Edit: I wrote this late at night after surgery so I’m just seeing the comments! Thank you all for being so supportive. I know this tactic isn’t for everyone but it worked for me! I’m going to try to respond to everyone but overall I just want women to understand the reality of family court. Don’t be afraid, be prepared. Remember, the amount of effort a system puts into taking you down is directly correlated to how powerful they actually think you are.

Just realized this is long but hoping it helps another woman. Last year I posted this about how my child’s dad threw a legal tantrum bc I left him. https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/1fum2en/if_your_lazy_ex_files_for_full_custody_after_you/

Quick update now that everything is basically wrapped up. Spoiler alert: he never actually wanted custody. He just wanted a win, attention, and a storyline bc he was embarrassed. Once he got what he claimed to want, he immediately became overwhelmed because he had never taken care of our child in the first place. Now he cannot find a girlfriend (I’m proud women are waking up and running away from single fathers with young children lol) or distant relative to pawn our child off on. The sudden reality of single parenting has hit him fast but I’m convinced it’s the only way I would’ve ever gotten a break. I still do not trust him as a father but I know the courts are unfortunately reactive so I just send everything to my attorney so that when action needs to be taken, we’re not scrambling.

Like most women here, I was terrified of missing half of my child’s life. The idea of shared custody used to make my stomach drop. What surprised me is that when I had her 100 percent of the time, there was no way I could be as present as I am now. Now I get to prioritize myself, recharge, build my goals, and show up as a calmer and more grounded mother. This entire custody battle actually gave me everything I did not know I needed. I am a better version of myself because of the time and freedom I got back. I parallel parent which means he cannot get in touch with me outside of an app, and I’ve taken it a step further by hiring a PA in the Philippines to sort through, summarize and send to me + my attorney every other week. I do keep an eye out for important logistical updates but pretty much all of my interactions with him are outsourced. I’m relieved that we don’t need to do joint parties etc. now, I just freely plan parties and trips for the kids and I. This continues to drive him crazy almost a year later but brings me to my next point:

One of my quiet strategies was something I now realize is a real psychological tactic. I made a loser feel like he was winning so he would expose himself. I looked it up and the formal name for this approach is called rope a dope. It is the same idea often used in negotiations where you let someone believe they gained ground so you see their weaknesses you can exploit as they stop masking their true behavior. Once he thought he was winning, he showed the court exactly who he was. At the end, the rug pulled itself from under him.

I also learned to never be afraid to question your attorney or fire them. My first lawyer spent my 20K retainer and couldn’t provide an invoice for where the money went (he only showed up to one hearing- no evidence review or anything but requested an extra 25k for trial just bc he knew how much money I made 😂) my second lawyer told me I had “bad vibes” and “knew too much” because she got something wrong and I gently challenged her on it. I consulted with other attorneys who showed me the actual codes and proved she was incorrect. I replaced her immediately with someone who understood the courtroom culture and the bias I was facing. Although she threatened to drop me for challenging her, she was shocked when my new attorney asked her to sub out. Unfortunately the only people I saw respected in that court were older white men or young white “alpha” types. The decision to fire the south Asian lawyer “bad vibes lady” for a white man still makes me cringe but that decision alone changed the trajectory of everything.

I observed hearings to better understand the judges and their styles. Family court is patriarchal and often resentful toward beautiful or financially independent women. I saw how my Blackness, my income, and my appearance made people project all kinds of things onto me. Once I understood that, I stopped expecting fairness and started using the system’s own dynamics in my favor. Before one hearing I went to Ireland and had a great time. I made sure to post photos/ videos etc. while I was away he sent the cops to my home claiming our toddler was left alone for the weekend. The police notified him that she indeed had a nanny but he couldn’t let the fact that I went on his dream trip go. I got hundreds of messages in the app and as expected before my attorney intervened and at court he talked more about me having a beer on St. Patrick’s Day than about our child. It was pure jealousy and the judge saw through it and made it clear it wasn’t relevant to the case.

If you are in a recommending county, learn the codes. My attorney used them to get the mediator’s biased report thrown out. After this, other party and his attorney became OBSESSED with me. His attorneys made fake accounts to stalk me and tried to provoke me constantly. They needed me to react because their entire case depended on painting me as unstable. I never reacted. My emotional regulation was the biggest advantage I had.

Meanwhile my ex lost his temper repeatedly. The judge noted his controlling behavior and even pointed out the 60 calls and threatening texts he sent daily while claiming he feared me. The judge told him he needed help 😂 and then told me to speak with someone in Congress about how 3044 was weaponized in my case 🙄

We technically have 50 50 but he kept giving up his time when he thought it was over. I had her close to 80 percent of the time for a long stretch. The moment my attorney filed to modify child support based on this, he started exercising his time again. It is extremely obvious what motivates him and at this point we’ve had 3 court officials put on the record he’s financially motivated to pursue custody.

By letting a loser feel like a winner, I have the exact schedule I wanted and the freedom to travel, date, glow up and live my life.

What I learned:

• Stay child focused. • They need you to be the villain. If you do not react, they unravel. • Document, but don’t act on everything. This is a sure fire way to make you seem problematic if you present something to a judge that can’t be proved with a shadow of a doubt. • Family court resents beautiful and financially independent women. If this is you, don’t be afraid- but be prepared for the seemingly out of nowhere disdain toward you. • Use the rules of the system to your advantage. Sit in on court hearings to get a sense of what resonates with a judge along with the “types” of people they tend to side with. • Fire the wrong attorney quickly. • Avoid evaluators and expensive experts if you can. • Do not turn over financials right away without legal guidance. • Filing for child support often triggers a custody case. If I could redo anything, I would have waited two extra months so I could file for abandonment instead.

In the end, he lost because he wanted control, not responsibility. I won because I stayed calm, strategic, and focused on my child and my own growth.

Hey, i am the mom who canceled Christmas for my family!

Thank you very very much for all your solidarity, support and encouragement bromos! Sadly i couldn't respond to comments as they were locked, but i appreciate every one of them!

