism and always needing attention. I crave attention so deeply, especially positive attention. And I would not consider myself a good person, so the only way for me to achieve somewhat positive attention is by completely masking and faking who I am.

This has started to affect my relationships and friendships. At this point I don’t even care about my friends as people and I don’t feel like I truly love my girlfriend. I mask so well to the point that they believe I care for them, when I, deep down, do not.

I enjoy my girlfriend’s presence because I know she’ll always affirm my needs for attention. And, if I have a partner or friend who can’t do that, I will find some kind of reason to drop them, because that is how fragile my ego is.

I need to know, if these many factors point towards me being a narcissist, because they're certainly and without doubt , narcissistic traits/tendencies.

Ive come to the realization that i have a victim complex, a sense of automatic entitlement, and my 12 year porn addiction (starting at 13) has given me a massive unconscious sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. I, of course, want to get better -- im working the 12 steps of recovery of my addiction, im in therapy, but if i know that my many behaviors justifying (primarily mental and emotional) abuse , stem from something i can adress concretely. That will make my battles much easier.

What does a narcissist look like, in this entire context? What contstitutes the personality disorder, exactly? Ive heard it said often that a narcissist doesnt question whether they're a narcissist, but, well. Ive been this way for a long, long time. And even now find it a hard possibility to believe in... I struggle with inherent narritive manipulation, before i even realize i do it.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

For most of my life, I have built my concept of meaning based on my competency. I convinced myself that if I was valuable enough, I just stood out enough, that others would pay attention to me and not leave me alone. I was and am still scared of being alone.

When I grew up and went through highschool/college, I realized that no matter what I do, no matter how much I try, I will never be the best at something. I will never be that special person who can overcome any challenge because of my uniqueness. Even if I convince myself that I am still special or hold this unique ability to express myself, deep down I know it's not true.

So now I am here, trying to find value in myself for no other reason than because I am here. Not judging myself based on how smart I am, or how competent I am at something, or even how many people pay attention to me, because part of me knows that will never fill the void.

Does anyone else struggle with this? And if so, how do you deal with these feelings?

I think I might be a narcissist and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. I am extremely insecure and I feel like every single thing I do and say, down to the smallest things are because of my insecurity. I made some big mistakes with my friends in the past few months and since then I have lost all sense of self or care for anything.

I am really worried that over the past 2 years I have been manipulating my best friend/ex and trapping them in our friendship. I get extremely emotional and upset when they do things without me or when they don't give me attention. I am always there for him and helping however I can but I am in such a bad mood and I don't hide it, and I regularly choose to be in those bad moods. There is a part of me that wants them to feel bad and guilty, and to be worried about me. I feel like I have inserted myself into every part of their life to the point they can't do anything without me or without thinking about me. I make them feel bad, when they make jokes I get upset even if it is playful banter and I always take things too far.

I do things I don't want to do for them and get bitter and frustrated with them even though I can make my own decisions.

Ever since I realized how I have been, maybe a year or so ago, I have felt really awful about myself and lost interest in just about everything, but instead of being better all of these issues have just gotten worse. Every time I want to apologize I don't, and when I do I do it disingenuously or push the blame on something else.

The other night I sobbed in the living room, trapping my roommates in one bedroom while they were hanging out without me, something they planned and I was aware of, and said I was okay with. I wasn't really okay with it, but what they were doing is something I knew I shouldn't be a part of and didn't belong in. They were taking lingerie photos of eachother, I am the only male born person in our friend group. I just started to transition to female but i am only a month and a half in, very much a man in a lot of ways. I also understand I don't have the same kind of friendship they do. It's just not an activity I can join in. Even though I understand all of that and can see it is reasonable, it makes me feel sick to my stomach that I can't be a part of that and that they left me while we were hanging out to go do it.

I have been freaking out since then because I understand how I felt is selfish and weird, and that they should have been able to do that and not upset me. I don't have anyone else to spend time with and I hate being alone so I sat in the living room and eventually started to sob. Loudly and for a long time. It was very attention seeking, and when they tried to comfort me I told them I wanted to be alone, and stayed in the fucking living room. I did not want to be alone, but I knew what I was doing was weird and wrong and so I didn't let them help because I felt guilty and stupid, and because part of me wanted them to feel bad. I don't know what to say at this point. Things bave been weird in our household. I don't know how to make things right without blaming it on bpd or me not feeling like a girl. I want to say sorry genuinely because I am.

Generally I feel very pathetic and worthless. I haven't been putting in any effort at work, and outside of work I do nothing but smoke and play video games when I am not with my friends.i hate myself for all of it. I recognize that I need to spend time alone and get okay with it, I need to speak to my therapist more openly about things. I have had multiple therapists and never been able to bring up my actual issues or worried because I am afraid they will make me look bad. I always bring up what is out of my hands or downplay my wrongdoings. I freeze when it is time to talk to anyone about things because I know a lot of my issues are due to the things I have done. The more I realize this the worse I have gotten. I feel like I am spiraling. I even think about suicide and when i think about how they would feel I don't mind making them feel bad. Part of me even likes the idea that I would do something so devastating and affect them so much, which is a disgusting thought and I understand that.

EDIT: addition

I feel like my friends are plotting against me when I am away. It feels like immediately when I am gone that they hate me and are planning on leaving me and talking shit. I know this can't be true entirely and is self centered and weird. It is such a strong feeling that I spiral and panic and say whatever I can to make them stay. It usually makes things worse because I am not reaching out for help I am trapping them. My best friend has told me how draining this is and that I need to find better ways to get support. It's like I am intentionally making them hate me so I can justify the ways I feel. I know I can stop but I don't know how I can repair or apologize.