Hi, everyone. I was recently thrown in quite of an uncomfortable situation and I’d like some help to elucidate my doubts. Thank you so much in advance, I know it’s long…

Summing things up: I (26F) met G (34F) at a destination wedding, we hit it off and hooked up. Once I came back home, I kept talking very casually with G but I had no further plans because I don’t do long distance. After a week she started talking about coming to visit (because of a specific show) and I thought it would be fun to have her here, so I said I’d be down to see her.
She came after another week and, once we met, that’s when she told me she was non-mono.

I was a bit taken aback but, at first, I thought it could be a cool thing since I actually really liked her but we couldn’t move forward anyway due to the distance. So now there was a real compatibility issue.

Being brief, the week we spent together was me dealing with two situations: A very intense affair that culminated on her telling me she loved me, that she never saw herself going back to monogamy but for me… Well, you get it. And, on the other hand, her explaining to me her ex-girlfriend/“current who knows but I’m keeping the door open” dynamic.

When she was declaring herself to me she said I didn’t have to worry about this woman (let’s call her B). I understand now that I was loved bombed and that we were making very crazy plans (“let’s get to know each other calmly, you live your life, I live mine but let’s also aim for a future together”. Fucking crazy. On both parts. I see it now).

So I asked her if she was willing to “close the door” with B so we could at least start off with some chance. As a mono person, having known so many details of the relationship (why B broke things off with G, how their lives are completely enmeshed, how recent things were) I thought that leaving the door open for romance (I don’t mean cutting the lady out of her life) would just mean they’d get back together and, for so, it would cause me pointless heartbreak.

Again, I see now how bonkers the situation is. On my part as well. I understand I didn’t know and wasn’t willing to start dating G right away anyway but I hope you can understand how hard to grasp the whole ordeal was. I mean, I never explored non-mono and there were so many elements being thrown at me at once. I started reading “all about love” and I was mostly just listening and absorbing things as they came.

Anyways, she said no right away and that’s when I started to detach myself because of our incompatibility. I also believe she was unfair to me, she didn’t have to tell me about being non-mono at the wedding but, fuck, if you’re going to make the bold move of traveling half the country to see someone, maybe you could have told me in the 2 weeks we were talking?

And maybe don’t create the possibility of being mono if you’re still waiting for things to work out with your ex? Im not judging the lifestyle at all, please understand. I just feel badly treated by being included in such a situation.

I “broke things off” (sounds ridiculous to write that) because, once I had time and space to think, I just saw how things developed in a bizarre way. I’m not even saying that I wouldn’t be open to trying non-mono one day, but not like this.

And on that note, those are my questions… I realized G is not in a good place, and I found a lot of what she said beautiful in theory but not really sound once I observed her reality. I don’t attribute that to non-mono philosophy, I just think she is a bit lost with her life in general. So I was wondering how other people navigate those dynamics:

“The relationship I have with you has nothing to do with the one I have with her.”

Doesn’t make sense to me because our environments affect each other regardless… And I saw that happening in real time: She told me about why B broke things off with her… It was a deeply personal reason and, once i thought more about it, I questioned if I should have known at all. On the other hand, B found the book I gave to G and read an intimate and vulnerable message I wrote on it. Fuck, I’m sorry? What? That was my breaking point to be honest. That created a reaction in B that culminated on her talking about “getting back together” but she “just has to be more sure”. How come one thing does not interfere with the other? We are humans. I felt quite used, because of course G got some satisfaction out of it, if she is still seeking the affection of this lady. It feels nice to have someone “coming back” to you even if the reasons are… warped.

“Love is wild and we can’t chain it.”

Yes, I agree in so many ways but in this situation I just saw a lady who broke things off with another, one is chained to the possibility of coming back together (while trying to keep me at bay). G also told me that, once they were broken off and she started seeing other people, B started to go back on being interested in her. I don’t think that’s non-mono free love, I think that’s control.

“There is no hierarchy.”

But if your resources (both physical and emotional resources) are limited how come we can be equitable in sharing them. Someone will occupy more of your time and thoughts. Am I being too general? Let me be blunt on how I saw it: B broke things off with her but wants her close. Good for being an affection, convenient, but not good enough to be her girlfriend because “B doesn’t see a future with a person like G” (ouch, but not my problem, I don’t want to say the reason they broke up but it’s based on identity). I mean… to the bench you went? Am I too simplistic?

On the other hand, G involves me in this and expects me to wait while she figures out her life (translation: see if things will change with G) so she can give me answers. I felt like a second choice, the bench of the bench. I told her that and she said that it’s not about hierarchy but, with the practical situation in front of me, I truly don’t get it.

I’ve blocked her, the way things were conducted were too reckless and unkind to me. But I am reading and enjoying the book she recommended, I’ll get to the ethical slut as well. Again, I don’t attribute any of her poor behavior to her being non-mono and I wanted to know how kind people see those challenges. I don’t know what is the number one rule but I told her my opinion on it: Don’t include mono people on it unless they’re happy to try it. Fuck her.

After four years of being an active participating and present cuckquean my husband finally had fun alone.

I had a coffee and relaxed with my kindle and he went to the hotel across the road with a cake.

Omg it was amazing !!! Two hours later he came back showered, grinning and I can’t wait to do it all again. Next time though I’ll be staying home.

We finally made the step away from me being in the corner and I’m elated!

Hello, it’s long… stick around if you dare. For context, I am autistic and have borderline personality disorder. Both of which are issues I deal with on a daily basis. I am aware of the effects these disorders have on my life, relationships, etc. I am in therapy, and seeing a psychiatrist. I am medicated and am working through a lot of the self esteem issues I have. 

Around November 2023 my spouse (Ace) came out as bisexual. After a lot of conversations about our evangelical past, how we had both been repressed, our mutual desire to explore sexually, we decided to explore ENM together. 