So a little update on my situation so far. I told them very clearly and calmly how this will play out and why. I didn't scream or meltdown, i just clearly communicated that the fact i was ignored on Christmas last year and my birthday hurt me very much and showed me how much they didn't appreciate me and everything i do for them. And also how much it hurts to just be taken for granted generally. As a consequence this year my gift to myself will be to remove the extra stress of putting in all the free invisible labor so that they can have a nice Christmas. I told them they can have Christmas, they just need to put in the effort. I will not do it.

They didn't take it well. Daughter screamed at me and is in a bad mood since then. Husband didn't say a word, but has told daughter apparently that we will not have Christmas this year because of mom. They don't believe me and will try to put pressure on me.

My son was the only one who did reflect a bit. He came and apologized for my birthday and asked me to help him pick a little gift for me and get it. He is autistic, so i do understand that situations like these can get difficult for him. I accepted his apology and agreed to give him a hand and he will get a gift from me. He also told me he is relieved because all that Christmas stuff overwhelms and stresses him out and he would prefer to just chill. So i offered to him that he can come with me celebrate with his sister and that will be it.

At the moment it's tense here. I know my daughter and husband are waiting on me to just give in. That will not happen. As it stands, Christmas mom service is still canceled. It is getting to my son a bit because he can't deal with hostility and a tense environment and i feel sorry for that. But still.

Today there was ranting because i didn't buy advent calendars still and haven't brought out the tree or any decorations yet. Husband made a comment yesterday about what would be on the menu for Christmas and i just told him whatever he wants to cook.

So that's how it's going. I will go shopping for my oldest daughter next week and will splurge on myself a bit too. And i also have a dinner date with one of my friends who is alone on Christmas, we booked a nice restaurant.

But i must admit, this is hard. It's really not easy to go through with it and to stand firm. I also have to relearn to be good to myself and not feel bad for not rewarding shitty behavior. I will absolutely struggle to buy myself stuff instead of buying gifts, but i told myself this is an important lesson as much for me as for them.

I will update you all through the month to tell you how the situation evolves/escalates!

I posted here a few weeks ago mentioning how tired I was of having to take care of my disabled husband, don't get me wrong I love him, but I'm a human too who is burnout from work, taking care of our children and then of my husband's medical needs. My husband has been a complete quadriplegic for 4 years. Ever since he has been paralyzed, he's not been able to work, so he spends all the time at home while I go to work and I am the one who also has to do the chores because he can't even move a finger.

So because I was getting stressed of having to do amny but many things, I decided I'd hire a caretake from now on last week to help me take care of my husband. Now I just help him to get transferred from bed to his wheelchair in the mornings, I cook breakfast for my children and take them to school, and the new caretaker shows up at 7am at our home and she does all what she needs to do to take care of my husband's medical needs. I also asked the caretaker to pick up my children from school in the afternoon to take them back home, and continue the rest of the day caring for my husband and watching around the house. I've now just arrived home and I feel less stressed knowing most of my husband's needs have been met and my children are just there doing their homework.

My husband insisted me he didn't want me to hire a caretaker, but I did because I was burning out ans I was willing to use some of our money to facilitate our loves a little bit. I'm still a little stressed, but I have less worries now. Though my husband preferred it when I helped him with his needs such as showering him, changing his diapers, cathetering him, and other things which are not easy to do every single day. I hope my husband gets used to this.

Well hello you beautiful people. I hope everything is okayish for all of you in this hellish time of the year.

I promised i would update you on how it's going, so here i am.

Christmas is definitely canceled for good on my side. The last ten days were just hell, with a lot of gaslighting, mockery, condescending behavior and assholery in general from husband.

Kids have come around as far as possible. I've had two big talks with my daughter, explained to her that her behavior in all of this hurts me and is frankly unacceptable and i will not put up with it. I'm still her parent and she has no right to scream at me when she doesn't get her way. I did emphasize that i understand her frustration but that it's guided towards the wrong person here. Because i did not cancel Christmas, i asked for help and teamwork. I didn't want to play the blame game, but in the end it had to be said clearly. Her father canceled Christmas because he didn't want to lift a finger. He thought he could pressure me into giving in by canceling, because i would feel bad. I did at first, but not anymore.

I also talked to her about standing up for myself, and asked her if she wants later on to be in the same situation, because she doesn't know any other way. She does not. In the end i do believe she understands, but there still were many tears and frustration and she feels that it's unfair to fight this battle on the back of the kids. I told her they are not little anymore and it should be a family holiday, and not one where one person slaves away so the others can enjoy. Christmas has always been on my back for them to enjoy and I've had enough. I do not ask anyone to take sides, but i did want to make it clear that this is not about them, but about me and that i will not give in.

Since then, she has made a lot of efforts to help more. I do work from home and will work until tuesday, so she went and put up the tree with her brother, did laundry, has gone grocery shopping and was more helpful all around. She still is disappointed that there will not be Christmas but she understands that this is on her father. They had a screaming match the other day because she tried to talk to him and he doesn't want to admit or understand anything. So that's where we're at with the kids.

Husband, well. He is just an asshole. He doesn't care. On friday he came home telling me yeah look at me i bought you a gift. With the expectation that i would turn around and thank him and manage Christmas. You want to know what he brought home? A fucking washing machine. I screamed. And then left. I don't even have words for this bullshit. A washing machine. We live in an apartment. We do not have space for a washing machine. I can do my laundry in the common laundry room in the basement and thats fine with me, always has been. I do not want a fucking washing machine. I am not your fucking maid. Go fuck yourself and take your wachine machine with you.

And then he tried to turn it around and make me look like the bad guy and ungrateful. Look how much money i spent for you. I bought you your own waching machine (so you can do even more laundry for us every day of the week). No. The kids were appalled. Nobody knew what to say.

Then he tried to triangulate other people into it like my inlaws. I told them facts. I told them like it is, that i asked for help and their son decided to cancel altogether. They should be ashamed of their parenting and not get on my nerves for standing up for myself and asking something reasonable from my family. This stops right now.

He also told me i am turning the kids against him. Uhm no no buddy you did that by yourself.

I am angry, bromos. Really angry. This is an absolute shitshow.

