MIL invited people we don’t know to our wedding. She won’t uninvite them because that’s ‘embarrassing.’

[u/Money_Doughnut_7375]

Sorry for the length but I wanted to make sure people have enough information. My fiancé and I (M/F, both mid-20s) got engaged January 2025 and plan of getting married Spring 2026. Very soon. Wedding planning has been a nightmare. It seems like everyone has an expectation for how the wedding/wedding planning is supposed to be. For context, I am paying for 75% of the wedding and the parents are covering the remaining 25%. Although they like to act they’re paying for everything. I was able to call out my parents for their behavior and draw boundaries. But with his parents, particularly MIL, they have been very… difficult. Even the small stuff.

Some examples:

- Fiancé and I toured venues alone. His parents were very upset they didn’t get to see the venue beforehand. Like really upset. I ended scheduling a second tour so both our parents can see it. Simple fix.

- I mentioned how I wanted to do wax seals on our invites and had already bought the supplies. But MIL was adamant I use different supplies and do the seals how she liked them.

- I talked about the tentative timeline. The wedding will run from 3:30-9:30pm. Everyone has to be off the property by 10pm because of noise ordinances (it’s outdoors). MIL was disappointed. Apparently 6 hours was just not enough time.

- MIL bought my fiancé lotion, body wash, and a candle from bath and body works. It’s part of a wedding collection they had. She requires my fiancé use the products the day of the wedding. “It will be a moment” she said.

- The biggest fight so far: the church. We were both raised Catholic and chose not to get married in the church. My family doesn’t care. Lots of us have moved away from the faith anyways. His family? Tears. Pleading. Begging. “Please pray about it. God will still love you but wouldn’t it be great to have God’s blessing.” My brother, who is a Pentecostal pastor, will be officiating.

Now onto the guest list. We both come from large families. That would put us at a guest list of 100 people for just the core group (parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins). Add in friends and selective plus ones, we’d get to around 150 people. That’s plenty of people. My parents asked if they could invite some of their friends. Nope. Not happening. We are full. They were a little mad but didn’t push the subject further. But then there’s his parents.

Unbeknownst to my fiancé or me, MIL forwarded our save the date to several members of her extended family that we do not know. We only found out this past November. She asked to see the guest list during Thanksgiving to “make sure everyone that needs to be invited is invited.” Immediate red flag. We told her who was invited and then she began listing names we never heard of. We were confused and said they’re not invited. She’s visibly upset and starts arguing with fiancé. Says that these are the most important people to her and she already invited them. He tells her it’s not her place to invite people to our wedding. I stay out of it but my face speaks for me. They go back and forth for a while but it got nowhere. I signal to my fiancé to let it go and we can talk about it later. We left the conversation telling MIL we’ll talk about it after Thanksgiving.

Well we never talked about it. Fiancé tried to make a game plan with his dad thinking if he can be on our side it would make talking to his mom much easier. But they are both non-confrontational and wanted to ignore the entire situation. I guess MIL was crying to FIL about the guest list for a while. It was eating her alive. FIL got annoyed and fed up, texted fiancé to invite the additional people. Fiancé said no but they won’t let it go. I let fiancé know, he should continue to handle it since it’s his parents. But the second his parents involve me, I’ll handle it. He doesn’t want that to happen.

Three days ago, it happened. She involved me. MIL texted fiancé and me in a group chat. Starts off strong. “I have thought about the people in my life that really matter to me that I would like to be invited to your wedding.” To put it short, she pulls the dead parents card (dad passed when she was 11 and mom when she was in her mid-20s) and talks about how these people are parts of her parents. Claims they’ve been at every big family event. I haven’t met these people in the past 7 years we’ve been together and my fiancé says he’s only met them a couple of times. She even said not everyone invited is going to make it so there should be room to invite additional people. She’s already invited them and they’re so excited. She even sent them the hotel block information (7-8 weeks after we initially told her they weren’t invited). It would be really embarrassing for her to uninvite them after all of that. She’s ‘praying’ we allow them at our wedding. His parents did offer to cover the additional costs. We since haven’t responded.