This began with us both dating separately, with the potential of sexual play together with any connections we made. Ace wanted to meet men, but quickly connected with a woman (Julia). I had a much less successful dating experience, but still had fun along the way. Ace fell in love with their new partner. At the time, we hadn’t discussed this possibility. We had not discussed polyamory. We had many difficult discussions at this point, but I decided to stay in relationship with Ace. I wanted to find what they had in their new relationship, so I kept dating.

I met someone at the beginning of April of 2024 (Billy). I fell HARD and fast. We both did. Huge NRE. And we had what I would call a whirlwind love/romance. Billy died in a car wreck at the end of April 2024. I was severely traumatized, and I won’t get into that. The important piece is I was heartbroken. Devastated. I stopped dating actively, but continued talking with people because I felt polyamory was a part of me at this point.

I met someone new (Carl) in May (yes I know that was fast). I fell for him fast as well. As is my way. Carl is married and had other partners as well. We had a great relationship. I was however constantly struggling with jealousy of the nesting partner privilege. Carl could offer me about 2 days a week in the beginning which gradually increased. But two overnights was the maximum usually, and I ended up spending many nights alone which really hurt. Ace and I still lived together but they were wrapped up with Julia, just as I was wrapped up with Carl. I was suffering a lot. Working through a lot. Really trying to make this relationship style work for me. I decided I needed more than Carl could offer me in terms of time commitment. So I began searching for a third partner. At the time, I was really unsure of what I was looking for. And honestly, the search was likely unhealthy because I often tend to try to “fill the hole” of loneliness. It’s part of BPD and something I didn’t recognize at the time as a pattern. But alas.

Around May 2025 I met Doug. Doug had no partners and was not currently poly. He had been dating other people very casually. He began working toward a poly lifestyle to be with me. But eventually found his own reasoning (outside of wanting to be with me) and was in a healthier place for himself. Doug dated different people off and on, but he had a really hard time with the time he was away from me (and vice versa). During this time, we both struggled. I was in love with Doug quickly. I was seeing the possibility of living with him and being with just him was always something that kept popping up in my mind. I kept denying it and telling myself I was poly. I was married to Ace. I loved Carl. There was not way I could have this.  I was feeling a lot of mixed emotions about my relationships with Ace and Carl. The romance with Ace had long faded and we were really just roommates that barely saw one another. After a year of struggle, I ended my relationship with Carl in May 2026. The relationship with Ace continued to fade to friendship, and that’s where it rests now. 

Now I am in a place where I really feel what’s best for me is probably monogamy. But I have agreed to some form of monogamish. Doug had a couple of people he was dating at the time I made this choice to stop dating others people. One person remains a steady connection for Doug right now. He has said that he would not pursue new relationships at this time. (No promise of that in the future). In the beginning of our relationship, he wanted monogamy with me, but he never would have asked for it. He didn’t feel it was his place. But I am asking for it from him. I feel it is what I need for myself, and I don’t know if this torn feeling is sustainable for me. 

I want to experiment, but I don’t want to do it apart from Doug. So I’m open to us meeting new people together and exploring sexually. But for me, the romantic side is not something I need or want. However, Doug still needs that. He enjoys his time with his other partner, and while they only see each other once a week, this one time a week causes me such stress I often breakdown, mentally. I have meltdowns (autistic but exacerbated by BPD naturally), and often the pain is so deep I want to hurt myself to make it stop. I have had to work really hard on my reactions and my responses to him when he returns from dates. He has now committed to coming home at night, so I will not spend nights alone (just evenings while he is gone on his date). 

I guess the point of all this is to ask if anyone has had similar situation and had success. If so, what did you do? How did you manage during the time that you felt abandoned? One of the major traits of BPD is this overwhelming feeling of abandonment, and every date he goes on triggers that so dramatically. 

Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks for reading! 

Hi! I (21F) am in a one sided sexually open relationship with my girlfriend (22F) due to discovering that I'm asexual a while into our relationship and her needing more frequent sex to feel fulfilled.

In theory I was completely fine with the idea of her having sex with others and it was more the possibility of deeper emotional connection or romantic interest that scared me. The first time she saw someone, my feelings afterwards were very focused on these insecurities and I thought that it was just something that I would need to do some individual therapy to become more normal about.

Now (still very early on in opening the relationship) I still am feeling very bad the nights she comes home from other girls houses and hearing the details of what they did, as I've asked for her to share some of them. I find myself crying about it until I calm down and go to bed and find myself getting very sad/uncomfortable with the idea of her touching someone else in the days after when it comes up in my head. I just feel very uncomfortable with the idea that shes had sex with someone else. I really don't have insecure thoughts about our relationship during these moments now and I feel pretty secure and don't think she will realistically leave me.

I'm having a hard time figuring out where these feelings are coming from and if I just am innately not made for this kind of relationship. We are just trying it out and there isn't pressure to continue doing it, but I really want to give it a fair shot before looking for other solutions to our imbalance. Have any of you figured out that this type of relationship isn't for you or found ways to work through these feelings? Is it possible that it's just the societal conditioning of monogamy and does it matter if that is what's responsible for these feelings? Or at this point is it fair to say that this won't work for me?

Thanks for offering any of your perspectives!

Husband and I (27f) are looking to open our marriage, but as a couple.

Recently after years of questioning why I felt more attracted to women, I’ve finally accepted that I’m bi (seems crazy it took me this long, various religious regions, parents, etc).

I love and adore my husband as we our soulmates (sounds cheesy I get it lol), but I’ve been craving a touch of a women and now him and I have been so much more open sexually and comfortable with each other.

Where should we start to find a girlfriend (is unicorn the right term?) literally asking for day one advice as we’re looking to keep it within our marriage, not find separate partners.

I hate dating apps, which I'm sure isn't something I'm alone in. I also don't get anything out of *looking* for partners.