I told my daughter to go and spend Christmas with her boyfriend and his family as she has been invited. She can come with me and my son visit with their sister on christmas day. There will be no gifts. The gift will be the life lesson they learned.

In other news my oldest daughter had to go two times to the emergency dentist this week. She has an abscess in her mouth and her face is swollen. She has to take antibiotics and pain meds and maybe go to the hospital to open it up and clean it out. This can only be done under full anesthesia with her as she would not open her mouth and stay still. So we are monitoring the situation. Shit we didn't need. And my girl is in pain, that shit sucks so much. She still is in good spirits though. She is a strong cookie and luckily she has no idea of what shit is happening at home.

Last but not least. This is the final nail in the coffin. I have two weeks of vacation starting tuesday, and i will start then to put my ducks in a row. 25 years are right over now. This will be another kind of shitstorm coming, but I've had enough. Luckily we are not married and one minor child remains. So we'll see. I will not fight. If he doesn't want to move out i will. The kids and the cats come with me. I've been the main caretaker, the kids are of age to choose anyway and the cats are in my name. I work fulltime and am able to take an apartment even if i have to downgrade and change things for everything to work. But this stops right here.

So yeah. Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate. I am sending love and hugs out to any of you who are having asshole husbands or otherwise a hard time. I see you. I understand. You are heros. And you deserve better. I am not a hero. It took me 25 years to get to this point. You got this and you have my love. I am also thinking of all of you with sick or disabled kids, who can't have a normal holiday, who are stressed out becaus routines are interrupted and kids that are in meltdown mode nonstop. I see you too. You are doing your best and that is enough.

You are all enough and loved from an internet stranger.

I left. I called CPS and reported him on Tuesday. I packed the kids with their things and some clothes for myself and went to my dads house. I told him on the phone and he was heartbroken. Yesterday I met with the caseworker and he was arrested on my drive home. He’s spending the holiday weekend in jail. I’ve asked his family to be involved and take care of him. They’re all completely shocked. His dad and sister are flying out to be with him. They’re even considering taking him back home. They don’t seem to understand that I have a protective order and he is not allowed to contact me or the children until the case is closed. It could take up to 6 months for that to happen. I’m divorcing him and going for full custody.

Check my post history but the TLDR is: my ex was finally found guilty of felony child abuse. Sentencing was today and…

Guys it’s bad.

He got no jail time. None. Zero. Not a day.

5 years probation, he only has to to report for 3. Anger management class. Judge also refused the no contact order as “the man has a right to see his children if he wants.”

The man that broke 4 of my daughter’s ribs, two arm bones, a year of seizures, bruising on her body.

And he’s home in bed.

I am broken.

Hello hello

I'm here to bring you the update of how it went down with the canceled Christmas.

So in the days leading up to Christmas i took time to think about how i want to go about things in general in the future, so as to not have things escalate like this ever again. Because it was not a pleasant experience for anyone. And i do think it is important to talk things out rather than just let the upset sit and smother. And i got a good bit of good advice from some very nice bromos here too, and took that into consideration.

In the 24th i went grocery shopping for a bit, because stores would be closed for three days. I asked if anyone would come with me, both kids came. Husband meanwhile was and still is giving me the silent treatment, but thats fine with me. You do sulky baby, it's your choice. I did tell my children that this is the kind of emotional manipulation they need to watch out for. In general, and especially in relationships. So shopping we went and it was nice to not do it all by myself. We had a lot of fun in the store and bought yummy things. In the evening, despite giving me the silent treatment and completely ignoring me, still thought i would cook something for the family and essentially give in. Well, i didn't. I went out with my friend, we had made reservations in a nice restaurant and we splurged on ourselves and drank wine. That was very nice for a change. I left the kids money to order pizza for themselves, which they did. They played video games together and ate pizza and had a good time. I don't really know what husband was up to, and i don't care to be honest. He did try to escalate things when he saw me getting ready to go out (like, you know, making digs at me and things) but i just left.

The one thing for which i did cave was, i gave the kids some small gifts. They did come around once it was made clear to them what the problem here was, they decorated, helped around the house and with grocery shopping, daughter even tried to talk some sense into her father, and even if the attitude in general did concern them too, the core of the conflict is between husband and i. And i wanted to acknowledge that they did change their attitude and acknowledged their part in all of this. And i just couldn't let them be without anything. At the core they are very good kids, they work hard in school, don't give me much grief in general ( and you know, that they are entitled and didn't see all the effort i put in by myself is also a partly my fault, but we'll come to this later), and i do enjoy giving them gifts. When i came home that evening husband was not home.

On the next morning i woke up to a big nice breakfast prepared by the kids. That was so very nice and cute, they decorated the table and went all out. I just had to sit down and eat. And i cried a little bit too. Husband still was nowhere to be seen, daughter told me he went to his parents house the night before. Okay then. We had breakfast together, and we had a nice long talk about how things needed to go from here. I did acknowledge that i need to communicate better and not sit on things until i explode, that we all need to adapt the dynamics in this household because they are not little anymore and can and should participate more. We all work/go to school, so it's just not fair to leave all the shitty stuff that needs to be done in a home to one person. I told them that it's also for them to become more independent and autonomous, to know how to do things. One day they will move out and i will not be there to do their laundry, paying all the bills and running their household. The kids also had the opportunity to bring up their points and i listened and took note.

We have together come to the conclusion that from now on for holidays we'll sit down before the holiday comes around and decide what and on what scale we want to do. Then we'll decide who does what, and things we'll do together. This is a good compromise for me, i wanted nothing more. When it was gift time, kids were surprised but happy, and they also went and bought a gift for me together. So i did get something this year. And i cried a little bit more.

Then we went to see my daughter at her residence. They both wanted to come and it was a very very nice day. The train ride was a bit long, but it was fine. There were other family members of residents, we all cooked up a nice Christmas dinner together, played uno, took time to just be together, danced with the residents and caretakers and it was a lovely day. Everyone was happy, the residents enjoyed the party and attention, it was nice spending time with their families and the caregivers too. My daughter ate so much she didn't even want dessert (she is a chocolate junkie normally) and her dental infection has healed up pretty good. She enjoyed us being there so much, she loved her gifts and she was very happy when i gave her gifts to give to the other residents and caretakers. She also loves giving gifts. Everyone who has spent a bit of time around people with disabilities will understand just how precious they are and how pure their joy is. It was very very nice and my kids also enjoyed it very much.

