[OC] Rex Hardbody and the Planet Of the Ultraboobs (probably NSFW) - PART ONE!!!

[u/semiloki]

The planet Elorious IV shook as the surface fractured. Angry red lines flew across the planet. The lines connected and reconnected forming a spiderweb of hellfire that baked the planet. The core detonated and the planet was no more.

Through the cloud of superheated debris, a tiny silver needle flew. The sole survivor of the cataclysm was blasting away from the aftermath in his ship, The Fist Of Justice.

The rockets flared as the ship nimbly dodged boulders the size of mountains while still managing to stay just ahead of the shock wave. At the controls Rex Hardbody sat with a concerned look on his face.

He had just had this ship detailed. That BoreNuke had better not have scratched the paint.

He thumbed the call button to report in.

"Rex Hardbody to the Interstellar Protection League. Come in Interstellar Protection League!"

The call screen flickered and emitted a buzz of static. A moment later the humorless face of General Crenshaw appeared. He frowned at the sight of Hardbody's image.

"Hardbody," he said without acknowledging Rex's rank as a Terran Troubleshooter, "Have you located the Hitler Clone base?"

"Yes, General," Hardbody said, "They have been neutralized."

"Neutralized?" Crenshaw asked, his eyebrows shooting upwards like twin white caterpillars trying to devour the bald melon of his head, "This was just a fact finding mission."

"Things got . . . out of hand," Rex said, "I was caught and taken to their base. I had to fight my way out."

"That seems to happen to you a lot," Crenshaw observed, "Maybe you shouldn't start out every mission by announcing your name and the reason your there?"

"Not following you, General."

'Fine," Crenshaw sighed, "Just tell me where to send the meat wagon. I swear, Hardbody, you should try to exercise a little discretion."

"No need to send the wagon, General," Hardbody said with a grin, "They aren't needed."

"Really?" Crenshaw asked, perking up, "You went 24 hours without killing someone? My God, Rex! This is amazing! I didn't think you had it in you!"

"What?" Rex asked, "I just mean there are no bodies."

"Because everyone is still alive?"

Rex looked into the rear view monitor. The glowing husk of the planetoid did not look especially habitable to him.

"I don't think so," he said, "Did we have any agents stationed on Elorius IV?"

"What?" Crenshaw asked just as a beeping sound came over the comm unit from his end. Crenshaw looked at something off to the side and turned white as a ghost.

"You blew up a planet!" he screamed.

"Technically there was an implosion first," Hardbody corrected.

The General reached for his bottle. Rex Hardbody frowned. Crenshaw had recently seemed to have developed a drinking problem. He rarely went through an entire conversation with Rex before breaking out one of those strange pink bottles. Red idly wondered what sort of booze it was. Some sort of girly drink, he guessed.

Crenshaw chugged from the bottle. He swallowed painfully and then coughed.

"You . . . destroyed an entire planet . . . to get rid of a base of Hitler Clones?" Crenshaw asked, "There were 10 billion people on that planet!"

"And 50,000 clones," Rex said with a wink, "Clones we don't have to worry about any more."

Crenshaw buried his face in his hands.

"What am I supposed to do?" he mumbled, "The press will eat us alive for this one?"

"General?" Rex asked.

The General looked up.

"You!" he said as he stabbed a finger at the screen, "You! I'm going to-!"

The ship rocked from side to side and the comm unit went dead.

"What the hell?" Rex shouted, "The General was just about to promote me. Vega!"

"What is it, Rexy-poo?" the ship's AI cooed. Rex rolled his eyes. The original AI had gotten damaged in a raid on MoonBase Alpha Nine. After the entire hydroponics bay had caught fire an angry mob had chased him through the Helium-3 mines back to his ship. He was forced to lob a couple of MegaMissles at the habitation dome just to make his escape. But the EMP blast had fried the AI. This new one he had bought at a second-hand shop. The computer brain of a former sex-bot. Damned thing had already fallen in love with him.

"Status!" he shouted.

"Checking right now, studly . . . oooh! Looks like we took a little bit of that big bad oh so hot ball of plasma into our ram scoop. You know what that means don't you? I'll get the whipped cream and handcuffs if you guess right!"

"Damn it!" he said, slamming his fist into the console, "The MaxFusion Drive is out!"

"Oooh! Pink fuzzy cuffs or regular?"

"Not now, Vega," he said, "Are we anywhere near a habitable planet where we can make repairs?"

"Let me check that big old chart," she purred, "Mmmmm . . . these charts would go great with a big board room. Don't you want me on your staff?"

Rex unbuckled himself from his chair and sauntered back to the galley.

"Okay," Vega said at last, "Found two places with a habitable atmosphere. Eight days out there is full service repair station. They have a government contract and can have us on our way in no time. Five days out there is a Class M planet with a pre-Industrial civilization of Amazonian warriors who ride mutant squirrels."

Rex looked in the cupboard and swore.

"I've only got six days worth of booze and smokes!" he said, "Set course for the Class M planet. We'll make repairs there!"

[u/j1xwnbsr]

Would the two of you like a room? I believe the bridal suite is currently available.

[u/fineillstoplurking → u/j1xwnbsr]

Make it the presidential and we have a deal.