That being said, I've developed a crush on a guy who I know from work / played games with him and his friends once, I also saw he goes to the same gym as me. He knows I (F23) have a fiancé, (M24) and he may have caught on that we're open, but I don't want to assume.

I just have not the slightest clue on how to possibly approach him about the idea of going out? My fiancé and I met when I was I HS, and we didn't start dating until 4 years after that. Before that, my last boyfriend was in my sophomore year of HS. With only two exs, it's not like I have a whole lot of experience dating.

I've been on a few casual dates with a few girls and guys, but they never lead to anything, so I'm especially psyched out that I'll ruin even a casual friendship.

Just advice on simply dating would be so swell. I know I'm probably super in my head.

I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (29M) for a little over seven years, and we recently decided to open our relationship—sort of.

For some background, we were completely monogamous for seven years. In February, I found out that he had been sleeping with other people, including coworkers, behind my back for about a year. We broke up for a short time, but since we live together, we eventually reconciled. He told me that it was only about sex and that those encounters never meant anything to him emotionally.

After a lot of discussion, we ultimately agreed to try an open relationship. The problem is that it feels very one-sided. It seems like I am only allowed to have experiences that involve him, such as with another couple or in threesomes with other women. I’ve expressed interest in threesomes that include another man, but he seems hesitant, uninterested, or unwilling to consider it.

I’m also not allowed to do anything solo, whereas he has been able to. The same applies to talking and flirting with people. He flirts with and talks to pretty much anyone he wants, but when I do the same thing, he seems uncomfortable or upset. Whenever I bring up wanting to explore something on my own, he often tells me that I’m “not in the right mindset.” I think he believes that my interest in other people is coming from a place of hurt, revenge, or wanting to get even for what happened, rather than from a genuine desire to participate in the open relationship.

He has also mentioned that opportunities come easier to me than they do for him. I get the impression that he feels like I would have more options or more success than he would, and that makes him uncomfortable. But if we agreed to an open relationship, I don’t understand why that should matter. To me, being open should mean that both of us have the same freedom.

I love him and I want this relationship to work. I honestly think it could, if the open relationship was ethical and equal on both sides. But I can’t help feeling left out and even jealous at times because I’ve allowed him to do what he wants, while I’m not really allowed to do much of anything. Anytime I bring up wanting the same freedoms that he has, he gets very upset.

How can I approach this conversation in a productive way, and how should I move forward?

My spouse and I have been ENM for about 4 years and I can honestly say I've given it my best go.

I've read posts, read books, listened to podcasts, check in regularly with my spouse, talked and talked, we've been to a few events, met and gotten together with several people in the LS, made a few friends, had fantastic times and some not-so-great times, been deep in it, taken pauses. That was all mainly in the beginning though.

I've hit burnout several times. I get caught up on the talking stages of online dating apps. I get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of single men liking my profile- I'm not interested in any of them though. In person at events, I can mingle just fine... But I feel bowled over by the cliques and how "everyone knows everyone" and I'm the outsider.

I've communicated with my spouse about transparency, boundaries, rules. I've even told them I need regular check-ins. I talk with them about many key points and issues, possibilities, desires, needs, insecurities, hard lines, the good, the bad. All of it.

I've had loads of time to think and reflect. We've figured out we're okay with playing with each other, having group sex, potentially having fwb's, possibly dating others, threesomes, watching, being watched etc. I've even thought a lot on what we have to offer someone else (and how to keep our relationship healthy) should we decide to go there.

And it all goes nowhere. I put myself out there again and again and again. We mingle, we meet new people, we're enthusiastic and happy to chat, we match and get ghosted, people get our info saying they want to get together...then never reach out. We get nowhere.

We're a reasonably fun, happy, laid back couple. We're both under 45, good looking, successful, great hobbies, happy lives. We reflect all of these things in our profiles and try to be very kind meeting others. We even got into a group thread for a local swinger event place that we attended a few times...and everyone knows everyone else and they only talk together (I tried jumping in a couple of times and no one engages). We make it a point to say hello, introduce ourselves and chat, but you'd never know it.

If you've read this far, I appreciate you going thru my thoughts here with me! I guess, I'm just getting to the point where I'm burnt out on it. All the exploring, all the convo initiating, all the feelings and self-reflection, all the research, all the drama, being ghosted, being stood up, mingling, the effort and energy etc. IS there anywhere to even go from here? Is this a hopeless endeavor?

TL;DR: I'm burnt out on expending (what seems like) an infinite amount of effort and energy with no leads. Where to go from here? Have you been where I'm at? Does it get better? Am I doing something wrong? We seem to vibe just enough with people, but aren't fitting in or finding any fun, or any friends either.

Im (18M) in an enm relationship and tbh I have very little interest in seeing other women. I did it once, it was ok ig. When we first met my gf (23 F) i told her I was ok if she had little flings and affairs, fun, etc. with other people but dont care about doing it myself. Im not a cuck, I dont like the degradation, I like knowing shes having fun and enjoying herself. I dont watch i saw it accidentally once and it was terrible. But anyways am I weird?

Hi Folks,

My wife and I have been married for 14 years and Poly for 8 years.

The majority of that time my wife has had a BF and I have had occasional/long distance partners.

Since COVID times her libido has really fallen off of a cliff, while mine has remained high as ever. For years this caused strife in our relationship because sex was an important part of our relationship and to me feeling secure in my “primary” relationship. We’ve been to couples counseling, sorted through other issues I won’t get into here, but it basically all boils down to. If she doesn’t want to have sex very often, that’s her right, and since we are Poly, I could go elsewhere anyway. As I processed this point of view, I came to terms with it and learned that I did need to keep my sexual appetite in check around my wife so she didn’t feel pressured.