When we got home things escalated sadly. Husband was home and as soon as we were inside he began to scream at me, then screamed at the kids, screamed more at me. This went on for a bit and frankly, i just sat there and let him scream. I didn't have the energy to talk back, it wouldn't have made a difference either way. I sent the kids away, so daughters boyfriend came and got them and they went to his house for a bit. I just didn't want them in the middle of this. I do know that it could have been dangerous to be all alone with him but still. They are my children, i will protect them. I did call my sister and my bil and they came over, my sister called the cops on him and they told him to leave. So he went to his parents house after screaming up a storm on me (very nasty things were said) and hopefully will stay there. For the moment if he wants to come back i can't really do much, we're both on the lease and it is his house as much as mine. So we'll see. I did feel like shit though. And still do.

I told him via text that this is it. We are over and we will separate. He can either collaborate or i will take care of everything by myself, but we will separate. If he wants to be difficult about the apartment, i will look for another one. I will not play games nor engage in bullshit. This is over and done. He has shown me what i needed to see and this is not what i want for the next 25 years of my life.

Some context for you all. We are not married, and legally and administratively we are separate people. When the kids were born, after he signed to paternity papers, we both had to sign a contract regarding custody of the children and child support in case of separation. Two of my kids are not minors anymore and the youngest is of age to choose with which parent he wants to live/if he wants to do one week with me one week with him. I work and am not financially dependent on him, and we are both bound by law to support our children for the duration of their education.

And i do have resources in case it does become dangerous. He was never physically violent or anything, but I'm not as naive to believe it couldn't happen. It does not just happen to others and i know the statistics. Leaving is the most dangerous moment. And it can escalate quickly. I know that.

So thats the update. I hope you all could enjoy the holidays a bit, and for those for whom it sucked, i see you and you are loved. You are heros in my book. Thank you all so so much for the support, without you i wouldn't have had the strength to go through with this. You all have my love and respect!

I'll keep you updated on how things go.

I got the decision from the court last week, I WON! My kids won't be removed from my care as there is no evidence my mental health is harming my children, I have shown insight and I am in therapy and taking my medication, plus nobody else around has any concerns for the children.

You know what the best part is? My mom has been fined what would be approximately $3500USD for wasting the courts time and has to pay damages to me for causing emotional distress.

Trigger: loss of child

It’s been 19 days. 19 days since that phone call that forever changed my life. I should be helping to plan what Thanksgiving dinner is going to be and coordinating with everyone else on what to bring or not bring...but I’m not.

I should be Christmas shopping and planning a second birthday party. When were we going to do the birthday party? On Christmas Eve, like last year? On the 23rd, his actual birthday or wait until Christmas depending on when everyone was going to be available. But you took that from me...and you have the fucking audacity to tell me You’re sorry. Like I’m sorry is going to make this okay.

And what exactly are you sorry for? For calling me a fucking bitch while my son, my baby was dying in the PICU and you were butt hurt because the doctor allowed for me, his mother, and his father to be back there with him and you had to sit in the waiting room? For not making sure the fucking top lock was locked on the door? For not saving him? For saying that because we, his parents, didn’t call you, we didn’t care about him? Or are you sorry because you watched my baby go down the slide and drown?

You DIDN’T even TRY to save him. You didn’t get in the pool to try to pull him out. You didn’t get the pool net to try and pull him out of pool. You didn’t grab anything to try and pull him to safety. Instead, you just hollered “Swim Derek Swim!” as he frantically tried to save himself. He was 22 months old!! Instead, you just called 911 and your husband. You were his grandma!! You left him in the pull for 20 minutes until one of your friends, who your husband had to call, drove over there and pulled him from the pool before EMT’s arrived. 20 fucking minutes.

What was going through your mind in those minutes? How could you just stand there and watch that happen and not do anything? I don’t care if you couldn’t swim, you could have done something to try and save him. The pool net was right next to pool and had a long arm that would have been able to reach him. You have children of your own. As a mother, I would do anything to protect and save my children...I would die trying to protect them. But you’re so selfish you watched him drown. And then want everyone to feel sorry for you.

You even said numerous times that “Everyone is concerned about G and S. It’s not all about them, what about me?” Your dear husband, my father-in-law, S’s dad finally had to yell at you to get you to understand that it wasn’t about you!! We are his parent’s!! You did this!! I blame you!! Stop playing the poor me, pity me card. You want affirmation from me to let you know it’s okay but guess what? It’s NOT OKAY!!

So instead of planning Thanksgiving, Derek’s birthday or Christmas...I planned his funeral. I miss him so much every second of every minute of every day. I am not the same person I was 20 days ago. My heart hurts. I cry every day for him. He was perfect, he is perfect. He’s my perfect little Guardian Angel now. And you, my dear mother-in-law, are nothing to me.

TLDR: MIL was watching 22 month old son and he drowned. Wants me to accept her apology and tell her it’s okay.

Edit 1: Wow!! I never expected to get this kind of response or awards. I have read every single comment even if I didn’t respond back. I wrote this to just to get off my chest because I just want to scream and can’t take MIL anymore. I will do another post as many of you have asked about Derek and who he was. And I have an appt for the beginning of Dec to meet with a lawyer but will get more into that in other post. It’s just taking me a little bit to write because I start to write about Derek and I turn into a water faucet with all the tears. Thank you for all the kind words and support. Y’all are absolutely amazing and I appreciate every one of your beautiful ladies. I read every comment to my SO and he feels just as I do. So again, thank you for all...you don’t know how much it meant to me to read everything. And mama’s...hug your babies. Tomorrow is never promised. I learned that the hard way!!

Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/s/CdVoKEB6mH

Had the meeting and it went pretty much how yall said it would. Bad. But first I’d like to address the issue about the nurse. The principal had told me it was an office assistant, but now they said she’s an LPN. I only have her last name. They refused to show me the nurses notes and told us that because they put a pulse ox on him and his oxygen was normal, that was sufficient to rule-out a life threatening emergency. They said, and I quote because I recorded it all - “if you would like those notes you can get them through discovery in court”. I never said anything about suing them, I just asked if I could see what they observed when he was in their care. There was an RN on site who was busy with other students by her own admission. She was the one in the meeting, not the LPN who I spoke to on the phone.