Here’s my perspective. It’s not about money. It’s about respect. We’ve spent months now telling his parents how it’s going to be but they won’t respect what we say. They worry more about how they feel. MIL is upset the wedding isn’t how she pictured and FIL just wants her to be quiet. I empathize with MIL’s situation and losing her parents all those years ago. I lost my mom 4 years ago and then my brother less than 2 years later. It sucks that there are people who can’t be there and it’s out of our control. But that doesn’t mean she can require certain people be invited. She might be the mother of the groom but she is a GUEST. Guests can’t control how the wedding will be. She’s already crossed so many boundaries and it’s not my responsibility to fix the mistakes she made.

I told my fiancé, since it’s his family, he makes the decision and I will support him. He said he wants to give in just to make it all stop, but that sets the wrong precedent. He doesn’t want these people there. He’s not close enough with them and if they were really that important they would’ve been around more. He also doesn’t want to start a marriage by ignoring my feelings and just doing what his mom says. He’s torn and hurting. I’ve offered to be the one to respond as I promised so that I can take the heat. But he doesn’t want to ruin the little chance I have at building a relationship with his mom.

With that, how would you respond? We agreed any response needs to be in writing since most of our conversations have been verbal and misconstrued. Having it in writing makes it clearer.

Should I mention that second venue tour I scheduled with the parents is in three days?

Thanks in advance for whatever advice you can give.

Edit: some people commented that my fiancé clearly told me he wants to invite them and I didn’t support his decision. So I asked him to clarify his position to make sure I didn’t misunderstand him. He said “she can go fuck herself.” Crass but gets the point across. Asked him what he meant when he previously mentioned just giving in to her request and he said instinctually he just wants to give in. That’s how he was raised. But realistically, he thinks it’s unfair of her to put us in this position and she shouldn’t get her way. She’s manipulated him in the past and he wants to end the cycle.

[u/Select-Efficiency559]

You're doing the right things. You were right to ignore her wax seal instructions, to use the candle now, and everything else. If your fiance backs you on the wedding, and preferably if he tells his parents himself, then start making plans for the future. She doesn't get a key to your house, not for any reason, not even for emergencies. She doesn't get a say in where you live, how you decorate, what your jobs are, nothing. If you have children, you won't tell her when you go into labor, and you'll alert the hospital staff that she doesn't get to go into the room. She won't get pictures of your children unless she agrees to not post them to social media. She only gets to see your children when one of you is there, and if she trash-talks you to them in any way, or breaks any rules you set, the child will be immediately removed. She won't find out the location of any future events until the day before. Whenever she starts to blame or guilt you, you will hang up or leave. Your fiance needs to agree. Otherwise, if you give in after, say, the 20th discussion, she'll learn that she has to press 20 times and will do it every time on every issue.

If she tries to get other people on her side, you need to tell them that you will not discuss anything, and if they want to continue a relationship with you then they need to drop it. Be prepared to block. Look up "flying monkeys."

Read about other people's MIL problems so you can anticipate what she'll do.

Frankly, if there's a way you can find jobs and a home in another state, not within driving distance, you should strongly consider taking it.

I'm sorry, this is going to suck.

[u/Money_Doughnut_7375 → u/Select-Efficiency559]

Thanks. We’ve had a lot of conversations about the future and how we’re going to navigate certain hypothetical situations. Currently we live 2 hours away from our families. Not too far, but far enough to make visiting less convenient. He still wants to be near his grandparents so going out of state at this moment isn’t in the cards. But regarding kids? We’ve had a lot of discussions about that. As much as we want kids, we know there’s probably going to be familial drama that comes with it. Can’t escape it. MIL has already requested she see her grandkids every holiday every year, and they don’t even exist! Only time will tell how the future plays out. The best we can do is try to plan ahead and hope it works out.

[u/m2cwf → u/Money_Doughnut_7375]

MIL has already requested she see her grandkids every holiday every year, and they don’t even exist!

Holy cow, she's delusional. To even think that request much less say it out loud is beyond selfish and disrespectful. As if your family doesn't even exist? As if you and your husband will never want to go on a trip or have a quiet holiday at home with just you guys and your kids?

Hell no, she gets every second or third year like a normal grandparent and she'll not say a single word in complaint or guilt tripping, or it will be even less often and NEVER on the actual holiday. Tell her that once, and then stick to it forever