During these same post-COVID years, my wife has descended into a state of depression, self-loathing and body dysmorphia. She is a beautiful, sexy, plus sized woman, but she insists she is ugly and undesirable. She has even given to covering and moving mirrors around the house so she doesn’t see herself. This led to an acceleration towards a dead bedroom between us. All of this, plus other issues in our relationship, and negative things that have happened between us make me feel less and less like wanting to have sex with her. For example, she is chronically ill, and always injured from something or another so I am always in a caretaking role. She also doesn’t do any house work, so I am in charge of all household cleaning and tasks. She is also unemployed and plays video games from 4pm-2am almost everyday. Her desire to interact with me is pretty minimal. She has stopped showing up to events that are important to my career or friends.

In the last two years, I’ve started to connect with more and more casual and committed partners. Which is great for my individual sex life! Yay! I’m really feeling fulfillment and passion from these other partners in my life. My wife is still with her committed BF and they have a sex life (although how active I don’t really know). In the last 24 months, my wife has initiated sex three times and two of which I had trouble getting an erection. (I have no trouble at all with other partners, but I didn’t tell my wife that). In these instances my wife gets really mad at me for not performing, and shuts down the interaction with an angry fight. So naturally this just leads to more anxiety for the next time… In my own mind, I’ve been feeling like the love for my wife has morphed into something like the love for a child or best friend not a passionate sexual partner. So because of all of these reasons, I feel that my brain has just removed my wife from a sexy play to a platonic love kind of place. After all, she’s told me for many years now that she’s not sexy and I shouldn’t touch her, so after so much of that, I think my brain just said “ok, cool. Message received.”

In the last year specifically, I’ve noticed my own sex drive dropping a bit either because of age or just getting burned out on the Poly dating scene. So I have been content with my partners and the relationship I have with my wife.

However, last week she initiated sex with me and I wanted to oblige because it almost never happens and I love her and want to be intimate with her. Foreplay was going ok, but before we could have penetrative sex, I lost my erection again. When she started to get really frustrated with me I started to gaslight her like I have in the past: “I’m just tired” or “you are very harsh when you are giving me feedback during foreplay”. Which then she got really angry and started accusing me of making her body all about me because I can’t get hard etc. so after a minute of hearing how hurt she was I felt that gaslighting her that she was doing something wrong or communicating poorly was not true, and not a fair way to go.

So I just told her. “Yes, I have been lying to you to save your feelings. I have been having trouble feeling sexually attracted to you. You are a good communicator and I’ve been making excuses for my self like it’s other things, but I want to be honest with you and move forward from there”. She was stunned for a few minutes. I told her that I think she is “objectively beautiful and I love her “ and she cut me off and said “don’t try to make the most devastating thing you can possibly say better”. So then she stormed off and didn’t talk to me for two days. When I had to help her with another medical emergency, I held her in my arms and said that I love her and she told me “I don’t know if that is true” 😳 💔

That’s probably the most hurtful thing she can say to me after 14 years of marriage, and caretaking, picking up her pieces, being her advocate, daily gopher, waiting on her hand and foot around the house… if that’s her way of hurting me back…I guess she was successful.

Anyway, now I’m devastated that I just killed my marriage trying to do the honest thing by not gaslighting my wife. But I’m worried that now that the “act” is off she will push even further from me. I’ve been apologizing to her for my words really messing her up. I stress that I love her and want to figure out how to reignite our spark, but she doesn’t want to hear it right now. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I tried to protect her, but instead I needed to hurting her twice first by gaslighting and making excuses and then by devastating her self esteem… 😢

Where do I go from here?

I have been seeing Peach casually for a few months. We have really good chemistry (sexually and otherwise), and have had lots of conversation to make sure we are on the same page. From the start, both of us have agreed we are not looking for a serious partnership, as both of us have NPs and other life commitments that prevent either of us from wanting to dedicate that level of time/energy. I let her know that i'm pretty open to anything in the casual realm- ranging from inconsistent, brief flings to lengthy and connected FWB. Peach identified clearly at the start that she is demisexual, and has been clear that developing connection beyond just sexual is necessary for her, so we agreed from the start our dynamic would likely and ideally end up falling in the FWB range. As we've continued to go on dates, I've noticed a few things that flag as concerning to me, but maybe I'm reading too much into it.

She's made comments about her partner developing more serious connections, and wanting to do the same (I've always clarified that she's totally welcome to do that, outside of me, but that I do not want another partnership!) She has expressed that our dates feel "short," though they're always multiple hours (I've clarified that I'm open to longer dates in the future, I just don't have capacity atm). It can be sometimes hard to tell the difference between her communicating wants and allowing herself to feel disappointment if i can't meet them, which is a healthy thing to do, vs her having these conversations frequently to push me in a direction I have communicated I do not want.

Further, there's been some times when I've let Peach know I want to pause/desescalate from something sexual or kink related to slow things down, and she has expressed "wanting to make sure this is moving forward," and has made a joke along the lines of "maybe a little less talking next time, maybe more of the other stuff." I admit that I'm taking things very slow! And I know this could be confusing to her, because she knows I've had experiences that are ONS/fast paced brief connections that indicate to her I am at times comfortable with diving into sex/kink more quickly.

I have communicated to her the truth about this, which is that in my past I often used sex to feel self-worth, which led to a lot of negative moments in my sexual experiences, and ultimately lowered my self-worth (I am a woman who grew up in anti-Queer, deeply Christian spaces); I have let her know that I have been making an active effort to slow down and back out of sexual experiences the moment I am feeling myself want to push the breaks. I've let her know that I really can't predict how quickly I'll want to move, and that generally, the ONS/brief connections tend to move more quickly in the bedroom because we're not also developing friendship or even much emotional closeness, just heightened drive in the moment; whereas with her, I've genuinely been enjoying developing the friendship, and getting to know what both of us enjoy sexually in our dynamic, which feels most comfortable to me at a slow pace.

I keep communicating my needs, so I really don't know what to do in these moments where she seems to be expecting something different than what I'm communicating to her. I am not lying when I say I want to continue developing our connection sexually and with kink we've been exploring, I just can't guarantee the pace. Thoughts?