I went in with the intention of finding out what happened on their end and left with more questions. They also said there was some responsibility on my son for not advocating for himself. You know. As he was actively dying.

I called a lawyer as some people here advised. They said because he didn’t die and it’s not an ongoing issue, they don’t see it getting anywhere. They said most of these are dropped under some sort of “professional discretion” - that they will say they used their best judgement and apparently that protects them from accountability. I don’t know. When looking for information we found another kid in Texas just died because of this in 2023 but they passed an act in Oklahoma because of it. There’s supposed to be an act in place that requires training for all school personnel to recognize anaphylaxis.

So yea. That’s it’s for now. It was an LPN. She missed anaphylaxis. It was anaphylactic shock by the time I got him to the ER. The ER trip could have possibly been avoided had they acted quicker. Because he didn’t die or have lasting effects, the lawyer says nothing can be done. I really appreciate everyone’s advice. I’m not sure what to do now. I still have him home because I’m too scared to take him back. I’m exhausted.

Hey hey lovelies

I'm the mom who canceled christmas all inclusive service for the family.

It's now one month later and i thought i would give you a small update on where i am at right now.

So, separation is happening. I'm absolutely going through with this. Right now it's a mess, because we still live together and he refuses to leave. And he has tripled down on the assholery. Really. Every day he tries to make my life miserable, and I'm not going to lie, it is miserable. The tensions, the dabs, remarks, the triangulation, gaslighting etc is really eating me up. It's hard and i cry every day.

He also tries to put the kids in the middle. He wants them to choose to live with him, tries to tell them he will stop paying for things for them and they are going to be miserable with me etc. For him everything always cimes down to money. It's as if he doesn't understand that a) money is not everything and b) he will be obligated to pay child support/support our daughter equally as me as long as she studies. If he wants to or not.

The kids are holding up as good as they can. I told them it's their choice as we have shared custody and they can make thay decision for themselves. Both want to live with me. Especially my daughter has begun to understand thay he sees women as maids and thay if she were to live with him she would just become a replacement for me and would have to essentially do everything for him.

Yes she needs to learn to adult, but she needs that for herself and not to be a maid to a man. She doesn't need to make the same mistakes i made and live the same life. That's very very important. The whole thing is hard on them both, but they make so much effort to help, be more independent and we support each other. They do love their father and his behavior hurts them badly. Like right now he gives them both the silent treatment because they have chosen to live with me. It's been a week, he just ignores them. I know this is abuse and i document everything. It still hurts to see my kids hurting and struggling. I can try as much as i want to keep things betweens us two, if he decides the behave like this with them i don't know what to do. We don't have family or a support system where i could send my kids to stay until this is over. He's just fucking up his relationship with his kids right now and i know he will put that on me later on. I still feel like a failure for not being able to spare them this, that they have to endure this shit and he is punishing them for our problems.

I'm looking for an apartment right now. As i told you i will not engage in games. If he doesn't want to move out, we will. He can keep the apartment. It makes me sad because it's been 15 years that we lived here, i am deeply rooted in the neighborhood and know all my neighbors in this building. He doesn't and he doesn't care, he just wants to be petty. But i will move. I won't stay like this. I also talked to my landlord about changing the lease to me alone, but that would require that we both sign a termination of the current lease and he refuses to do that. And we are good tenants there is no ground for the agency to terminate the lease on their side.

I also stopped doing his paperwork and personal things for him. I don't pay his bills anymore, don't keep his things up to date etc. I just do everything that has to do with the apartment, the kids and my personal stuff. I told him. He doesn't care, again. And has taken no interest in picking up his things and doing what he needs. But that's not my problem anymore.

My mental health has taken a hit in the last weeks and i am tired. So so tired. Now the rage from Christmas is gone and i am exhausted. My adhd symptoms are worse than ever and it's so hars to turn everything upside down and break all my routines for handling things. It's stressful.

But I'm still standing. I'll do this for myself. That's the gift I'll give to myself. And hopefully my kids too. I have eaten so much shit in the last 25 years with this man, i can endure for another few weeks.

It's not really much but i still wanted to give you an update and let you know i am hanging in there!

See original: https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/qnchfn/did_my_husband_hire_a_sex_worker/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

So I accessed call records and traced everything to one number in particular. I called this lady and talked to her. Not that I necessarily believe any thing she says, for all she knows I'm the fuzz. I started off asking if she still does massages, her rates... etc. I asked point blank if she does happy endings and she said yes. Well then I started asking if she remembered my husband (she didn't), if they had sex, if she does blowjobs, and she kind of back tracked a little saying she doesn't do that anymore and usually she just does a massage, shows her tits, then the guy finishes himself off. She said she has a boyfriend now and she just does the massages as a side gig. Sure, Jan.

I confronted my husband. Asked if he remembered cheating on me recently. At first he had no idea what I was talking about. I gave out some kibbles of info, said I talked to her. He said "OK, I did try to meet up. But when I got there, I just left. I couldn't go through with anything. Nothing happened." But he also said he was so drunk he didn't remember much else of the night. Sure, Jan.

I asked him to stay somewhere else for a week and to get an STD test. Told him we could discuss at the end of the week. I don't know where to go from here.

Thank you to everyone who replied and messaged me. It was extremely helpful during the time between discovery and confrontation. Whatever happens, I will be fine. My son will be fine (although I'm destroyed at the thought of the repercussions of this for him). I have a solid support system in place. I have a lot of soul searching to do. ❤

Yesterday was just meh. I pulled weeds, DH got his own stuff together, he was moody in the evening.

Today DH got home to DD throwing a tantrum. She wanted it not to be summer because she wants to slide on the ice like a penguin. I was unable to make than happen and she had a complete meltdown. I seriously don't know what goes on in her head sometimes.

So I'm sitting on the sofa with DD wailing on the floor, grabbing my legs and screaming "I need you" everytime I try to get up but not allowing me to comfort her in any way.

Me: "this is going to take a while, baked potatoes and stew are in the oven just serve yourself."

DH: "what?"

Me: thinking he hadn't heard me over DD "dinners cooked just get it out of the oven."

DH: " so dinner isn't ready?"

Me: "dinner is ready. It is stew and baked potatoes. Just take them out of the oven and have dinner. DD isn't going to calm down for a while."

DH: "so when are we having dinner?"

Me: "you are having dinner at what ever time you take it out of the oven, scoop some onto a plate and transport it into your mouth using cutlery. I will have dinner when DD has calmed down, when ever that is."

DH is standing in the kitchen with a confused pikachu face. I am realising that he has blown a fuse in his brain and am waiting to see what happens next.

I basically had to give him step by step instructions.

DD continued to scream for another half hour, when she finally let me pick her up she had a high temperature so I squirted calpol into her mouth and hugged her till she fell asleep twenty minutes later.

After I put her to bed DH asked if I'd got round to making tea yet. I suggested that he should practice making more things for himself as he was having so much trouble in the kitchen.

DH (scared pikachu face) "I'm too tired, just make me one if you make one for your self."

Food.

He’s eating it.

Yesterday he suggested that he needs a new toy for being brave and drinking space coffee. I said that’s a good idea. A smaller toy for drinking and when he does some eating he can get a bigger toy.

He told me that his tummy wants some food but he needs to feel brave and safe first. I told him that that is a very good idea.

I really wasn’t expecting anything today. He slept for six hours and he’d been grumpy on and off all day. Then he vomited after drinking 400mL of milk then having a 300mL bolus feed. I really thought that vomiting was going to set us way back. But he was happy and totally fine afterwards.

We talked about how he wasn’t sick, there was no virus, his tummy was just so full that the extra milk had to come out. A demo with a bowl and water really helped.

We all headed off to a super cool toy store. He picked out a small Jurassic world duplo set and pointed out a doll house thing that would be a good reward for eating. My daughter picked out a cute little kitten toy that she’s totally fallen in love with.

We go to the counter to pay and one of the cashiers asked if they could have a lollipop. He heard and excitedly said “I would like a green one and my little sister would like a red one please we really like lollipops” and probably some more babbling. I was pretty shocked as he has never shown interest in lollipops in his life.

I thought that having the lollipop in his hand would be the end of it but no. He said he was excited to eat his lollipop. And then he ate the fucking thing. Just fucking chewed it and ate it.

Then he asked to go to the supermarket for more crunchy foods. And he ran around picking out all sorts of things that he likes. Then on the way back to the hospital he shared a bag of cheezles with his sister.

At theraplay he requested to play a game that had previously made him panic. One person balances a chocolate biscuit on their finger and the other person takes a bite to try to get it to fall. He literally just ate the whole biscuit. Then when we were leaving he asked if he could take one with him.

And he just hasn’t stopped eating. Not overeating, just snacking and nibbling and tasting and taking joy in food and I’m so fucking happy.

I imagine that we’ll have a few stumbles but guys. Guys. He’s eating. He ate. He wants to eat.

He asked if we could go to the pancake restaurant around the block and have pancakes for lunch as a special treat.

Excuse me while I cry happy tears forever.

Hey guys! I'm the Mom who got the phone call from the lady I didn't know at my daughter's school, the lady called my five year old "dangerous" and "threatening".

Here is my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/xjm4fc/advice_needed_a_teacher_said_she_felt_threatened/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

My husband and I had a meeting with the school on Friday. It was us, my daughter's teacher, her assistant, the principal, the school social worker and the school behavioralist. The weird parapro/lunch monitor who called me last week was not there (she's a parapro, I clarified).

It was a mixed bag. Everyone was incredibly kind and helpful....except my daughter's primary teacher. She was super cold and defensive. She acted like she was the one who called the meeting because my daughter gets in trouble. She slapped down four pages of bad behaviors she said my daughter exhibits all from the last three days (coincidentally the time frame between when I asked for the meeting and now). That my daughter hits, kicks, gives Indian burns, runs from the classroom, runs from the lunchroom, screams, calls names, shoves toys down her pants, you name it, my kid does it all of a sudden.

I clarified that WE called the meeting (not the other way around) to find out what was happening after a very confusing phone call from a stranger, and asked why, if all these behaviors have been going on, we are just now hearing about it? I have had exactly one communication from this teacher before now (a kid scratched my daughter on the playground and she let me know, said they talked it over with the kids, the kid made my daughter an apology card, no big deal). My daughter is Hannibal Lecter and it slipped her mind to tell me? I did my best not to be defensive (even though I know at least half of this is total BS) and said that I would appreciate her letting me know if my daughter is having issues so that we can talk about it and enforce consequences at home.

My husband brought up the phone call with the parapro and that we don't appreciate language like "threatening" or "dangerous" when my daughter said "Let's battle!" and giggled, and her teacher huffed "Well it IS." The principal (who I've met before at school functions and really like) was apologetic and quick to paint the whole phone call as a miscommunication. I said we can absolutely start fresh, but we have to be kept in the loop about what is going on and I need to hear it from the TEACHER, not a random lunch monitor. Again, the teacher got super huffy and said "this kind of documentation is taxing". Yeah, no one asked you to write down every single thing that happens during the day. I explained I just need a general idea of what is working/not working, what needs to be corrected, etc. A two sentence e-mail at the end of the day to let me know how she did is fine.

The behavioralist asked if my daughter was violent with classmates or had a history of running from class last year. I told her the truth, which was no, never. I explained my daughter also has a regular group of friends she plays with on weekends and over the summer and she has never been aggressive or violent with them. She asked if she has tantrums at home, I said yes, but rarely (she hasn't had a bad tantrum in probably 5-6 months). Finally she asked if my daughter had trouble following directions last year, I said yes, at first, but her preschool teacher and I both felt it was due to her speech disorder. The social worker, behavioralist and assistant all raised their eyebrows and said "What speech disorder?" My daughter has a receptive and expressive speech disorder, she was essentially non-verbal at three. We did a year and a half of private speech therapy and pretty much closed the gap (her therapist felt she'd continue to improve as long as she was in a peer environment, and she was just about to start preschool). She did great, but she's still not 100% caught up. I sent all those records to the school when I enrolled her. I also explained all of this TO HER TEACHER by e-mail at the start of term, and reminded her again at orientation (in case she thought my daughter should be evaluated by the school speech specialist).