Hello, I’m unfamiliar with ENM as I recently got out of a longterm monogamous relationship and moved back to my home state. I reached out to someone that I had sex with 10 years ago and we started talking again. I knew he had been in a serious relationship at one point and I asked him about his family right away. He told me his kids were at their moms and he was alone.

We started talking more and it turned explicit. I was unfamiliar with what he called the “LS” or “lifestyle”. I told him I didn’t know what LS meant and he told me that it’s what swingers refer to themselves as, he had been in it for a few years and explored that a lot with his kids mom. If it’s relevant, I told him I had been considering polyamory but I wasn’t sure if it was for me. That is basically the extent of what he said about this topic.

Yesterday he came over and we had sex. We had talked about having dinner together, he came later than expected so he bought us fast food instead. We held hands in the car on the way there. To be clear, at no point did I seriously consider building a relationship with him. I believed this was a purely sexual relationship that we were embarking on.

Today he texts me saying it seemed from some things I said yesterday that I was confused about the nature of his current situation. He brought up LS again and said he was currently partnered in an ENM relationship. He said it wasn’t exactly poly as the connections he forms outside the relationship are platonic but can be sexual. I told him that’s what I was anticipating. I asked twice what I said that made it seem like I was confused but he wouldn’t say. He said that I hadn’t said anything offensive but said it was okay and it was probably his fault for not being thorough enough in his explanation. When I said I don’t think he had mentioned having a partner he said he thinks I’m right and hadn’t explicitly stated that but assumed I would know because he’s in the LS even though that’s something I didn’t understand and needed explained to me. I also asked to talk about his boundaries and that I’d like to talk about it more sometime and ask questions. All he said was “ok for sure.”

So I’m completely confused about all this and it’s been on my mind all day. I feel like he deliberately withheld the information until after we had had sex. Perhaps he was worried I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone in a relationship even if they’re ENM? Maybe he thought I expected more and if I knew he was in a relationship I would call things off?

Should he have told me clearly that he was in an ENM relationship beforehand? Do people in ENM usually tell sexual partners they’re in a relationship? Should I have understood from his mention of “the lifestyle” that that meant he was currently in a relationship? 

My nesting partner(of 14 years married 12) left our relationship to pursue his long distance partner full time, and I honestly still don’t know how to process all of it. It’s been 7 months since he announced he wanted divorce. Finalized since February and he’s engaged as of April. We have two children together.

We were hierarchical poly. He and I lived together, built a life together, shared routines, responsibilities, emotional intimacy the whole nesting partner package. We both had other relationships, but there was always this understanding that our partnership was home base.

Then over time his long distance relationship got more serious. At first I genuinely supported it. I wanted him happy. I believed polyamory meant making room for love, even when it was complicated.

But eventually it stopped feeling like “adding” love and started feeling like I was slowly being phased out of my own relationship.

The hardest part is that there wasn’t some explosive betrayal. No cheating. No huge fight. Just a gradual emotional shift where I could feel myself becoming less central in his life while trying to convince myself I was okay with it because “this is what poly looks like sometimes.”

Now he’s building a future with her instead.

What makes it even more confusing is that we still care about each other deeply. We still talk. There’s still love there. It’s not clean-cut enough to hate him, and honestly that almost makes it harder.

I’m trying to figure out how to transition from “life partner” to… whatever we are now. Friends? Chosen family? Exes who still love each other? I have no idea.

Some days I feel proud of how much grace I’ve handled this with. Other days I feel completely replaceable.

I think the biggest thing I’m grieving is not just losing the relationship, but losing the version of the future I thought was stable.

Polyamory can create really beautiful connections, but I don’t think people talk enough about how uniquely painful it is when someone doesn’t leave you for “nobody” they leave because another relationship grew bigger than yours.

Note: Non if this is intended to disparage anyones religious or political beliefs. With a background in theology and studying society and coming from a conservative christian background I noticed this and am curious what others are seeing.

I have noticed something a little odd lately in my social media. I started a page posting NM content and following lots of NM people/influencers. This was a clean page so there was no other influence on my algorithm. And my feed is full of either LGBTQ, swingers, bdsm etc (expected) and content creators or conservative trad wives, talking about submission and even "biblical polygamy." (not expected) I also see a ton of man-o-spheresque people showing up too. And as that has happened the LGBTQ, singers etc have gotten less and less.

This was instigated by a post about how do I submit to God and my husband.

I personally have thought for a bit that the whole trad wife thing is just unexplored kink, so maybe this means peoples favorite Tradwife is also following bdsm content?

THAT said I have also started getting more conservative folk politically too. I know NM is full of people across religions and political opinions so it isn't crazy that there would be a NM conservative, but I am very suprised at how the algorithm has taken my hashtags and content and thought "Nonmongamous eh? they will love this "how to better submit to your husband" video for sure!"

So we’ve had a call and I expressed how I was willing to put the work in to learn and take baby steps together. Pretty much she said she can’t wait and can’t fight the urge and has put us on a break so she can explore without feeling like she’s cheating on me. She says this would be a good opportunity for both of us to work on each other and figure out what we want but I thought the whole point was to figure it out together.

I don’t know but I feel like I’m not really getting seen all that much. Her being away is making this 100x harder as well. Fuck

Title says it all. I never thought we would be in this scenario as we made our agreements and outline clear. It’s strange because I know they have been with others before but lately they have stopped telling me (I saw a few phone notifications. Brushed it off twice but kept happening). My mind and body are so confused, should I feel like they’re cheating on me even though we’re open, they have just stopped communicating to me about their experiences?

More context: We have lived together for 5 years. Our agreement is to let the other person know when they have a date or hookup so that we can reconnect in a meaningful way after and also plan around eachother when we’re out 😁 After thinking about it, I feel information was withheld and that can easily be resolved by talking. I don’t like feeling like a secret is happening! It’s easy to talk to him though I’m not afraid

Hey y'all, so I have sort of a multifaceted question for everyone.