I feel like at this point everyone from the school got a little embarrassed. They said they would brainstorm together on different approaches to correct my daughter if she misbehaves, the principal told the teacher she needed to come up with a way to briefly communicate the days events to us until my daughter settles in (school has barely started). My husband and I said again and again, we are here to help. We want our daughter to be successful, but we won't have her mislabeled and we certainly can't help IF NO ONE FUCKING TELLS US what is going on. By the end we were all chatting and exchanging ideas (except for her teacher who sat arms crossed with a bitchy look on her face).

So here we are. Hopefully things will improve going forward, but I feel a little nervous about it.

About a month ago I posted about my son (4) turning pale and passing out at dim sum, only to recover by the time EMTs came and be diagnosed with BRUE.

This morning, the exact same thing happened down to the letter. Woke up crying in the middle of the night for no particular reason and went back to sleep. Started screaming in the morning that his tummy hurt. Got lethargic and limp, fell asleep abruptly, and his lips turned almost white, but then he got better super fast. We had been told if it happened again to just make a same-day appointment, and we had already done that due to the tummy-screaming.

Couple hours later, he was jumping around the exam room messing with the chair controls and informing the nurse that DOLPHINS. EAT. FISH! When suddenly he became lethargic and pale again. The nurse suddenly seemed really nervous and started moving his heart monitor to all different places. Then she started pulling more and more people in, and someone called an ambulance. His BPM was 250!!! In the ambulance, they administered a drug that stopped his heart for three seconds and started it back up at 120BPM (surprisingly very untraumatic and apparently a very safe and successful drug). He was fine from then, becoming less lethargic throughout the day.

After about seven hours of your standard ER misery, he was diagnosed with SVT (Supra Ventricular Tachycardia) and sent home with meds to regulate his heartbeat. It's a fairly common condition and he might just outgrow it, but with meds he should be pretty okay.

Another ridiculously stressful day. I'm about to buy one of those "days since last incident" signs. But there you go, like several commentors on the last post, I wasn't completely sold on BRUE and am glad to at least be seemingly on the right track.

So following the FDA approving the Pfizer vaccine for ages 12-15, my state’s Governor has now extended the eligibility requirements to the same. So two of my 3 kids are now able to get it! The end of this shit may finally be in sight!!

Edit: Totally not sure if that flair is really the right one! Lol.

HE DID IT!

He drank chocolate milk. Out of no where. No prompting. MORE THAN ONCE!!

At speech therapy they were playing restaurant with his lunch. They plated up hot chips and tomato sauce. Sliced up chocolate cake. Poured apple juice and chocolate milk.

He served chocolate milk to Buzz Lightyear and called it space coffee. Then he served it to his dad who blew bubbles in it before drinking it. He found this hilarious and decided to blow bubbles too.

Then he looked around all shifty eyes and had a sip. And then a drink. And then said that his tummy is proud of him.

I cried. A lot. After I gave him a hug and a high five and left the room so I didn’t freak him out.

He now tells me that he likes space coffee for breakfast. That’s fine by me kid.

Holy shit guys.

I'm absolutely overwhelmed by all of the kind words and support. I mainly posted the update to hold myself accountable and remind myself why things turned out this way. I told my boss a little of what's going on because we have a good relationship and she told me to take the week off. All I'm doing today is making an appt with an attorney. The rest of the day will be about my daughter and I. We're going to just snuggle, watch movies and play. My mother in law ended up texting me asking me to forgive him so I don't know what he told her, but I just told her to ask him why I kicked him out and then let me know if she thinks I should still forgive him. Then I smiled because I'm going to be rid of her too! I don't know what the future looks like and that's causing a lot of anxiety but I think the hardest part, letting him go, is over. Thank you everyone.

Original post is on my page.

It happened. Sooner than I wanted as I had little time to even look into finances, if we move out where we'll live, how to ensure I have full custody of my daughter, etc.

He came home from work already in a mood so I already had a knot in my stomach. He ended up losing his shit. Surprisingly not on me, it was because of the dog. But it was in front of me and more importantly, in front of our daughter. He was yelling and slamming the gate and my daughter was scream crying because I'm assuming she was terrified.

I was downstairs when it started up and something took over me. I just flew upstairs, it felt like I must have jumped the steps because I got up there so fast. I immediately picked up the baby, said nothing to him and brought her downstairs. Sure enough he came down after us yelling "WHAT" over and over. I told him his behavior is unacceptable and she is learning from him. This is not the type behavior I want her to learn.

So he went off on another tangent. Tearing me apart as a wife, a mother and a person. Apparently I'm bad at being all of those things because I removed my crying child from a scary situation. I finally let him have it. The short version is that I told him an abusive man is never going to make ME feel bad about protecting my child. And that I was protecting her FROM HIM because I will not let her grow up to become a target of his rage.

He started to open his mouth and I'm sure it was going to be something foul but I told him to shut the fuck up and leave. Maybe that was immature but he was certainly stunned. He started trying to provoke and keep shit going by saying oh we're done are we? Oh you just want me to leave?

And all I said was yes, leave. I did the grey rocking thing someone had commented and immediately turned my attention to my daughter and changed her, started playing with her, like he wasn't even there. He kept saying shit for a few minutes and I didn't even hear a single word because in that moment I finally disconnected and let go. He finally grabbed some of his stuff and left.

He's called and texted a few times trying to apologize but I haven't said a single word. He'll just hear from my attorney once I get one.

Thank you everyone that helped. I'm scared, I don't know what the future looks like but all I know is in that future I will not be abused and my daughter won't grow up thinking abuse is love.

Original post

I got an email from the principal last night that there would be a meeting on the playground at 7:40. Cool. I'm there.

Principal, VP, school counselor, PTA prez, and the head of the office were out there. Along with 60ish parents.