My NP and I opened about 4 years ago she (31F) has had a much easier time than I have in finding partners, as is very common. However, I (34M) recently have begun seeing a former coworker, who has her own relationship, and things have been going great. However, I feel like I want to practice a different style of ENM than both of my partners, and I'm just a little unsure how to navigate it.

My ideal situation is garden party poly. I don't need my partners to be best friends, but I also want them to be able to chat and socialize like humans, and maybe even friends. My NP has said she's totally on board with this, and my newer partner is warming up to the idea, but they are both anxious about meeting each other. However my NP is seeking very casual, surface level flings, and the newer partner and her NP practice what's basically just shy of DADT. They know the other person is seeing someone but want zero details, don't want to meet that person.

I have so many questions on navigating this.

1) they both seem amenable to meeting each other, how do I help navigate the awkwardness?

2) for the partner who is more DADT-adjacent, does anyone have any tips on feeling like you are still a part of their lives and not the side piece when they are trying to keep things separate? I feel like Im making things awkward by like checking if we should go to certain events, because to.me.ita NBD, but for her it would be sort of blowing up her dynamic if we are seen together.

3) how do you navigate just wanting different styles of ENM than your NP, especially when it's this level of difference?

Hi all. My partner and I of 12.5 years have been in a stop-start pattern with trying to open our relationship for a while now, opening initiated by him. I have not been under duress, necessarily, but I have been moving with a lot of trepidation and anxiety. For a long time, because of this, we were operating under a DADT model, at my request.

Circumstances have happened that have both 1- Caused a non-enm-related rupture of trust in our relationship and 2- Prompted him to tell me about a relationship that he has been having with someone who lives in a city that he used to travel to a lot for work. While we have explored together and I am aware of the fact that he has hooked up with other people, this the first time I have been confronted with the idea of him being in an ongoing, sustained relationship with someone else. He wants to go visit her, now that work is not taking him to her city anymore.

The jealousy and insecurity I am feeling have been… wild. Deeply uncomfortable. I feel like an alien has taken up residence in my body and is requesting that I behave in ways that do not feel natural to me. I have been honest and vulnerable with my partner about these feelings and actions (the temptation to read his texts over his shoulder, for instance, or to crawl through his instagram follows and see if I can figure out who she is — not things I would ever do without the alien behind me). But I am having a really hard time with my own imagination. There was a reason I didn’t trust myself enough to hold this knowledge, you know?

Editing to clarify- this other relationship exists well within a “permitted” timeline, but was unknown to me by my own choosing.

I began crying when he tried to initiate sex the other day, because she leapt into my head and I couldn’t stop thinking about how he touched her, how he would push her onto the bed, if he wished it was her and not me in that moment, etc. He’s started doing this new thing in bed that he really likes, and every time he does now, I wonder if it’s because she did it first (thereby also being better at sex than me). I have been struggling with what feels like a flattening of our relationship — I don’t know how or why it is different than any other relationship that he has or wants to have, what makes it (and by extension, me) special, and when asked, he has not been able to articulate that specialness, either. He says, “You are my primary partner,” or “You are always the priority.” But that… doesn’t feel like anything. Or it doesn’t feel like enough. It’s so vague!

This is my first time experiencing anything like this— both these feelings of jealousy, and the actual real life knowledge that my partner is and wants to be with someone else— and so I am trying to give myself grace. And trying really hard to not fall into a (very easy and natural, for me) thought pattern of, “This is hard and it hurts, therefore I am bad at it, therefore I will always be bad at it, therefore there is no hope.”

We are both in individual therapy and couples therapy. I spoke with my therapist about this today, and the general sense I got from her was like, you know, we’re human. A lot is being asked of me. Jealousy happens. But this is HARD. It is disruptive. It is also getting in the way of trying to rebuild from the non-enm-related rupture.

The alien is here; they live here now, they cannot go back to their planet. But how do I keep them from ripping me open and eating me from the inside out and then wearing me like a skin suit?

I have so many questions, and I tried to do as much research as possible but I'm not finding answers to the more nuanced questions I have. TLDR at the bottom, in case context isn't your thing.

I'm very new to the lifestyle and come from a pretty conservative background, so I'm still learning. I consider myself primarily (romantically) monogamous, but I'm open to voyeurism and exhibitionism. Generally, I'm not interested in hooking up with other people myself, though I'm open to group activities it if a partner wanted that (hesitantly...I get stage fright and let's be real, a pillow princess, so idek what I would do with an extra person or more in bed).

Both my partner and I are bi. I'm generally comfortable with what's often called "soft play" with other women, and I'm fully comfortable with him having any experiences with men. What I'm not comfortable with is opposite-gender play on either side. The best way I can describe it is that I'm okay with openness when it's something I personally can't provide (I don't have a penis, and I am not multiple people). I know some people criticize that boundary, but it's simply where my comfort level is.

Recently, I booked us a lifestyle cruise (Bliss Feb 2027 on Celebrity Cruise line...if you're going please feel free to connect!), and I'm trying to learn as much etiquette as possible before we go, especially because without the complications of intimacy, I am already terrible with social ques and tend to come off as rude or even ignorant. If I'm going to participate, I want to do it respectfully and correctly.

I'd also love recommendations for beginner-friendly books or other resources. If you recommend a channel or podcast, specific episodes would be especially helpful because huge back catalogs tend to overwhelm me.

Part of what prompted this question is that my partner and I seem to have different views on how these conversations should happen. He has more experience than I do and feels that being very upfront about preferences and limits can come across as rude. My instinct is the opposite: Because this is a lifestyle cruise, my assumption is that most people already understand that sexual interest is part of the environment, I think it's more respectful to communicate expectations early so everyone can decide whether they're compatible before investing time or creating awkward situations. This isn't dating where you have to peel back layers of personality, this is a cruise meant for casual hookups between consenting adults. Determining if your sexual wants match up with there's is HOW you connect at first, and then the potential for a friendship connection comes next, is it not?