Many of the parents were angry and yelling; the school counselor kept trying to get everyone to calm down long enough to allow the principal to talk.

He started by apologizing and telling everyone they had every right to be angry; no child should be excluded for any reason, and that would never be enforced in this school. He was very upset that the PTA went rogue and demanded this change last minute and that they thought it was a good idea to even do. He said no child would be excluded for the type of Valentine's they brought. Infact his wife and their teen kids had made over 300 extra handmade Valentines for the kids who couldn't afford, forgot or couldn't find any in stores so that they would have something to pass out.

He announced that the PTA president would be resigning, and there would be a special election. She looked so sour standing there.

I brought up the fact that working parents aren't considered for PTA involvement; he said he was unaware that they were excluded and would be looking into it and give me a call today before school ends.

He also addressed the abuse of the room parent phone tree and outlined its use, which is for contagious illnesses like chickenpox, HFM or finding emergency coverage for field trips; not for shaming people about school party participation. He said he would also be holding a meeting later this week with all the room parents and the PTA board to make sure the rules and the consequences of overreach in the future.

That if it was so important to put a parents needs over the children's needs, then going forward there would be no more school holiday parties and that it would end up hurting the kids who look forward to it; especially kids from families who don't have the resources/time to host holiday parties.

Everyone seemed satisfied and left. The principal talked to me a few minutes more after (poor guy looked exhausted) he only received the 2 emails, one from me and the other from the mom who told me about the phone tree. And he appreciated that we took the time to let them know because that is not the type of school he wants for the community. He had no idea this even occurred but sent a blast about the meeting because he felt that even tho he stated in the email all types of valentine's were welcome, that a face to face would be best course so as to not have the office filled all day with angry parents.

So thank you bromos! I appreciate the push to email the teachers and the issues you all helped me articulate. I was seething in rage and probably would have gone into the office hot. But this worked out so well. Happy Valentine's Day 💗

*Edit Thank you for all the awards and responses both today and Saturday. The one mom who mentioned validation to move me in the right direction, you're so right. Sometimes, we need that extra validation to hop on that gut feeling, and I truly appreciate it. This community is so wonderful. My kids had an absolute ball with their parties, each brought home quite a number of handmade valentines, so that shows me a significant number of kids would have been impacted. Mom wins all around for us all today!

Our Principal is brand new, this is his first year as principal and his wife and kids (he has 5, aged 13 to 19 so that in itself was a feat on their behalf organizing 5 teens to make Valentine's for little kids) are absolutely lovely. I ordered a basket of mini muffins to be delivered to him on Friday with a note of appreciation.

And he has a mantrum.

He couldn't find what he was looking for because there's too much on the pegs behind the door.

Then he can't open the door far enough because there's too much on the pegs behind the door.

(This has been a problem for a while. It's his stuff, he has extra coats, hats, backpacks, there's about a hundred reusable bags on there.)

As he is leaving he yells that if "all that shit isn't sorted when I get home I'm throwing it all out".

I chose to translate this as "I have decided that all of it is to be thrown out but you have a veto".

I vetoed a winter coat, rain coat, hat and glove set and back pack each. I also vetoed six bags that scrunch down into pouches.

The rest of it got stuffed into two black bags.

When he got home he looked at the pegs, looked at the bags, then went through the bags and started going through the reasons he needed to keep all that stuff.

I told him that none of it is going back where it was and if he didn't find a place for it it will be going on the curb tomorow. I reminded him that he was the one who said it was getting thrown out and that I've been wanting to get rid of all this crap for ages but he never had the time to deal with it.

He can either make time tonight or it's getting chucked. Taking bets on how he's going to shoot himself in the foot next.

If you don't remember me, I'm the person who posted about 10 days ago about being pregnant and possibly having an abortion (but not wanting to). I'm sorry for posting about this for the third time now, but some people seemed interested in an update.

I could use a little love. This isn't the outcome I wanted, but I decided that it's what needs to happen based on my circumstances. Took my mifepristone today, will start my misoprostol tomorrow. I'm really scared.

ETA: My sincerest thanks to all of you who have expressed your support or given advice on this post and my previous ones. This community has done so much for me. You guys are amazing.

It's me again, the neurotypical wife of a husband with severe ADHD and mild ASD. He recently got a new therapist who informed him that his phone addiction is a form of stimming. However, it's a far too involving, all-encompassing stim, so she recommended trying different fidget items and seeing what works. Right now, he's constantly squeezing on a grip strengthening tool (I recognize it as something my dad, a guitarist, used).

I cannot believe the difference. He's having LONG conversations that remind me why I ever liked him (he's smart, and weird in a good way!). He's aware of what the kids are doing and saying. He's getting bored of sitting around and HE'S GETTING UP TO DO LAUNDRY AND DISHES. He's hitting lulls in his work days and asking me out to lunch (he works from home).

Like are you kidding me!? It's a freaking miracle! THANK GOD for good therapists!

Just a thought for anyone struggling with something similar. I know on previous posts I've met women in similar marriages.

I haven't posted here in a LONG time - but y'all, my divorce is over!! I am free! My body is MINE, my money is MINE, my time is MINE! My kids smile and play and laugh and are goofy and make mistakes and are NORMAL FUCKING KIDS and don't get yelled at for it!!

He does every little thing he can to try to make me miserable still, but I AM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Hi ❤️ you’ve all been so supportive of me and I can’t thank you enough.

Just to update… son’s father is not allowed contact. Social services been ringing all week. And next week, I will begin 6 months of aggressive treatment for Tuberculosis which has settled in my kidneys and liver.

I am in the North of England and have only been out of Europe once, lived here my whole life. Truly a shock diagnosis and what’s more amazing is that I identified it myself and insisted on testing against medical recommendation. My new TB nurse thinks this is such a badass move lol and she was like ‘I’m fucking gobsmacked’ hahaha. I am literally Dr House.

So. No wine for six months. Lots of discomfort ahead. I won’t be able to work until I’m finished. My parents and family didn’t give a fuck when I called them to report this. So I blocked them and moved on with my day.

I am purging my life of psychos and my kidneys of bacteria. Finally. This is the beginning of a transformation.