I'd love to hear perspectives from people with more experience. Thank you for your time and kindness. Idk what I'm doing here.

After all of that, the questions I have are (TLDR, what are you asking?):

• What books, podcasts, videos, or beginner resources would you recommend?
  • Is there a lifestyle dictionary?
• What's the best way to communicate boundaries and interests in a setting that is specifically for swingers when you're not actually swingers and instead just more sex positive/ENM?
  • Is directness appreciated, or is it considered rude?
  • Should we get to know the couple first before establishing what we're looking for, or is that considered wasting their time?
• Are there any other important etiquette rules I should know before attending?
• and if you DID read all of the context, is this even ENM? Is it poly? Like....if I am monogamous but I like a little outside play here or there, am I even monogamous???

As the title says, but more specifically- I (29M) am a trans man who's been on T, had full hysterectomy, etc and am one of the unlucky ones who's developed vaginal atrophy, unconfirmed but most likely due to transition. While I would never regret my transition, the atrophy makes penetrative sex painful for me and has given me performance anxiety around sex. I have been applying estradiol for about 3 years to some avail, been talking to my therapist about my insecurities, and just started using dilators, but its been a long road and slow progress. I struggle with quite a bit of guilt and shame over my inability to provide sexually.

My long term partner (30M) is cis and has been struggling with the lack of penetrative intimacy longterm. His previous relationship was with a cis woman who suffered from vaginismus, which he recently informed me about. He wants to explore ENM while keeping our relationship primary, so that he can explore other sexual experiences and I have more space to continue work on my health. I would be excited at both of these prospects in a vacuum, but still working through my personal hang up.

We had a terrible stint last year of briefly & hastily opening up the relationship for an ex friend who wanted to sleep with my partner. I went with my gut and ended things after one date, as we were going about it unethically and this friend (10 years older than us and as it turns out, a very unethical person altogether) was pushing things way too fast.

The topic of enm has come up a few time since then and we've both done months worth of research (multiamory, the ethical slut, polyamory for dummies and the like), discussed ethical boundaries, and implemented weekly check ins following RADAR guidelines. He told me last night that he could see himself being in love with multiple people, which is a departure from his previous insistence that he only desired casual sex (which I didn't think was realistic, anyway).

I guess getting back to my original point, has anyone else ever opened their relationship for health? Especially their sexual health?? It's isolating to be dealing with this, especially as a young person.

Edit to add: we agreed that both of us would be open to meet other people. I broached the idea to have an equal playing field. I've since decided (and informed him) that I have no real desire to look right now-I don't desire another relationship, don't feel i have the time in the day nor emotional capacity for one at the moment, and feel i don't have anything to offer sexually, anyway. I am afraid of FOMO though lol

The other day there was a post by a woman who approached her husband about an open relationship, and he said no. She wanted advice on "changing his mind", and in her post stated she thought they could reach a "compromise." Obviously I'm paraphrasing. She got roasted in comments. Rightfully so.

This got me thinking about my own situation, and the reality of typical posts on this sub and those like it.

Sub has lots of "how do I approach my partner about...."

But very few "They said no, now what" posts.

And even fewer "After a no, How are things years later" posts. Maybe it needs one, maybe not, I'm still going to share anyway.

Background: Little over 4 years ago I found myself not fighting to survive financially, not working on the next step (I had career, marriage, kids, house, etc). So for the first time at 40 years old I had time to look at myself in the mirror. I found these subs, all of them. I was reading everything daily. It appealed to me in a way nothing ever had. My wife, of 13 years and 3 kids, and I had been doing really well. Really honest and loving for a few years at that point (having worked through a ton of early marriage issues). I thought, I'm checking all the "pre-approval" boxes.

I did what everyone else does, I made a post on how to approach my wife about ENM, swinging specifically. Got the advice, didn't do the initial approach very well. Her reaction was bad. Then we talked again, went way way better. She said she was willing to learn about it, we talked more, made a plan for "looking into" this kind of life, reading/podcasts, which was all I had asked for. I came back to these subs with a "positive" update, got more advice, was feeling good and excited for the first step in our ENM journey.

We listened to 15 minutes of one podcast when she had a full blown panic attack. She could not do this, the idea of me with anyone to any degree was an absolute NO.

We spent the next year recovering from my request. Lots of hard talks, a therapy app (not the real thing but what we agreed to and worked for us at the time), and her feeling like she needed to "let me go" because she was "holding me back." During this I also was made aware of how uncomfortable she was with some of my "kinks."

I felt like this worst husband ever. I did make a post, a couple months later asking "Now what?" I got some feedback. Mostly encouragement to seek therapy and not try to drown myself in anti-depressants. I got a few 1 in a million stories where somebody reacted like my wife but now they're happily ENM and wouldn't change a thing. But I also got a few people who told me, I need to either accept it's not happening and cut it off/commit to something else, or leave and take my chances.

So I did. I deleted all my posts and all my comments, left all the subs. I logged out of this account. I swore I'd never bring ENM up to my wife, or anyone, ever again. And I haven't.

I realized I had no hobbies, I realized I had no friends. Which were far cries from my youth. I started a hobby, I tried to get out more. The hobby took off, it was in content creation, and before long I was being pushed into monetizing. Which I feared because I thought I'd burn out. I did, it was exciting at first but quickly became a job, became stress, and I had to quit. I would say I have friends now, but I still have only "been out" on my own 4 times in the last 4 years. I feel as though nothing fills the void, and don't know what will, obviously this is a me problem.

My wife and I have fully recovered, or at least she has. She tells me everyday now how happy she is, loves me etc. I can tell she really is happy in our marriage, more so than I think she was even in the beginning. Kids are great, they have a good life, and seem really happy. I carry the load everywhere, in every way: the house, the kids, the finances, our marriage.

I started real individual counseling a year ago. 8 months ago I got put on an anti-depressant that doesn't affect libido in any way (a stipulation of mine). I feel very "neutral" now, in day to day life.

The last few months my therapist has been pressing me. We've been working on my detachment, depression, sense of existential dread, etc. She has been encouraging me to find my true self, and try to be that person. I don't really know who that is. I find myself now drawn back to these subs, and infidelity subs. But obsessed with reading the really sad traumatizing posts, and picturing myself as that person. Wondering how I would handle it. Still unsure what this says about me.

During our last session she asked me how I see my ideal life. I told her I had no answer, because I will never figure out what that is. I will never sacrifice the happiness of those around me to "find myself" or take a chance on something that I know only as an idea. I have not asked for or even mentioned a single "kink" of mine since that conversation 3 something years ago. And I never will. I will live in this monotony until the end. I look forward to nothing. But that is worth it to me so that everyone around me can live their best life.

I guess this is my point, and it's addressed straight to those wondering about ENM, I know there are tons of lurkers here, and those working towards making that initial ask of their partner. You can ask, but more likely it won't go the way you want, or at very least not how you think it will. And my experience is just one way it can go. Lots of marriages have ended over nothing more than the question itself, and those that survived the question, whether yes or no, were not the same. Nothing can be the same once it's brought up, and those in happy/healthy ENM marriages reiterate that here constantly. Just be prepared, you are making a life altering decision, it might go great or it might not, but mostly know, any outcome is possible, for your marriage, family, and for yourself.

As title says

Often, poly content creators almost always only talk about the inner work and the outer work a hinge needs to do to be able to balance love output, while still maintaining their sense of self…

Today I ask the opposite, for people who are “hinge/s” in this subreddit, what can your lovers do or say to help you manage things better?

One of the things I say to my anchor, who also has a girlfriend is, “thank you for loving us so well. you’re such a good lover to us.”

Or from time to time (even in moments where I’m parallel with my metamour), I checkin and ask, “how are things going with her? any support I can give for your coming dates?”

I know being the hinge in relationships can be overwhelming sometimes. And sometimes, the hinge is truly at their 100% capacity.

So… what do you guys say to your hinge to make them feel loved?

Really never thought of myself as a relationship advice subreddit sort of guy, but here goes. wow. ok. Yeah, we're doing this. Thank the almighty for multiple accounts. ok. Here's the sitch:

Married near on two decades, three young-ish children (10/10/14), sex life moribund but I sort of figured hey, that’s middle age, relationship otherwise ... okay? Anyway, I get a heads up like a year ago that my spouse has been engaged in a long term affair with some guy from Europe, also married. And sure enough, another buddy looks into the situation (don’t ask - my background is sort of security adjacent and friends look out for one another), and the heads up turns out to be 100% correct, this is the real deal, not some one-off hookup but a real love affair.

And I’m sort of paralyzed into inaction for a year (actually more, now that I think about it), judge me for that as you will, but I'm just sort of sitting there waiting for her to announce that some major life change is coming my way. And then word comes from my buddy that the other guy has broken things off to try to reconcile with his wife! And I’m like okay, time to clear the air here. So I do, while we’re both overseas and away from the kids, seems better that way. And I’m kind of shocked by my wife’s reaction, which is annoyance at a perceived intrusion to her privacy and a sort of shrug followed by a “so do you really want a divorce?”, which is not exactly the tearful apology I was aiming for. Such is life.

Now, here’s the thing: (a) we have small children; (b) we both come from kind of messed up family situations and definitely want to provide a stable and caring environment for our kids; (c) a divorce would be insanely complex and value-destroying (no prenup because neither of us had anything when we married, our estate is at this point super super complicated,full of illiquid assets / limited partnerships / tens of LLCs / trusts / properties that run into many millions of dollars ... I know, I know, I’ve just lost most of my sympathetic audience here, it is what it is); and (d) the reality is, we don’t hate each other. Yeah, betrayal, I get it, and it’s certainly not like we're overflowing with romantic love and affection, but are we like antagonistic and throwing things and screaming at each other? Nah. Not at all. She’s a good mother and I would be the first person to admit that I’m probably a pain in the ass to be married to, so tempting as it might be to paint myself as some giant victim, I know that’s not the reality. Anyway, day to day, we get along just fine, more or less.

But just like she’s lonely, which I guess is what drove the past affairs (yeah, turns out there were some others), well, I am too. But I’ve never had a “proper” extramarital affair (although full disclosure, I'm no saint, there have absolutely been indiscretions here and there on my part). And yet now, I’m confronted with the reality of being in a de facto open marriage. Which I didn’t sign up for, but given what I’ve outlined above, just is what it fucking is. She’s made it pretty clear that she’s done with me romantically, and honestly, the feeling is mutual at this point. So we’re in this weird not-leaving-not-really-staying-mutually-friendzoned-detente for the foreseeable future. And she's more than fine with this.

So … why I’m posting this sordid tale here is, what the fuck do I exactly do now? Things are stable around the house, and I mean to keep them that way, but how on earth do I manage to find some kind of romantic relationship for myself with this ongoing car crash all around me? I mean, I’m picky to begin with, and I don’t even know how I’d start. I haven’t dated for decades and I can’t imagine posting smiling photos of myself on tinder and then dropping this kind of mess on someone, and I ALSO don’t want to be the other dude in someone else’s marriage … fuck, man. Is it just kind of like random one night stands here and there? I don’t know. Kind of lost. What are people supposed to DO in situations like this? Is this sort of thing common? I genuinely don't know.

Anyway, I assume this is exactly the kind of trainwreck you folks are here to address, so have at it, reddit. I throw myself upon your mercy.